The worst days were the days like today when she woke up and felt like there was a ten tonne weight on her chest – a weight comprised of guilt and inadequacy. Alex’s words played in her mind – he had saved her, given her a job, without him she was nothing. And she soon believed that there was no way she could care for a baby on her own. It was on days like today that she wanted to die. She ran her fingers through her knotted hair and buried herself further under the blanket on the sofa.
‘Talk to someone,’ Kealana said, pulling the cover off Celeste and handing her a cup of green tea. Kealana had now made it her duty to visit Celeste as often as she could.
‘I have no one.’
‘Your friend from the UK.’
‘I can’t,’ she said, thinking of Alicia, her fiery mop of hair and her ready smile. ‘I was terrible to her. I cut her out.’
‘Your mother?’
Celeste shook her head. She couldn’t bear the thought of burdening her poor mother with her news, not when she was so excited about the arrival of their first grandchild.
‘Then get out of the house. You sit at home all day in your gown. You keep the television on all night because you are afraid being alone. All you have is Ruby and me, and that is not the way for a young woman to be.’
‘I have a husband and I’m pregnant.’
Kealana pursed her lips together. ‘Being pregnant is not a disease.’
‘Do you know where Alex is today?’ Celeste’s eyes shone, hungry for more information about Bonnie and Alex. She had asked Kealana what his new password was, but she said she didn’t know, and Celeste believed her. Alex was untrusting before, now he was absolutely suspicious of everyone and everything. He had even stopped Kealana from opening his post. But she craved reading his emails. It was the perfect insight into what he was thinking, what he was doing.
‘No, I don’t. It’s not good to dwell on this. Has he apologized?’
She shook her head. Alex had said a lot of things since his return from Shanghai or Scotland or wherever he had been, but he had not yet uttered an apology. He would never admit his guilt. By putting Celeste down all the time he was justifying his infidelity. She didn’t need to be a psychologist to see that, yet she couldn’t do anything about it. She turned her face away from Kealana.
Ruby entered the lounge and Kealana found an excuse to leave. She watched Kealana move towards the kitchen. She didn’t want to admit it, but she enjoyed her company. It was hard to believe that the woman she was once afraid of, was now her closest…closest what? Friend? Probably. She had no one else.
*
‘Going out again?’ she asked Alex when the sun had set and he appeared wearing dark jeans, a black shirt and a black blazer. Living in a house with the man she loved without being able to touch him or speak to him left her empty.
‘I have friends to meet,’ he said casually.
‘Do I know them?’
‘Don’t think so.’
‘Will you be back late?’
‘Don’t make a fuss.’
‘I could change and come with you?’
‘You’re not feeling well.’
It was true. Since Alex’s return, the nausea had come back with a vengeance. The doctor blamed it on stress and Celeste had to agree with him.
‘I have to leave now,’ he said, looking at her swollen belly. He had still not shown any love towards the unborn child – no putting his hand on her belly to feel a kick, no talking of possible names. Celeste did all this with Ruby and Kealana.
‘Alex,’ she said, tears staining her cheeks. ‘How did we get here?’
He stopped at the front door, turned around, walked over to her and squatted beside her. ‘How long have you been in those pyjamas for?’
She looked at her attire and for the first time in two days she noticed what she was wearing. She touched her greasy hair. ‘I’ve just been so…’
‘This isn’t healthy for either of us. Look at you. We have staff in the house. Imagine how they must see you.’
She opened her mouth. She wanted to say that Ruby and Kealana understood, but she knew what his response would be. Instead she closed her mouth. Alex was right. What was wrong with her?
He stared at her.
He’s going to ask for a divorce.
‘I think we…’
‘Don’t Alex,’ she pleaded. ‘Don’t say it.’
He stood up and put his hand on her neck. She froze under his grip.
‘You lose the baby. I have no reason to stay. I can’t leave my pregnant wife, can I? What would people say? But, just my wife? I could leave her easily.’ The words came to her mind. Had Alex said that or had she imagined it?
