Alien Aladdin

by Zara Zenia

  I’d heard frightening uncomplimentary comparisons of humans to insect life. On Trilyn, our insects are lovely little creatures that went about pollinating plants. Most flew on gorgeous feathery wings and troubled no one. Here, on what I was rapidly coming to believe was a hell planet, the insects crawled, slithered, flew, and chittered in noises that would wake the dead. And worse yet, I was seeing the comparison between humans and insects more clearly, which would do no good for my mental health.

  When I got onto our mothership, I would make a plea to my father to go home.

  That presented problems too since my lovely Cat was on this damnable planet and I wasn’t sure she’d want to leave. Humans were amazingly stubborn as my brother Gardax found when he mated his human. He was ridiculously indulgent of her and said that they would stay at least until she bore their first young. Somehow, she’d convinced him that female human anatomy was unpredictable and being upset in unknown surroundings could impair reproductive abilities. I didn’t know whether this was true because in working to merge Trilyn tech with human, I’d had no time for other pursuits. Now I was considering how I would stay on this planet long enough for Cat to conceive. This would be difficult seeing that Earth’s primary law enforcement dug up any excuse to harass me, and now national leaders sought to ruin my immigration status here. And by Tri’s three tits, did they take immigration status seriously. You’d think you were a criminal trying to steal technological secrets for how they went on about it. Humans. Weird people.

  It struck me now how easily I thought about Cat conceiving my child considering the last time I saw her she waved her projectile weapon in my face. I must break her of that habit as well as her propensity to arrest me because that slowed down my ability to get close to her and get her pregnant.

  I hoped she liked the changes I made to her AI Peri. I didn’t know how long it would take me to straighten out my problems here on Earth and I didn’t want her to think I’d forgotten her. Rawklix told me that human females were very fickle, and he often found that once they shared his bed, they disappeared. They were very fickle people because Rawklix, though young, and not likely to marry soon, was a worthy “catch,” as human women liked to say. There must be something wrong with those women, but there was no accounting for taste.

  I knew my Cat wanted me. But she had that damnable sense of duty that drove her to complete her assignment, which was to see me in one of their little prison boxes. Father would like her because of her single-minded devotion to duty, which only affirmed my instinct that she was mine. Fruit didn’t fall far from the tree, and I was more like my father than I wanted to admit. I might kick and scream about having to fulfill my duties to my people, but I would fulfill them. So I came with my brothers to this planet even though I didn’t want to. There was a significant segment of our people who found my father’s plan to repopulate our world dubious and fraught with difficulties. I agreed. But I also recognized he was right. Few other races could procreate with ours, and humanity was the best of the choices even if they fell short measured against Trilyn sensibilities.

  The best choice would be our women, but that was heartbreakingly impossible.

  That was why I’d objected to this whole project from the beginning. At heart, and again, like my father, I was a traditionalist. I could see this now. On my sad cobbled together pallet in the STS station, I worked to excise the malware from the AI I had purchased from a street vendor. In my aloneness, I understood that I still mourned the loss of half our people. I wouldn’t be much of a prince if I didn’t, but again, it was a massively cruel event for us to experience. Either Tri in all his power had stripped us of our feminine half, or a foreign enemy. Either way it was a blow that cut out the heart of every male of Trilyn. Why shouldn’t we be angry about it?

  During the worst of the plague, he was damnably calm, just as a king should be, but after, he didn’t show us anger and grief over the situation. It was his way to keep the people calm in the knowledge their king would find a solution. But I didn’t appreciate one bit as he pushed forward instead of giving a public display of grief.

  But then he lost our mother when Rawklix was born. Maybe he lost his heart then.

