7 Years Bad Sex

by Nicky Wells

  ‘Me?’ Myles was all pretend outrage. ‘What’s eating me? Nothing’s eating me. But you two, you’ve been behaving like randy cats that never get the deed done. What’s with you?’

  Alex nearly choked on his drink. Was it really that obvious?

  ‘And now,’ Myles continued mercilessly, ‘you’re making eyes at the first available piece of totty in sight. What’s up? Don’t you love Casey anymore?’

  ‘Of course I still love her!’ Alex was shocked that Myles should be thinking along those lines. ‘In fact, I miss her. It’s our first night apart since we tied the knot.’

  Myles made a gagging noise deep in his throat. ‘I get it. You’re lovesick. I need more beer.’

  He ambled off to the bar. Alex was left behind feeling as though the floor had been pulled out from under him. Did it really show to the whole world that he and Casey were leading a frustrated quasi-celibate existence? If so, that was a disaster. No wonder the rest of the band had been handling them with kid gloves during practice and at gigs. Casey had assumed it was because they were now married. In truth, everyone could see that they weren’t shagging. He sighed. What a mess.

  Myles returned with a couple of beers, and, for a microsecond, Alex debated confiding in his erstwhile best man. But he thought better of it. Myles didn’t do that kind of talk. And once the words were out there, they would be truly out there. As in, well and truly all over the social media. Myles might be his best mate and an ace guitarist, but a great confidant he was not.

  Alex picked up his beer and downed it. ‘Can we go now?’

  Myles spluttered his beer all over the table. ‘What, now? We only just got here! This is supposed to be a night out.’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry, mate, but it’s not my scene tonight. Can’t we get a movie and hunker down at your place?’

  Myles shot him a sceptical look. ‘Sure. If that’s what you want.’

  ‘That’s what I want.’

  After four hours filled with two action movies and twelve cans of beer, Myles had passed out and was snoring softly on his sofa. Alex, however, couldn’t sleep. Yeah, he had had a great time, but he felt really out of sorts, especially after what Myles had said in the club, and he wasn’t really in the zone for hanging out. Still, he had stuck with his best mate. He couldn’t very well have gone home. But he wished he had.

  He grumbled to himself and tried to get comfortable on the sofa once more. Myles emitted a particularly loud snore, and Alex wanted to do a runner. Suddenly it occurred to him that he might as well go and sleep in Myles’s bed if Myles wasn’t in it. The sheets might not be the cleanest, but heck, he would stay in his clothes and have a nice hot shower back at home in the morning.

  No sooner thought than done. Alex padded gently across the vast wooden floor and shut the door to Myles’s bedroom behind him. At last, that stopped him hearing the snoring. He pulled back the duvet and gingerly climbed into the enormous super-king-sized bed. Something rustled under his bottom, and he expected to find a porn mag.

  ‘Myles, Myles, Myles, you need a steady girlfriend,’ Alex grinned to himself. But his grin quickly faded with uncertainty. It wasn’t a porn mag that Myles was harbouring in his bed. It was a catalogue of some description.

  Alex squinted at the images, confused by what he was seeing. ‘What is this stuff? Is Myles into some unusual cookery fad that I don’t know anything about?’

  He turned the page this way and that but couldn’t make sense of the assortment of images showing blender-shaped multi-coloured sticks and balls. Eventually he resorted to looking at the front page and nearly choked on suppressed laughter. Myles’s bedtime reading was a mail-order catalogue for sex toys. Alex had apparently been staring at vibrators and massagers of the ‘most exclusive variety’.

  The laughter built and built until Alex could hold it back no more. He had to stuff a pillow in his mouth to drown out his guffaws. Tough man and bad boy Myles was given to ogling some of the kinkiest sex toys on the planet.

  ‘I wonder if he has any of these stashed away here somewhere?’ Interest piqued, Alex pondered rifling through his mate’s wardrobe but drew the line at snooping. Instead, he amused himself looking at the catalogue some more. He fervently wished Casey were there to share the joke with him. She would have a field day with this stuff. He could almost hear her voice. Eek, what do you suppose that one does? And what orifice does it go into?

  He was still shaking with laughter when the idea hit him. There was stuff in here that might actually be helpful. They had tried the kinky outfit route, and it would have worked if Casey hadn’t reacted to the rubber. So why not kinky toys?

