FullDisclosure

by Soarde, Nikki

  And then he’d told her that he’d divorced that harpy that he’d once walked down the aisle with. They were both free! Finally free to be together. And yet he’d chosen not to be. His explanations had been too vague, too thin. And it had been her turn to feel a sense of betrayal.

  But then he had kissed her. And in that moment she had been willing to forget everything, to fall back into love with him and give herself over to him completely, no matter what it cost her. No matter who it hurt.

  And then Jake had walked in and she had remembered just how much he meant to her as well. How much she couldn’t bear the thought of hurting a man who had done so much for her, who had made her feel more special—more complete—than she’d felt in years.

  Once again she was the betrayer—and unable to face that, she had fled.

  Then, just as she’d girded up her courage to do just that, she’d been faced with a new hurdle. A fresh betrayal. One more baffling and confusing than anything she’d ever encountered before. Evan and Jake were lovers? Did that mean Jake was just using her? But for what purpose? Or had he been using Evan? Was he some sort of kinky gold digger? And if Evan was gay—how could his kiss have felt so real?

  She no longer knew who was betraying whom. Who was in love with whom? And who had lied about what?

  To confuse things even further, she had to admit something about watching that kiss moved her. Deeply. It had seemed so ardent—so real. She pressed a hand to her stomach as, even now, the memory of what she’d seen stirred up a fresh flood of butterflies. How could she feel betrayed and yet moved and aroused at the same time?

  She didn’t know what to think, or who to talk to. She needed time, time to think. Time to sort all this out. At that moment what she needed was to be alone. She had to get out of there.

  Constable Rufus Severn lowered his binoculars and leaned against a delicate birch tree to contemplate what he had just seen.

  After following Evan Valerian to this trendy condo on the lakeshore, using his uniform to gain quick access and taking note of which floor Evan’s elevator had stopped on, he’d stationed himself in the park below and scanned the balconies for signs of activity.

  His diligence had been rewarded, and he had gained more information than he’d dreamed possible. Not only had the activities of this kinky little love triangle given him a king-size boner and fodder for fantasies the likes of which he would never divulge to his buddies down at the precinct, but he now knew exactly what had happened to Sadie Ballantyne. Evan had led him right to her.

  Now all he had to do was sit back and wait.

  Chapter Eleven

  Sadie did up the button on her denim shorts and slipped on a loose-fitting T-shirt. She glanced at the stack of new clothes she’d accumulated and was just considering whether she should pack them up when there was a knock on the bedroom door.

  “Sadie? Baby? Are you okay?”

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes, Jake. I’m fine.”

  There was a moment’s hesitation. “You don’t sound fine. Can I come in?”

  She stared at the door, wishing there was some magical way to slip through it and past Jake without being seen or noticed. But she had no magic wand and no fairy godmother. And as much as she wanted to avoid confronting him, this was still Jake’s apartment and his bedroom and she had no right to deny him access.

  “Of course,” she said, although her voice was weak. “It’s your room.”

  There was a very distinct pause before the knob turned and the door swung open. Jake stepped in, although slowly and with exaggerated care. His eyebrows were knit together with concern. “This is your room for as long as you like, Sadie. I only knocked because you’d been in here a long time, and considering the way you ran off I was concerned.”

  “I’m fine, really,” she lied. “There’s nothing wrong. I just needed…” No longer able to meet his gaze, she shifted her gaze to the window. Clouds had begun to roll in and she wondered if a storm was brewing. The weather had been exceptionally fine this spring, they were overdue for some rain. “I just needed to get dressed.”

  “Sadie.” His hands were on her shoulders, warm and strong and insistent. He turned her toward him so that she no longer had a choice but to meet his eyes. “Something upset you. Something happened out on that balcony with Evan, and it obviously upset you. Maybe what happened is none of my business, but how you’re feeling is. I can’t stand to see you upset. Please tell me what’s going on so I can help.”

  When she still said nothing, he cupped her chin and stroked his thumb across her cheek. He sighed. “But I don’t want to pry. If you’re not comfortable telling me—”

  “No.” She shook her head, then leaned in so that he would wrap her in his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder. “No, it’s not that. It’s not that I’m not comfortable telling you, it’s that I don’t know what to tell you. I’m so confused, Jake. I don’t know what to think or what to say. I just don’t know what to make of it.”

  “Well, why don’t you start by telling me exactly what it is.”

