7 Years Bad Sex

by Nicky Wells

  Casey grinned back. ‘I like the promise of it!’

  ‘It’s more than a promise. It’s a guarantee, remember?’

  ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ Casey intoned in a witch’s voice. ‘Who knows what other curse you may bring on yourself?’

  Alex guffawed loudly. ‘Excellent.’ He kissed Casey once more, and she could feel his arousal against her thigh.

  ‘Someone’s home already,’ she chuckled softly.

  ‘Told you I’m a stallion,’ Alex growled. ‘And you’re killing me here.’

  ‘Am I?’ Suddenly Casey was overcome by mischief. Now was the time, right here. Why wait? Why risk everything dissipating again? So what if they were in a random room with an unlocked door. Big deal. Liza and Myles had disappeared to the green room, and they were bound to be otherwise preoccupied—most probably with the buffet. Nobody knew where she and Alex had gone. They had a few minutes. And a few minutes was all they needed.

  With reckless abandon, she dug her hands deeply into the back pockets of Alex’s jeans and pressed him hard against her. She heard Alex gasp, but she quietened him with a kiss before he could speak again. He got her meaning.

  Ferociously kissing her in return, Alex lifted her off her feet and sat her down on a nearby table. Casey moaned when he broke their delicious kiss to tilt her backwards until she was lying down, almost spread-eagled, on the table top.

  ‘I was enjoying that,’ she protested.

  ~Alex~

  ‘You’ll enjoy this a whole lot more,’ Alex promised with a suggestive smile. Deftly he unbuttoned her shirt and dedicated his mouth to ‘the girls’. He inhaled her sweet scent, and his universe became fuzzy. Yes! So good!

  As though from far away, he watched Casey’s hands fumbling impatiently with the fly of his jeans. He stood very still so as not to make her job more difficult.

  ‘Why, hello,’ Casey murmured seductively when she had set him free. ‘Do you come here often?’

  ‘I’ll do my best,’ Alex replied hoarsely. He was panting heavily. His jeans slid off of his hips and fell to his ankles. He tugged impatiently at Casey’s trousers, and she obligingly wriggled and squirmed until she, too, was free.

  Alex bent forward to kiss her again. He entwined a hand in her hair and pinned her head down. Casey arched her hips, and he could hear her take a deep breath. He was dizzy with the urgency of his need, and he thought he would expire when he finally joined her.

  ‘Hmmmmm,’ Casey moaned softly, matching the exact rhythm of his movements. She wrapped her legs around his waist and forced him tightly to her. Overwhelmed, Alex closed his eyes. Lights danced behind his lids, and blood roared in his ears. He was so close, so close!

  Dimly, he was aware of a commotion in the corridor outside. Voices and laughter became louder, rushed by, and grew fainter again. Casey never stopped moving, and Alex thought he had probably imagined the whole thing, until—

  ‘Perfect! You can set up in here for the interview.’

  Without warning, the lights flicked on fully, and an explosion of sound filled the room. Alex opened his eyes, squinting in the sudden glare. He stared, aghast, as Emily stepped through the doorway, followed closely by a burly man holding a TV camera and a tall blonde woman with a microphone.

  Alex stood frozen, unable to move, unable to speak. He was very much joined to Casey, naked from the waist down, and displaying his buttocks and more for all to see. The embarrassment nearly killed him. For a microsecond, the world stood still.

  ‘Oh my gosh!’ White as a sheet, Emily, at last, turned around, holding a hand in front of the camera and trying to force its bearer out of the room. However, the man merely lifted his camera above Emily’s reach. A faint voice in Alex’s head suggested to move, to get up, to protect his dignity and Casey’s, but his body didn’t obey the command—quite apart from which, Casey’s legs were holding him fast in place.

  The blonde woman began talking rapidly into her microphone. ‘And here we get a real insight into the uninhibited backstage habits of the singer and drummer of up-and-coming rock band, Blue Heart. It seems that the rock industry’s most recently married couple very much lives up to—’

  ‘Arrrgh!’ Emily howled with rage and threw herself bodily against the presenter, toppling her backwards against the cameraman. ‘Out, out, OUT!’ She hit the light switch and plunged the room in complete darkness. An undignified scuffle ensued while the TV crew attempted to get more footage regardless.

