The Ups and Downs of Being Dead

by M. R. Cornelius

  The man’s heart raced, he panted with anxiety. His eyes squeezed tight as he counted off the seconds until he reached the other side of the ravine.

  The realization that he could not quit, that he had committed to thirteen more such runs, had the guy in an even greater panic. When they reached the other side, the man’s legs were trembling. Robert couldn’t get back out fast enough.

  Suzanne arrived on the next rider. She stood on the platform with her hands on her knees, her head between her legs.

  “Wow!” she said when she straightened. “I think I would have had a heart attack if I wasn’t already dead.”

  “I think the guy I was riding with lost bladder control.”

  She laughed, then stepped to the front of the line, hopped on the next rider, and disappeared.

  The rider Robert had occupied was holding back at the end of the line. Had Robert’s fear affected him? Had he inadvertently intensified the man’s experience?

  Feeling a little guilty, Robert slipped back in, and said softly, “Let’s do this.”

  On the next run, Robert kept his eyes open and his mouth shut. The jungle below was breathtaking. And the sense of accomplishment was empowering. The man he was riding with had calmed down considerably, too.

  By the time Robert reached the bottom of the runs, he was ready to do it all again.

  “Let’s go with the instructors this time,” he said. “They take more chances.”

  That evening, they strolled along the streets of Playa del Carmen looking for an interesting restaurant. Purple lights shining on palm trees in the distance drew them to a funky restaurant with rock walls, hieroglyphs of Mayans, and twinkling lights wrapped around tree trunks that appeared to be holding up the ceiling.

  People dining on the veranda got the added bonus of squawking parrots.

  “You think anyone ever gets bird poop in their guacamole?” Robert asked.

  Suzanne wasn’t at all shy about wandering among the diners, sticking her nose in their plates to check out the food.

  She popped into a woman dipping a piece of shrimp into some kind of fruit sauce.

  “Mmmm!” Suzanne exclaimed when she came back out. “Mango salsa!”

  Robert stopped at a guy with a plate of some kind of beef. When he scooped up a big bite, Robert urged him to sop up more sauce before shoveling the bite in his mouth. It was divine.

  “Whooo!” Robert blew out a breath. “Spicy. That guy’s going to need some Tagamet.”

  Suzanne ogled a dish tied up in a banana leaf and after sampling a bite, declared that it was fish. Another shrimp dish two tables over caught Robert’s attention. He was going for a second bite when he heard Suzanne squeal.

  A waiter had delivered a white chocolate pyramid to a table with three ladies, all poised with forks. When they attacked, Robert discovered the confection was filled with a dark chocolate mousse.

  Suzanne swooned—and sampled through all three women.

  After dinner, they drifted into a salsa bar along the main thoroughfare. At first, Robert and Suzanne held back, just watching. Scantily-clad women with their chests thrust forward and their butts cocked back, tiptoe-danced around men in shirts unbuttoned to the navel, and tight, tight pants.

  Then an announcement came on in Spanish, and all the dancers cleared the floor.

  A single couple stepped into a spotlight and the music began.

  “This must be some kind of dance contest,” Suzanne said.

  Robert gave the female contestant high marks for her costume. She wore a skin-tight halter that shimmered white, and a lavender ruffled skirt that just barely covered her tush. Her silver high heels accentuated tight calves and firm thighs.

  The girl’s partner tossed her over his shoulders and pulled her between his legs. She fell against his chest with her back and slid down his crotch, then ducked her head between his legs while he held her by the shoulders.

  How did the man keep the bulge in his tight pants from swelling?

  After the crowd quieted down, two more contestants took their turn.

  “Oh, come on, Robert,” Suzanne urged. “We’ve got to try this.”

  “I don’t know—”

  But Suzanne was already on the dance floor.

  The trick seemed to be remaining absolutely relaxed so that Robert didn’t interfere with the male dancer’s moves. And what moves he had. He tossed that woman over his shoulder, she did the splits between his legs; she even did this back-bending move where she leaned onto his thigh and slid down to the toe of his shoe. He did a little mamba with her on his foot, then kicked up and she hopped back to her feet.

