Love Another Day

by Regina A Hanel

  THE FOLLOWING WEEK had been awash with tiredness and confusion. Fire had broken out in the Targhee National Forest. The park provided additional ranger and rescue support to the U.S. Forest Service personnel, leaving Sam and the remaining crew at Grand Teton stretched to their limits. Sam worked all the hours offered, and why not, given the circumstances. Working kept her from having to face why she couldn't tell Halie the truth--why her insecurity was breaking them apart. The solution was simple, work. Sam was thankful her neighbor's wife had offered to let Jake out for her in the afternoons and feed him during the week while she was on extended hours.

  Thursday evening, when Sam opened the cabin door Jake bolted toward her. Although she was exhausted, she was equally happy to see him. She rubbed his belly briefly, then dragged herself inside and onto the sofa. She fell asleep instantly. An hour later, Jake's clawing at her leg woke her. Only then did she hear the phone ringing over the eleven o'clock evening news. She propped herself upright and reached for the phone. "Hello," she said groggily.

  "Hi, Sam, it's Halie. I didn't wake you, did I?"

  Sam noticed the light blinking on the answering machine as she bent over to untie her boots. "No. I'm awake. What's the matter?"

  "I was wondering if you could stop by at ten tomorrow morning instead of our usual time. There are a few things I want to do here before I see the Chief."

  With the phone pressed between her cheek and shoulder, Sam tussled through her hair quickly with both hands as a means to help herself wake up. "Yeah, sure. I suppose so," she said, unbuttoning her shirt, "as long as I'm not stuck in the middle of something by then."

  Halie breathed in a long breath and let it out slowly. "You okay?"

  Sam lied. "Yeah, I'm fine. You?"

  "Fine."

  "Great. I'll see you tomorrow then." Sam waited a few moments before hanging up the phone. When she heard the click on the other end, she gingerly placed the phone on the receiver. She glanced dejectedly at Jake, who sat staring at her, his head tilted to one side. "Don't give me that look. Come on. Let's get you a cookie, okay?"

  WITH A QUIET morning on patrol, Sam was able to swing by the lodge at ten a.m. She waited in the patrol vehicle with the window open. The smell of smoke hung in the air, and although not an immediate threat, the smoke from Targhee was a constant reminder of the fire that was still not under control. Sam's radio crackled to life.

  "Four-two-zero, Teton Dispatch."

  "Teton Dispatch, four-two-zero, go ahead."

  "Report to the CRO's office at your first available opportunity."

  "Roger that," Sam responded as she watched Halie amble toward the Expedition.

  "Thanks for picking me up," Halie said, her tone emotionless, as she sat next to Sam.

  "Not a problem. I have to see the Chief anyway."

  Their ride to the maintenance building was quiet. Sam glanced at the animals grazing on the plain. Many appeared skittish. Some stood with noses pointed toward the sky, nostrils flaring. Others scratched at the ground with their hoofs or took off in short spurts, alternately starting and stopping. The calm in the valley had been disturbed. "We need rain," Sam heard herself say.

  Halie's eyes locked on Sam as if studying her, but she said nothing.

  When they reached the maintenance building, Sam stayed in the patrol vehicle for a few minutes, pretending she had to sort through some papers. Once Halie was inside the building, Sam darted to the Chief's office.

  The Chief was alone, for which Sam was thankful. "Hey, Chief, what's up?"

  "Hi-ya, Sam. I got an update on the Sheriff's investigation. They put surveillance on the shop and got an Affidavit for Search Warrant signed. They're on their way there now."

  "That's great. I hope they find what they need and nail these guys." Sam got a vibe from the Chief that he wasn't quite finished and was withholding information from her. "Is there something else?"

  The hesitation was obvious but brief. "I'm afraid so Sam. I know how much this last weekend with Halie means to you and you know I wouldn't ask if I wasn't in desperate need, but with the fire and all, I have to ask you to come in to work tomorrow. I'm sorry."

  Sam remained quiet at first. "Does Halie know?"

  "I told her."

  "Did she say anything?"

  The Chief lowered his eyes.