  ‘Security,’ Emily yelled. ‘Get this lot out of here!’ Suddenly the door slammed shut, and Casey and Alex were on their own again. The whole interlude hadn’t taken more than ten seconds, and yet it seemed a lifetime.

  Alex’s body sagged at the same time as Casey finally managed to sit up. Alex gathered her in an awkward embrace and buried his head in her shoulder.

  ‘Did this really just happen?’ he mumbled.

  Casey trembled all over.

  ‘I’m afraid so,’ she replied. ‘I’m mortified.’

  ‘Caught in the act properly,’ Alex muttered. ‘Although this is worse than the builders. We’ll never live this down. We should be wary of those impulses of yours.’

  ‘Mine?’ Casey was indignant. ‘It takes two to tango.’

  ‘Yeah. I suppose so.’ Alex decided not to apportion blame for their mishap. He focused on more urgent matters at hand. ‘Emily will slay us.’

  Casey emitted a sharp snort of laughter. ‘And Myles will love it.’

  Alex bent down to pull up his trousers and sat down next to Casey on the table. Casey shrugged her shirt and jeans back on. ‘Why is it that women are always so much more exposed than men?’ she pondered out loud. ‘You were only half naked. I was, like, totally out there.’

  Alex grunted. ‘Considering our respective positions, I’m sure the world got a better view of my private parts than yours,’ he surmised.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ Casey asked. ‘We can’t stay in here forever.’

  ‘Suppose not,’ Alex agreed. ‘However, I have a feeling that Emily will come and get us when the time is right.’

  ‘And give us a serious telling off.’

  ‘Yeah. That too.’

  They sat in the dark silence for a moment. Alex snaked an arm around Casey’s shoulder, and Casey leaned into him. Out of the blue, she burst with laughter.

  ‘What’s so funny?’

  Casey cracked up completely. ‘Don’t you see? We’re the couple who can’t make love, yet we’re caught on camera doing just that. How’s that for irony?’

  ‘Pretty good.’ Alex reluctantly joined in her laughter.

  After another few minutes, Casey hopped off the table. ‘Do you know what?’ she started. ‘I think we should go out there like nothing happened. Hand in hand and heads held high.’

  ‘Really?’ Alex was doubtful.

  ‘Really. We’re not going to make this go away, so we might as well face the music. It’s all about how we play it. I say we play it cool.’

  ‘Tricky.’

  ‘Sure. But we can pull it off. C’mon.’ She tugged at Alex’s hand.

  Alex sighed. ‘Okay. But let me go first.’

  He fumbled his way in the dark until he found the door. Cautiously he opened it and peeked out. The corridor was deserted.

  ‘Coast is clear,’ he announced. ‘Let’s go.’

  ‘Alex.’ Casey held him back for an instant.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You know I—I—that was really great before—before the door opened. I can’t believe we got interrupted when we were doing so well.’

  ‘It’s our specialty,’ Alex grinned. ‘Maybe we’ll finish up later.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘But first, let’s go see if Emily will forgive us.’

  ‘All right.’

  The green room was full of people, including Myles, Liza, and Emily, but no TV crew. Emily saw them enter and rushed over to meet them.

  ‘Guys, are you okay?’ she whispered.


  ‘Err—yeah,’ Alex replied tentatively on both their behalf.

  ‘I get that you’re horny,’ Emily continued. ‘But why didn’t you lock the bloody door? I’ve had to threaten that TV crew with an injunction if they show the footage, and I’m in all sorts of hot water.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Casey offered, looking contrite. ‘It just—it came over us.’

  ‘Hm, yeah. That was pretty obvious.’ Emily grinned. ‘But we’ll use it to our advantage.’

  ‘We will?’

  ‘There’s no such thing as bad publicity,’ Emily reminded Alex. ‘I’ve agreed that I wouldn’t take action against a soft-focus, not-too-indecent still with a suitable caption as long as I can see it first, and as long as I get written agreement that no other footage will ever be released. We can spin this. You’re still in your honeymoon period after all.’

  Alex and Casey stared at each other.

  ‘Wow.’ Casey grinned. ‘You’re amazing.’