  The couple was panting and glistening with sweat when the song ended. And Robert had never been so aroused. He jumped out quickly before embarrassing the dancer with his lascivious thoughts.

  Outside, Robert and Suzanne giggled as they tried to recreate some of the moves they’d just performed. It was hopeless, and they laughed even harder.

  The night was winding down, pedestrians on the sidewalks dwindled, but Robert wasn’t ready to give up the wonderful evening. The whole day—no the whole trip with Suzanne—had been one exhilarating experience after another. He eagerly anticipated what might be next.

  He spotted a fancy hotel that looked like it might still be jumping. But inside, the only bar still open was playing soft island music. A few couples sat at tables, sipping wine.

  “Looks like everyone is winding down,” Suzanne said. “One last drink before they call it quits.”

  “Or move to the next level,” Robert said. “Check those two out.”

  From table level, a man and woman seemed to be having a pleasant chat. But under the table, they both were rubbing their hands on each other’s crotch.

  “Check please,” Robert mimicked.

  Sure enough, the man paid their tab while the woman clung to his side. They looked like they were in some kind of erotic three-legged race to the exit.

  An older couple at a different table sat holding hands.

  “They’re too old for all that lusty stuff,” Suzanne said. “Now they take it slow, and do lots of cuddling.”

  “What do you make of those two?” Robert nodded at a distinguished, silver-haired gentleman and a thirty-something babe sitting back in a dark corner. The babe dabbed her eyes with a napkin. The man looked just as forlorn.

  “Oh, my,” Suzanne said. “Let’s see. He’s a politician. And he’s come down here to tell his girlfriend they can’t see each other anymore.”

  “Good guess,” Robert said. “Or he’s a businessman down here with his sex-etary and he just realized he left his Viagra at home.”

  Suzanne threw her head back and laughed.

  “I can’t believe you’re the same old stiff I met at the hospital.” She paused and gave her head a little tilt. “You actually are a lot of fun to be with.”

  “I owe it all to your uninhibited aggression.”

  “Are you saying I’m pushy?”

  “If the shoe fits—”

  “Come on,” she said, flipping a finger under his chin. “Let’s get us a nightcap before everyone’s gone.”

  They picked a couple that had just come in. She was wearing a cute little wrap-dress in vibrant oranges and yellows. He was more subdued in a polo and golf shorts.

  A waitress delivered two Kahluas in fancy liqueur glasses, and coffee. Robert would rather a cognac or brandy, but when in the islands—

  The man thanked the woman for a wonderful day. She thanked him for a delightful dinner. They scooted their chairs closer to toast, and each took a sip of liqueur. Robert and Suzanne slipped in to partake as well.

  “I don’t usually go on these singles excursions,” the man told his date.

  And she quickly agreed that she never would have come without her girlfriends.

  Then they just kind of stared at each other. And Robert found himself staring beyond the woman, trying to see Suzanne in her eyes.

  He felt a flush on his cheeks, and
a tingle that began at his heart and radiated out. A pulse of electricity jolted between his legs. When the man leaned in, Robert followed, and the next thing Robert knew his lips were pressing against velvety bliss.

  A zinging current ran down his arms and legs, his body heat kicked in. He deepened the kiss and felt a rush of excitement that made his heart lurch.

  He moaned, the man startled, and Robert got dumped. So did Suzanne.

  “Wow!” Robert said, uneasily scratching at an eyebrow. “That was unexpected.”

  “No kidding,” Suzanne agreed while tugging at an earlobe.

  The couple however, suffered no such hesitation. They downed their Kahlua, left the coffee and nearly sprinted to the elevators.

  “Do you think they’re going to his room?” Robert asked casually.

  “It’s hard to say. She might come to her senses in the elevator.”

  He kind of twitched his head in the direction of the lobby. “We could see if they get off on the same floor.”

