Holiday Gridlock

by Gretchen Evans

  That could have been cheerier, but his parents didn’t seem to notice.

  They crowded around one laptop, leaning their faces too close to the screen. The cascade of his mother’s braids fell forward until the ends touched the screen. Light glinted off the top of his dad’s pale, bald head. Two pairs of dark eyes that looked too much like his own stared back at him.

  “Hi, son,” his dad said, cheery enough for both of them. “Did you have a nice Christmas?”

  The call reminded him of the Christmas he’d spent in his college dorm while his parents traveled. Only this time, Gabe was trying to hide his love life going up in smoke instead of a hangover.

  “Yeah, it was good.” He needed to elaborate, to tell his parents about Mark’s family, but his stomach twisted when he thought of the details. “How was yours?”

  Misdirection was as good a tactic as any.

  “It was lovely.” His mother took over, telling him about their walk around the Christmas Market, the candlelight church service, and their quiet morning at home. It was a familiar Christmas to Gabe. The kind he liked. But images of Candace, Jess, Darrin, the kids, everyone from the crowded and loud house snuck in as Gabe listened to his mom. Mark’s face, with an easy, slow grin, swam in front of his eyes.

  He had to scrub at his eyes again. Shit.

  “We got each other the same book; isn’t that funny? It wasn’t even one I had on my list, but it looked interesting, so I picked it up for your father and bam! on Christmas Day, I get my own copy.”

  It was nice to hear his mom talk. Comforting.

  “But we’re boring. Tell us how spending the holidays with Mark’s family was?”

  Not so comforting now.

  His parents leaned even closer to the laptop. So close he could only see about three quarters of his dad’s face. They looked so curious, so interested and happy.

  “It was good. I met his mom. And his sister and brother-in-law and their kids. There were some other people there. Like his mom’s church friends and an aunt and uncle.” His voice was thick, and his mom’s brow creased as she listed. He was going to crack.

  “Actually, we had a fight, and I think we might be breaking up.” There. He’d said it, and it wasn’t so bad. He could say it out loud without losing his shit. But only because he felt numb.

  His parents’ faces fell. Guilt at disappointing them, which was ridiculous, but there it was, piled on top of all his other nearly unmanageable feelings.

  “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. Are you all right?” As always, his mom led the charge into any emotional conversation. Not that they had them often, but still.

  He hadn’t talked to his parents about a serious problem since…probably since high school, and he couldn’t even remember what it had been about. But this was part of real adulthood, right? Talking to your parents like adults who cared about you and not only as parents?

  “Yeah. No, but yeah, I’ll be okay. We still have to talk about some stuff, so maybe not? I don’t know.”

  He didn’t know a lot lately.

  “What happened?” His dad shifted fully into frame. Ready to identify the problem and solve it.

  “Mark wants me to move in with him.” That wasn’t all of it, but he had to start somewhere.

  “But we thought things were going well?” His parents looked confused.

  Gabe almost laughed. Things had been going well, better than well, so why didn’t he simply move in with the man?

  “Yeah, they were.” He didn’t know what else to say to those concerned faces pressing close on him all the way from France. He suddenly felt very alone, trapped in the boring beige box of his apartment with almost no personal touches. The very thin veneer of I’m okay split entirely.

  “He loves me, like really loves me, and I don’t know why or what to do,” Gabe said, voice cracking then fading to a whisper. Tears welled in his eyes, and he didn’t bother to brush them away. He hadn’t cried in front of his parents in a long time.

  “Oh, baby,” Gabe’s mother cooed. “I’m sorry. You need time to think.”

  Gabe nodded. “Yeah, but I can’t. I just can’t think.” He pressed his thumbs against his temples, trying to relieve the pressure building there. “Being without Mark is…” He didn’t know how to explain the yawing emptiness that opened in his gut when he thought about no longer having Mark in his life. “…not good, but what Mark wants is scary too.” Not the same kind of frightening, but all these fears were mixing together, and Gabe couldn’t tell which was which anymore.

  “Why?” his dad asked.

  The straightforwardness of the question caught Gabe off guard. “Why what?”

