Hold Me Now

by J. H. Croix

  “Why didn't you tell me?” I asked.

  She bit her lip. “I don't know. I guess I was worried you'd be upset.”

  “Well, I'm upset you didn't tell me.”

  She stared at me. “What?” she pressed when I didn't say anything further.

  “So, it's okay to spend every night with me, but I'm not even worth a conversation that you asked to switch crews? I'm assuming you asked because of me.”

  The brief respite of peace I’d found only moments earlier had gone up in smoke. I was hurt and angry, and it was because I'd gone and fallen in love with her. Like a dumbass.

  “Russell.” She shook her head quickly. “I don't know how to explain, and I didn't want to have an argument about it.” She gestured back and forth between us. “This is what I didn't want to do.”

  “But you want to do this?” In a flash, I was standing in front of her, one arm curling around her waist as I pulled her fast against me.

  The minute our mouths met, it felt like a flame racing up to the end of a fuse and catching a gust of wind, making it burn fast. Our kiss was a tangle, our teeth clanking together at one point.

  Then it was like it always was with her. I couldn't get enough, and she met me every step of the way—her tongue dueling with mine, her hands impatient on my body, her palm curling around my cock, teasing me while I muttered filthy endearments.

  Because I lost my mind when I was with her, and the fire took over, sizzling through my veins, I had her right there in the kitchen again. This time, her legs were curled around my hips as I lifted her onto the counter.

  When I sank into her, seating myself deeply, I held still, murmuring, “Paisley, look at me.”

  Her lashes lifted slowly, and her heavy-lidded gaze met mine. I could feel the echoing beat of her heart against my chest. Her nipples were drawn into taut peaks, pressed against me. The core of her was slick with arousal and rippling around me. The sound of our breathing filled the space around us as we stared at each other. I sensed the moment she wanted to look away, the moment the intimacy became just too much.

  But she didn’t. She lifted her chin and blinked. For a second, I could’ve sworn I saw the sheen of tears in her eyes, but then one of her heels spurred my ass, and she said, “More.”

  I could only give her what she wanted. What she wanted was what I wanted. I drew back and thrust into her again, holding her fast until she flew apart in my arms, her entire body trembling as she pulled my own release from me. Once again, I carried her to bed. This time, to mine.

  It wasn't until the following morning that I realized my mistake.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Paisley

  Russell was still sound asleep when I slipped quietly out of bed before the sun came up. Oh, my God, it was difficult to force myself to get out of that bed. I was toasty warm and had my knee curled over one of his thighs with my palm on his chest. I could feel his heart beating under my touch, and his breathing came in the slow, even rhythm of sleep. I took a moment to soak in the shadowy lines of his face and let my hand trail over his abdomen as I drew away.

  Though I risked waking him up, I was feeling greedy and already bereft at my decision. I was in waaaay too deep. I didn't know what Russell wanted, but I wasn't ready to figure it out for myself. With my worry about my brother heavy in my heart, I knew I needed to go back to Washington and straighten things out.

  I'd already booked a flight, but first, I needed to create some space. Madison had said I could stay in her spare bedroom. I tiptoed upstairs, not daring to go into the kitchen. It was directly above Russell’s bedroom, and I didn’t want to run the risk of him hearing my footsteps. I tiptoed all the way upstairs and quickly packed. Fortunately, I didn't have much. Russell didn't know I'd done the laundry yesterday and even left the sheets clean.

  I'd already written a note to leave for him and placed it on the kitchen counter. I wasn't completely running away. He would see me around, but we needed some space, like a few thousand miles. I’d have to make do with the amount of distance created by not falling into his arms every night.

  He would be pissed, and maybe he had a right to that. We'd said no strings, and I was tied up in emotional knots with far too many threads leading to him. I just didn't know what I wanted.

  If he knew what I'd been covering up for my brother, he would be horrified. I was horrified. I'd already fielded two phone calls from my parents in the past few days, worried about my brother's vacation and lack of communication. By the time I reached Madison's house, the sun was rising. She’d told me she was over at Graham’s and to let myself in.

  I was profoundly grateful for her offer. I didn't even think I could call her a close friend yet, but when she saw me yesterday, she said she understood the need for a fresh start. She’d told me a safe place to land was always a good thing. She'd also told me that Graham thought Russell was in love with me, which freaked me right the hell out.

  I was pretty sure I was in love with him, but I was dealing with a mess, and I needed to clean it up first. At least then, I could be honest with him. I’d planned ahead. I even had some groceries. Madison had left a note on the counter, telling me where to find the coffee and such, so I decided to help myself. I didn't have the nerve to go to Firehouse Café this morning because I didn’t want to run into Russell.

  As I sipped my coffee, guilt and uncertainty began to swamp me. Maybe this wasn't the best way to handle it. You don't even know what you want right now. You need to go and deal with this mess with Ryder.

  One thing at a time. Maybe things will work out with Russell, but if he knew you were deep into a yearslong lie involving your brother’s serious crimes, he might reconsider.

  I sighed. My throat felt tight, and I was so pissed off and disappointed with my brother. I had just finished my first cup of coffee, which was a relief because that was when I got the first text.