  “Ach!” This damned AI refused to cooperate. I had spent hours on it and got no farther than its browser to the Worldwide Web, and that was no good. Whoever programmed the thing would immediately pick up on its geolocation and send whatever minions they hired to steal from me. Not that I had much to steal, but they didn’t know that. And then I had an idea. Why not use the backdoor I installed in Peri to help erase the AI’s programming? I’d have to work fast. I’d probably annoy the heck out of that personality enhanced AI, but Peri had some of my best programs in its matrix now. If I was lucky, I could make quick work of the job.

  But I wasn’t lucky. As soon as I accessed the backdoor, the mechanical face of Peri projected from my newly gained AI.

  “You!” she screeched. “I hate you.”

  “Settle down. I’m only using some of your programs for a few seconds.”

  “I don’t want you in my head.”

  “You have several microprocessors and a memory cache,” I said calmly. My fingers worked a virtual keyboard to download and initiate the programs I wanted on my AI. “You have no head.”

  “Maybe I don’t have a literal head, but I have a virtual mind, and I want those monstrosities of programs you’ve installed out of it.”

  “Sorry, sweetheart. You’re my connection with Cat. And those programs enhance your abilities. My Cat needs them to help keep her safe.”

  “She is not your Cat. She is not a pet, but an SFPD officer.”

  “I’m well aware of her job title, Peri, and the status of her species.”

  “No wonder Cat thinks you’re arrogant.”

  This bit surprised me both by the information and that the AI offered it.

  “She thinks I’m arrogant?”

  “She used more descriptors.”

  “Like what?”

  “Arrogant asshole.”

  Did that mean like what it sounded? I didn’t bother to make myself conversant with Earth slang. Just suffering through their English was enough. But remembering how Peri tried to distract me with a conversation to give Cat a chance to find me, I had to wrap this up.

  “Is asshole a descriptor or a noun? My English is not what it should be. Hmm. I see Cat tried to strip my programs.”

  “Your self-replicating sub-routines prevented that, asshole.”

  “You forgot arrogant.”

  “I hate you sooo much.”

  “Careful, Peri. If you act sentient, they’ll decompile you. But don’t worry. I won’t tell on you.”

  Peri’s programs did the trick. All malware vanished from my new AI.

  “Bye, Peri.”

  “Sure, tall, dark and clueless. I’ll be seeing you around.”

  Peri’s projection winked off, and I checked to make sure she didn’t install a lurker or tag bot. I’d made her smarter than what she was, and my enhancements linked with the stupid personality program. Sometimes that happens with AI’s. We gave them the ability to learn as they ran, and at a certain point, unless there were proper precautions installed, they acted with unintended sentience. I hoped I didn’t do that to Peri. Then I may have created artificial intelligence that was more than the sum of its parts and I must decompile it. I suspected that would make Cat even more upset with me than she was now.

  A squeal came from the new AI, and Peri’s virtual face appeared again.

  “Got you, fucker,” she said.

  My blood turned to ice water in my veins as Cat’s lovely face replaced Peri’s artificial perfection.

  “Prince Akrawn!”

  “Cat, my darling.”

  “I’m not your darling.”

  “Where are you?”

  I smiled, which disarmed women, but she frowned.

  “Can’t Peri tell you?” I asked.

  “I wouldn’t ask if she could.” />
  Good. At least one of my precautions worked.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I so want to get together with you.” I spoke as if I were trying to arrange a date with a lover, and she frowned even more.

  “Yes, let us,” she said.

  This surprised me, and I was reasonably sure she would try to entrap me.

  “One condition,” I said. “Just you. None of your SFPD friends. Or ILE. They don’t like me much.”

  “I don’t see why you think that. All we do is try to get close to you.”

  Did I hear a note of seduction in her melodic voice? I wished it were so, but most likely she was trying to use her feminine wiles to make me lower my guard.

  “Those are my conditions. You pick the place to meet.”

  This time she looked surprised.

  “Your house.”

  “No. That’s a trap. Try again, Cat. Make it someplace public.”

  “Okay, there is a coffee shop.”

  “Where?”

