MB09 - You Stole My Heart Away

by Joan Jonker

  It was on the tip of Nellie’s tongue to say if she was in a posh hotel, she’d be getting a nice cake stand with cakes and a selection of expensive biscuits, but perhaps it was best if she held her tongue on that subject. ‘Ooh, I’ll drink that tea right off in one go, girl, ’cos me mouth is parched. I hope yer’ve filled the kettle, so I can have an extra cup?’

  ‘What are yer talking about, Nellie? Yer always have two cups of tea!’ Molly glanced at the clock. ‘We haven’t got time for a long drawn out account of what you and yer family got up to last night, sunshine, so tell me the part from when your Lily and Archie called. Tell it nice and slowly so it sinks in. Then we’ll do our shopping, and when we get back yer can tell me the rest. And I’ll treat us to a cream slice each, for afternoon tea. How about that, sunshine?’

  Nellie perked up right away. ‘Sounds good to me, girl, sounds good to me.’ Her chubby face creased into a smile. ‘We can have two cream slices each, girl, ’cos I cadged a shilling off George. He gave it to me out of the money Archie made him take back.’

  Molly gave her head a few quick shakes. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning. I don’t seem to be able to think straight. I can hear yer talking, sunshine, but none of it makes sense. Did yer tell me George won half a crown playing cards?’ When Nellie nodded, Molly went on, ‘And didn’t yer say he’d given the winnings over to Archie to help pay for the fish and chips?’

  Nellie had a knowing look on her face when she answered. ‘Ye’re doing well so far, girl. Yer can go to the top of the class now.’

  ‘No, hang on a minute. If George gave his winnings to Archie, how come you’re offering to buy cream slices with it? Something doesn’t add up, Nellie.’

  Nellie’s huge bosom and tummy rose to accompany the deep sigh she let out. ‘I’m getting bleeding fed up now, girl, and me head is beginning to throb. I’m sorry now I didn’t eat our dinner when I put it on the table last night instead of acting the goat with our Paul.’ Another deep sigh had her tummy lifting the table off the floor. ‘I made a rod for me own back by thinking that you, being me best mate, like, yer’d get a laugh out of it and we’d both be doubled up with tears running down our cheeks. I should have kept it to meself. Kept me big mouth shut.’

  Molly patted her mate’s hand. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, sunshine, but there’s a way out of it, if that’s what yer want. Drink yer tea, forget all about last night, and we’ll get cracking on our shopping. As soon as we walk in Hanley’s, and yer see the cream slices, the sun will come out and yer’ll feel on top of the world. So drink up and we’ll be on our way. I’ll wash the cups when we come back.’

  In the butcher’s shop, Tony was putting a tray of mincemeat in the window when he spotted the two friends on the pavement opposite, waiting for a break in the traffic to cross over. ‘Yer mates are on their way, Ellen,’ he called through to the stockroom. ‘Just seeing them cheers me up, ’cos I know we’re in for a laugh.’

  Ellen came through wiping her hands on a piece of muslin, and she stood beside her boss and watched as her neighbours, and close friends, darted across the wide, busy road. ‘Ay, just look at Nellie. She’s as light on her feet as a fairy, for all the weight she’s carrying.’

  Tony chuckled. ‘Two Ton Tessie O’Shea’s got nothing on Nellie. Oh, I know Tessie’s got a smashing voice, but I bet she hasn’t got the same humour as Nellie.’

  The two mates were linking arms when they tried to get through the shop doorway, and when they got stuck it was Molly who had to give way. ‘Why don’t yer get this bleeding door made wider?’ Nellie asked. ‘Honest, yer must think all yer customers are as thin as beanpoles.’ She tutted in make-believe disgust. ‘Have a bit chopped off by the time we come tomorrow, or we’ll take our custom elsewhere.’

  Molly glared down at her. ‘If yer didn’t insist on linking me, we’d have no trouble getting through. It’s not the door that’s the wrong size, Nellie, it’s you.’

  Nellie’s gasp of horror was so overdone it was hilarious. ‘Well, I like that! I’ve never been so insulted in all me life. And by my supposed to be best friend.’ She appealed to the two people behind the counter, who were having trouble keeping their faces straight. ‘You heard that, Ellen, and you, Tony. Don’t yer think she had a ruddy cheek?’