  "That's fine then--not a problem. I'll be in tomorrow. If you need me Sunday, I can do that too."

  "No, I wouldn't do that to you. Tomorrow'll be fine. I'll be in too. A storm's expected to roll in. The rain should help with the fires."

  "Let's hope so. Would it be a problem if I brought Jake along tomorrow? I'd hate to leave him cooped up another day."

  "That's fine. He's practically the park mascot anyway."

  "Thanks, Chief. I'll see you later. If anything else breaks on the fur trading thing, please let me know."

  "I will."

  SAM GOT HOME from work at a decent hour for a change. After letting Jake out, she called Dr. Kornwall's office and canceled her Saturday morning appointment. Then she mixed Jake's food and popped a frozen dinner in the microwave for herself. After dinner, she soaked in hot water with lavender bubbles until her skin became prune-like. She lay under the blanket of warmth, trying to soothe her aching insides, rethinking the relationship she'd had with Halie, what Sally Kornwall had been trying to tell her the past few weeks, and what she wanted from the rest of her life. After drying off and slipping into a pair of sweats, she shuffled into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She rested on the sofa in the living room, legs curled tight against her chest.

  Jake plopped himself on the floor alongside her. He rolled upside down with his paws stretched in the air in her direction.

  Sam enjoyed his antics. She grabbed his one paw and shook it, then let it go and grabbed the phone. After a few rings, Sam heard a welcoming "Hello?" on the other end. "Hi, Mom, it's me. How are you?"

  "Hey, honey! I'm fine. What's going on? I wasn't expecting to hear from you until tomorrow," June Tyler said.

  "I know. I wanted to hear your voice. Am I interrupting anything?"

  "No, absolutely not. I'm trying my hand at a little painting, but haven't been too successful at it. Is something the matter?"

  Sam forced back the tears welling up. She breathed deep, trying to sort out where she should start. "Looking back, knowing what you know now, were you ever sorry that you met Dad?"

  Silence initially followed Sam's question. "No, honey, of course not. Without your dad, I never would have had you or your brothers, and I don't know what I'd do without all of you."

  "Yeah, but with everything that you had to go through when Dad was sick, and his leaving you, if you knew your life would have turned out that way, would you still have followed the same path?"

  "Of course. Your dad was a good man. We had our differences, but most of them didn't have anything to do with our relationship or you kids. And your dad didn't leave me, Sam. He died. He didn't have a choice. You know that."

  "I know, but--"

  "I didn't tell you this when you were younger because I didn't want you to worry about it the rest of your life, but your father died of a rare blood disease. He was born with it."

  Sam didn't know what to say.

  "The doctors said there was only the slightest chance that you or your brothers would have inherited it, and I didn't want to burden you kids with that. They said if there was no sign of the disease by the time you reached your teens, you'd be fine. I made sure you all had your blood checked every year, well into your teens, and thank God, nothing developed."

  "All this time I couldn't figure out why Dad was snatched away from us. One day he's fine, and the next he's in the hospital, and then he's gone. Losing him while I was still so young wasn't fair. I never got to say goodbye to him. I don't even remember if I told him I loved him," Sam said, sobbing uncontrollably.

  "You didn't have to tell him, Sam. He knew."

  "And then that bizarre accident with Tin
a. I couldn't believe it. It happened all over again. Another person I cared for ripped from me. It seems like everyone I get close to dies."

  "It only feels that way to you. I'm still here. Your brothers are still alive. And now you have Halie. Unfortunately, death is a part of life, Sam, but you can't let it stop you from living."

  "Halie doesn't want to see me anymore. It's my fault. I pushed her away. She knew I wasn't being honest with her, that I was holding back."

  "I'm sorry," her mom replied. "Maybe it's not as bad as you think. You love her, don't you?"

  "I do."

  "And she loves you, right?"

  "She did. I don't know about now."

  "I think you need to share your feelings with her. After your dad died, a close friend of mine told me I needed to let the tears out and allow the hurt to do its job. She said our emotions are what let us know we're human and expressing those emotions is what makes us stronger. At the time I thought she was crazy, but looking back I realized grieving is a part of what shapes us. At least how we handle it is. You don't have a lot of choices. You can either grow from what happened or let it destroy you, and I don't think your father or Tina would be happy with the latter choice. Allow yourself to grieve, but then you have to let them go. And if Halie loves you as much as you love her, she'll forgive you."

