7 Years Bad Sex

by Nicky Wells

  ‘That was quite extraordinary,’ Casey finally remarked.

  The vicar smiled widely. ‘You came at the right time of day for this spectacle to happen and Mark—the organist—likes to enhance the drama if he can. Many couples come and get married here in hopes of capturing this moment, but it doesn’t always work out. It lasts only for a few minutes, and it’s considered extremely good luck to have been blessed by the lights of St Mary’s by the Sea.

  ‘We need all the luck we can get,’ Casey whispered. ‘This—Thank you. This means a lot.’

  The vicar inclined his head. ‘So I understand. I hope it does help. You do realise that I didn’t perform a legal ceremony here today? There’s no signing of the registers as you’re already married. But Alex explained to me the importance of… of re-enacting your vows, and I couldn’t decline his wish.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Alex chimed in. ‘We appreciate it. This was everything I’d hoped for and more. I… I feel moved. There was something here today that… that perhaps was missing on our wedding day.’

  ‘I agree,’ Casey offered immediately. ‘Maybe it’s being in a church, or perhaps it’s because these vows were private, just between us? I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but I’m so very glad that you gave us this opportunity.’

  ‘You’re very welcome,’ the vicar assured her. ‘I hope it brings you everything you wish for.’

  Alex coughed. ‘Do we—what do we owe you? There is normally a charge for the wedding, right?’

  ‘There is indeed.’ The vicar spoke softly. ‘But there was no service being performed here today. I had a private conversation with two people who needed my help. There is no charge.’ He winked. ‘I know He will approve.’

  ‘Thank you so much,’ Casey gushed. ‘I don’t know what else to say.’

  ‘You don’t need to say anything else,’ the vicar replied. ‘Simply go and live a happy life. Oh, and drop by sometime if you’re back in these parts.’

  ‘We certainly will,’ Alex promised.

  And they said their goodbyes. The vicar withdrew to the vestry, and Alex led his re-avowed wife back down the aisle. Just before they reached the door, Casey stopped him.

  ‘Look.’ She pointed at an arrangement of prayer candles by the baptismal font. ‘Let’s light one and leave a donation.’

  ‘Great idea.’ Alex immediately understood. ‘Let’s light two and leave a double donation.’

  He watched while Casey lit two candles and whispered some words that he couldn’t quite make out. When she was done, he retrieved a few notes from his wallet and placed them gently in the donations box. He wasn’t given to praying, but he found himself fervently hoping that their marriage would be given a fresh start.

  ~Casey~

  ‘I can’t believe you organised this.’ Casey smiled and clutched her bouquet as they emerged from the church into the bright sunlight. ‘This was truly something else. I’ll treasure this forever, no matter what happens.’

  ‘Me too,’ Alex replied. ‘But let’s not get our hopes up sky high. I simply wanted to… let’s say, “refresh” our vows, and you know what? They meant more this time round, even though it wasn’t the real thing.’

  Casey giggled. ‘That thing about the sexual togetherness? Was that in the vows last time?’

  ‘You picked up on that too?’ Alex grinned. ‘I don’t remember it. Maybe we were conned. Maybe we weren’t properly married before. Maybe that’s where everything went wrong.’

  Casey crinkled her brow. ‘That would be too easy. As you said, let’s not get our hopes up again. But it was a wonderful thing to do, just you and me. Thank you, again.’ She hugged Alex tightly and was pleased when he encircled her in his arms in return. This was properly getting married.

  ‘What’s next?’ she asked after a moment.

  Alex pointed towards a cluster of houses just visible at the far point of the bay. ‘That’s Tregarren. I’m told it’s not too far from here, maybe another forty-five minute walk. There’s a pub waiting for us there. What do you think? Or we can go back to the cottage?’

  ‘It’s a beautiful day,’ Casey thought out loud. ‘And I just got married for the second time. Let’s walk and have a celebratory lunch. Lead on, husband, lead the way.’

  They chatted as they walked, enjoying the late autumn sunshine and the play of the seagulls above them.

  ‘Do you know,’ Casey remarked after a while. ‘Lately I’ve thought seagulls gave mournful cries, but today they seem to be happy.’

