by Amy Clipston
“I understand.” He leaned back against the buggy. “Is there anything I can say to convince you to stay after Thanksgiving?”
She smiled. “I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Really?” His face lit up in a brilliant smile.
“Ya.” She hugged her jacket to her body. “I’m just not sure how my parents would take the news.”
“Maybe you could stay until Christmas?”
She scrunched her nose. “I’m not sure my parents would agree to that.”
“What if we were snowed in at Thanksgiving, like we were last Christmas Eve?” He pointed to the house as a grin turned up the corners of his mouth. “If you were snowed in, you couldn’t catch a bus back to Indiana.”
She laughed as she touched his arm. “You have all kinds of devious plans, don’t you?”
“I do.” He cupped his hand to her cheek. “I really like you, Tena.” His voice sounded low and husky, sending a ripple of excitement through her body. She shivered.
“I really like you too.” Her smile faded as his gaze became intense, stealing the air from her lungs.
He leaned down, and she felt his warm breath on her ear. “I hope you stay,” he whispered before brushing his lips across her cheek. She sucked in a breath at the contact.
“I should get going,” he said. “I’ll see you at church tomorrow. Gut nacht.”
“Gut nacht.” Her voice was barely a whisper as her body vibrated with anticipation.
He climbed into his buggy, and she waved as he guided the horse toward the road.
Then she ran into the house, locked the back door, grabbed a lantern, and rushed up to her room. After brushing her teeth, she changed into her nightgown and flopped onto her bed. Her head was swimming with both confusion and exhilaration. She moved her hand over her cheek as she remembered the soft caress of Wayne’s kiss.
She had enjoyed it! Her heart danced at the possibility of having a relationship with him. But that would mean she’d have to stay in Bird-in-Hand. Would her parents agree to her staying? Did she want to stay?
She covered her face with her hands and stifled a happy yelp. Her cheeks felt as if they would burst into flames.
When she felt something warm and soft against her arm, she opened her eyes and found Hank rubbing his head against her as he purred.
“Danki.” She opened her arms to him.
As Hank snuggled with her, Tena tried to imagine a life with Wayne. But how could she think about a future with him when her heart still ached whenever she thought about Lewis’s betrayal?
“Please, God,” she whispered. “Heal my heart.”
CHAPTER 8
Here’s what I want to propose,” Wayne began during the meeting the following afternoon. “I think we should take our assistance to Alex one step further.”
Tena glanced around the table in confusion and shock as Wayne explained his plan. She studied each of her friends’ expressions, waiting for someone to show any sign of disagreement. But they all seemed to nod or smile. She gripped the edge of the table as she tried to wrap her head around Wayne’s idea.
“So I think we can help him by paying his rent and seeing if anyone in the community has any leads on a job for him,” Wayne concluded.
“What do you all think?” Ephraim asked, looking around the table. “We should discuss it and then vote.”
“I love it.” Clara tapped the table. “In fact, I’m going to talk to mei onkel. He owns a nursery, and he might have a job for Alex.”
“Really?” Katie Ann smiled. “That would be great if your onkel gives him a job.” She turned toward Wayne. “I love the idea too. I support helping him find an apartment. We’ve been making money since April, and although we’ve donated most of it to the shelter, we’ve also saved some of it for any needs that came up. I wouldn’t be surprised if we have enough to pay a deposit and a couple of months of rent, as long as it’s for a modest apartment.”
“I agree,” Chris said.
“Me too,” Mandy echoed.
“Wait a minute.” Tena held up her hands, and she saw Wayne’s posture go rigid beside her. “Does anyone disagree?”
The kitchen fell silent, and no one responded.
“Everyone thinks this is a great idea?” Tena asked.
A murmur sounded as they all nodded.
“I’m not sure I think it’s a gut idea,” Tena continued as she noticed Wayne slumping back on his chair.
“Why not?” Mandy gave her a palms up.
“I don’t think it’s a gut use of our money,” Tena explained. “I think Alex should use the resources available to him, such as the homeless shelter, to find help. We should just keep donating money to the shelter.”
“Isn’t it the same thing, though, to help Alex?” Clara asked.
“Ya, I agree.” Katie Ann nodded. “In fact, this feels more meaningful to me.”
“I think so too,” Biena said.
“When Wayne shared this with me,” Ephraim began, “I told him this feels like we’re taking our community service to a new level.” He pointed at Wayne. “Tell Tena what the bishop told your dat.”
Wayne turned to Tena, and she saw pain in his eyes.
“The bishop told me Dat said he was proud of us and what we’re doing for the community.” His voice was soft as if he were pleading with her to agree with him.
But she couldn’t agree with him. Still, remorse for stating her opinion so strongly came fast and hard, stealing her words for a moment.
“I think the bishop would be really impressed with this idea too,” Jerry added.
“Ya,” Clara said.
Humiliation dug its claws into Tena’s back as she scanned her friends’ faces once more. None of them agreed with her. None of them understood how she felt. She was completely alone, and she felt her face flush with embarrassment. She had to get away before she drowned in it.