He relaxed his grip and started rubbing her neck. Her tears fell onto her clothes. ‘I think we should move back into the same bed. I’ll move back in tonight.’
She breathed out a sigh of relief then looked up at Alex.
Alex turned and left.
64
Barnet, North London
‘He moved back into your room that night?’ Elaine asked.
‘I had asked Ruby to buy me some hair dye that very evening, despite any worries of how it would affect my unborn baby. I sorted out my hair, dyed it black, just how Alex liked it, thinking it would make things better between us. But Alex moving back into our marital bed was the worst thing that could have happened.’ Celeste’s fingers trembled as she spoke. ‘I see that now.’
‘Why was that?’
‘He snuck back into our room early the next morning reeking of alcohol. He wanted sex. I wasn’t ready for that. But I let him do to me what he wanted. It makes me feel sick now when I think of how weak I was.’
‘It wasn’t your fault. You wanted your marriage to work.’
‘As I lay there, my only thought was that he probably hadn’t been with another woman that night because he wanted me. That’s how desperate I was.’
‘Alex had been drip-feeding you lies for so long. Then suddenly you were struck with deceit, false identities and a string of women that your husband had been having affairs with. It’s understandable that you felt that way. Women often feel somehow to blame for their husbands’ infidelities. That’s what he would have wanted you to believe.’
‘He never said “sorry.” Not once.’
‘Men like Alex have an ego…’
‘But I let him become that person. I turned a blind eye to all those business trips and late night meetings. I thought it was the most natural thing in the world to be dropped home after a night out only for Alex to make his excuses and head out again. He usually said he was going to carry on with the guys. Of course, now I see, there was no meeting other guys. It was an excuse to call Asian Escorts and chat up impressionable young girls. He must have laughed every time he told me he had to fly out on business. All those duty free presents were just to cover up his guilt, and I gladly accepted them without question. I didn’t see what Alex was doing because I didn’t want to see it. Yet he always wanted to know where I was with that tracking application he installed on my phone so that he could always monitor where I was. Can you believe I was actually flattered by his apparent jealousy? But not once did I cheat, I had the opportunity – even Toby Cain had tried it on – I just never took it. I was too in love. Why did he install it, when he was the one screwing around?’
‘To rationalize his behaviour. Because he was being unfaithful he assumed you would be too, and if he had proof of an affair it would have been easier for him to blame you. He couldn’t accept culpability himself.’
‘He used to take calls in the other room, use the computer in secrecy, claiming it was business – important business stuff that I wouldn’t understand.’
Elaine nodded. ‘He was belittling you, making you feel worthless to justify his actions. And of course, to give him the cover he needed to be unfaithful.’
‘He was an ass.’
Elaine smiled.
Celeste smiled too. She had to admit it, opening up to Elain
e was making her feel better. She could feel herself letting go, gearing up towards the next step. It was a big step, but she had to take it. She paused now, wondering why she had trusted Elaine. She had told her so much. And why? There had been no reason to. But she had started, so she may as well finish. ‘I let Alex get away with it for so long. I accepted his behaviour and lies without question, I accepted the late nights at the office, laughed at the incompetence of his brother, Graham, and wore diamond bracelets like shackles around my wrists. I was blinded by material possessions.’
‘You didn’t see what was happening, because you couldn’t cope with what would happen if you confronted him.’
‘What hurt the most was that I was the last to know. Even Angela must have known. That’s why she met me in London. Maybe she purposely took me to The Emerald Rooms. I thought Angela was being naïve about Bill, but really it was me who was the innocent one.’
‘People underestimate humiliation. It can cause such pain, and because of that we can often do things we regret. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you were madly in love and just blind to his faults. No wonder you plunged into depression, especially after what happened.’
Celeste was silent. This is what Elaine had been steering the conversation towards. She should have known that.
‘Is that when you picked up the knife?’