  Alex picked up the catalogue again. Some of these implements looked really entertaining, especially as their actual use was a mystery to him. If nothing else, he and Casey could have some intimate fun with this stuff.

  He turned the catalogue over thoughtfully. There was no way he would surrender his personal details to a dubious mail order purveyor of sex toys. That wouldn’t do. No, he would simply have to find an actual shop. Paying cash in a real shop, however dodgy, where nobody knew him—yeah, he could manage that.

  ~Casey~

  Something was cooking in the kitchen. The lights were low, and the table was set with fancy crockery and candles. Something was definitely up.

  Casey sniffed the air appreciatively. She detected the fishy tang of prawns cooked in garlic oil. There was a delicious hint of chilli and paprika, and she could pick up the scent of chorizo baking in the oven. Her stomach rumbled in anticipation. She had spent all afternoon in the studio working on the vocal tracks for Blue Heart’s new album. Normally the band insisted on staying together whilst recording even individual parts, but Liza had been taken ill, and Myles had taken her home.

  Alex had stuck around when they left, but after a while, the sound engineer had subtly suggested that Alex might as well leave too. So Alex had taken off, and Casey had found herself alone in the studio.

  She smiled. She had assumed that Alex would have gone to the pub or maybe hunkered down for some writing at home. Instead, he had put together a meal of tapas for them both. Bless him!

  ‘That smells good,’ she greeted him happily. ‘Have I mentioned lately that I love you?’

  Alex chuckled. ‘The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach, it seems.’

  ‘Absolutely.’ Casey wrapped Alex in a hug. ‘I dig the apron and the oven gloves. That’s a nice look.’

  Alex bowed. ‘Thank you, ma’am. If you care to be seated, dinner shall be served.’

  ‘Wow. I clearly must go out to work on my own more often,’ Casey joked. ‘I like the domesticated husband routine.’

  ‘Watch what you wish for, gorgeous,’ Alex replied as he set down steaming dishes on the table. ‘Wine? Red or white?’

  Casey surveyed the offerings before her. ‘Red, I think.’

  ‘Excellent choice.’

  Alex ditched the apron and oven gloves and sat down with Casey. ‘Bon appétit.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Casey tucked into some prawns greedily. ‘What’s this all in aid of?’

  ‘You’ll see, darling, you’ll see.’

  Casey shivered. What had this husband of hers planned for the evening? He was obviously on an all-out seduction mission.

  They hadn’t attempted sex or even talked about it since the rubber dress incident. Instead, they had devised a new evening routine involving books, movies, music, and wine. In bed, they did a crossword. Without intending to, they had fallen into an almost geriatric marriage lifestyle.

  Tonight, however, it seemed that Alex was poised for romance. Casey chewed and swallowed to dislodge the lump of dread that had caught in her throat. Yes, dread. She was dreading ‘it’ going wrong again. The more often they tried and failed, the worse it was going to get, she was sure of it.

  ‘You’re miles away, sweetheart. Are you okay?’ Alex broke into her thoughts, and she forced a smile on her face.

  ‘Fine,’ she replied, he
r voice catching only slightly on the lie.

  ‘I’ve a surprise for you,’ Alex announced.

  ‘Really? What is it?’

  ‘You excited?’

  How can I be excited if I don’t know what you’ve planned?

  ‘You know I love surprises,’ Casey offered evasively.

  ‘Oh, and this one will be fun!’ Alex rubbed his hands together gleefully.

  ‘Does it involve—’ Casey couldn’t get herself to finish the sentence.

  ‘Possibly.’ Alex did it for her. ‘But lots of fun for sure. I can’t wait!’

  Casey laid down her fork. ‘All right, let me see. Where is it?’

  ‘In the lounge. Close your eyes.’

  ‘Close my eyes?’

  ‘Close your eyes. Go on, do it.’

  Obediently, Casey closed her eyes. Immediately Alex took her hand and guided her towards the lounge. He opened the door and propelled her in gently.

  ‘Ta-da! You can open them now.’

  Casey opened her eyes and gasped. On the lounge table was set out an array of bewildering objects of all shapes and sizes in various bright and gaudy colours.

