Surrender in Silk

by Susan Mallery

  She thought about trying to make conversation, but she couldn’t summon the energy. It wasn’t just her shattered spirit; she was also physically exhausted.

  She hadn’t slept the previous night. Zach had grabbed a pair of jeans and disappeared into the living room of the suite. She’d crawled into bed, curling up like a wounded animal. She’d stared into the darkness and tried to figure out how everything had fallen apart so quickly. She’d searched for an answer, prayed again for a miracle. There had been no answer but silence and the dampness of the tears on her cheeks.

  She closed her eyes against the beautiful countryside stretched out on either side of the highway. She didn’t want to see the trees or the mountains one last time. It was bad enough she’d lost Zach; she didn’t want to have to miss their private world, too.

  Time passed. A while later, she felt the vehicle turn onto a steep driveway. The Bronco rocked as it climbed. Then it came to a stop.

  Zach got out without saying anything. He walked to the cabin. Minutes later he was back out, dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. He started running.

  She opened the passenger door and stepped onto the hard ground. She knew where he was going and what he was going to do. He would run to the road and back. Down the driveway. She’d promised when he was able to do that, she would leave. Now he wanted her to go.

  She thought about unloading the luggage in the back, but it was too much work. She could barely gather the strength together to draw breath in and out. Everything hurt. What had happened? Why was he doing this to her? What had she done wrong?

  She made her way to the front stairs and settled there. It was a perfect late-spring day. Birds flitted from tree to tree. Soft green grass sprouted from rich soil. Wildflowers dotted the ground.

  She inhaled the sweet scents of new life. Tears were so close to the surface, but she forced them back. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t find an answer to the question of what she’d done wrong—and then she figured out why. She hadn’t done anything wrong. None of this was about her. She was willing to risk it all for love.

  Not Zach. He wanted to hold everything inside, regardless of what it cost him now or in the future. He chose to walk away.

  The rumble of an engine caught her attention. She glanced up and saw a Federal Express truck pulling up beside the Bronco. A uniformed young woman stepped out and carried over a flat package.

  “How you doing?” the woman asked.

  “Fine, thanks.” Jamie’s response was automatic. She didn’t think this stranger wanted to know how she was really feeling.

  “I’ve got a package for Zach Jones.”

  “I’ll sign for it.” Jamie stood up and started toward the woman. “He’s out running.”

  “I saw him. He’s like a maniac, tearing down the mountain. I didn’t know he was there and I was scared I might hit him. He just ran on by, like he didn’t even see me.”

  “He probably didn’t.” She signed on the line indicated, then took the package. The return address was a familiar one in Washington.

  Had Winston found him, or had Zach called in the night? Probably the latter. Winston wouldn’t have known Zach was ready to return to work.

  She waved at the woman as she turned her truck around. The sound of the engine faded, then there was only silence.

  Jamie stared at the package. She knew what was inside. Information on Zach’s next assignment. Where would he go this time? Would his life be in danger? Would he make it? She wasn’t going to be around to rescue him again. He’d been in the field for nearly fourteen years. What if all his luck was used up? What if she never saw him alive again?

  She sat there in the sunlight, trying to find answers. There weren’t any. She could only exist through the pain and wonder if she was going to die of a broken heart.

  Finally Zach came jogging around the bend in the driveway. He was breathing hard and covered in sweat. She knew what he was going to tell her. He’d reached the highway. It was time for her to go.

  He stopped in front of her, then bent over and braced his hands on his thighs. Sweat ran down his face and neck. His T-shirt clung to him in damp patches. She couldn’t bear to hear the words, so she spoke them for him.

  “You made it,” she said.

  He nodded, still unable to speak. Finally he straightened. “You don’t belong here,” he gasped, then turned and walked back and forth in front of the porch. “I don’t want or need you in my life.”

  She watched him. Through the pain and sadness, some small spark flared to light. Anger. It temporarily stopped the bleeding and gave her courage.

  “I almost believe you,” she said.

  He glanced at her, obviously startled.

  “You want me to crawl away broken and defeated, thinking I made a big fool out of myself,” she continued. “It’s not going to be that easy.”

  Under his quickly darkening stare, her courage nearly faltered. She reminded herself this was for all the marbles. There wasn’t going to be a second chance. If she didn’t risk everything, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what could have been.

  “I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what went wrong,” she said. “What I did that was so horrible. Then I realized it was you.”

  “That’s convenient,” he growled. “Whatever works. You’ve had your say. Now go.”

  “Not so fast. I’m not done.” She paused for effect. And because she was shaking. “You’re a coward.”

  That got his attention. He raised his eyebrows. “Be careful,” he warned, his voice silky with danger.

  “I’m not afraid,” she said. “You are. You are so terrified to feel even one emotion. You hide behind your work. You frighten people away. You won’t dare get involved with anyone who might actually want something from you, especially if what they want is for you to feel something. You only slipped up once, and that was with me. Seven years ago, you got involved, even though you knew it was going to have a price. You were so scared, you were willing to do anything to get rid of me. That’s why you made me choose.”