  “Why is it scary?” His dad leaned back. He crossed his arms over his dad gut and looked straight at Gabe through the camera. “Sure, any commitment is scary, but why is this overwhelming?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  His dad looked stern, his mom concerned. He had to shut his eyes to block them out. Breathe in, breathe out. Why?

  “Because I love him.”

  “And?” his dad coaxed.

  Breathe in, breathe out. “I want to be with him.”

  “Then why aren’t you?” His dad was too good at this. Who needed a therapist when your dad could ask all the hardest questions?

  “Because I’m afraid. Afraid he’s wrong.” Gabe kept his eyes squeezed shut and waited for the next logical question. He was met with only silence. He filled it himself. “Afraid that he’s wrong about how he feels about me and what he wants.”

  “Well, there’s your problem.” Gabe’s dad sounded like he was diagnosing a blown spark plug or some other car nonsense Gabe had never bothered to learn.

  Gabe opened his eyes, tears sticking to his lashes, to see the same stern and concerned faces he’d been trying to avoid. “Yeah, but what do I do about it?”

  His dad shrugged. “You can love somebody you don’t trust, but you can’t live with them. You need to figure out if you trust Mark. You already know you love him.”

  Anger flared in Gabe. “Of course, I trust him.”

  “You don’t trust him to know his own feelings,” Gabe’s mom said, finally speaking up again.

  That wasn’t it. Not exactly. Gabe trusted Mark to know what he was feeling. He didn’t trust Mark’s feelings to be true.

  Because he didn’t deserve someone like Mark. Someone with his life together, someone successful and handsome, and really, really into him.

  Shit. He wasn’t going to tell his parents about this monumental crack in his self-confidence. Parental therapy could only go so far.

  He wiped his sleeve across his nose. “You’re right. I guess I don’t.”

  His dad leaned forward again, his face taking up most of the screen. “Listen, son, you’ve got to get over that, or you won’t be able to be with anybody. Mark knows what he’s doing. Trust him to make his own choices.”

  “Don’t sink your relationship on your own. You deserve this,” his mom chimed in, her dark eyes filled with encouragement.

  Maybe they did know about that crack in his self-confidence.

  He laughed, watery and weak. “Sorry I turned our Christmas call into my cry-fest.”

  “Anytime, Gabe.” His mom’s smile was warm, and his dad looked softer.

  He scrubbed at his eyes. “Do you have plans for New Year’s?”

  His parents were kind enough to take the hint and stop talking about Mark.

  Friday, December 26th, 7:42 pm

  hey sorry im such an ass can we talk?

  Friday, December 26th, 8:12 pm

  I’m not having this conversation over text.

  Friday, December 26th, 8:13 pm

  no!!! i didnt mean that can we meet up and talk?

  Friday, December 26th, 8:16 pm

  Not tonight. I’m tired. Tomorrow?

  Friday, December 26th, 8:17pm

  sure i can come to your place whenever

  Friday, December 26th, 8:22 pmr />
  Around 10AM. I’ll make brunch.

  December 27th

  GABE WAS STUCK. Should he walk in like he normally would? Or should he knock since they hadn’t made up yet? Mark was expecting him, but he didn’t want to be presumptuous. But knocking was weird.

  The door swung open before he could figure it out.

  “I can see you on the doorbell camera. Just come in already.”

  Mark looked…well, not good. The dark circles under his eyes and rumpled hair were abnormal. He looked like he hadn’t slept, but instead had stayed up all night twisting his hands in his hair. He wore a black sweater, with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and baggy gray sweats. His feet were bare. Okay, he did look good.

  He followed Mark to the kitchen. Fruit sat on a cutting board on the counter. Some half-cut pears, orange slices stacked on top of each other, some grapes still on the stem.

  “This was as far as I got on brunch. I’m not hungry. Are you?”

  Gabe shook his head. His stomach was in knots, and fruit wasn’t going to help.

  Mark braced his hands against the counter, arms spread wide and head drooping. “Just. Say what you’ve come to say.”

  Breathe in, breathe out.

  “I’m sorry for how I reacted at your mom’s house. It was stupid. I panicked because everything felt so serious. I wasn’t ready for it.”

