Vanilla

by Guy Willard

  “I know ours wasn’t a love match from the start. Still, they say that the couples in arranged marriages often turn out to be the most loving toward each other in the end. It’s like that old saying: a man gets tired of a beauty after three days, but gets used to a homely one in three days.”

  “You are not a homely woman, Seiko, not in the least. If I were only—” He suddenly felt suffocated. Something inside of him was growing, fighting to come out. “Seiko, maybe there’s something you ought to know….”

  “I think I can guess what it’s about,” she said resolutely. “If you don’t mind, I’d rather not hear the sordid details.”

  When Fumio fell silent, Seiko, mistaking his hesitation as a confirmation of her guess, went on: “I thought as much. A woman knows things like that. Even from the very start, whenever you made love with me, your mind was someplace far away.”

  Fumio was tempted to laugh. “If only it were that simple, Seiko.”

  “I don’t understand,” she said.

  “I’ll try to explain. It isn’t the usual thing.” He couldn’t look her in the face. “I am not like other men.”

  “What do you mean?”

  After a moment of panic, he continued: “Somewhere along the way, I discovered I was different.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “I’m not normal.”

  “Are you saying you’re a homo or something?” she said jokingly.

  He didn’t answer.

  When she didn’t get the expected laugh, she repeated her question, not jokingly this time, but more like an echoing confirmation.

  Fumio nodded. “I have homosexual leanings.”

  “So what?” she said. “All men probably do. I’ve also been attracted to women at times. In high school I had a crush for a whole year on a senior girl in the tennis club.”

  “No, this isn’t like that at all.”

  He looked at her for the first time since the start of his confession, and saw that she had a defeated look on her face.

  “I believe you’re telling the truth,” she said. “This isn’t something a person lies about.”

  “I suppose not.”

  “But how did it happen?”

  “Happen? It isn’t something that ‘happens,’ Seiko. Rather, it’s a gradual process of self-awareness. I was a normal boy in middle school, and all through high school. That is, I thought I was. But when I came to Tokyo, things seemed to change inside of me. Maybe it was all the freedom, and being away from home for the first time. But for some reason, I started getting curious about the homosexual world. It all started from a chance thing….”

  Seiko’s eyes were glowing in the dark, but there was no revulsion in them. A part of Fumio even felt a little disappointed at her lack of a more impassioned response.

  “I didn’t feel homosexual,” he went on. “I thought I was just playing around. But before I knew it, I was hooked. No, I take it back. I guess I was acting on my true instincts all along when I became curious about that world. After all, plenty of normal men never become as fascinated by it as I was.”

  Seiko was listening intently, interested. “I always thought homos were obvious. You know, you can tell by the way they walk and talk just like women. But you’re so normal.”

  “Some homos act womanish, like the ones you see on TV all the time. But that type represents only a small percentage of them. Most look quite normal. And because here in Japan they have to hide their true identities, many of them assume the most potent disguise of all: the boringly normal married man.”

  “Like you?”

  “Yes, like me. You’d be surprised at how many others there are, hiding behind their masks: salarymen, bankers, doctors, government officials, policemen….”

  “What do you feel when you make love with me?” She seemed sincerely curious, not spiteful at all.

  “I feel what I always feel with a woman: that if only she were a man, I would enjoy it so much more. I’m sorry. It has nothing to do with you personally. You are very attractive, and sexy. It’s just the way I’m made.”

  “Why did you agree to marry me, then? Did you think marriage would change you?”

  Fumio was taken aback. “No, I’m not that naïve. But I did hope that marriage would be good for me. In our society, you have to be married to be accepted as an adult. And I knew I would eventually be facing the pressures that everyone does: to marry at a marriageable age. Please don’t misunderstand me. I like and respect you as a person. You are a very good wife—far better than most. Any man would envy me.”

  But she was gazing past him at the wall. “Tell me the truth: did you marry me for Father’s money?”