  Emily gave a little bow. ‘You might not think so when you see the image. It might not be entirely flattering, but it will cause a massive stir, and I’ll wring the “aw” factor for all its worth. We’ll sell albums off the back of this, but you’ll have to live with that image forever. You’ve been warned.’

  ‘We’ll be fine,’ Alex offered loftily before Casey could object. ‘We trust you.’

  ‘You’d better. And don’t ever pull a stunt like this again.’ Emily glowered at them.

  Alex hung his head. ‘Yes, ma’am.’

  Emily laughed. ‘You charmer, you. Right, let’s get on. We’ve yet to do a TV interview—yes, with that crew, deal with it. After that, there’s the party at the hotel, and I had word from at least two national papers that their showbiz editors are gagging for interviews, so best behaviour until those are done, please. Limos will be outside in half an hour.’

  ‘No rest for the wicked, then.’ Myles had sidled up to their group, and he was in a grumbly mood. Apparently he was still oblivious of Alex and Casey’s backstage antics.

  ‘It’s what you signed up for,’ Emily reminded him crisply. ‘You can get bladdered later. The night’s still young. But please make sure you keep that out of the papers.’

  ‘Yes, miss.’ Myles gave a salute.

  Casey looked at Alex ruefully. ‘We’ll never finish it tonight,’ she whispered.

  ‘We might.’ Alex was unconcerned. ‘As Emily says, the night’s still young.’

  However, one excruciatingly embarrassing TV interview, three journalist interviews, one photo shoot, four hours, and several drinks too many later, Casey and Alex returned home and collapsed into their bed, very much together but definitely not romantically active.

  ~Casey~

  The next morning, Casey was woken by Alex snuggling into her back. His arms snaked around her, and his hands started caressing her breasts.

  ‘Morning, sleepyhead,’ Alex breathed. ‘Stallion at your service.’

  Casey didn’t respond immediately. She was enjoying the sensation of being stroked, and Alex was awakening erogenous zones that had been lying dormant for far too long. He was definitely in the mood for love.

  ‘Mmmmh,’ she finally moaned. ‘You’re good!’

  By way of response, Alex rolled her on her back and gently lay on top of her. He stroked her face, tracing the curve of her cheeks right down her neck and to the dip at the base of her throat. Then he kissed his way all the way back again until his lips connected with hers. Casey felt dizzy with excitement. This was the best they had done for months. She surrendered herself to the flow, banishing any thoughts of the outcome until Alex drew back.

  ‘Shall I take one of these?’ he asked, brandishing a blister pack of pills.

  Casey rubbed her forehead. ‘Do you think you need to? You feel pretty ready to me.’

  ‘I’d rather be safe than sorry.’

  ‘So take one. Doctor’s orders, after all.’

  ‘Too right.’

  Alex pressed one of the precious pills out of the pack and swallowed it down with some water. ‘Now we’re good to go.’

  ‘No rush.’

  ‘We’ve got all the time in the world today. No worries.’

  He bent his head to Casey’s face and kissed her again, more deeply and more forcefully than before. Fireworks exploded behind Casey’s eyes, and her sweet spot danced with joy, ready to oblige at any moment. And yet, out of the blue, a question popped into Casey’s head.

  ‘How does it feel?’

  Alex merely groaned in response.

  ‘I mean, does it feel any different? Than, you know, without any assistance?’

  ‘Now’s—not—the—time—to talk,’ Alex grunted. He shifted his body to get into the right position, and Casey lifted her hips to meet him.

  Her mouth opened again with another question on her lips, but this time Casey overrode the urge. She bit down so hard that she caught her tongue between her teeth, and she could taste blood in her mouth.

  Meanwhile, Alex was seeking leverage, but for some reason, he kept slipping and sliding. Ignoring her discomfort and the vile taste of blood in her mouth, Casey adjusted her own position time and again, but it was as though physics was against them.

  ‘Slightly—out-of—practice—I think,’ Alex muttered in between attempted thrusts. Casey didn’t reply. Instead, she stroked his chest and tweaked his nipples to keep his arousal on the boil.

  Her mind, however, detached from the act. She didn’t mean for that to happen, but she couldn’t stop it. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her alarm clock, and she calculated that they had been in the throes of romance for the better part of an hour. There’s foreplay, and there’s too much foreplay, she thought. And I’m kinda foreplayed out here.