  ‘They’re celebrating with us,’ Alex suggested. ‘But I know what you mean. It’s a perfect afternoon. Although I’m jolly starving.’

  ‘We must be nearly there,’ Casey replied. ‘Do you know where to find the pub?’

  ‘No idea, but it’s supposed to be obvious. Tregarren is only a little place. I suggest we hit the main street and see where it takes us.’

  Sure enough, a half hour later they were happily installed at a table at the Mermaid Inn with a Stargazy pie and a large glass of wine each.

  Casey felt a bit dubious about the heads and tails of the pilchards sticking out of the crust, but it was a traditional Cornish dish, and the landlady had said it was phenomenal.

  ‘Do we eat these?’ Casey asked Alex, prodding one of the baked fish heads lightly with her fork.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Alex responded. ‘I suppose so. But leave them if you don’t like them. It’s the crust and the filling that are meant to be spectacular.’

  ‘At least they’re cooked,’ Casey chuckled.

  ‘Unlike oysters, you mean?’ Alex laughed too. ‘Gosh, I don’t know what possessed me to eat so many of them all at once.’

  ‘Do you think… are we going to…’ Casey couldn’t finish her question.

  ‘Try later?’ Alex knew what she was thinking. ‘I jolly well hope so.’

  ‘Do you think that’s wise?’ Casey speared a chunk of Stargazy pie and chewed thoughtfully. ‘This is really good, by the way.’

  Alex tried some too. ‘It is,’ he agreed. ‘And I don’t know if it’s wise, but I’d love to… have a go. No pressure. You know? Only try.’

  ‘Like James told us?’ Casey mused. ‘Only hold each other and see where it takes us?’

  ‘Exactly. No strings.’

  Casey swallowed. ‘Okay. But I’m a little worried.’

  ‘Me too.’ Alex nodded, and Casey noted that his eyes seemed darker somehow. ‘But we can’t let that get in the way.’

  ‘No, we can’t. But—’ Casey interrupted herself.

  ‘But what?’

  ‘But nothing.’ Casey couldn’t get herself to admit that a blanket of dark fear had wrapped itself around her, and that the day didn’t seem as bright and carefree as it had before. Now that they had agreed to try, she would be able to think of nothing else until they had done it—or not done it. And it would be difficult to go through the motions of a happy afternoon with that weight on her shoulders.

  Alex, however, seemed unconcerned, and Casey couldn’t tell him the truth. It was bad enough if one of them fretted. If she got Alex worked up too, it would never work.

  So she ate her pie, made conversation, and tried to laugh and joke at all the right moments. She would do her utmost, but she dreaded to think what would go wrong this time.

  Chapter Fourteen:

  To Square One and Beyond

  ~Alex~

  What could possibly go wrong this time? Alex reasoned with himself. Absolutely nothing at all. It was bound to work tonight. It had to.

  He knew Casey was worried even though he didn’t let on. Ever since they had discussed trying to make love, she had been tense and a little distant. He wasn’t sure whether she was put off by the act itself or whether she was worried about failing again, but she wasn’t emitting terribly enthusiastic signals to him.

  That was fine. He understood. But as he had said to Casey, he felt that they couldn’t give in to worries and dark thoughts, and so it was a case of try and try again.

/>   When they got back to the cottage, he ran a warm bubble bath for the both of them in the enormous spa tub. He was glad it was downstairs; at least they wouldn’t have to worry about going through the floor again.

  Feeling excited and romantic, he lit dozens of little candles and submerged himself in the fragrant bubbles opposite a surprised Casey.

  After a moment’s stunned silence, she burst out laughing. ‘Are you going metro on me?’

  ‘Not at all.’ He pretended to be hurt. ‘Why wouldn’t a bloke be allowed a bubble bath?’

  ‘Because’—Casey picked up the bottle of bath foam—‘coming away smelling of roses and jasmine isn’t exactly a manly scent?’

  Alex shrugged. ‘True. But I like it. Besides, who’s to know apart from me and my wife? And she doesn’t care.’

  ‘She doesn’t?’