  "I don't know. I think it's too late."

  "It's never too late."

  Sam clung to the phone as if holding onto a lifeline. She said nothing. Anguish poured from her. Her body heaved as the sobs tumbled free.

  "Look, honey, you can't control life. The best you can do is roll with it. If you were lucky enough to find someone to love who loves you, then enjoy every minute you can with that person. Love is always worth it. Think about what I said, okay? And keep your chin up."

  "I will, Mom, thanks," Sam said, as a thread of hope returned to her.

  HALIE WASN'T IN the mood to write after work, but she couldn't stand being alone in her room with her thoughts either. She was hungry, so she grabbed her camera and went to the hotel bar for an early dinner. The sign on the door read closed. She asked a housekeeper where to go for a good burger and he told her The Wandering Moose.

  When Halie's cab neared the parking lot of The Wandering Moose, she noticed gray smoke billowing from the chimney, but as they drove toward the front door she saw that the one story wooden cabin-like structure screamed for paint. Glistening spider webs surrounded the bar's sign above the door, and the parking lot needed numerous potholes filled. "Are you sure this is the place?" Halie asked the cab driver.

  "Yes, ma'am. Best ribs in the state if you ask me."

  Halie wasn't planning on eating ribs, but with praise like that she figured the place couldn't be that bad. Plus the smell of the food coming through the open cab window was making her stomach grumble. She paid the taxi driver and went inside. The interior was kept in sharp contrast to the exterior; surprisingly clean, polished, and inviting. The oak floors sparkled, as did the glasses hanging from a rack suspended from the ceiling behind the bar. Halie moved toward the counter. Heads swiveled in her direction.

  "What's your poison?" the bartender asked.

  "I'm not actually in the mood to drink," Halie said, placing her camera on the counter, "but I'm craving a good burger."

  "Then you've come to the right place. You're that reporter from Boston, aren't you?"

  Halie donned a surprised expression. "Yes. My name's Halie."

  "I know. Halie Walker. Nice to meet you." She extended her hand. "Molly T. Moose--I own the place. Where's your partner, Sam?"

  Halie's eyes lit up. "You know Sam?"

  "Sure. Everyone knows everyone around here, especially the rangers. Been a long time since I've seen Sam around here though. I remember the first time she came in here. She had the place in stitches. First, she wants a glass of wine, not beer. I didn't even carry wine. She's the only ranger who's ever come in here who didn't want a beer. Raymond Thundercloud was her district super at the time, and he ribbed her bad for that. But it got better. When they were ordering, she asked me if I had any vegetarian meals. By that time, we were rolling on the floor. There wasn't a vegetarian for miles, at least not one that came to this bar. She had to settle for fries and a side salad. Eventually, she did have me making her some of those veggie dishes, and let me tell you, I enjoyed them, though I never admitted that to her. Wine?"

  "I thought you said you didn't carry any," Halie said.

  "Yeah, well, what can I say? I keep a few bottles on hand, just in case, and it's a good thing. When I saw Sam the other night, I nearly fainted. It's been years."

  "Why'd she stop coming?"

  "She didn't tell you? I don't want to go into it too far if she hasn't said anything, but there was an accident a few years ago, on Grand Teton. It affected Sam badly. She hasn't been in here since, well, until the other night. I was happy to see her, but she looked so tired. We chatted about old times." Molly went on telling Halie all kinds of stories about Sam while Halie ate. As much as Halie wanted to hear the stories, it hurt listening. As soon as she finished eating and was about to leave, Molly said, "Hold on. Do me a favor, would you? Give this to Sam the next time you see her."

  Halie didn't look at the rolled up magazine Molly placed in her hand. "But I don't know if I'll--"

  "She left it here the other night and I'm sure she'd want it back, the way she was engrossed in the thing. I got this feeling she wouldn't be by again, at least not for a while, so I'd appreciate your getting it to her."