“I’m sorry.” Tena pushed back her chair and stood. “I don’t agree with you all, but I don’t want to hold you back. Do what you feel is right with the money.” She spun and hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs, ignoring her friends’ calls to come back.
When she reached her bedroom, she sank onto the edge of her bed and hugged her pillow to her chest. She’d never felt so alone and ostracized.
Wayne glanced around the table as silence fell over the kitchen. Defeat bulldozed over him, and his throat felt thick. He’d been afraid Tena might not understand his heart about this, but he never imagined she would react this way. He’d been certain their relationship had grown by leaps and bounds after their conversation last night, and she hadn’t recoiled from his kiss on her cheek. But he was wrong. They still didn’t see eye to eye about Alex. His shoulders slumped with the weight of his disappointment.
“What happened?” Emma appeared in the doorway holding a book in her hand.
Wayne explained his idea. “We voted to do it, but Tena disagreed.” Wayne shook his head as both dismay and regret warred in his gut. “She got upset and left. We called her to come back, but she just kept going up the stairs.”
Emma set her book on the end of the counter. “I’ll go talk to her.”
“Danki,” Wayne said.
Mandy pushed back her chair and stood. “Tell her we’re going to eat now, and she should join us.”
“I will.”
Tena rolled onto her side and stared out the window as she heard footfalls echoing in the stairwell. When a knock sounded on her doorframe, she looked over her shoulder at Aenti Emma.
“Tena, do you want to talk about this?”
“No.”
“All right. But you should be with your freinden. They’re all concerned about you.”
“I’ll come down later,” Tena said, hoping it would appease her.
“But you should have something to eat,” Aenti Emma said.
“No, danki.” Tena turned her attention back to the window.
“Mandy brought buffalo ranch chicken casserole.”
“I’d rather just be alone.” She held her breath, waiting for her great-aunt to move away. She heard her sigh.
“Don’t stay up here too long. There might not be any food left. You know how much those buwe eat,” Aenti Emma said. And then her footsteps echoed in the hallway and down the stairwell.
Tena was so tired.
She closed her eyes and listened to the murmur of conversations through the floor while she waited for sleep to take her. She’d hoped Hank would join her, but he must be enjoying being with her friends too much to keep her company.
When the clip-clop of horse hooves and hum of buggy wheels on the rock driveway woke her, she sat up, smoothed the wrinkles in her dress, and then patted loose strands of hair back under her prayer covering. She was surprised she felt hungry, and she hoped Aenti Emma had saved a plate of casserole for her.
She headed down the stairs to the kitchen and stopped short when she found Wayne standing at the counter with Aenti Emma.
When his eyes locked with hers, the whisper of awareness swept over her skin.
“I thought you’d be gone,” Tena said.
“I didn’t want to leave until I had a chance to talk to you.”
Aenti Emma patted his shoulder. “I’ll give you two some privacy.” She crossed the kitchen floor and gave Tena an encouraging expression. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Hank trotted after her.
“Why did you run out and hide upstairs?” Wayne asked.
Tena shrugged and then sat down in the closest kitchen chair. “No one agreed with me. I was embarrassed, and I felt like the odd person out. I was all alone in the discussion, so I figured it was best if I left.”
“No one wanted you to leave.” He sat down across from her, a frown forming on his face. “You ran off like a coward.”
A coward?
“What was I supposed to do? Everyone was looking at me like I was narrisch.”
“No one thinks you’re narrisch.” He studied her. “I don’t understand how you can be so cold toward Alex after all he’s done, though. He’s become like one of us, working hard to keep the garden going. Why can’t you agree that he’s worthy of our help?”
“Wayne, I’ve told you how I feel, over and over. If you don’t understand it by now, there’s nothing left to stay.” She stood.
“I disagree. I have plenty more to say.” He stood as well, his eyes fierce and his tone icy. “Alex may not be Amish, but he is a child of God. Jesus said, ‘A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.’”
She took a step back as if his words bit her.
“We’re called to help one another,” he continued, “and Alex deserves our help. I don’t understand you. Frankly, I’m disappointed in you for not supporting me and the rest of our freinden with this new aspect of our project.”
Tena sniffed as her confidence crumbled. “I never meant to disappoint you.”
“Just the other day I was thinking about what kind of future you and I could have together.” His voice rose. “I was thinking we could date, and then I would ask you to marry me after a few months. Mei dat has always said I can build a haus on his farm, so I would build whatever size haus you’d like. Then we would live there and, with God’s blessing, raise a family together.”
She swallowed against her arid throat as she looked up at him.
His scowl deepened. “But I can’t plan a future with someone who believes anyone who isn’t Amish isn’t a child of God. You aren’t the maedel I thought you were.”
She opened her mouth to protest, but a sob choked off her words.
“Gut nacht, Tena.” Turning on his heel, he marched out of the house, the back door slamming in his wake.
Tena stared at the doorway to the mudroom as tears cascaded down her hot cheeks.
“What happened?”
Tena swiveled to face her great-aunt. “Wayne said he thought he could have a future with me, but now he can’t because I refuse to accept that Alex is a child of God and deserves our help.”
