Bursting With Love

by Melissa Foster

  Jack set down the receiver and sank into a dining room chair. He leaned his elbows on his thighs and dropped his face to his hands. I’m so fucked up. This is insane. Savannah’s words replayed in his mind. I’ve latched on to some worthless, angry, insecure mountain man. He sat up tall and breathed in, expanding his chest and broad shoulders to their full capacity. Worthless. He rose to his feet, curling his hands into fists. Insecure. He was anything but worthless and insecure. Angry, yes. What motherfucker wouldn’t be angry? He fucking killed his wife. But insecure? Worthless? Is that what everyone thought of him now?

  He stalked down the step into the sunken living room and snagged the framed medal from the built-in bookshelves beside the fireplace and scanned it. He needed to reiterate his value in his own mind. Congressional Medal of Honor. Above and beyond the call of duty. He touched the glass above the word valor. Pride swelled within him, drawing his shoulders back. He flexed the muscles in his legs, feeling his strength, and he stood taller. He set the medal back on the bookshelves and, wearing courage like a cloak, he went back to the phone. Without any hesitation, he dialed Rush’s number. His heart pounded against his chest. Each ring of Rush’s phone sped up his pulse.

  “Hello?”

  Rush’s deep, familiar voice sent a pain right through Jack’s chest. He swallowed to alleviate the tightening in his throat. He opened his mouth to speak, and his mouth was so dry he couldn’t form a single word.

  “Hello?” Rush’s tone was guarded.

  “Rush,” Jack managed.

  Silence filled the airwaves.

  “Rush, it’s Jack.” Damn it. He grasped for the right words. Hell, he grasped for any words. “Don’t hang up.”

  “I’m not hanging up.”

  The tension in Rush’s voice was equal to the fear in Jack’s as he pictured Rush standing, much like Jack was, with his body tense, legs rooted to the ground, biceps twitching.

  “I know this is too fucking late and I wouldn’t blame you for hanging up after the things I’ve said to you.” We’ve said to each other. “Rush, I’m done running, man.” He closed his eyes, disbelieving that he’d just said the words he’d sworn he’d never say, much less want to say. After Linda died, he didn’t think he’d ever want to stop running away. Savannah made him realize how wrong he’d been.

  He heard Rush blow out a breath, and Jack pictured his shockingly blue eyes—which were as light as Jack’s were dark—in a conflicted stare, a mixture of cold anger and warm brotherly love.

  “I’m calling Elise to come get Linda’s things.” Goddamn it, Rush. Talk to me!

  “Don’t.” Rush’s emphatic statement took Jack by surprise.

  “Don’t?”

  “Her father’s really sick. Terminal. You’ll only upset her more,” Rush said.

  “Terminal?” Jack’s voice faded to a whisper. “Ralph?” Before Linda’s death, Jack and Ralph had been close. He had fond memories of talking about the military and politics with Ralph, watching football together on Thanksgiving, and sharing many intimate conversations mulling over the differences between men and women. He smiled at the memories, but the smile quickly faded as he remembered their last interaction. It had been right after Linda’s accident, when Ralph had made no bones about his blaming Jack for Linda’s death. Jack had known then that it was grief speaking, but Ralph’s words had only confirmed what Jack believed to be true.

  Jack rubbed the scar on the back of his arm.

  “Jack, you’ve done enough damage to that family. Don’t make it worse,” Rush said.

  His words sliced through Jack’s courage like a knife, leaving him grasping for strength as he lowered himself to the chair once again.

  “Rush, I gotta see him.” Jack closed his eyes. He had to see him and clear the air. It wasn’t just Ralph who had said cutting, hurtful things.

  “The guy’s on his deathbed, Jack. What good will it do?”

  Rush’s voice softened, and Jack was glad for the change. Maybe there was hope for them after all.

  “I’m not sure, but I owe it to Linda. We were solid before she…before the accident.”

  “That was a long time ago, Jack. It took months for him to be able to move on, and he finally has. A lot has happened over the past two years while you’ve been hiding out like fucking Saddam Hussein.”