  ‘What do you think?’

  Casey cleared her throat. ‘What is this stuff?’

  ‘Aha, I’m glad I’m not the only one stumped by the purposes of this equipment. I’ve been shopping, you see.’

  ‘I see,’ Casey replied drily. ‘Only I don’t see.’

  Alex tugged at her hand and led her to the table. ‘Sit down,’ he encouraged her. ‘Let’s have a play.’

  ‘A play?’

  ‘Yup. These are toys.’

  ‘Toys?’

  ‘Sex toys.’

  ‘Sex toys?’

  ‘Uh-huh. When I was staying with Myles the other night, I stumbled over this catalogue he had. I was intrigued, so I went shopping.’

  ‘Myles owns sex toys?’

  Alex burst out laughing. ‘I’m not sure whether he actually owns any, but he appears to like reading a sex toys mail order catalogue at bedtime.’

  ‘And you know this how?’

  ‘I found the catalogue in his bed.’

  Casey shook her head, now completely befuddled. ‘What were you doing in his bed?’

  Alex sighed and waved his hand in an impatient gesture. ‘Does it really matter? He fell asleep on the sofa and ended up snoring really badly. So I went to sleep in his bed. That’s where I found the catalogue. And then the idea hit me.’

  ‘What idea?’

  ‘That we could have some fun with—with some toys.’

  Casey examined the objects before her in light of this new information. Pieces clicked into place rapidly, and she erupted in laughter.

  ‘You bought a truck load of vibrators?’

  ‘Not just vibrators. There’s all sorts here.’

  Casey picked up a pink rubber ball and examined it carefully. It had some kind of rim on one side, and she squeezed it experimentally. ‘What’s this?’

  Alex consulted a piece of paper. ‘It’s a nipple sucker.’

  ‘A nipple sucker?’

  ‘Yup. You use it to have your nipples sucked.’ Alex took the ball out of her hands and held it against his fully-clothed chest, squeezing it hard all the while. ‘Like so. Only naked, of course.’

  Casey laughed so hard that she thought she would pee herself. Alex looked slightly hurt.

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  Casey hiccupped. ‘Do people really use these?’

  ‘I assure you they do,’ Alex replied. Casey could see him bite his bottom lip, and suddenly his face lit up with mirth. At last, he, too, saw the funny side.

  ‘This is a bestseller, I’ll have you know,’ he went on. ‘As is this one here.’

  He set down the pink nipple sucker and picked up a pair of jingly silver balls.

  ‘What are they? Earrings?’ Casey giggled.

  ‘No!’ Alex wiped a tear from his eye. ‘They’re pleasure balls.’

  ‘They are?’

  ‘Uh-huh. For those hard-to-reach places.’

  ‘Ah. Those! I see.’ Casey didn’t ‘see’ at all, so she rolled the silver balls experimentally around the palm of her hands. Then insight struck.

  ‘Oh my gosh!’ She had a mental image of how to use the balls, and she began to hyperventilate.

  Alex nudged her affectionately. ‘See, you’re already breathing heavily, and you haven’t even tried them yet.’

  Casey shook her head. She wasn’t a prude, not by a long shot, and she wasn’t above trying things, but this was too bizarre.

  ‘I feel incredibly dumb,’ she confessed. ‘I must have led a very sheltered life up to now.’

  ‘Ah, see, this is only the beginning,’ Alex teased. ‘What do you make of this baby?’ He waved a purple double wand at her.

  ‘It’s a vibrator, Jim, but not as we know it,’ Casey intoned.

  ‘You’re right! It’s a rabbit vibrator.’

  Casey took a closer look. Sure enough, the smaller wand-like protuberance was shaped like a rabbit, complete with face and standy-uppy ears. Then she caught sight of another unusual-sized pleasure wand. ‘If this one’s a rabbit, is that one a candelabra?’

  Alex picked up the three-pronged vibrator, which, bizarrely, was a faint shade of teal. He scrutinised the packaging and read out loud to Casey, adopting a sleazy salesman’s voice: ‘This fine piece of equipment is for double penetration with simultaneous clit stimulation.’

  ‘You—are—kidding me!’ Casey wasn’t sure whether to feel intrigued or horrified.