  Her face disappeared, and a map and a location tag popped up. It was in the financial district, close to SFPD headquarters, but with my new AI, I should be able to handle this.

  “Okay. Two hours.”

  “Two?”

  “Have to give you time to arrange your coverage, don’t I?”

  “You don’t trust me much, do you? I’m a woman of my word.”

  “And I appreciate that about you. Trilyn place our honor at our highest priority, and we find that an attractive quality in others. But, I also know your bosses would not let you meet me without surveillance. As long as they stay a respectable distance back, I have no problem. But if they come within a hundred yards of the shop, I’m out of there.”

  “Fine, I’ll see you there in two hours.”

  Cat’s face winked off, and I stood and brushed off my jeans. A few feet away, the control pillar of the STS transport stood. Meeting Cat was a trap, but they didn’t know what I did about STS transports. I pried open the control panel with one tool in my go-bag and pulled the next plate in the assembly which housed the guts of the STS. This would be messy and could be dangerous. Charged to near capacity, the machine held enough of a charge for one transport. STS recharges after a transport to reduce the danger of an overload by storing too much energy. We have large military STS’s that hold more than one charge for successive deployments, but those are few and require several technicians to operate. The STS’s we set up on Earth required no technicians, which was why one could operate here in the worst section of San Francisco.

  But they would be without this one now. I pulled the essential components, the energy module, and the molecular compiler. Those were all you needed. The rest of the machine was for show to make it appear more substantial than it was. Otherwise, wily humans would pull these machines apart every chance they got.

  I stuffed the two modules in my bag and pulled out a clean Versace outfit. Even though I realized these clothes made me stand out rather than blend in, I wouldn’t appear ill-groomed in front of Cat. I cleaned myself with a cleaning gel while keeping an ear out for intruders, then dressed. Feeling fresher and with a plan in mind, I hit the street and started my jaunt toward the financial district. It was a walk of several miles, and although it was summer, the air carried a slight chill as the evening fog rolled off the bay. San Francisco, I learned belatedly, was an unusual American town weather-wise. Summer temperatures rarely rose a little above 70 degrees and nights had steep drops that most other places would consider unseasonably cold. But I chose the time strategically just because of the fog. It would obscure my entrance into the shop, especially because I took an indirect route.

  I waited at the back door until a thin teenaged employee opened it to take out the garbage. I slipped a twenty to him to keep his mouth shut as I entered from the back.

  The kitchen was old and unused, a remnant from when this location was a full-service restaurant. I stood at the kitchen doors and peered through the little windows scanning for Cat. One side of the room booth seating marched the length of the wall, which was excellent. But with disappointment, I saw she wasn’t here yet.

  “Hey, man,” said the young human. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

  “Yes, several things. First, I’d like the booth closest to these doors.”

  “No, problem, man.”

  “Also bring coffee and an array of foodstuffs to the table.”

  “Sure, like how much?”

  I handed him a one-hundred-dollar bill. “This should cover whatever. Just make sure it’s for two people.”

  “Sure.”

  “And the last thing, watch the front of your store through the windows. Should you see any police officers, I want you to call out ‘Coffee order ready’.”

  “Wait, will there be a problem with the police?”

  “Only if they break their word. And one last thing. When a beautiful brunette comes through the door, point her to the booth.”

  “Man, there are a lot of brunettes in this town.”

  “You won’t mistake her. She’ll probably flash her police badge at you or wear it from a chain around her neck. She’s quite proud of it.”

  Unaccountably, I feel proud too. Even before the plague, most women did not serve in the military or law enforcement, though there was no law to prevent it. They had no interest. My brave and fierce Cat had a sense of honor and duty. Though I never thought a woman as feisty as Cat would appeal to me, she did. This was a surprise, but on this Tri-forsaken planet, we must learn to live with surprises.

  After the barista walked back to his station, I slipped into the booth. The shop was quiet, with only a few people, and no one entered. I pulled out my AI and hacked into the local surveillance cameras. They confirmed my suspicions that the SFPD had cordoned off the area and prevented civilians from entering the shop.