  ‘Oh, yer can leave me and Ellen out of it, Nellie,’ Tony said. ‘We can’t take sides between customers, ’cos if we did we’d soon have no customers left. And don’t forget, Nellie, I’ve got a wife and four children to fend for.’

  ‘Flipping heck, Tony, that was quick!’ Nellie leaned her elbows on the counter and squinted up at the butcher. ‘Yer wife’s had another baby since Saturday, has she? Blimey, yer didn’t even tell us she was expecting. Ye’re a dark horse, Tony, keeping a thing like that to yerself and not telling me and Molly, what are yer two best-paying customers.’ She was really enjoying this and her eyes were bright with mischief. ‘Come on, lad, spill the beans. Is it a boy or a girl?’

  ‘I think yer must be getting me confused with someone else, Nellie.’ Tony was stumped. ‘My wife hasn’t had a baby. Or if she has, she’s kept it very quiet ’cos she hasn’t told me!’

  ‘Well there’s something fishy going on, Tony, and if I were you I’d be demanding she comes clean. Yer’ve had a wife and three children for over ten years now, and suddenly yer’ve got a wife and four children. She must be very crafty, that’s all I can say. And you must be bleeding short-sighted if yer didn’t notice she’d slipped another child in.’

  Tony was nodding his head and looking thoughtful. ‘Fancy you noticing that, Nellie. And now you’ve brought it to my attention, I can kick meself for being a fool. I thought there was a bit of a crush at the table when we’re having our meals, but it never entered me head to count the number of chairs.’

  Molly was moving from one foot to the other. ‘Well, now Nellie has sorted that out, Tony, can we talk about what we’re going to have for our dinner?’

  ‘I’ll serve yer, Molly,’ Ellen, her next-door neighbour, said. ‘Tony can see to Nellie. What is it yer want?’

  Molly sighed. ‘I can’t make up me mind. Honest, yer get fed up trying to give the family something different every night.’

  Nellie was all ears, waiting for her mate to say what she wanted, then Nellie would have the same. But now, unknowingly, Tony put his foot in it. ‘I’ve just made some beef sausage, Nellie, but I’ve remembered yer had sausage last night.’

  The little woman’s face lit up. ‘Ooh, ay, Tony, wait until I tell yer what happened to those sausages, and what a smashing night we had because of them.’

  Molly groaned, and put a hand over Nellie’s mouth while she told a startled butcher, ‘That’s two mistakes yer’ve made since we came in the shop, Tony. One was adding an extra child to yer family, and the other was mentioning sausages. As I don’t want to be here all day, Ellen can serve me with a breast of lamb. A lean one, out of the tray in the window. You can see to me mate.’

  Nellie pushed Molly’s hand away, and narrowed her eyes to slits. ‘Copycat, Molly Bennett. Yer saw me looking at that tray in the window, and it was me what gave yer the idea. So bring that tray here, so I know there’s no favouritism. I want to see the two breasts of lamb on the counter, to make sure one isn’t leaner than the other.’

  Tony’s shoulders were shaking with laughter. ‘Ellen, will you get the tray from the window, please, while I fetch a tape measure. Nellie is bound to want them measured, as well as weighed.’

  Nellie and Molly both saw the funny side of that remark, and Nellie called after him, ‘Too bleeding true I will! If yer can’t be trusted to keep track of how many children yer’ve got, I’m not going to trust yer with my breast.’

  Two customers walked into the shop as Nellie was shouting, and hearing the last six words immediately turned their eyes to her mountainous bosom. Then their noses wrinkled in disgust. Molly heard one say, in a whisper, ‘Common as muck. Just look at the state of her.’

&nb
sp; Fortunately for the two customers, Nellie didn’t hear what was said, or they would have had cause to regret their words.

  ‘Where are we going to now, girl?’ Nellie asked after they’d left the butcher’s. ‘Is the next stop Hanley’s?’

  Molly shook her head. ‘The greengrocer’s first, sunshine. I want some carrots, a swede and an onion. I’m not roasting the breast of lamb, I’m going to cut it into strips and cook it with all the sliced veg, on the top of the stove. And I’ve got some pearl barley at home; I’ll put some of that in to thicken it.’ She squeezed her mate’s arm. ‘Me mouth is watering just thinking about it.’

  ‘I’ll get the same as you in the greengrocer’s, girl, but will yer lend me some of yer barley, ’cos I haven’t got none of that at home?’