  ‘Not at all. Also…’ Alex stood up, dripping warm water and bubbles all over the place. He did an awkward one-legged hop-slide until he had manoeuvred himself into a sitting position behind Casey. ‘Also, my wife is rather partial to a bit of underwater massage, and I never got to finish it last time we tried.’ He draped his arms around her and started caressing her breasts, nibbling her ear at the same time.

  Casey moaned softly. ‘Is she now?’

  ‘She certainly is.’ Alex let his hand drift to lower sensitive places. He could feel Casey shiver in his arms. ‘I hope these are goosebumps of pleasure?’

  ‘Mmmmmh-mmmmh,’ Casey breathed. ‘Lovely.’

  ‘I thought so.’ Alex smiled to himself and let his hands do the talking.

  After a while, the water grew cold, and they exchanged the soapy bubbles for drinkable ones. Wrapped in fluffy dressing gowns and not much else, they reclined on their four-poster bed and quaffed champagne, nibbling at each other while watching the sun drop into the sea and setting the sky on fire.

  Casey was definitely responding to his advances. She looked flushed and bright-eyed, her previous worries clearly forgotten. As for Alex, he was very much in the zone. He was ready for action, but in no rush. Things were going well, and he was enjoying himself.

  Gradually the light faded, and the cottage dipped into darkness. It was romantic and exciting to rely entirely on touch and sound. Every sensation seemed amplified, and he wondered why they had never tried blindfolding each other before.

  He rolled on top of Casey and kissed her deeply. The heat rising from her body nearly sent him over the edge, and suddenly he could hold back no more. Gently but firmly, he joined his wife as man and wife should, and she rewarded him with a drawn-out sigh of pleasure. Her arms encircled his waist and her hands clamped onto his butt, pulling him, telling him to increase the rhythm.

  He was only too happy to oblige, and their love-making became urgent and frantic. Alex thought his heart would pop through his chest, but this time, it was entirely driven by natural hormones, not by chemicals or herbs. Time and space became irrelevant as he lay with his wife, and his spirits soared. At last! At last!

  Sometime later—he didn’t know how long, but it felt like an eternity—he needed to pause for breath. Casey had flagged too; her movements had become slower, less forceful, like she was running out of steam. He lay still and rested his head on the pillow next to her.

  ‘That’s nice,’ she whispered, catching her breath. ‘I like that.’

  ‘You do? What do you mean?’

  ‘This.’ She turned her head and kissed him gently. ‘Lying together. Joined. Not moving.’

  ‘You like that?’ Alex was surprised.

  ‘Yeah. It’s… you know. Less frantic. More… more tantric.’

  ‘Wow.’ Alex swallowed. He hadn’t expected this. He had always thought success was all about speed and power. ‘Did you… have you… you know?’

  ‘Not yet,’ Casey confessed after a small hesitation. ‘But I’ve enjoyed myself very much. How about you?’

  ‘‘fraid not.’ Alex sighed. ‘I was close though.’

  ‘Never mind.’ Casey’s voice was soft and encouraging. ‘Stay as you are for a while. Just… just hold me. Don’t leave. This is good.’

  ‘But how will we finish it?’

  ‘Dunno. But they say tantric sex is the best. Apparently you move very slowly or not at all, and then you suddenly… get there.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘So they say.’

  ‘Hm.’ Alex wasn’t convinced. But he was tired out, even though he wouldn’t dare to admit it, and the whole lying-together thing wasn’t bad in itself. If Casey liked it, he could definitely go with it. He drew in a breath and blew it out slowly. ‘Okay.’

  ‘Breathing is good,’ Casey remarked. ‘We should breathe together.’

  Alex stifled a chuckle. ‘You’ll get us hypnotised again like James did.’

  ‘Hey, there’s an idea. Maybe one day James could hypnotise us and get us to make love.’

  ‘Only we wouldn’t know about it, and he’d have to watch us and tell us whether it worked.’

  ‘Ah. Good point,’ Casey agreed. ‘That would be kind of kinky.’

  Alex snuggled his head more tightly against her shoulder. ‘Are we still doing that lying-still thing?’

  ‘Oh yes. Don’t you think it’s great?’

  She did something with her muscles, and Alex groaned with surprise. ‘What was that?’

  ‘That was me saying hello to you.’

  ‘Can you do that again?’ Alex rather enjoyed the sensation.