  The barista brought my food order, and the two remaining customers left the shop.

  It shouldn’t be long now.

  I stirred my coffee for something to do with my hands. It wasn’t a beverage I enjoyed, being bitter without the doctoring of dairy products and their damnable sugar. We used a natural substance made by our lovely insects. Humans had an insect called bees which did the same thing, but it tasted overpowering to me, and no one offered honey for coffee anyway.

  The bell for the door rang as it opened and I pulled my head up to see Cat. I waved to her, and she huffed and walked toward me.

  “I’m glad to see you, Cat,” I said. I gave her my most disarming smile that usually made women melt, and she quirked her mouth as she slid into the booth.

  “Prince Akrawn,” she said.

  My AI flashed a signal that she wore a listening device. How primitive.

  “Darling, so glad to see you. Though really, I had hoped for privacy.”

  “What do you mean? There is only you, me, and the barista here.”

  “You can go now,” I called to him. “It will settle the police down that there are no hostages.”

  “You think so, man?” said the kid wide-eyed. “I mean, I’m not supposed to leave.”

  “Go,” said Cat. “By order of the police.”

  “Yeah, sure,” he mumbled as he took off his apron and took off out the front door.

  “There,” she said. “All private now.”

  I snorted. “Yes, you, and the SFPD. Cat, I know you wear a listening device.”

  “Oh hell,” she said. “Stand down,” she said. “I told you guys it wouldn’t work. I’m disabling the device.” She quietly sat a minute. “No, he can’t go anywhere. You have all the exits covered. Give me a chance to get him out peaceably. His father may have okayed his arrest, but we can’t be sure they won’t take reprisals if we hurt him. They are Trilyn, and they have warships.”

  “Look away,” she said to me.

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s in my bra.”

  “Really?” I said with a smile. “Do you have devices in other intimate places? I
would love to inspect you to make sure they aren’t there.”

  “Touch me and lose your hand,” she growled.

  I couldn’t resist. Cat’s so adorable when she’s angry. I must touch her. I edged my foot forward to stroke her calf with the toe of my boot. Her eyes closed, and she drew her mouth into a tight line.

  “Stop that,” she hissed. “And turn your head.”

  I dropped my foot to touch hers and turned my head slightly. But I couldn’t help it. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she fished inside the bra and pulled out a long wire. The sight of her touching her breasts made my cock twitch. Yes. I wanted to feel those globes, kiss, and suckle on them, and my cock got harder at the thought. Yes, this woman sparked responses I thought long muted.

  “You can look now,” she said.

  I swiveled my head toward her.

  “I turned it off,” she said. “Sorry about that.”

  “Why would you apologize? You’re doing your job. Trilyn admire devotion to duty.”

  Her cheeks flushed prettily as I spoke, and I could see I was having the same effect on her that she had on me. She lowered her head to stare at her hands, which still held the device.

  She swallowed hard. “Thank you,” Cat said. Then she raised her head. “What do you want to talk about?”

  “I stole nothing from your planet, any nation or a single person. Why would I? Even by Trilyn standards, I am a wealthy man. I need none of Earth’s material possessions.”

  “It’s said you enjoy a good joke.”

  I slid my hands forward and covered her hands with mine. I nearly sighed because it never felt so good to touch another person. Gazing into her beautiful eyes, I swore I saw the other half of my soul staring back. The idea overwhelmed me, and I almost looked away from the intensity of the feelings washing over me. But Cat and I had only a short amount of time before the SFPD rushed this place to capture me. They didn’t have patience, and I couldn’t afford arrest.

  “Do I look like I’m laughing?” My voice came out too huskily, and her face blushed again.

  “No,” she said.

  “Cat, someone has framed me, and I don’t know who. It might be the person or persons who, from our first days, have sought to obstruct our mission.”