  “No, Seiko, not at all. Your father’s a very nice man, and he treats me so well. As you know, my own father died when I was young, so I grew up without one. Maybe Sensei’s kindness was part of what attracted me to this marriage, but….”

  She gave a sudden laugh, shaking her head. “It’s all a sham then, a complete sham. Marriage has no meaning. No meaning at all.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Then what should I say?”

  Fumio merely closed his eyes, feeling weary from the labor of his confession.

  “So, what happens to us now, Fumio-san?”

  “I don’t know. One of the reasons I told you all this was that maybe we should think seriously about our marriage. Are we happy being together?”

  She said nothing.

  “Do you want a divorce?” he said.

  “No.” She looked at him, unblinking. “There are worse marriages.”

  “But any marriage which doesn’t have at least the pretense of happiness has no hope for survival.”

  “Why do you say that? We can still make it work, build a home for ourselves, have a family.”

  “With someone like me for a husband?”

  “Listen. I have friends who are married, so I hear stories. They don’t all have perfect husbands, either.”

  “Sure, but—”

  “At least you don’t beat me. And you don’t neglect me. You don’t gamble, drink excessively, or stay away from home for days without telling me. You don’t sleep with other women. And I don’t have to live with a domineering, spiteful mother-in-law like some wives do. From all these points of view, I have a good marriage. And my friends actually envy me. They said Seiko-chan was the one who ran off with the golden prize, just as I won the school prize for best composition when everyone thought it would go to someone else. They said you don’t need to be a beauty to win happiness. The beauties all become unhappy....”

  “Stop it, Seiko.”

  “But I mean it. All things considered, I am not unhappy. Most marriages, after the first year, are not happy, I know. So what if our sex life isn’t ideal?”

  “But can you stay married to me, knowing I’m a homo?”

  “Of course. Why should anyone else find out about it? It’ll be a secret between you and me. As long as you don’t do anything that would scandalize us, we can get along just fine.”

  “That would be a strange sort of marriage, wouldn’t it?”

  “I’m sure there’ve been stranger ones.”

  “But what do you get out of it, Seiko? You’ll be the one who has to make the biggest sacrifices.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Fumio felt his face grow hot. “Well, you have sexual needs too, don’t you? I’m serious, Seiko. If—” He found himself at a loss for words and had to start over. “If you ever feel like seeing someone outside our marriage, then you should feel perfectly free to do so. I know you probably get lonely from time to time….”

  She didn’t answer, merely looked blankly past him. But Fumio thought he detected a shiver go through her.

  “I really mean it, Seiko.”

  She focused her eyes on him. “This really is a strange marriage, isn’t it? I’ll bet there’s no other couple in the world who are as honest with each other as we are.”

  “Maybe not.”

>   “Listen. Nobody must ever learn of what you’ve told me tonight. Above all, we mustn’t let Father find out. He’s so old-fashioned and wouldn’t understand the first thing about it.”

  “Yes, I know. The Japanese gentleman of the old school.” Fumio laughed softly to himself before murmuring, “Seiko, you really are extraordinary. Not many women would put up with having a homo for a husband.”

  “I can.”

  As he gazed into her eyes, Fumio wished more than ever that he’d been capable of loving such an amazing woman. If he didn’t know for sure that it would end in failure, he would have wanted nothing more right now than to make love with her.

  26

  Kichijoji was very sensual in the late evening: young couples everywhere were walking arm-in-arm, either bound for the darkness of Inogashira Park or one of the many love hotels near the station. Fumio had asked Tatsuya to meet him here, as it was almost exactly halfway between both of their homes.

  They decided to visit a basement pub which Tatsuya had heard about, and when they got there, it turned out to be a cozy dark place alive with the sounds of chatter against the background music of small-combo jazz. A young waiter led them to a table where they ordered a pitcher of beer and some snacks to go with it. When it arrived, Tatsuya poured for both of them.