  Russell: Seriously? You couldn't, at least, have the nerve to talk to me face-to-face? Why are you running from me?

  I swiped the tears from my cheeks.

  Me: I'm not running from you. I have some things to deal with. I promise we'll talk when that's done.

  Russell: Are you planning to work next week?

  Me: I’m not sure.

  After my meeting with Ward, I’d checked with Graham and him about taking a week between my transition to the new crew.

  My reply was met with complete silence. I so desperately wanted to call him or run back to the house and explain. I knew I should’ve scrounged up the courage to tell him my plans last night, but I’d let the fire burning between us consume me instead.

  Ugh. I poured myself another cup of coffee, startled when there was a knock on the door. Madison had assured me Graham would not tell Russell I was over here. I tiptoed out to the entryway to see Madison peering in through one of the windows flanking the door with a cheerful corgi smiling through the other.

  “You can come in, you know. It’s your house,” I said as I swung open the door.

  She smiled. “I know, but I didn't want to startle you. You said you were coming over early.”

  Closing the door behind her, I sighed. “Yeah.”

  “What happened? Did you sneak out on Russell?” I looked at her, nodding slowly. She walked past me. “Did you make some coffee?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is there enough for me?”

  “Of course.” Her corgi trotted along with her, pausing to sniff at my ankles.

  I scratched behind his ears. I'd met him before when she stopped by the station with him.

  “Wilbur’s looking smart today.” I watched as his alert gaze scanned the area before he followed her into the kitchen.

  Madison chuckled while she poured herself a cup of coffee. “He is smart.” She took a swallow of coffee before sitting down at the table across from me. “All right, I know we're not besties yet, but I’m committed to making friends. What the hell is going on, and why would you sneak out like that?”

&nbs
p; “I think I'm a coward,” I offered.

  The next thing I knew, I told Madison the whole story, ending with the most obvious conclusion, “It wasn't supposed to get complicated.”

  She nodded slowly. “It never is. It wasn't supposed to get complicated for Graham and me either. I mean, he’s got a teenage daughter. My plans didn’t include getting involved with anyone, much less a father.”

  “You two seem to be doing well.”

  “I think so. We're figuring it out. Honestly, all I have to say is this. If you didn't have real feelings for Russell, you wouldn't have felt the need to sneak out. Maybe you should think about what that means.”

  My eyes narrowed, and Madison cocked her head to the side, giving a slight shrug. “I'm just sayin’. I'm no expert on romance, trust me, but feelings are feelings. If you didn't have any, you probably would’ve told him you were leaving instead of sneaking out.”

  I let out a groan and took a long swallow of coffee. “Fine. You may have a point.”

  Her smile was warm and understanding. “Maybe, maybe not. You're not going to be able to avoid him for too long, though.” When I rolled my eyes, Madison’s look was knowing. “This town is small, and you work with him. Maybe you have a week off, but let's get real.”

  Madison left to go to Anchorage for work after assuring me to treat the place like my own. She asked me to take Wilbur out a few times during the day. Her little dog seemed content to curl up beside me while I sat on the couch, staring aimlessly out the windows. For the first time ever, I wished I had a regular job where I needed to check email or call someone.

  When you were off duty as a hotshot firefighter, there was literally nothing to do. I didn't dare go into the station because that would mean running into Russell. As it was, I was feeling more foolish by the minute about my plan. I had needed the time off, and I definitely needed to put some space between us. But Madison's points about my feelings—stupid feelings—had me feeling even more cowardly.

  Feeling restless, I stood and walked into the guest bedroom to fetch my cell phone and laptop computer. I had a few bills to pay online, so I figured I might as well take care of that. I had my bills paid inside of fifteen minutes. I was feeling absolutely ridiculous that I was paying rent to Russell's mother through the little online pay portal when I didn't even know if I was going to return. I thought maybe once he knew what I’d been hiding, he’d think I wasn't the person he thought I was. Keeping my brother’s secrets made me feel like a fraud about everything.

  I put my laptop away and resumed looking out the windows. Madison had a sweet view into the trees with the mountains in the distance. She’d mentioned she and Graham hadn’t settled on where they planned to live together long-term, and I thought she should tell Graham to move here. Although I’d bet he had a great view too.

  I flushed all over out of embarrassment. Graham knew about Russell and me. He didn't seem to think less of me because of it, although it spoke volumes that he thought it was wise for me to switch crews.

  Russell had stopped texting me, and I was torn between relief and disappointment. That made me feel ridiculous. I almost jumped out of my skin when my phone rang. I eyed my phone where it sat on the coffee table. Leaning forward, I saw it was my parents’ number.

  I dreaded when my parents called. I’d already been keeping secrets for my brother, but it was exhausting. I tried to tell myself my brother was on vacation, which was true. But that didn't change the fact that I wasn't telling them the whole truth and hadn't been for over a year. They would be heartbroken.

  With a sigh, I reached for the phone and slid my thumb across the screen. “Hey, Mom or Dad,” I answered.

  “Well, hello, Paisley,” my father said. “I wasn't sure if you'd be out in the wilderness today.”