  For a brief moment, she had an almost out-of-body experience as she imagined watching herself and Alex, all razzed up but once again foiled in the act. For no particular reason, they simply couldn’t make it happen. And it was quite funny, at a rational level, seeing themselves labour on.

  Alex grunted and snorted on top of her, and Casey snapped to. She gazed in dismay as a tear appeared in the corner of Alex’s eye, detached itself, and slowly rolled down his cheek. Her heart threatened to break for him when unexpectedly Alex roared with laughter.

  He sat back on his haunches, threw back his head and laughed. And he laughed and he laughed. More tears rolled down his cheeks; his whole body shook, and still he laughed.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he finally gasped. ‘Casey, I’m really sorry. I had this out-of-body vision of us, and we are so funny!’

  ‘You too?’ Casey chortled. ‘I saw the same thing.’

  Alex shook his head, trying to calm himself down. ‘It’s quite absurd, really. I’m so sorry. I really thought it was going to happen.’

  ‘Me too,’ Casey hooted. Her body brimmed with mirth.

  ‘We were so close.’ Alex positively howled with laughter.

  ‘I know!’

  ‘And still—it didn’t—happen!’

  ‘Tell me about it!’

  Casey sat up too, and she clutched onto Alex for support as they guffawed together.

  ‘But look, Mr Happy is still very much happy!’

  ‘I noticed.’ Casey stroked Alex’s arousal playfully. ‘What are we going to do about him?’

  ‘No idea,’ Alex chortled. ‘Absolutely bloody no idea. But man, look, he’s indestructible.’

  ‘Want me to—?’ Casey made a suggestive gesture.

  ‘Nah. Thanks all the same, but no. He’s—he’s—I think he’s overextended himself. He’s so excited, he’s gone beyond the point of action.’

  ‘He’s catatonic.’

  ‘Possibly apoplectic.’

  ‘Totally paralytic.’

  Casey drew breath. ‘What a load of big words. We should play scrabble, we’re on fire here.’

  ‘Great idea,’ Alex enthused. ‘Let’s see who can get the most naughty words in!’

  ‘Are you serious?

 
; ‘Why, yes. I’ve got to do something to—to detumesce.’

  ‘There’s another potential high score right there,’ Casey sniggered. ‘Go on then, I challenge you. But how’s about we have some breakfast at the same time? I’m starving.’

  ‘Deal. You put on the bacon, and I’ll set up the board.’

  So Casey and Alex ended up playing scrabble over breakfast in their dressing gowns. When they had finished, amid much tittering over the words they put down—some official, and some very highly entertaining but totally unofficial—Alex was still engorged.

  They tidied the kitchen and discussed dinner plans. They even braved the social media world to assess the fallout from last night’s debacle. The TV interview was great and portrayed no hint of the embarrassment that had gone before it. The unplanned photo of their tête-à-tête wasn’t great, but it was causing a wave of tweets and comments, and, as Emily had said, they would simply have to live with it.

  And through all this, Alex remained engorged.

  ‘No improvement at all?’ Casey probed with her voice as she turned off her tablet, not daring to look or touch for fear of making it worse.

  ‘None at all,’ Alex confirmed. ‘It really is a miracle.’

  ‘Whatever could we do next to get you un-excited?’ Casey pondered.

  ‘I know!’ Alex smacked his forehead. ‘We’ve been putting it off and putting it off, but how’s about… tax returns?’

  ‘What, now?’

  ‘Why not? What else am I going to do? I can hardly go out like this, can I?’

  At this, Casey couldn’t resist a sneaky peek.

  ‘Probably not,’ she concurred. ‘But tax returns? That’s a bit extreme.’

  ‘Extreme circumstances call for extreme measures. Just think how smug we’ll feel when they’re done.’

  Casey sighed. How did they get from the promise of hot romance into tax return hell?

  ‘There’s a moral in here somewhere,’ she mumbled, ‘but I’ll be damned if I can see it. Still, you’re right. Needs must. Let’s do it.’

  By the end of the day, their tax returns were done, the house was tidy, and Alex was back to normal.

  ‘There’s a turn up for the books,’ he joked over a glass of wine.