  Fumio took a long drink and let out a contented sigh. “It feels so good to be out on the town like this.”

  Tatsuya grinned. “Are you missing the single life already?”

  “No, no, I feel perfectly happy with married life.”

  “Good. How is Seiko-san, by the way?”

  “As well as ever. She said to give you her regards.”

  “I’m glad she still remembers me.”

  “Are you kidding? You were all she could talk about after you left us that night.”

  “Well, I hope you weren’t jealous.”

  “Of course not.”

  Tatsuya took a drink and set his mug down. “Married life seems to suit you, Fumio. In fact, right now you’re the very picture of the contented newlywed. And next will come the children to complete your happiness, I suppose.”

  “Oh no, not you, too! Everyone’s telling me I should have children!”

  “Well? Don’t they say it’s the best thing for a marriage?”

  “I suppose so. But personally I’d like to wait a while before assuming that particular responsibility. What about you, Tatsuya? How is your love life?”

  “As busy as ever. You know me. What is it with young women these days? It used to be that we men had to be the pursuers. Nowadays, all you have to do is wait around and they’ll come right up to you. I realize that with Japan’s economy booming the way it is, the whole world is being turned upside-down, but are the sex roles getting reversed, too?”

  “Listen Tatsuya, when a boy is as good-looking as you, the girls will naturally come to you, and it’s always been like that, boom economy or not.”

  The lights at the far end of the pub now came on as the recorded music faded out. All the customers’ attention was centered upon a small stage where an upright piano stood. A young woman sitting before it played a brief arpeggio to loosen her fingers, waiting for the noise in the pub to die down before launching into a moody jazz piece.

  Fumio, who normally didn’t listen to jazz, felt himself drawn into the music, with its suggestions of world-weary ennui. The whole ambience of the pub, with its cigarette smoke and dark interior, made him feel rather amorous. He glanced occasionally at Tatsuya, but his friend seemed lost in thought. Once or twice their knees brushed, and though Fumio felt a keen jolt each time, Tatsuya didn’t even seem to notice.

  The music ended, and there was some scattered applause. The pianist began playing her next piece.

  Tatsuya leaned closer to Fumio. “What was it you wanted to talk to me about tonight?”

  “Well…. Actually, it’s somewhat embarrassing.”

  “Don’t worry. The music will cover up anything you have to say.” He moved his chair closer to Fumio’s so that they were sitting almost side by side.

  “The thing is,” began Fumio, glancing around to make sure no one could overhear, “I have a feeling that Seiko is not completely satisfied with the way things are. In bed, I mean.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “I just know.”

  “All men probably feel the same way, but—”

  Fumio raised a hand to cut him off. “Listen, I admit it. When it comes to women, I’m not the most knowledgeable man in the world. But I do know one thing, and that is the fact that I haven’t been able to make Seiko—how should I say it?—physically fulfilled.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Fumio cleared his throat. “Listen, this is really embarrassing, but when we were neighbors back in the old apartment house, the walls were so thin that I could overhear practically everything that went on in your room, especially on those nights when you had a girl in there with you.”

  “Oh no!” Tatsuya looked embarrassed. “Was it really that audible? I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. I confess I rather enjoyed listening in, even though it only aggravated my own sexual frustrations. But the thing is, from listening to the sounds coming from your room, I came to know how a woman reacts when she has a climax, and that just doesn’t happen with Seiko. So it’s obvious that, unlike you, I don’t have what it takes to satisfy a woman….”

  “Now you’re making me blush.”

  “There’s no need to be modest. You know perfectly well how good you are in bed and, thanks to that thin wall, so do I. Which brings me to what I wanted to ask you tonight.”

  “And that is…?”

  “I want you to teach me how to please a woman in bed.”

  Tatsuya shook his head with a smile. “Sorry, that’s one thing I can’t help you with. But there must be hundreds of sex manuals out there which—”

  “I don’t want a lot of technical information from a bunch of writers. I want to learn at firsthand what it takes to make a woman come.”