  Jack stifled the urge to tell his brother to fuck off. Jack had earned his medal during the capture of Hussein, and he knew that Rush was just trying to push his buttons. He wondered if his father was right there behind him, goading him on. His father was always goading them on. Be a man.

  Jack couldn’t get sidetracked by the bullshit going on with Rush. If Rush didn’t want to let Jack back into his life, that was something he’d deal with at another time. With this new information, the fragility of life reverberated through him like a double-sided blade. Every slice tried to steal his strength and courage. Jack rose to his feet and stared out the window and into the darkness.

  “Fuck that. I owe this to Linda and I owe it to Ralph.” Savannah’s words ran through Jack’s mind. I see Jack Remington, man, widower, soft-hearted-survivor-man-slash-pilot. Who can be a real ass when he gets scared. Jack wasn’t going to run scared anymore. Today he was making changes, and nothing was going to stop him. Not even his love for his brother. “I called because I wanted to try to clear the air with you, Rush. You’re my brother, man, and I love you, but I get it. You still see me as some prick who ran away from his life, and I don’t know how to fix that. But I can fix the shit with Ralph, and I intend to. With or without your support.”

  “Selfish as ever,” Rush said before hanging up the phone.

  Jack lowered the receiver from his ear, clenching it so tightly that his knuckles were white. “Shit.” He would not be dissuaded. He went outside and snagged his backpack from his motorcycle and leafed through Savannah’s registration form; then he picked up the phone and dialed her number. His forehead was damp with sweat despite the cool breeze coming through the open dining room window as seconds ticked by and her phone rang two, three, four times and finally went to voicemail. Hope soared within his heart at the sound of her recorded voice, reiterating the reason he wanted to change. Savannah.

  “Hey, this is Jack.” Why do I sound so stern? He made a conscious effort to soften his tone, pacing while he left the rest of his message to try to walk off residual frustration from his conversation with Rush. “Savannah, I…uh…” Shit. I should have prepared. “I’d like to see you. Talk to you. Whatever you want. I don’t care if we talk on the phone or…I sound like an idiot. I’m sorry. If you have any interest, please call me.” He left her his number and hung up the phone feeling as nervous as a high school kid asking a girl out for the first time.

  Before he lost his courage, he called information and got the number for Elise. The phone rang three times, and he mentally prepared to leave a message. Elise, this is Jack. I—

  “Hello?”

  Linda? Jack held his breath. Jesus, her voice was identical to Linda’s. Elise. It’s Elise. It had been so long since he’d spoken to her that he’d forgotten how similar they sounded.

  “Elise, this is Jack. Jack Remington. Please don’t hang up,” he pleaded.

  “Jack? Oh my God, Jack. Why would I hang up?”

  Tears filled his eyes. “Why would you—I can think of a hundred reasons.” The words tumbled out without thought. Relief stole the tension from his body. He leaned against the wall, his neck arched and his eyes locked on the ceiling. Thank God.

  “Oh, Jack. I’m so glad you called. I was going to try to reach you, but I was afraid to. I didn’t know if you’d be angry, or if, you know, it’d be too much of a reminder.”

  Elise’s kindness also reminded him of Linda, and he lingered in that pleasant memory for a beat before answering.

  “I heard about your dad, Elise, and I’m really sorry. I know he probably doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, but I’d really like to apologize to him. In person if he’ll
allow it.” Come on. Give me this one break.

  “He wants that, too, Jack. He feels horrible about the things he said. He drove out to your house once a week for months, just to try to get in touch with you. He said he left letters.”

  Jack swallowed the thick, acidic taste of guilt. “He did. I got them, but I never opened them. I couldn’t, Elise. I could barely breathe. I know that sounds dramatic and probably crazy, but for a while there, I think I was crazy. It took a long time for me to become clearheaded, and the anger ran so deep that I couldn’t deal with any of it.”

  “We know, Jack. Remember we all knew you before Linda’s accident, and people don’t change overnight. We knew you were grieving.”