  Mark stayed quiet, gaze still pointed at the countertop.

  “Anyway, yeah, I wanted to apologize and say that, uh, I’m ready. Ready for things to be serious now.”

  Mark’s head shot up. His clear blue eyes locked on Gabe, and Gabe held his breath.

  “What?”

  That was not what he had anticipated. “What what?”

  Mark’s forearms flexed as he pushed himself away from the counter and brought his hands to his face. Probably the wrong time to notice, but Gabe did anyway. When Mark dropped his hands, his expression was hard to read.

  “I thought you came here to break up with me.” Mark sounded like he was dropping a lead weight.

  “What? No! I was worried you were going to dump me for being a commitment-phobic asshole who ruined Christmas.” A nervous giggle rose in Gabe’s chest. He swallowed it down. They weren’t ready for the laughing at their own ridiculousness yet.

  Mark took two long steps around the island and cupped Gabe’s jaw with both his hands. “One fight isn’t going to make me leave you. Hell, a hundred fights won’t.”

  “Well, if we have one big fight every six months, that gives us over fifty years before you call it quits.” Gabe couldn’t keep himself from grinning.

  “Not even then.” Mark tipped his head, bringing their lips together in a slow, lingering kiss. The kind of kiss that made Gabe’s knees weak. It was banked passion and overwhelming love rolled into one. Like there were even odds the next move could be filthy sex or cuddling with lots of intimacy thrown in.

  Having both options available, and equally wanted, was amazing.

  Mark was amazing. They were amazing. Gabe couldn’t believe he’d almost thrown this away.

  Gabe nipped at Mark’s bottom lip before pulling away. “Our average will probably go up once we live together. You know, arguing over who leaves their socks on the floor and all that.”

  “I don’t leave my socks on the floor.” Mark’s fingers stilled in Gabe’s hair. The intensity with which he searched Gabe’s face made Gabe’s cock twitch. Definitely leaning toward filthy sex first, cuddling later. “Are you sure? We don’t have to move so quickly.”

  Gabe rose on the balls of his feet to place a quick kiss on the corner of Mark’s mouth. “I’m sure. I promise.”

  “What changed between yesterday and today?”

  With commitment came a whole new level of communication, right? They’d both jumped to conclusions. Gabe needed to be more open about his feelings going forward. He knew that. He did. But vulnerability, even with the one you love, or especially with the one you love, was hard.

  “I had some time to think. Talked to my parents.” Mark’s eyebrows arched in a mixture of disbelief and confusion. “Figured out my own issues. Self-consciousness, blah, blah, blah. It’s a work in progress. But work I want to do with you. Never without you.”

  Mark caught Gabe around his waist and pulled them together from shoulders to knees. Mark’s chest was firm and his abs hard against Gabe’s softer stomach. A ping of self-doubt struck in Gabe’s thoughts. He pushed it away. Trust Mark to make his own decisions.

  “You’re not the only one who gets self-conscious, but I promise to prove to you every day that you have no need to be. If you do the same for me?”

  He gaped at Mark. Nothing about Mark seemed self-conscious. Ever.

  Mark slid a hand to rest between Gabe’s shoulder blades, applying enough pressure to keep their bodies pressed together. “I stayed up almost all night because I thought you were coming here to dump me for moving too fast, remember? I thought of all the things I did wrong or what I didn’t say. It was not my finest hour.”

  “Nope, just needed to get my head out of my ass and stop being so afraid.”

  They kissed again, sliding their tongues together until Gabe’s knees were weak. Mark worked his leg between them until his erection pressed against Gabe’s stomach. Gabe grabbed Mark’s ass to keep them squeezed tightly together.

  “We’ve got a lot to talk about—”

  “Yeah, like how I can’t afford half the rent on your place,” Gabe cut in.

  —but, for now, come to bed?” Mark kissed along Gabe’s jaw as he spoke.

  Gabe tilted his chin high, giving Mark access to as much skin as he could. “You aren’t going to suggest the bathroom again?”

  Mark huffed a laugh against Gabe’s throat. “Round two can be in the shower.”

  As exhausted and emotionally strung out as they were, Gabe thought planning for round two was more than optimistic. Didn’t mean he wouldn’t try though.