  “—If he goes for the goodnight kiss at the door—”

  “—or she invites him in.” He jerked his head again.

  Suzanne nearly knocked him down trying to get to the elevator first.

  The kissing began in earnest the moment the elevator door closed, with the woman pushed against the wall. Her arms tangled around the man’s neck, his hands slid up her thigh. By the time they reached the man’s room, clothes were coming off with abandon.

  They tumbled onto the bed in a tight embrace, their lips biting and tugging at each other. His hands fondled, her hands urged.

  Robert glanced over at Suzanne. She was mesmerized by the groping.

  “I’m—” He couldn’t think of how to explain, so he merely pointed to the man and popped inside. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Suzanne joining the woman.

  Robert struggled to stay quiet, but when the man climaxed, Robert roared with the release. He was drowned out by the man’s own groan, and the woman’s robust cry.

  He savored the aftershocks for a moment before rolling away from the man. He ended up right next to Suzanne.

  “Dear God,” she gasped, her chest heaving from the exertion. “Tell me again why your wife didn’t like having sex?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  The June meeting of the Cryonics members was held at the Omni Royal in Montreal. The moment Suzanne saw Maggie she went rushing like a new bride to her mother. Robert hoped he got high marks as the new groom.

  He knew he had an idiotic smile on his face as he strolled across the room, but he couldn’t help it. He’d just spent the last five months on a non-stop high with Suzanne.

  She was babbling about the psycho mechanic and Maggie showed more than a little skepticism in her gnarled eyebrows.

  “It’s true,” Robert said.

  “Oh, how I wish I’d been there,” Maggie said.

  “You know, that’s the first thing I thought when that guy attacked me. I wished it had been you butting into his business.”

  “Then Robert and I kind of…” Suzanne waggled her head. “…bonded.”

  “You two bonded,” Maggie repeated.

  “Yep.” Robert thrust his chest out like the proud macho primate he was. “And everything changed.”

  Now Maggie really doubted their story. But Suzanne insisted it was all true.

  “We’ve drunk ouzo and eaten flaming cheese in Greece,” she said.

  “We ate enough pastries in Paris to put anyone in a diabetic coma,” Robert told Maggie.

  “We went skiing in the Alps—”

  “Rode the Orient Express for two days with a couple that never once looked out their bedroom window,” Suzanne giggled.

  “You’re having sex?” Maggie screeched. The people standing nearby suddenly went silence.

  “Well, so much for discretion,” Robert snipped, his eyes bugging at Maggie.

  “Are these people aware you’re in their head?” she asked.

  “Some folks figure it out sooner than others. The first time I tried it,” Robert said, “the guy got so disoriented he dumped me out right away.”

  “I can imagine it’s very disconcerting.”

  Suzanne assured Maggie that they didn’t stay long, and they chose different partners often.

  “You know, this information could have astounding repercussions,” Maggie said. “How many times has someone decided at the last minute to turn right instead of left. Or changed their opinion on a subject they felt strongly about? Was that their own doing, or were they influenced by a second ‘occupant’?”

  “Good question,” Robert said.

  “And what about schizophrenics who have been locked up for years, claiming they hear voices, someone telling them what to do. For all we know, they’re simply plagued with a squatter, a ghost who has moved in and won’t get out.”

  “We aren’t driving anyone crazy,” Robert insisted. “If anything, we’re enhancing their experiences.”

  Suzanne agreed. “Some of the people we’ve hooked up with clearly expressed that they’d had the best sex of their lives. Sort of two orgasms in one.”

  “Suzanne!” Robert feigned shock. “Not in front of mother!”

  A temp named Janice rushed into the executive lounge, nearly bumping into Maggie.

  “Have you seen Stuart?” she asked, sounding breathless.

  “Last time I saw him, he was talking to Asa over by the bar,” Maggie said. She stuck out a hand to keep Janice from stepping away. “Is something wrong?”