Celeste looked at her shoes.
‘Violence can often build in failed relationships, both towards the other person or oneself. You said you could see the contempt in Alex’s eyes. But how did you really feel about Alex?’
Celeste shifted in her chair then looked at the clock. ‘You’re jumping ahead. I didn’t pick up the knife then. I’m ashamed to say that at this point I still loved Alex, despite all the deceit, despite the hurt. Alex and I remained in this state of limbo for another month – fighting, making up, and crying publicly over dinner. Instead of breaking away, I was becoming more and more dependent on him and I was terrified of divorce. I knew I just couldn’t cope without him, and Alex began to feed off that.’
‘Men who are serial cheaters do that. When they start a relationship with someone else, it isn’t that they don’t want to be with you, it’s just that they want more…’
‘They want to have their cake and eat it too. I thought I knew Alex. He was this beautiful man, who had saved me in Thailand and loved me unconditionally. It was all a lie. He certainly knew me – well enough to play me. Even after I found out about his affairs, I still thought there was a chance. In the month that followed, with no access to Alex’s computer, the vision of him and Bonnie started to fade from my memory. Alex had never admitted it, so I thought maybe he had seen sense and ended it with her. I should have got out when I had the chance. I would have, if I had known what was coming.’ Celeste put a hand on her stomach.
‘The man you married was not the man you divorced. People change over the course of a marriage. You must have changed as well during that time. You were independent before you moved to Hong Kong – you had your own job, your own identity. You also refused to be a stay-at-home wife when you married into the Renshaw empire. You should be proud of that. It was Alex who slowly took it all away from you.’
‘When I lost my job at Cross, I thought it pointless getting a new one. I was pregnant and I felt ill all the time. I should have been the trophy wife Alex wanted from the start, then he would have stayed.’
‘Few husbands are faithful to trophy wives. And Alex fell in love with the independent Celeste. He wouldn’t have wanted you any other way at the time. Don’t forget that.’
‘In the end he didn’t want me, but he didn’t want to let me go either,’ she said taking a tissue from the box on the desk and dabbing her eyes. ‘In the end I had no choice. I had to ask him for a divorce. It all happened so fast after…’ she trailed off.
‘After what?’
Celeste looked at Elaine. ‘He gave me no choice.’
65
15th October 2012
Mid-Levels, Central and Western District, Hong Kong
Celeste pulled back the duvet and padded over to the bathroom. She washed her face, pulled her gown around her and rested her hand on her belly.
Alex was packing for a business trip or he was going to meet Bonnie, she wasn’t quite sure, but she hoped it wasn’t the latter. Like a switch, Alex’s mood had improved a few days ago, and he had even offered to rub her shoulders last night. She walked back into the bedroom, sat down on the bed and watched Alex for a few minutes whilst he sorted out his white shirts from the black ones. Twice he looked up at her and smiled. She wasn’t used to him smiling at her of late and she couldn’t help thinking that his smile had changed. Before, his smile was broad and genuine, and his eyes had shone at her with a tenderness she could not describe. Now, his smile seemed a little distant and forced. But she couldn’t say anything – a smile was better than a scowl.
The house was silent, Ruby was out fetching groceries and Kealana wasn’t due for another hour. Celeste savoured moments like this, when she and Alex were alone with no one to interrupt them. Even if they were not on the best of terms with each other they were getting back to some normality. The fear of divorce was starting to fade from her mind, and she felt better in herself since Alex had returned to their bedroom. Waking and getting dressed in the morning was no longer so much of an effort, and her appetite had somewhat returned. But despite her improved mood, she still felt like she was standing on the edge of a deep, black hole and she knew it would only take something small to push her into that dark place again. She shook the feeling off and told Alex she was going to make some tea. She walked towards the bedroom door and stood on the landing. ‘Do you want anything?’ she asked as she studied the wooden flight of steps in front of her. Alex mumbled something.
‘A coffee?’
