Witch Is When Things Fell Apart (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 4)

by Adele Abbott

  “What’s wrong with you, Jill?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are you allergic to having fun?”

  What did she mean? I could do ‘fun’. “I don’t see what’s fun about getting drunk.”

  “We don’t have to get drunk. Just something to take the edge off.”

  “Like on your birthday?” That was a low blow considering it had been my ‘sleep’ spell, and not the drink, which had knocked her out on her birthday—the last time we were out together.

  “Just take a look at yourself, Jill. You’re young. You’re single. And yet, you never seem to have any fun. No wonder you can’t get a guy.”

  “That’s not fair. Who says I can’t get a guy?”

  “You know what I mean. I’m married with kids, but I still know how to have a good time. YOLO.”

  “Yo what?”

  “YOLO. You Only Live Once.”

  “Where do you come up with these stupid acronyms?”

  “Everyone uses them. Everyone apart from you, apparently.”

  “Can I help it if I like to speak in English?”

  “No more than you can help being boring.”

  “I am not boring! I know how to let my hair down. I can be just as wild as the next person.” There, that had told her. “Now, come on, the library is just around the corner.”

  “Are you kidding me? Is that your idea of letting your hair down?”

  “There’s a coffee shop in the basement. They have cupcakes.”

  “You really do like to walk on the wild side, don’t you?”

  I ignored Kathy’s moans and groans as I led the way through the library.

  “Hold on,” she said, just as I was about to take the stairs to the basement.

  I flinched when I saw her studying the noticeboard which was full of flyers from reading groups and amateur dramatics clubs.

  “I’m not going to any more am-dram productions.” I’d had my fill of bad scripts and acting for one year.

  “Look!” She pointed a ‘greentastic’ nail at a small white sheet of paper in among the more colourful flyers. “What do you think?”

  “What do I think about what?”

  “This job. The hours would be ideal for me.”

  “Since when were you looking for a job?”

  The notice gave details of a part-time vacancy for someone to stack shelves with the books that had been returned.

  “I need something to do now the kids are both at school. I’m going stir crazy stuck in the house all day with nothing to do.”

  “What about the housework?”

  “You sound like Pete. I need to get out. I need to do something more exciting than housework.”

  “Do you really think that stacking books would be exciting?”

  “At least I’d get out of the house. Plus I’d get to talk to other people.”

  “You talk to me.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t count. And besides, you’re boring. It doesn’t matter anyway, I’m too late.” Kathy sighed. “Applications had to be in last Friday.”

  Over coffee and cupcakes, Kathy continued to bemoan her boring life.

  “I love the kids to bits. And Pete. But I need something more. Something for me.”

  I nodded.

  “I could work for you,” she said.

  Whoa! Where had that come from? “Work for me?”

  “Yeah. Why not? Not so much for you as with you. I could help with your investigations. Go undercover—that kind of thing.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? I’d make a great P.I. If you can do it, how difficult can it be?”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “You know what I mean. I could follow people and stuff.”

  “My job description to a tee: I follow people and stuff. Anyway, I couldn’t pay you. I barely make enough to pay myself.”

  “You could sack Mrs V.”

  “Wow! I thought I was supposed to be the one who lacked compassion.”

  “She’s old. She’d thank you for it.”

  “No she wouldn’t. She loves her job, and besides, I don’t pay her.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “It wasn’t my idea for her to work for free. I told her I couldn’t afford to keep her on, but she insisted she wanted to stay anyway.”

  “That’s no good. I’m not working for nothing.”

  I was gutted. “Oh, well.”

  “Will you keep an eye out for me? Let me know if you see anything that might be suitable?”

  “Of course.” The next time I saw an ad for a cocktail taster or a personal shopper, I’d be sure to let her know.

  ***

  Ever A Wool Moment was quieter than usual. At least it was in terms of customer numbers. Volume-wise, it was way noisier than usual thanks to the twins.

  Grandma met me and Kathy at the door. “Get the twins out of here. They’re scaring away the customers.”

  “Hello, Grandma.” I treated her to my most insincere smile. “This is my sister, Kathy.”

  Kathy held out a hand which Grandma ignored. “They’ve been at the cocktails.” She nodded in the direction of Amber and Pearl who seemed way too happy just at being in a wool shop.

  “Lucky them,” Kathy said.

  “Jill!” Pearl screamed when she caught sight of me.

  “Kathy, hi!” Amber shouted.

  The twins rushed across the shop, knocking over a display of knitting needles as they did, and then threw their arms around us.

  “Happy birthday, you two,” I said.

  “Thanks, Jill. And thanks for the cards and presents!”

  Grandma cleared her throat. The wart on the end of her nose was throbbing red. A danger sign if ever there was one.

  “Maybe we should get going,” I said.

  “Wait!” Kathy stepped forward.

  I followed her gaze and saw the small card taped to the inside of the shop window: ‘Part-time sales assistant wanted.’

  “I could do that,” Kathy said.

  “No!” I’d said before I could stop myself.

  “Why not?” She turned on me.

  “Yes, why not?” Grandma had found a grin from somewhere. “Why couldn’t your sister do that?”