  She took a step toward him. He stopped pacing and stared at her. “Damn you, Zach. You didn’t have the right. It wasn’t your place to play God with my life.”

  “I did what I thought was best at the time.”

  She swore. “Go sell it somewhere else. No one here believes that. You talk as if you handled the situation well. I’ve got some news. You didn’t. You were a complete jerk. You’re nothing but a faker. You think you’ve managed your life pretty well. You think you’re so tough, but there are ninety-pound weaklings with more backbone, more moral fiber and more courage than you can even imagine. Being able to take a bullet doesn’t mean you’re strong. Even a wild animal will face death bravely if the animal is motivated. Real strength is about giving something from inside. Giving something that matters, that actually costs something. It’s not brave to risk it all when you have nothing to lose.”

  He turned away. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

  “You’re wrong. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. And that’s what makes this so hard.” Her anger faded as quickly as it had flared, and she was left with nothing but the pain and emptiness. Still, she forced herself to go on.

  “I know it all,” she said. “I’ve been there, just like you. I’ve felt the pain and experienced the suffering. I’ve done things and seen things that aren’t even human. I have nightmares. I’m afraid. But I’m still willing to put that aside for you. I’m willing to try. This is about us. Not the nebulous idea of a family, not for some unreachable dream of being normal. I don’t even know what normal is. What I do know is that I would do anything for you. I would lay down my life. I would even walk away.”

  “Then just do it,” he demanded, spinning toward her and planting his hands on his hips. “Get the hell out of my life.”

  “I will,” she said, and nodded. She would do what he asked because there was no choice left to her. Funny, she
hadn’t thought it would end like this.

  She pressed her fingers to her chest as if she could stop the bleeding. Her breath caught in her throat. “Oh, Zach, I wish you’d been honest with me back then. It would have made it all easier.”

  “I never lied to you.”

  “Yeah, you did. You let me hope that there was a chance, that you were capable of caring about someone. You should have told me a fling was all you were good for. You should have told me not to waste my time.”

  “Damn it,” he yelled, and stalked toward the woods. When he was about twenty feet from the porch, he turned back to her. “Do you think I want it to be like this? Do you really believe this makes me happy?”

  “Yes,” she said quietly.

  His shoulders slumped, and he rubbed his hand across his face. “What do you want from me?”

  “I want it all. Don’t you see? I’m the last person who’s going to come looking for you. I’m the last one who is going to care if you live or die. We could build a life together. We could be happy. We could be like that old couple, celebrating our fiftieth anniversary together. You can choose to spend your life in the dark like an animal, or you can join me in the light. You can try. I’m going to make it, Zach. With or without you, I’m determined to find what I want. I’m going to get some balance. I’m going to learn not to be afraid to show my feminine side. I know there are risks, but aren’t they worth it? And wouldn’t it be easier if we did it together?”

  It didn’t seem to matter how many times he knocked her down. She kept getting up. He didn’t know whether to applaud her efforts or have her committed. Zach shook his head slowly. That wasn’t true. In his heart, he admired the hell out of her. She had more courage, more conviction, more raw guts, than anyone he’d ever met.

  He shouldn’t be surprised. From the first day she’d shown up at the academy, he’d known she was special. She’d been determined to do whatever it took to achieve her goal. She’d worked harder, longer and smarter than any recruit he’d met before or since. He wanted nothing more than to be worthy of her, but he knew he wasn’t. And if he tried to pretend, she would eventually find out the truth. This hurt for the moment, but in the end, it was the kindest act he could perform. One day she would understand that.

  She might be willing to face the past, to look at the ugliness and move on, but he couldn’t.

  She brushed her face with the back of her hand. He hated that he’d reduced her to tears. “Please, Zach,” she said, her eyes pleading. “If I’ve ever meant anything to you, if you’ve ever had a single hope that it could always be like this, then take a chance. I’ll be there. We’ll figure it out together.”

  She made it sound so easy. A single step of faith. No big deal, right? Maybe for her, but not for him. He wasn’t like her. Couldn’t she see he was doing what was best for her? Didn’t she understand the sacrifice involved?

  “Don’t make me do this,” she said. “Don’t make me leave you.”

  “It’s best,” he told her. “What you want is still possible. Find that life you so admire. Be happy. Get a husband, have some kids, drive in a car pool. I don’t begrudge you that happiness, Jamie. You deserve it.”

  “But I don’t want it without you.” Her tears flowed faster.

  He felt as if his belly had been ripped open. He fought against the pain. Why did doing right feel so wrong? “You want it any way you can get it. I know. My chance to go back was over a long time ago. I didn’t take it. Sometimes I think I should have. I don’t know anything else but my job. It’s what I want to do.”

  “No. It can’t be. Zach, no.”

  “All the wishing in the world isn’t going to give me a second chance.”

  She studied him for a long time. Her eyebrows drew together and she sniffed through her tears. Then she seemed to come to some decision. “Seven years ago, you made me choose. You were wrong to do that.”

  She didn’t know how wrong. Next to this conversation, it had been the most difficult moment of his life. But he’d known then she would never be happy if she didn’t go out and experience all she’d worked for. He hadn’t had the right to ask her to stay with him, so he’d let her go. He’d suspected then she’d been his last chance and he’d been right. Now it was too late.