‘Yes,’ he said a little louder this time. She could sense him behind her. She took in his fragrance and her body relaxed. When they had first moved into this apartment Alex would come up behind her and wrap his big arms around her, telling her just how much he loved her. She was desperate for him to do that now. She closed her eyes and silently willed him to put an arm around her.
Nothing.
Of course, it was too soon. She attempted a smile. One day, he would love her the way he used to. She opened her eyes and took a step forward.
She felt a hand behind her. Alex was holding her.
No, pushing her.
She was falling.
Seconds later, she opened her eyes. She was at the bottom of the stairs. She felt a sharp stab of pain in her abdomen. Her legs wouldn’t move. ‘Alex,’ she mumbled. She could barely hear her voice, only the blood rushing in her ears. She felt another sharp stabbing pain and a dull ache deep in her belly. ‘My baby!’ she screamed.
She heard footsteps behind her. ‘Alex help me. Our baby,’ she said, lifting her head just in time to see him step over her.
‘Alex!’ she screamed. In her confusion she wondered if he had not seen her. Her vision was blurred but she saw him enter the kitchen before she dropped her head back to the floor.
‘My baby,’ Celeste groaned as the pain sliced through her.
She heard a key in the door. ‘Help,’ she heard herself say. She felt numb
‘Aiyaaa!’ she heard Kealana scream, followed by hurried steps from the kitchen.
‘What the hell?’ It was Alex.
‘What’s this?’ Kealana said, dropping her bag. ‘Did you not hear her fall?’
‘I had the radio on in the kitchen,’ Alex said. Celeste felt her husband squat down and stroke her hair. ‘Don’t just stand there,’ he shouted at Kealana. ‘Call a bloody doctor. My wife, my baby!’
Celeste opened her mouth to say something but no words would come. It was the first time Alex had said the words ‘my baby’. She cried out in pain just before she passed out.
66
17th October 2012
Aldridge Hospital, Central and Western District,
Hong Kong
‘Where am I?’ she asked, looking around the white and green room. A nurse stood at the end of her bed.
‘You’re in the hospital now,’ the nurse said as she walked over to her side and checked her notes.
‘Why? Oh,’ Celeste said, remembering. She sat up and touched her belly. It hurt her to move. ‘My baby. What happened?’
‘You had an accident. Your stomach ulcer medicine didn’t help either. Misoprostol can be dangerous. They should have warned you.’
‘I don’t have a stomach ulcer. Get me the doctor. You don’t know. You’re confusing me with my husband.’
The nurse looked puzzled. ‘You definitely had misoprostol in your system.’
‘Who brought me here?’ she asked. Memories of the past forty-eight hours started to filter through. She remembered her fall, Alex stepping over her. And then the hospital – the green walls, the smell of bleach. She had given birth. But there had been no crying, had there? Where was her baby? What happened to the child she delivered?
She had used those stairs to their bedroom countless times. It was reckless of her to have fallen. But she hadn’t fallen, had she? She had felt something behind her. Someone. She had smelled the sandalwood and citrus of Alex’s cologne as she stood on the landing, willing him to hold her. But instead he had pushed her. She recoiled at the thought before she realized it to be true. ‘No!’ she cried out.
He would never have pushed her. Not kind and gentle Alex. But the Alex she knew now wasn’t the same person she had married. He was capable of causing her harm. He was more than capable. She had seen his cold and calculating smile just moments before he pushed her, which she had foolishly mistaken for affection. She had seen the hatred he had for her in his eyes, and she had witnessed him punch a man out cold in Thailand. She couldn’t forget his anger then. It had made her blood run cold. Since then Alex had been so calm. Had he hidden his anger from her like he had hidden his whores?
Kealana had been there, she remembered that. She had helped her. What would she have done if she hadn’t turned up when she did? Alex had tried to kill both her and the baby. ‘My baby?’ she asked the nurse. ‘Where’s my baby?’
Poison in the Water Page 25