  “At firsthand? But the only way to do that would be—” Tatsuya looked stunned. “You’d have to be right there watching me.”

  “That’s right. Is it…would it be possible?”

  Tatsuya shook his head and looked away. “Fumio, you can’t just—”

  “That time in Roppongi, when you took me to the disco, you ended up in bed with two girls at once. Have you ever done it the other way around: two boys with one girl?”

  “Not yet. But Fumio, do you know what you’re asking me to do? You’re a married man now, and you’d be betraying Seiko-san, whom I happen to like a lot.”

  “If I cheat on my wife, it wouldn’t be the first time in history that a man has done so. And in a sense, I’d be doing it for her sake, to learn how to satisfy her.”

  “I’ll have to think about this. I really do.”

  “Please, Tatsuya. I wouldn’t ask you unless I was really serious about it. Do you realize how ashamed I feel right now?”

  Tatsuya look a long drink and let out a sigh. “Listen. I really wish I could help you out somehow. But….”

  The piano music came to an end, and after the ensuing applause, the pianist stepped away. Once again the club filled up with the sound of people talking. Tatsuya moved his chair back to where it had been, opposite Fumio. As he took a drink and set his mug down, his eyes roamed the room. And then he apparently noticed something, for he indicated with his eyes for Fumio to look as well.

  When Fumio did, he spotted a young woman sitting alone at the counter, idly running the tip of her finger along the rim of her cocktail glass.

  Tatsuya leaned close to Fumio and murmured, “I’ll go have a drink with her for a while, and if everything looks good, I’ll let you know.”

  “Thanks, Tatsuya.”

  “Remember: I’m only doing this for your sake.”

  “I appreciate it.”

  Tatsuya slapped Fumio lightly on the back and sauntered over to th
e counter. As Fumio watched, he saw his friend lean down to talk with the girl, and then, apparently getting her approval, sit down on the stool next to her, immediately ordering a cocktail for himself, and another for the girl.

  Fumio continued drinking as he watched them. He couldn’t believe what he’d asked Tatsuya to do. But ever since his confession to Seiko, it seemed as if something inside him had been freed at last, and he felt ready for any kind of adventure.

  The pianist came back and began playing again. Fumio let the music soothe his nerves. He lit a cigarette and settled back to listen. The waiter came by again and Fumio asked him for another pitcher. When it arrived, he felt brave enough to eye-flirt with the young man, and was delighted when the other returned a shy glance of acknowledgement. But of course it was only a courtesy on his part. Attractive waiters like him were probably used to getting amorous looks from the customers—both women and men.

  He returned his attention to the counter and saw Tatsuya and the girl laughing at some shared joke. Their stools were closer together now, and Tatsuya’s hand was resting lightly on her lower back as he leaned toward her to make a remark. She had one of her high-heeled pumps halfway off, and was rocking it back and forth with the ball of her foot. Anyone looking at them could tell they would be going straight to a hotel shortly.

  When the girl got up to go to the restroom, Tatsuya slid off his stool and came straight over to Fumio.

  “Go ahead and pay for the drinks,” he said. “And then be waiting for us outside somewhere. I don’t know how much longer it’ll take, but I’m sure she’s just about ready to leave. She’s quite drunk by now, so I think it might work out.”

  “Great.”

  As Tatsuya went back to the counter, Fumio finished off his beer and went to the cash register to pay for everything. Then he walked up the steps and out onto the street. There was a vending machine a few meters away, diagonally opposite the club’s entrance. Fumio took up his post there, feeling like a detective in a TV drama.

  He didn’t have very long to wait. After about ten minutes, the girl emerged from the club with Tatsuya right behind her. They stood talking for a while in the street before Tatsuya put his arm around her and led her away. Fumio waited until they were about ten meters off before following them.