  “Is there ever,” Janice said. “We got a new patient two days ago. The center wasn’t even sure they should take him because he’s only twenty, and the rule was no one under twenty-one. But the parents were so distraught, and they paid extra, so we took the kid. But it’s a real problem.”

  Spotting Stuart, Janice hustled over to him. Robert watched as she pulled Stuart aside, jabbering non-stop, and constantly glancing back toward the door.

  When Ned Thompson walked through the door, she froze. Standing next to Ned was the twenty-year-old kid. And he didn’t look happy.

  His hair was an unnatural black and his bangs hung over one eye. He had the prerequisite tattoos that all young people seemed to have, but his earlobes appeared to be oversized. Robert studied them with an eye half-closed. Instead of the usual spikes in the boy’s ears, he had big rings the size of quarters jammed in there, stretching the skin way out of proportion.

  “Are you kidding me?” the kid screeched as he surveyed the crowd.

  Other temps who were unaware of the situation, stopped talking to see what the commotion was about.

  “This is like some old farts’ convention,” the kid yelled at Ned. “Why would I want to hang around with a bunch of rotting geezers?”

  Chagrined, Ned tried to pull the kid aside to calm him down. Stuart hustled over, extending his hand to the kid. He refused the offer.

  “Jesus Christ,” the kid said, “you’re even older than him!” He hitched a thumb at Ned.

  “You better duck out of sight,” Robert told Maggie. “You’re bound to put the kid right over the edge.”

  “Very funny, Robert,” she huffed before she tottered over to the kid.

  “Holy shit!” the kid yelled when he saw her. “I’m outta here.”

  He turned and stormed out the door, with Maggie trotting along behind.

  * * *

  Stuart Greyson stood at a podium that welcomed a publishing company from Nova Scotia.

  “Let’s all take our seats, please,” he said. “I thought I’d wait until we were all gathered to explain the excitement at the executive lounge. It seems the Cryonics Center has reached another milestone. We’ve gotten our first young recruit, Brian Campbell. As you saw back at the airport, the young man is a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but we hope he’ll mellow out with time.”

  The temps gathered in the banquet room murmured amongst themselves.

  “According to Ned,” Stuart said. “Brian committed suicide th
ree days ago. His parents were so distraught that they pleaded with the Cryonics Center to take him, even though, theoretically, he is under age. They had been trying to get treatment for their son’s depression, but were unable to prevent him from taking his own life.

  “Their hope now is that in the future, Brian will receive proper treatment and go on to live a normal, healthy life. And I couldn’t agree more. That boy is no different from us dying of cancer, or diabetes, or old age. Technology holds the key to his ailment as much as it does ours.”

  Maggie slipped into the empty seat Suzanne was saving at their table. She gave Stuart a thumbs-up.

  “Ah, good. I see Maggie’s got things straightened out,” Stuart said. “Is Brian going to join us here?”

  She gave her head a small shake, like it was no big deal.

  “Okay, well then, let’s move along to other business.”

  He turned the meeting over to Eddie, the space guy, who had information on some submarine that designers wanted to test in the Marianas Trench east of Guam.

  Robert leaned around Suzanne. “So, you actually got that punk straightened out?”

  “Heck no,” Maggie said. “He’s pissed. At his parents. At us. I doubt we’ll see him again for a while.”

  “Then what was with the thumbs-up?”

  “Oh, I didn’t want Stuart to feel bad. He loves these meetings.”

  Suzanne pressed her lips together to keep from smiling. “Why is Brian angry at his parents? He should be glad they’ve given him a second chance.”

  “I’m afraid he doesn’t see it like that,” Maggie said. “He sees it as just another example of them interfering in his life. He wanted to die, and they wouldn’t allow it. That’s pretty radical if you think about it.”

  “And he’s taking it out on us,” Robert said.

  “You were quite irritated when you found out you were stuck for the next seventy-five years or so with nothing to do,” she reminded him. “Think about how long that must seem to a mere child of twenty.”