  As they ambled along, arms linked, Molly asked, ‘Are you sure you had an English teacher when yer were at school? I mean a teacher who taught you English?’

  ‘Of course I did, girl, her name was Miss Henderson. I didn’t like her, she was a right cow. The least excuse and she’d send me to the headmistress to get the cane.’ Nellie squinted up at her mate. ‘What made yer ask that? It’s thirty years since I left school.’

  ‘Nothing in particular, sunshine, except your Miss Henderson didn’t do a very good job on yer. Not that it matters now, ’cos it’s too late to find her and ask for yer money back.’

  ‘What money, girl? I didn’t give her no money because me mam was always skint. And even if we did have money, I wouldn’t have given her none, ’cos she was horrible.’

  ‘Well, I’ll give yer a reason for me asking about whether yer were taught English or not. And don’t get a cob on over it, because it’s the lack of good English that makes what yer say so funny. Just for an example, let’s start with you asking me to lend yer some barley. Now, I can’t lend you barley, can I?’

  ‘Why can’t yer, girl? Yer said yer had some in the house, so why can’t I borrow some?’

  ‘What will you do with it, sunshine?’ Molly could hardly control her face or voice, for she was longing to laugh.

  ‘Yer know what I’ll do with it, girl, I’ll put it in the bleeding water with the lamb and the veg. That’s what!’

  ‘Then how are yer going to give it back to me? Remember yer only asked to borrow it. So tell me how I’ll get it back off yer?’

  Molly had seen Nellie’s face going through some weird shapes over the years, but her mate’s expression now defied description. Her mouth was screwed up and nearly touching her nose, and her frown of concentration brought her forehead down to cover her eyes. They’d come to a halt while Nellie tried to figure out how she could give Molly the barley back, if she’d boiled it. In the end she shook her head, put her face back to normal, and said, ‘Yer got me there, girl, I give in, so what is the answer?’

  Nellie’s face looked so woeful, Molly felt awful. She’d only started on the subject for a laugh, but now she was ashamed of herself for using her best friend as a figure of fun. ‘There’s no answer, sunshine, it’s just me being sarky, as you call it. But the joke’s on me, Nellie, for thinking I could be more funny than you. Yer knock spots off me, sunshine, but don’t start getting big-headed because I say so. And as for that Miss Henderson, well, if I ever meet her, she’ll get the length of my tongue for being the cause of you getting the cane.’

  Nellie’s bust grew two inches and stood to attention. This was praise indeed from her best mate. And because Molly had been so good, if they ever did bump into Miss Henderson, then Nellie would stand shoulder to shoulder with her mate, and give her ex-teacher the length of her tongue as well.

  ‘Here’s the greengrocer’s, Nellie, but if you wait outside, I’ll get enough veg for both of us. I’ll be quicker going in on me own, and it’ll save time. Then we’ve only got Hanley’s to go to for our bread and cakes.’

  Nellie licked her lips in anticipation of the luxury to come. ‘Hurry up, girl, and don’t stand jangling if there’s any of our neighbours in there. Tell them ye’re in a hurry.’

  Molly’s mouth opened in surprise. Her mate was the last person to tell someone not to jangle, when she herself would stand and gossip every chance she got. Even if the unlucky recipient of her tongue didn’t know Nellie she’d have to stand and listen if she valued her front teeth. ‘I’ll be in and out in no time,’ she said, ‘so just stay where you are and don’t talk to anyone.’

  With a tray of cream slices going through her mind on a conveyor belt, Nellie was only too happy to agree. And when Molly came out of the shop with the now heavy basket over her arm, it was to find her mate glued to the same spot she’d left her in. ‘We’ll take turns with this basket, sunshine, ’cos it is heavy. I’ll carry it to Hanley’s, and then you can take over and carry it home.’

  ‘We’re getting two cream slices each, aren’t we, girl? I’m buying two, anyway, because George gave me the money. And I know he won’t be asking me for change out of the shilling, so I can afford to treat you as well.’ Nellie tilted her head, her face one huge beaming smile. ‘We’ll go mad and have a party, eh, girl? Just the two of us, on our own, living it up. Like my ma used to say, we’ll break eggs with a big stick.’

  Molly smiled down at her. ‘Don’t get carried away, sunshine. If you had your way, yer’d be suggesting we have a bottle of milk stout with our cream slice! I know you, Nellie McDonough, give you an inch and yer’d take a yard. Yer’d lead me into bad habits.’