  “No, not today,” I replied lightly. Of course, that was true. But it felt as if I was hiding yet another thing from my parents. Not that it was any of their business that I had a hot-roommates-with-benefits thing going on with Russell that was getting way too freaking complicated. I wasn't about to fess up to taking a week off to screw my head on straight.

  “How's it going, Dad?” I asked, injecting cheerfulness into my tone.

  “Well, I wanted to check in with you when your mother wasn't around.”

  I moaned silently. “Is everything okay?”

  “Ah, depends on what you mean by okay.”

  “Dad, just tell me what's going on.”

  “I'll cut to the chase. I'm concerned your brother is involved in one of my investigations. I suspect he is on vacation but not for innocuous reasons.”

  My eyes stung with tears, and a lump lodged in my throat. I sent up a silent apology to my brother and took a deep breath. “I think you're onto something, Dad.”

  He went completely silent, and I could’ve sworn he was holding his breath. After a long moment, he let out a ragged sigh. “What do you know, Paisley?”

  “He’s in over his head, and I'm tired of worrying about him.” That wasn't all I knew. But it was all I was willing to tell my father.

  “I'm handing the case over to someone else because I can't be working on it if your brother’s involved. If you talk to him, let him know that they are willing to cut him a deal if he's willing to testify.”

  “Are you serious?” I heard myself asking.

  “Completely, and that's all I know. I can't help him any more than that. I think it's best if he doesn't hear that from me. The lead prosecutor gave me permission to tell him, but I haven’t had a chance to speak with him. He's been calling periodically, but it's usually when your mother's home. I sense you've been trying to protect us as much as your brother. I'd prefer not to tell your mother until we know what will happen with your brother. This will send her into a tailspin, and I'd rather not do that.”

  Suddenly, tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I took a shuddering breath. “You okay there, Paisley?” my father asked.

  “No and yes. Dad, I'm sorry.”

  “For what? Keeping your brother's secrets? I don't know if he asked you to, but I understand why you made that choice. Don't beat yourself up. Let's just hope he makes the smart choice now. Please let me know if you hear from him.”

  I sniffled, dragging my sleeve across my nose. “I will, Dad. I love you.”

  After we ended the call, I sat there with my phone in hand, wondering what to do. I didn't even know how to call my brother because he said he would be using burner phones. “You idiot,” I muttered to myself. Unblocking him would do me no good at this point.

  I sighed and tossed my phone on the couch cushions. Standing, I curled my arms around my waist and strode to the windows, pacing back and forth in a short path. Wilbur watched me calmly, his brown eyes blinking every time I looked his way.

  “I'm not that ridiculous,” I said to him. He blinked again. I realized abruptly that I didn't want to stay here this week. I called the airport and changed my flight to Seattle. I had a hunch I knew where my brother was.

  After that, I texted Madison, telling her I was leaving for now.

  Madison: Are you okay?

  Me: I'm fine. I'm going to use the week to go visit my family.

  That was completely true, but I was getting sick of half-truths. She assured me she’d be back in a few hours to pick up Wilbur. After taking Wilbur out for a walk, I made sure he had fresh water and then got ready to go.

  I hesitated to text Russell, but I forced myself to muster up some courage.

  Me: If my brother calls by chance, can you tell him to call my cell phone? Please. I promise we’ll talk soon.

  Chapter Thirty

  Russell

  “What do you mean?”

  Maisie looked across her desk. “She's off,” she repeated. “You didn't know?”

  Just then, Graham’s girlfriend, Madison, came walking through the front doors to the station. “Do you know for how long?” I asked.

  Maisie pressed her lips together before letting out a sharp sigh. “No,
I don't. I do keep on top of everything, but I didn’t catch that detail. All I know is she took the week off between switching crews.”

  Madison stopped beside the desk, her eyes landing on mine. “She went to visit her family. You didn't know?”

  Fuck my life. I was getting tired of not knowing what the hell was going on. “No, but how do you know?”

  I felt like I knew Paisley better than Madison, at least. We had been pretty up close and personal. “She was staying at my place, but she texted me this morning and said she was going to Seattle to see her family.”

  I had so many freaking questions, and I couldn't ask a single one. Meanwhile, Maisie and Madison were staring at me avidly. “Wow, thanks for the update,” I said before turning on my heel and shouldering through the swinging door into the back hallway. I was looking at the floor and promptly collided with someone. “Oh, sorry.”

  Glancing up, I found Rowan standing in front of me. He shrugged. “No worries.” He gave me a curious look. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I'm fine,” I muttered.

  “You sure don’t seem fine. Do you need anything?” he pressed.

  I sighed, leaning against the wall and bouncing one of my boot heels against it. “Paisley switched crews.”

  “Yeah, I heard,” he said slowly. “You're not cool with that? You weren't thrilled with her when she started, although you seemed to change your tune.”

  “Fuck,” I mumbled.

  “You could just fess up to it and deal,” he commented.

  I gave him a sharp look. “Fess up to what?”

  “Dude, you've got it bad for her.”

  Maybe I didn't know Rowan well, but I already knew him to be an honest and direct guy. He tended to be on the quiet side, but when he spoke, it was clear and to the point.

  “Is it that obvious?”