  “Well—because—err”

  “We’re waiting,” Grandma said. “Why not?”

  “She doesn’t have any experience. With wool I mean. She can’t knit for toffee.”

  “Thanks, Jill.” Kathy looked daggers at me.

  “No experience necessary,” Grandma cackled.

  “She has kids. She’d have to be home in time to collect them from school.” I was clutching at straws now.

  “No problem.” Grandma was enjoying this way too much. “The hours are flexible. I’m sure we can work around that. When could you start?”

  “Next week?”

  “Next week would be fine.”

  “Yay! I got a job,” Kathy said, as we walked down the street.

  “Yay!” I said with no enthusiasm at all.

  “Are you sure you want to work for Grandma?” Amber said.

  “She can be quite brutal.” Pearl chimed in.

  “If I can manage two kids, I’m sure I can handle her.” Kathy was over the moon.

  The twins and I exchanged a glance. None of us had the heart to enlighten the poor, delusional fool.

  ***

  Three hours, and several cocktail bars later, we arrived at Tremors—Washbridge’s newest, and loudest club. The twins and Kathy were now the wrong side of ‘merry’. I was still stone-cold sober, having refused or disposed of the various ridiculously named cocktails that had been foisted upon me. Someone had to keep their wits about them, and as usual, that job had fallen to me—little Miss Boring.

  I’m pretty useless at dancing, but that night, I was the best in our small group. Kathy, who when sober, was actually quite the mover, was now an uncoordinated mess of arms and legs. And yet, even she was better than the twins. Sup dancing
was very different to human dancing. Think of synchronised swimming, but without the water, and you’ll get a vague idea of what passes for dancing among sups.

  “What on earth are the twins doing?” Kathy slurred into my ear.

  I shrugged. I simply didn’t have words to describe it. Within fifteen minutes of the twins stepping onto the dance floor, they were the only ones left on there. Everyone else had formed a circle around the edge—looking on in disbelief.

  Amber and Pearl—seemingly oblivious to the attention they’d attracted—ramped things up to the next level. Now, it’s entirely possible that in Candlefield, their routine would have gone down a storm, but not in Washbridge.

  “What’s up with them two?” A slim redhead with entirely too much bust pointed a finger towards the twins.

  “Looks like they’re having a seizure.” Her friend with big eyebrows and an overdose of lip gloss laughed.

  The twins ignored the jibes at first, but the redhead and her friend had more where that came from. They threw one insult after another at the twins, much to the delight of the crowd who joined in the laughter.

  “Come on.” I grabbed the twins by their arms, and led them off the dance floor and over to the far side of the room where it was a little quieter. In my rush to get them away, I’d lost Kathy somewhere.

  “Why were they so horrible?” Amber wiped a tear away.

  “We were only dancing.” Pearl looked on the verge of tears too.

  “That’s not how we dance here,” I said.

  Amber shot me a look. I hadn’t realised what I’d said until it was too late. I never should have used the word ‘we’.

  “Sorry, I meant humans. They don’t dance like that.”

  “Like what?” Pearl sobbed.

  “Like—” I didn’t want to rub salt in the wounds. “Like you were dancing just now.”

  “We’re good dancers!” Amber said.

  “I know. It’s just that—well it isn’t how humans dance.” I turned back to the dance floor which was now full again. “Look.”

  The twins stared at the dance floor, then at each other, and then at me. “You call that dancing?” Pearl said.

  “They’re just waving their hands around.” Amber shrugged. “What’s so good about that?”

  “Nothing I guess. It’s just what we—err—humans do.”

  “It’s rubbish.” Pearl was more angry than upset now.

  “It’s boring.” Amber was annoyed too. “And why did they have to be so mean anyway?” She was glaring at the redhead and her friend who were now strutting their stuff on the dance floor.

  “Ignore them. I’d better go and find Kathy. You two stay right here.” They were so intent on the dance floor, I wasn’t sure they’d heard me. “Amber? Pearl? Stay here.”

  They nodded.

  It took me a few minutes to track Kathy down. I heard her before I saw her. Unfortunately, she’s one of those people who think they can sing—but can’t. Not even a little bit. It’s bad enough when she’s sober, but when she’s drunk it’s one hundred times worse.

  “Kathy!” I called from the edge of the dance floor. “Kathy!”

  “Come and dance!” She held up her hand, spilling half of her cocktail onto the dance floor as she did.

  “We have to go!” I shouted over the music.

  “Don’t be daft. Come on. Come and have a dance!”

  “We have to go right now. I think the twins might do something stupid—”

  I heard the collective gasp, and knew immediately that I was too late. Kathy seemed oblivious to the commotion behind her.

  I pushed through the crowd to find the redhead and her friend standing naked in the centre of the dance floor. Everyone laughed and pointed as the two girls desperately tried to cover themselves with their hands. I glanced around and caught sight of the twins on the opposite side of the room. They looked very pleased with their handiwork.

  It took me a while to fight my way over to them.

  “Reverse it!” I yelled at them.

  “What?” Amber gave me a ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ look.