  “We can’t change the past,” he said.

  “I know. But we can change the future. You made decisions without consulting me. You put yourself in charge of my destiny because you thought you knew what was best for me. What if you were wrong?”

  “I wasn’t.”

  “Maybe then. But you’re wrong now.” She drew in a shaky breath. Her dark blond hair shimmered around her shoulders. This was how he wanted to remember her. Proud. Beautiful. Strong.

  “We both paid a price for that moment,” she continued. “Now you have to choose. You can be the warrior or you can be the man.”

  “You still don’t get it, Jamie. You’re stronger than me. You always have been. The kindest act is to let you go.”

  “You’re wrong. The kindest act is to love me. That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You don’t love me. You never have.”

  He wanted to speak the words. The lie. If he told her he didn’t love her, she would leave and never look back. But he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t deny the one truly perfect part of his life. Loving her. He’d always loved her.

  She walked to the porch and picked up a package. “You’ll let me go, but you’ll let me go wondering what could have been between us. That’s cruel of you, Zach. I expected more. I deserved more.”

  He wanted to defend himself. Didn’t she know how hard this was for him? He said nothing.

  She held out the flat package. “This came for you. It’s from Winston. Probably your next assignment. Tell me something. Is Winston omnipotent, or did you call him from Denver?”

  “I called him last night.”

  “Good. I would hate to think he really does know everything.” She glanced at the package. “This is the world you want. A world without love. Without me. Take it.”

  He stared at the purple-and-white envelope, but he couldn’t reach for it. He wasn’t ready to go back into that world. Tears rolled down Jamie’s cheeks. He couldn’t bear that, either. He turned and started to jog. Then he ran. Faster and faster until he couldn’t see the cabin or hear her calling his name.

  The canyon was less than fifty feet across, but the bottom was nearly a half mile down. Zach crouched in the underbrush and listened to the gunfire. It was closer than it had been just an hour before. The enemy had found the trail. There wasn’t much time for any of them.

  He functioned without thought, taking care of business, getting his men across the narrow footbridge. On one side of the bridge, the rope railing had been taken out by a shell blast. Two men were dead, a third injured. Their luck had run out. If they could just make it across, they would be safe.

  He sent his second-in-command over next, then turned to scan the jungle behind him. Once everyone was on the other side, they would blow up the bridge. The enemy would be trapped with no way to get to them.

  It wasn’t supposed to be a difficult assignment. He’d completed a dozen like it. So why was this one so hard? Why was he hesitating? What had he forgotten?

  Jamie.

  Jamie! He turned around and peered through the thick underbrush. Something was wrong. He could feel it.

  “Zach?”

  Her voice. She was alive. He glanced up and saw her on the other side of the canyon. His men were gone; she stood in their place, exactly as he remembered her. Hair in a braid, jeans, sweatshirt. In front of her was a small blond little girl, about the same age as the child they’d seen at the zoo. Chubby pink cheeks, bright blue eyes and a pretty smile. He found himself smiling back.

  “Come on,” Jamie said, motioning him toward the bridge.

  Zach couldn’t move. His legs wouldn’t cooperate. He couldn’t get control of his breathing. He couldn’t think.

  The enemy moved closer. He had
to destroy the bridge before they got across. Before they got Jamie. But he couldn’t force himself to act. Something held him in place.

  Fear. He could feel its coldness against his skin. He could taste it.

  “Daddy, hurry,” the little girl called. “Daddy, we need you.”

  “I can’t. Run,” he shouted as loudly as he could. Yet the sound seemed to float away on the wind. He knew they hadn’t heard him.

  “I’m not leaving without you,” Jamie said, her voice echoing in the canyon.

  “Daddy, please!”

  The men were upon him. Dozens and dozens, all dressed in camouflage, heavily armed. They streamed past him, not even noticing him. He reached for his gun, but he was unarmed. He didn’t even have a knife. He jumped in front of one of the warriors, and the man simply pushed him aside.

  One by one they crossed the bridge and surrounded Jamie and her daughter.

  He woke to the sound of a scream.

  Zach sat up in bed. He was covered with sweat and panting.

  Adrenaline raced through his body. He could feel the thundering of his heart. His legs twitched; his hands shook.

  It was just a dream, he told himself. An ugly, vivid dream he wasn’t going to be able to forget for a long time. But it wasn’t real.

  He stood up and walked to the window. He pushed up the glass and let the cold night air pour over his heated body. Dreams were a luxury he didn’t usually allow himself. Everyone dreamed; he knew he did, as well, but he didn’t allow himself to remember the dreams. This time he didn’t get a choice.

  The images were imprinted on his brain. When he closed his eyes, he could see the jungle scene, the trust in Jamie’s eyes, the horror on the child’s face when the armed men had approached. Instead of reliving it over and over, he stared up at the star-filled night and tried to think of other things.

  Daddy, help!

  She’d called to him, and he hadn’t been able to respond. He’d let her down. He’d left her to die.

  White-hot pain ripped through his already tattered soul. How could he have abandoned a child?