  They were outside Hanley’s shop when Nellie chuckled. ‘A cream slice and a bottle of milk stout wouldn’t be a bad habit, it would be heaven on earth.’ She rolled her eyes up to the sky. ‘If ye’re listening, St Peter, I was only kidding. Don’t give me a black mark for a little joke.’

  ‘You are always telling me St Peter is a very good friend of yours, sunshine, and if that is the case then he’ll enjoy a joke. Any friend of yours, meself included, would have to have a really good sense of humour or yer’d drive them round the bend. And I should know because I’ve been yer mate for twenty-five years. And there’s many a time yer’ve driven me to distraction.’

  Nellie’s eyes slid from side to side. Where the hell her mate got these big words from she’d never know. I bet she makes them up, the little woman thought, just to confuse me. ‘Go and get the cakes and bread before they sell out, girl, or yer’ll drive me to disfaction.’

  Molly opened her mouth to correct her friend, but decided it wasn’t worth the bother. ‘Oh, I’d hate to drive yer to disfaction, sunshine, so I’ll go and get the cakes. Four cream slices and two loaves.’ She was on the step of the shop when Nellie called, ‘Don’t forget to pick the cakes with the most cream in. Don’t let Edna palm yer off with the thin ones, ’cos she’s crafty if yer don’t keep yer eye on her.’

  Molly was smiling when she walked over to the counter. ‘Good morning, Edna.’

  ‘What are yer grinning at?’ Edna asked, reaching for two loaves on the rack behind her. ‘Has Nellie been up to something?’

  Molly’s grin widened. ‘Yer could say that, Edna. I’ve never known my mate not to be up to something. She’s picked on you today; you are her chosen subject. You, meaning you yourself, and subject being your cream slices. She reckons that if I take me eyes off yer for one second, yer’ll give me the thin slices and save the fat ones for yer favourite customers.’

  ‘But you two are my favourite customers!’

  ‘I know that, Edna, but it won’t be so easy convincing Helen Theresa McDonough.’ Molly leaned across the counter. ‘Are yer busy, sunshine, or have yer got time for a laugh?’

  ‘I’ve always got time for a laugh, Molly, ’cos we don’t get so many we can afford to lose one. What caper are yer up to now?’

  ‘I’m going to have a little game with Nellie. And you of course.’ Molly looked out of the shop window to make sure her mate was still standing where she’d left her. ‘How many cream slices have yer got, Edna?’

  The shopkeeper looked at the cakes in the glass case. ‘There’s six, Molly
. How many do you want?’

  ‘Are they all the same, with plenty of cream in?’

  ‘There’s four the same, but two got squashed and the cream came out. Well, not all of it like, but they’re not fit to sell to you.’

  ‘I’d like to put the squashed ones in a bag, and when we get home tell her they’re hers. It would be worth it to see the faces she’d pull. But the four nice creamy ones will have to go in a box, and she’ll twig I’m playing tricks on her. With my luck, she’d end up with the box, and I’d be stuck with the squashed ones. I never win with Nellie, yer know. She has some sort of sixth sense, and I end up with egg on me face. So just put the four in a box for us, Edna, and I’ll take our two loaves. How much is that altogether, ’cos I know it’s an extra penny for the box.’

  ‘I’ve been watching Nellie through the window, Molly, and I’ll swear her mouth is watering.’ Edna started to make up the box. ‘I won’t charge yer for the box, Molly, and seeing as Nellie buys cream cakes every day, I’ll put the two squashed ones in a bag and yer can have them on the house. So altogether, with the four cakes and the bread, it comes to two shillings and tuppence.’

  ‘Yer’ll never be rich if yer start giving things away, Edna. You have to work hard for yer money.’

  There were customers standing near, so Edna winked and held out her hand. ‘That’s two and tuppence, Molly. Give my love to Nellie.’

  Nellie raised her eyes to the sky and huffed when Molly joined her. ‘Blimey, you’ve taken yer time. I could have baked the bleeding loaf meself by now.’

  ‘Don’t you be getting a cob on with me, Nellie McDonough, or I’ll think twice about passing on the good news.’

  Nellie was torn between moaning about her arm being numb with carrying the heavy basket for so long, or hearing what her mate had to say. Then she told herself to be crafty. Hear the good news first, and perhaps she wouldn’t need to moan. ‘What good news is that, girl?’