“Let me make some tea, and we’ll talk about this. I’ve kept your casserole warm in the oven.” Aenti Emma filled the kettle and set it on the stove. Then she took two mugs and tea bags from a cabinet and brought them to the table. “Sit.”
Tena sat down and rested her chin on one palm as heartache threatened to suffocate her.
When the water was ready, Aenti Emma filled their mugs and brought Tena’s supper to the table. They sat in silence for a few minutes, the ticking of the clock the only sound as Tena took a few bites of her food while contemplating her confusing feelings and breaking heart.
She jumped with a start when Hank suddenly appeared on the chair beside her. She scratched his ear.
“Do you care about Wayne?” Aenti Emma finally asked.
“Ya, I do.” Tena kept her focus on the cat as she nodded. “I care about him a lot.”
“Is what Lewis did to you the source of your bitterness?”
“My bitterness?” Tena faced her great-aunt. “You think I’m bitter?”
Aenti Emma cupped her mug in her hands. “When you were little, you loved going to the market. You once told me you enjoyed seeing the English women and their different hairstyles. You used to talk to them while we stood in line to pay for our food.” She chuckled. “One time you asked a lady why the ends of her hair were yellow but the top of her hair was black.”
“No!” Tena gasped. “What did she say?”
“She just laughed and said it was because the blond was fake and the dark was her real color.” Aenti Emma’s smile faded. “Back then you enjoyed seeing people who were different from us, and you weren’t afraid of them. Now I see resentment in your eyes when you’re around Alex. You’re even still afraid of him, aren’t you?”
Tena wiped her eyes with a paper napkin as her tears began to flow again. “It’s true. I am afraid of him because of how that Englisher hurt Micah.”
Aenti Emma clicked her tongue, a sure sign she didn’t like what she was hearing. “Have you told Wayne what happened to Micah?”
Tena shook her head.
“If you told him, he’d understand your point of view, why you struggle with your feelings toward Alex.”
Tena sniffed. Why hadn’t she told Wayne before? It wouldn’t be easy, but he’d been so understanding when she told him about Lewis. Would he be that understanding about how Micah’s attack affected her?
“I know Lewis hurt you, and I know you’re still healing from what Micah went through.” Aenti Emma leaned over and squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry for your heartache, but you can’t let bitterness define the rest of your life. Lewis has moved on, and Micah has healed from his injuries and returned to a normal life. Now you need to do the same. Live the life God has given you.”
Tena wiped her eyes again as regret clamped down on her chest. “Maybe it’s time for me to go home.”
“Do you really think that’s true? Or are you just trying to run away from your problems?”
Tena was dumbstruck by the question and the piercing look in her great-aunt’s eyes.
“Pray about it, Tena, and then do what seems right.” Aenti Emma lowered her eyes and sipped her tea.
Tena stared down at her plate as her thoughts continued to spin like a weathervane in a windstorm. She needed to trust Wayne with the truth about Micah, and she needed to see the truth about Alex, whatever it was. She would pray. Only God could help her trust again despite her fears.
CHAPTER 9
Guilt and disappointment bogged Wayne’s steps as he made his way toward where Alex was working near the garden. He was exhausted after not sleeping more than an hour or so last night.
Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the pain etched on Tena’s face when he’d said he was disappointed in her. He’d hoped they could have a future, but he couldn’t spend the rest of his life with someone as selfish and c
old as she had been toward Alex.
Still, it hurt to the depth of his soul to have to push her away and abandon his dreams. It was as if he’d broken up with her even though they’d never dated, and his heart felt as though it had cracked down the middle.
“Wayne.” Alex turned from raking leaves. “Are you all right? You look like you had a rough night.”
“You could say that.” Wayne lifted his straw hat and pushed his hand through his thick hair. “I was wondering if we could talk.”
“Of course.” Alex dropped the rake and wiped his hands down his jeans. “What’s on your mind?”
“I proposed an idea to the group last night, and they all agreed. We’d like to help you get set up in an apartment and find a better job, maybe in a nursery. That way you can get on your feet—have a place of your own and a steady income.”
Alex gaped. “Are you serious?”
“Ya. What do you say?”
Alex clamped his hand over his chest. “I don’t know what to say. This is an answered prayer, a dream come true. I don’t know how to thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Wayne nodded toward his buggy. “I picked up a newspaper on my way over here so we could look for furnished apartments. We can’t afford anything fancy, but we can at least get you something decent.”
“I don’t need fancy. I just want a place to call my own.”
“That’s what we’d like to find for you.” Wayne nodded toward the buggy. “I’ll go get the newspaper. Why don’t you take a break, and we’ll go through the ads.”
“Great. Thank you, Wayne.”
“You’re welcome.”
When he thought he felt someone watching him as he headed to his buggy, he looked up toward the porch, and his gaze tangled with Tena’s. Even from this distance he could tell she had dark circles under her eyes. Maybe she hadn’t slept much either. An ache opened in his chest and spread through him. While he longed to apologize to her, his head told him to keep walking.
Wayne turned away from her, and as his feet picked up their pace, his ache deepened with each step.