  Alex held the candelabra wand right side up and made suggestive pushing motions. ‘I kid you not.’

  ‘I—I don’t know what to say. It looks like an implement for a gynaecological procedure. A torturous one. Of Victorian times.’ Casey snorted with amusement and shook her head at the same time. ‘Honestly, the things people come up with. But what about for you? Did you buy some toys for yourself?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Alex burbled. ‘Take a look at these vibrating nipple massagers…’

  He picked up a small lozenge-shaped plastic object and pressed a concealed button. Instantly the toy lit up and started vibrating, jumping up and down on the palm of his hand like a possessed bean.

  Casey laughed out loud. ‘Does it… You know, attach?’

  ‘So I’m told. And look, I’ve got some rings, like this one…’ Alex set down the vibrating massager and picked up a black, diamond-studded rubber ring.

  ‘That looks painful,’ Casey observed.

  ‘Oh, but it prolongs the experience. It stops Mr Happy from taking a snooze at an inopportune moment. That’s the theory, at least.’

  ‘Wow. It looks painful, and it sounds painful. Would you really give that a try?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Really, truly?’ Casey couldn’t keep the doubt out of her voice. ‘I know we’re a bit desperate, but are we this desperate?’

  Alex sat up straighter, grasped her hands, and looked deeply into her eyes. ‘This isn’t about making love,’ he said seriously. ‘I only wanted us to have some fun. Whether or not it leads anywhere, I don’t care. I wish we could be at ease with each other again.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Of course.’ Casey felt inadequate. Kinky though it was, he had obviously put a lot of thought into this. Trouble was, she didn’t know whether she could go along with it. She had actually owned a vibrator in the days before Alex, but it had been a harmless smooth, pink affair that looked more like a hand-held blender than a sex toy. All of this extreme stuff—it wasn’t her. Or maybe it wasn’t for her. That thought made her feel even more deficient in the sexiness department. She bit down hard on her lip to stop herself from crying.

  Alex’s eyes clouded over with concern. ‘Casey, love, what’s the matter?’

  ‘I—I’m—I feel so inadequate,’ Casey stuttered. ‘It’s all my fault.’

  ~Alex~

  Inadequate. The word registered in his brain and ricocheted around like a loose bullet. S
o he wasn’t the only one who felt inadequate. Alas, his plan wasn’t exactly going as envisaged. He had obviously overwhelmed Casey. In truth, he was a bit dubious about some of these implements himself. They probably gave a lot of pleasure, but were they really the answer to his and Casey’s problems?

  Suddenly his great idea didn’t seem so great anymore. Alex cast around for an escape route, a way out. He didn’t want this evening to turn into a disaster. Damn him and his stupid thoughts. He looked with dismay at the assorted wands, balls, eggs, rings, and other accoutrements of joy. And then he had it.

  ‘When I said, let’s have some fun, I meant fun. Not fun-fun. Just real honest fun. A laugh.’ He jumped up with alacrity. ‘First up, we need more booze. Bear with.’

  He raced out to the kitchen and returned as quickly as he could with another bottle of red and two fresh glasses. He poured two generous helpings and held his glass up for Casey to clink.

  ‘Cheers.’

  ‘Cheers.’ Casey followed his lead, but she looked confused. Alex didn’t give her time to ask. He put down his glass and swept up all the wands he could carry: single-pronged, two-pronged, three-pronged, and otherwise. With great care, he set up his motley collection of vibrators in a triangle pattern on the floor on the other side of the lounge.

  ‘What on earth are you doing?’

  Alex returned to the table and picked up one of the eggs. He yanked hard to detach its control unit until he had only the egg in his hand. He threw it in the air and caught it again.

  ‘Bowling,’ he said. ‘You like bowling, right?’

  ‘Yeah, and?’

  ‘Let’s roll.’ He threw the egg in the air once more, caught it, and motioned towards his arrangement of upstanding pleasure wands. When Casey still didn’t get it, he lined himself up, took aim, and hurled the egg across the floor such that it hit the target.

  ‘Score!’

  Casey erupted into explosive laughter. ‘You want to play dildo bowling?’

  ‘You got it.’

  Casey laughed harder still. ‘Now that I can do. Move over, champ, and prepare to get beaten.’