  Hearing her assess his emotions so easily and without judgment—so different from Rush’s harsh reaction—drew tears from Jack. He clenched his eyes shut and pressed his finger and thumb to them, but he could not stop the flow of tears. He sucked in a quick breath in an effort to compose himself, but it didn’t help.

  “Oh, Jack,” Elise said. “Honey, you’ve been angry for so long that you probably haven’t grieved.”

  Jack sucked in another breath. “I…” His voice was swallowed by more tears. His lower jaw shook with the force of his sadness. “I’m sorry,” he finally managed, though it came out as a whisper. Could I have been so angry that I never really grieved? He had no idea if that was possible, but he was so thankful for Elise’s kindness, and the memory and feelings it evoked, that he didn’t care. If he had yet to grieve, he could face that. Now he could face anything.

  “Jack, please. We’re past the accusations and the anger, but we’re all very worried about you. Linda wouldn’t have wanted you to hide away from the world for so long. You know that. She’d want you to be happy and to live a fulfilled life, Jack. Linda loved you, and that’s what people who love each other hope for.”

  He sank to the floor. “Thank you,” he said in a gravelly, shaky voice.

  “You don’t have to thank me, Jack. I care about you. We all do.”

  “Elise, I have…” He took a deep breath, trying to keep the sobs that were wrenching his chest to keep from swallowing his voice again. “I have Linda’s clothes. I can’t keep them.”

  “Linda’s clothes? You’ve had them all this time?”

  Jack nodded, then realized she couldn’t see him. “Yes. Baby clothes, too.” Fresh sobs burst forth, and he buried his eyes in the crook of his elbow.

  “Oh, Jack,” Elise whispered. “Are you home?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m coming over.”

  The line went dead, but Jack couldn’t lift his arm to set the receiver on the console. He couldn’t raise his head from his arms. He could barely breathe as the grief worked its way through every cell of his body. His limbs trembled, his stomach ached, and his goddamn teeth wouldn’t stop chattering. Jack gave in to the helpless state, and the room filled with his cries as misery worked its way from somewhere deep within the recesses of his heart and soul and left him feeling depleted and hollow.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  SAVANNAH LEANED ON the wall of the Gapstow Bridge, scanning Central Park for Josh and Riley. There were more families than usual strolling through the park. Whether that was due to the unseasonably cool evening or the impending concert, she couldn’t be sure, but it was nice to see people strolling instead of hustling at the typical frenetic pace of the city. The changing leaves reminded her of the Colorado Mountains, which brought her back to Jack. Savannah sighed, wishing she hadn’t stood up for herself after all. It wasn’t like he was treating her badly or trying to hurt her. He’d told her how confused he was. He was honest. What is wrong with me?

  She saw his face in every man she passed and heard his voice when there was no one in the room. She thought about contacting him through his website but then realized that doing so would just be feeding into her weakness when it came to men. This time she wasn’t going to be the woman who chased down unworthy lovers. She’d had enough of that with Connor. But Jack’s not unworthy! There was no comparison between Connor and Jack. Connor never professed a single emotion toward Savannah, while Jack didn’t hesitate to bare his soul and say exactly what he was feeling.

  A hand gripped her shoulder, and she started, then spun around and found her younger brother Josh looking down at her with laughter in his eyes.

  “You scared the shit out of me.” She hugged him and realized that he was just about the same height as Jack. She felt the difference between Josh’s lean, muscular frame and Jack’s thick, powerful body.

  “Hey, Savannah.” Riley embraced her. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” They were a striking couple. Riley appeared youthful and happy in skinny jeans and a red spaghetti-strap blouse with her shoulder-length hair framing her face, and Josh looked handsome in khaki pants and a short-sleeved white dress shirt, which set off his dark eyes and black hair.

  “I know. It does feel that way, but ever since you and Josh got together, I see more of you both than ever before, so I can’t complain,” Savannah said.

  “We tried to call you.” Josh wrapped his arm around Riley’s waist. “We were going to try to meet earlier, but I guess you’re screening your calls.”