  "I will," Halie said. It was nice meeting you, Molly, but I gotta go." She grabbed her camera and rushed out the door. Outside, she unfolded the magazine. She held last month's issue of The Wild International. Halie opened it to her article. She stood silent for half a minute, then started walking along Teton Park Road in the direction of the lodge. "Damn you, Sam."

  Halie kept moving, hoping to clear her mind and forget the hurt. She'd worked off a good part of her dinner by means of a healthy sweat when she caught a glimpse of a yellow-bellied marmot sunning itself between two rocks in an outcropping. The marmot wiggled his nose, smelled the air, and rubbed his feet over his squirrel-like, but more rounded, face. The corners of Halie's mouth turned upward as she took a photo. She knew that if Sam were with her, she would have enjoyed seeing the little guy too. She felt a lump tighten in her throat. What was she still doing in Teton anyway? Her article was technically complete. Did she think Sam would suddenly apologize or open up to her? Heartache encroached on her bump with happiness, but she pushed the ache away, not allowing it in.

  "Halie, is that you?"

  The voice sounded familiar. Halie spun around. Across the street, Felice sat in her truck, arm hanging confidently out the window. "I came from the ranger station. I'm on my way home. Where's your shadow?"

  "I don't know."

  An immediate sign of relief crossed Felice's face. "Have you eaten yet? My treat."

  "Thanks," Halie said, moving a strand of hair off her face as two cars slowed to pass safely between them, "but I did already."

  Felice pulled her truck onto the shoulder. "Maybe another time. How much longer are you staying?"

  "I'm not sure. Technically, my work's done. I might get a flight out tomorrow or Sunday."

  "That'd be a shame. If you decide to stay and you're not doing anything tomorrow, I could take you to Teton Village. Have you been there yet?"

  "No, I haven't."

  "There's an Aerial Tram that takes you to the top of the mountain. You'd get some great pictures from that height. A different perspective. There's a fabulous restaurant they built there last year that we can go to if we get hungry."

  "There'd be a good chance of that," Halie said.

  "Great. So you're game?"

  She hesitated for a moment. Her heart wasn't in it, but she wasn't ready to leave yet either. "Okay, I guess so."

  "It's a date then. Can I give you a ride? You're staying at Big Bison Lodge, right?"

&n
bsp; "Yeah, but I'll walk, thanks. I need the exercise."

  "Not from where I'm sitting," Felice said. "Okay, I'll leave you to it. I'll be by tomorrow morning then--nine o'clock."

  LYING AWAKE IN bed, Sam thought about what her mom had said and how she was living her life, or not living it. She missed Halie. Her heart ached. Tears streamed down her cheeks onto her pillow. She'd cried so hard and long she couldn't breathe through her nose anymore and her head throbbed. The hopelessness inside spread like a fast growing fungus, pouncing on her until sheer mental exhaustion and the quiet darkness finally brought her much-needed sleep.

  Sam's grandmother used to tell Sam when she was little, that the spirits would talk to her at night if she'd let them in, but Sam never believed her. Yet when Sam woke the next morning, her mood and sense of self changed. She carried an inner peace and stillness she hadn't felt in years. She tried recalling her dreams that night, but was unsuccessful. She sensed her dad and Tina were with her that evening, watching her sleep. Had they visited from the spirit world? Had she spoken to them? Had she told them she loved them and missed them? Something was telling her that she had.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  SAM INCHED OUT of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. She glanced in the mirror at her red, puffy eyes and tired face, saddened she'd been so foolish with Halie and praying that Halie would give her another chance. She leaned over the sink, turned on the faucet, splashed icy cold water on her face, and dried off. Then she hurried into the kitchen to let Jake out and made them breakfast.

  Jake was given his usual cup of dry food and vitamin; she had her coffee and made herself two toasted muffins with eggs and American cheese. While cooking, she arranged her thoughts on what she'd say to Halie. Breakfast finished, she quickly showered and dressed, then shot out the door grabbing her ranger hat. Three steps later, she'd remembered she forgot about Jake. She spun around and ran in the cabin to get him. Jake jumped up, tail wagging and ran to her.