  He pushed Mark toward the bedroom, getting his hands under Mark’s sweater along the way. It ended up tossed in the direction of the couch. Gabe drew his fingers through Mark’s chest hair. He didn’t know how Mark wore sweaters right up against his skin, without a T-shirt or anything, without the friction driving him crazy.

  Gabe’s long sleeved T-shirt was trickier to get off while walking. They had to stop in the doorway to the bedroom, which ended with Gabe’s shirt on the floor, but Mark’s mouth also took a lengthy detour down his chest before they finally crossed the threshold.

  Mark let himself be guided to the bed. He sat on the edge and maneuvered Gabe between his knees.

  “Hm?” Mark hummed, reaching for Gabe’s fly. It was their relationship shorthand. Whether leaning over Mark, or sitting, or on his knees—however they could make it work—it meant Gabe was about to get a blow job.

  “Fuck yes.” Gabe settled his hands on Mark’s shoulders. They wouldn’t stay there. He’d end up pulling on Mark’s hair, holding his face while he thrust into his mouth, stroking any skin he could reach. But it was a good way to start.

  Gabe’s zipper caught as Mark pulled on it, only slowing him down for a moment. He had Gabe’s half-hard cock out and in his mouth in no time. He sucked the head, teasing the underside with his tongue. One hand grasped the base of Gabe’s cock in a way that let Mark graze the heel of it across Gabe’s balls. The other settled on the jut of Gabe’s hip.

  That hard suck to the head and ball-teasing combo was the fastest way to make Gabe lose his mind. They had all night, they had so many nights ahead of them, but the quick and dirty feel of getting sucked off in a shadowy room with your pants still on had Gabe holding back from thrusting into Mark’s mouth right away.

  Mark’s hand slid down to cup Gabe’s balls as his tongue painted a broad path over the head of Gabe’s cock.

  If he was going for speed, so could Gabe. It was only fair. He raised both hands and carded his fingers through Mark’s hair until he cradled the back of Mark’s head.


  Eyes raised to meet Gabe’s, Mark gave him a knowing look. He was sexy as hell with his smirk twisted around Gabe’s cock and his clear blue eyes shining. Mark took one long, slow slide down Gabe’s cock, then back up again until only the head rested in his mouth. He stilled, dropping his hands to Gabe’s thighs. Letting Gabe take control.

  Gabe thrust. Slowly at first, his cock dragging against Mark’s tongue. It was reminiscent of their first meet up, but felt so much better now. This was what Gabe had wanted all those months ago. He’d been fed up with Cruised—with all the hookup apps—because he wanted something that felt comfortable. Something that felt real.

  But he was bored, lonely, and wanted to get laid, preferably by someone hot and good in bed. Cruised was the best place to scratch that itch, even if it meant he was just as lonely the next morning.

  Finding Mark had been perfect. And he’d almost walked away from him.

  Gabe’s pace picked up. His hips moved faster. He trusted Mark to let him know when it was too much, but Mark kept his hands braced on Gabe’s thighs. The low light coming from the living room caught the shine of saliva on Mark’s chin as Gabe pulled nearly all the way out. Mark tongued at his slit until Gabe pushed back. Mark’s moan sent vibrations straight to Gabe’s balls.

  Haste had definitely been achieved.

  “Do you want me to come like this?” Gabe asked. Sweat gathered at the small of his back, and his pants now felt hot in the uncomfortable and not sexy way.

  Mark pulled off his cock with one last hard suck to the head.

  “What do you want?”

  Gabe reached down to run the pad of his thumb over Mark’s swollen bottom lip. “How about I fuck you?”

  “Yes,” Mark said, drawn out like a plea. He slid his hands around Gabe’s thighs and upward, ending by cupping his ass. His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion, and his hands froze. “What’s in your pocket?”

  Gabe blinked once, twice, before enough blood made its way back to his brain to understand what Mark had asked. “Oh! It’s my toothbrush.” He scrambled to pull the blue plastic brush from his back pocket. Its bristles had seen better days but it was still good. It helpfully had the name of his dentist printed on the handle.