  “If you don’t reverse it this instant, I’ll never let you visit me again.”

  “They were horrible to us.” Pearl pouted.

  “I know they were, and now you’ve been horrible right back, but it ends now. Reverse it!”

  The twins looked at one another, then back at me, and then reversed the spell.

  The redhead and her friend—now fully clothed—pushed their way off the dance floor and made their way to the exit.

  “What just happened?” someone said.

  “They were naked, and then they weren’t,” another voice said.

  “You’re drunk!”

  Hopefully the whole episode would be put down to a mass hallucination fuelled by drink—although I wasn’t sure what the redhead and her friend would make of it when they woke the next morning.

  Chapter 15

  This hadn’t been part of the plan.

  After we’d escaped Tremors, I’d wanted to call it a night, but the twins and Kathy would have none of it. Instead of going home to a nice warm bath and a mug of hot chocolate, I’d been dragged around a succession of noisy, sweaty and generally unpleasant clubs. After studying the humans-at-dance, the twins had soon picked up on what passed as acceptable dance moves. They and Kathy had spent the whole night drinking and dancing while I’d played nanny to them. I had hoped the twins would go back to Candlefield, and that Kathy would go home to Peter. Best laid plans and all that. The three of them had all ended up back at my place. I’d had to call Peter and tell him that Kathy wouldn’t be home until the next morning.

  “This happens every time she goes out with you, Jill,” he’d said before hanging up on me—like it was somehow my fault.

  ***

  The three of them were still fast asleep on the living room floor when I got up the next morning. What? You didn’t actually think I was going to let them mess up my spare bedroom again did you? Besides, the state those three had been in when we got home, they wouldn’t have known where they were sleeping. All the way home in the taxi, Kathy had kept going on about the naked dancers in Tremors. The twins had been asleep, and I’d pretended not to know what she was talking about.

  “What time is it?” Kathy opened one eye as I stepped over the prone bodies.

  “Eight o’clock.”

  “What happened last night?”

  “You got drunk.”

  “My head is splitting.”

  “Good. It’s what you deserve.”

  I fed her two paracetamol, and told her to go back to sleep. Before leaving, I scribbled a short note for the three of them:

  ‘Gone to work.

  Help yourselves to breakfast.

  Don’t make a mess!’

  I cast a spell to transport myself to Candlefield, and called in on Aunt Lucy.

  “Morning, Jill. How are the girls?”

  “Err—they’re—still asleep.”

  “Did they get drunk last night?”

  “Not really.”

  “You don’t have to cover for them. It was their birthday, so I guess they’re allowed. I hope they didn’t make fools of themselves.”

  “No. Of course not.”

  If I’d let on that they’d used magic in the club, the twins would be in serious trouble. Sups were not meant to do anything which might give themselves away to humans.

  “Did they see Grandma’s shop?”

  “Yes, but she kicked them out for getting too rowdy.”

  “After the donkey ears incident, I’d have thought that those girls would have learned their lesson.”

  “Grandma has offered Kathy a job in the shop.”

  “You don’t sound very thrilled about the idea.”

  “I don’t trust Grandma. I think she’s up to something.”

  “Do you want me to have a word with her?”

  “No. Let’s see what happens. Maybe I’m being unfair.”

/>   Who was I kidding? That old witch was definitely up to something.

  “How’s Lester?” I said.

  Aunt Lucy shrugged.

  “I haven’t seen him for a while.”

  “You and me both. I guess he must have lost interest.” She forced a smile, but I could hear the sadness in her voice.

  ***

  Eddie Lingard lived on the other side of the park where I’d first met Drake. He shared a house with two other people, one of whom answered the door.

  “Can I help?” The young witch eyed me suspiciously.

  “I’m looking for Eddie Lingard.”

  “Don’t I know you?” She stared at me so intently it was a little unnerving. “Aren’t you the one who found the Candlefield Cup?”

  I nodded.

  “I’m Sasha.” Her face lit up and she offered me her hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “Really?”

  “Are you taking part in the Levels?”

  “It’s looking that way.”

  “Me too.”

  “What level are you?” I thought I should at least appear to be interested.

  “Level two. Same as you. It’s going to be a tough competition.”

  “I don’t expect to do very well. I’ve only just moved up to that level.”

  “That’s not what I hear. The talk is that you’re the favourite.”

  “Me?” I laughed. “I’ll be grateful not to finish last.” I peered over her shoulder. “Is Eddie in?”

  “Come in. He’s upstairs. I’ll go and get him for you.”

  The property was a typical house-share. Untidy. Kathy would have been right at home.

  “He’ll be down in a minute,” Sasha said, when she came back down the stairs. “I guess I’ll see you at the Levels then.”

  “Yeah. See you then. Thanks.”

  Eddie Lingard, a wizard, looked as though he’d only just woken up. His shorts were stained with what looked like strawberry jam, and his tee-shirt was inside out.

  “I’m Eddie.”

  “Jill Gooder.”

  “What’s this about?” he said, through a yawn.

  “I’m a private investigator. I’m working for Beryl Christy.”

  His eyes widened. “Mrs Christy?”