  ‘What, that?’

  He couldn’t see her, but he could have sworn that she grinned as she did that muscle thing again.

  ‘Oh yeah, that. I didn’t know you could do that.’

  ‘Neither did I. We’re normally too busy to pay attention to the finer details.’

  They lay quietly for a while, barely moving. Alex had to agree, there was something in it. His heart rate had slowed down, but he was somehow more aware of his body than he had ever been before. It was sensational in a low-key kind of way.

  ‘How long does it take to have tantric sex?’ he whispered at length.

  Casey stretched gently beneath him. ‘Oh, hours, I think.’

  ‘Hours?’

  ‘Hours.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘And you still want to do this?’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Sure. It’s good.’

  ‘It’s different.’

  ‘That too.’

  ‘Do that thing again?’

  Casey obliged, and Alex tried a little muscle dancing of his own. Judging by Casey’s surprised gasp, it had the desired effect. ‘Two can play that game,’ he breathed and held her a little bit tighter.

  Little by little the stillness calmed his mind. The darkness within the cottage pulled at his consciousness. His eyelids were getting heavier and heavier until he thought he would rest his eyes for a moment. It was so dark that it didn’t make a difference whether they were open or not. And it was such a relief to close them!

  His body felt heavy and relaxed, but he was still very much joined to Casey. It was the most extraordinary thing.

  Outside, the wind had picked up, and he could hear the surf crashing against the rocks beneath the cottage. It was a rhythmic sound like a giant’s breathing. He felt cocooned inside his warm love nest. Perhaps that was how a baby felt in the womb. Really, he was coming up with the most unusual thoughts. He sighed with deep contentment.

  ~Casey~

  ‘Did we actually do it last night?’

  Casey was woken by Alex’s urgent question, and she rubbed her eyes wearily.

  ‘Um—I don’t know.’

  ‘Oh my gosh!’ Alex wailed. ‘We fell asleep on the job. Literally.’

  ‘We did?’ Casey was struggling to wake up properly. Right at that moment, she didn’t really care whether they had ‘done it’ or not. She felt fabulous. Rested, contented, and very relaxed.

  ‘We must have done. I don’t remember getting to the finish. You don’t remember it either? So we didn�
��t make it. We can’t have done.’

  Alex sat up in agitation, letting a cold draft under the duvet as he did.

  ‘Oi!’ Casey pulled the covers up to her chin. ‘I’m naked under here, and it’s cold out there.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Alex didn’t sound sorry at all. ‘I’m hacked off. We’re back to square one.’

  ‘We are?’

  ‘Can’t you see? All that foreplay and—and—tantricness, and what happened? We fell asleep.’

  ‘We’d had an eventful day.’

  Alex snorted. ‘We were desperate for it, we were going like rabbits, and then we flaked out again.’

  ‘I suppose we did.’ Casey wasn’t quite as bothered as Alex appeared to be. ‘But it was fabulous in its own way, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Hm. But the fact is, we still haven’t—got to the end.’ He looked at Casey as though he was willing her to contradict him.

  Casey tilted her head to one side. ‘I suppose not. But we said we wouldn’t get worked up about it.’

  ‘I know.’ Alex ran his hands through his hair. Casey noted that his eyes looked dull. His skin was sallow and pasty like he hadn’t slept for weeks.

  ‘I know,’ Alex repeated. ‘But I’m worked up about it. If we can’t do it under perfect conditions, when can we do it?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Casey replied gently.

  ‘As you said,’ Alex suddenly barked. ‘We won’t have babies that way.’

  ‘Ouch.’ That hurt. ‘What will you have me do? You have to deliver the little swimmers required for making babies.’ Take that.

  Alex stared at her like she had slapped him. ‘So it’s my fault!’

  ‘No!’ Casey sat up too. Being horizontal to Alex’s vertical stance put her at a distinct disadvantage. She couldn’t have this conversation if they were at different heights. ‘No, that’s not what I said.’

  ‘Then what did you say?’

  ‘Nothing. Alex, we promised each other not to get upset. I thought—well, I rather enjoyed last night.’

  ‘Maybe it’s different for girls. I’m frustrated to bursting. And I’m pissed off.’