  “Not from you I’m not.” She pulled out her phone and made a tsk sound. “It was still on silent from my meeting. I’m sorry. Wow. I have six messages. Did you call me that many times?”

  “Three,” Josh said. “Let’s head over to the concert.”

  Savannah covered her ear and listened to her messages as they headed toward Rumsey Field. When Jack’s voice came through the phone, she stopped in her tracks and grabbed Josh’s arm.

  What? he mouthed.

  Savannah held up a finger as she listened; then she put her phone in her jeans pocket and hugged Josh as she squealed.

  “Good news?” Riley asked.

  Savannah’s smile faded. She realized she hadn’t told Josh anything about Jack, and now she wasn’t sure she should. He’d think she was nuts getting excited over a man while on the rebound from Connor.

  “Oh, um…” Shit.

  “I bet it was Ja-ack,” Riley said in a singsong voice.

  “Jack?” Savannah glared at Josh. “Jesus, really? Treat called you? I swear to God sometimes this family is so messed up.” She stomped off in the direction of the field.

  Josh and Riley caught up to her.

  “He stopped by before he left town and said he’d just come from your office. One thing led to another. He was just worried about you,” Josh explained.

  “Whatever. You guys must think I’m so messed up.” Heat flushed her cheeks. She shoved her hands in her pockets and kept her eyes trained on the ground.

  “I was there, Savannah. Treat really was worried, but not because he thinks you’re messed up.” Riley spoke so fast that Savannah had to watch her mouth to make sure she didn’t miss a word. “He was worried because he said that, for the first time ever, he’d seen something in your eyes that made him believe that whatever happened between you and Jack was real. And he was worried that if you didn’t recognize it for what it was that you might always regret it. He just asked us to make sure you were okay. That’s all. I promise.” Riley sucked in a quick breath.

  Savannah’s jaw hung open. She blinked away her surprise. “He said that?”

  “He did,” Josh said, then kissed Riley’s cheek.

  “What did he see?”

  “Maybe what we saw when you listened to Jack’s message?” Josh said with a smile.

  Savannah felt her cheeks flush. “I didn’t realize I asked that out loud.” Treat could see how I felt? I’m a goner.

  They reached the field where the concert was already taking place, and Kaylie’s voice boomed through the speakers. Crowds of people stood before the stage calling out to her. She looked radiant beneath the lights. Her blond hair cascaded in waves over her shoulders as she sang into the microphone, swinging her hips and working the crowd.

  “I fo
rgot how well Kaylie can sing,” Riley said as they made their way along the outskirts of the crowd toward the stage in search of Danica and Blake.

  Savannah heard the music and Riley’s comment, but she was thinking about returning Jack’s call and what the call itself meant. His message was so cute, like he had no idea what to say. I’d like to see you. Talk to you. Whatever you want. Her stomach fluttered. He is thinking about me.

  “SAVANNAH! RILEY! JOSH!” Danica stood at the side of the stage, waving her arms. Her dark corkscrew curls sprang out in different directions and hung just past her shoulders, so different from her sister’s shiny blond hair.

  “I feel like we’re having a family reunion,” Savannah said as she embraced Danica and then her husband, Blake. Blake had grown up with Savannah and her siblings. As first cousins, they’d spent many summers hanging out on her family’s ranch together.

  “Still gorgeous,” Blake said to Savannah. Blake was tall, dark, and handsome, and before meeting Danica, he’d used those good looks to his advantage and lived the life of a player. Taking any woman, anytime, anywhere. But the moment he set eyes on Danica, he’d fallen for her, and he’d cleaned up his act.

  “Not half as gorgeous as your wife,” Savannah teased.

  “Very true. And look at these two.” He nodded toward Josh and Riley, who were nose to nose, whispering as they stared into each other’s eyes. “Looks like they’re doing a photo shoot for Romance magazine.” He laughed. “Dude, care to give your cousin a hug? Pry yourself away from your fiancée for a second?”

  “You’re always so needy,” Josh teased.

  “Blake, you look so happy,” Riley said as he wrapped her in his strong arms.