  She sighed, gently withdrew from Jake and decided she needed the support of the bed instead. She sat down on the edge. “I guess it is my feelings. My feelings for you.” She glanced at Jake. “And my feelings for Evan.”

  He joined her on the bed. “I figured as much. Seeing him again must have brought back all kinds of old feelings. And now you’ve got me all mixed up in there as well.”

  She nodded, her gaze trained on her hands clasped tightly in her lap. “I guess I’m not sure what’s happening between us, and what it all means. And then I saw Evan and…”

  She finally allowed herself to look at Jake and it was her undoing. It all came spilling out. “I love Evan, Jake. I’ve loved him from the first moment I saw him. I was never truly happy with Philip and Evan was like this glowing light of hope. But he was a light that I could never quite reach, never truly get close to. I was married. He was married. It was all impossible. I knew he felt the same way but I had resigned myself to the fact that we could never be together. And now…”

  Jake nodded understanding. “And now you’ve found out he’s free to be with you. And yet he’s choosing not to be.”

  She erupted from the bed, suddenly restless and eager to talk. “Yes! I mean… What the hell? He didn’t even answer my letter when I wrote to him asking for help, and now he shows up here? Telling me he cares, but that we still can’t be together? And then…and then…” She stared at Jake, realizing that what she was about to say could hurt him, and then decided she didn’t care. “And then he kisses me?” Unable to look at him and see the pain that those words might cause, she turned away and walked to the window, hoping that the view would help calm her. But the whitecaps and the angry clouds merely echoed her own turbulent mood. “I’m sorry, Jake. What we shared last night was truly special, and I’ve come to care for you, but my feelings for Evan go back much farther.”

  She was surprised to feel his hands on her shoulders, and the touch was gentle rather than angry. “Of course they do. You don’t owe me anything, Sadie.” Very slowly, he turned her to face him. “And where is the law written that says we can’t care for two people at the same time? It’s not like your feelings for Evan cancel out your feelings for me.”

  She blinked in surprise. This was not the reaction she had anticipated. Every other man she had ever slept with had declared immediate and exclusive ownership of her without exception. When Philip had hit her it had been because she had seemed a bit too friendly with a colleague at a company function. The man had been European and had merely given her the standard double-cheek kiss, but her explanations had fallen on deaf ears. How ironic that the beating had sent her fleeing into another man’s arms.

  But here was Jake, gazing down at her with such caring and understanding after she had told him she’d shared a passionate kiss with another man. She didn’t know what to make of it. Just like she had no idea what to make of his last statement. The
words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. “You love him too, don’t you?”

  His gaze remained level and even, his eyes never leaving hers as he apparently processed what she had just said. But just as she was about to press him she saw something else that she didn’t expect. His eyes filled and a single tear slipped from the corner to slide down his cheek before he dropped his hands from her shoulders and turned away, belatedly brushing away the evidence and hiding the feelings that she had already seen advertised so blatantly.

  “You saw?” His voice rasped with emotion.

  “Yes. I’m sorry, Jake. I didn’t mean to intrude, but…yes.”

  He nodded. “I’m the one who should apologize. I should have been more forthcoming about my relationship with Evan. But…” He shrugged. “It’s not exactly something that he wants advertised. Our feelings for each other have been very difficult for him…to deal with.”

  “Yes. I can imagine.”

  Nodding, he finally turned to face her, all evidence of his pain now safely tucked away. In fact his expression had turned hard, cold. He nodded toward the stack of clothes on the bed. “I see you were getting your things together. I’m happy to drive you back to your apartment, but if you prefer a cab I completely understand.”

  She blinked in surprise. Of course when he had first come in, she had been planning on leaving, but that had been because she assumed she was no longer wanted. Because she had assumed that she had no place in his life. Strange how that had all changed in a few short moments. “You want me to go?”

  He frowned. “No. But I assumed you’d no longer want to be here. To be with me.”

  She began to feel twinges of a new and unexpected emotion. Anger and indignation. Her face heated with it. “So you’re assuming that because you’re attracted to men, that I’m no longer attracted to you? Worse yet, that I’m perhaps repulsed by you?”

  “Truthfully? Yes. That has been my experience with women. Most women I’ve met would be horrified at the thought of being with a man who has been with other men.”

  She propped her hands on her hips and tried to keep the steam from pouring out her ears. “And I’m exactly like all the other women that you know. Is that what I’m to take from that? I’m a narrow-minded, snobbish, air-headed, shop-a-holic twit? Is that what you think of me?”

  His mouth gaped. “I…uh…no! Of course not!”

  “Well then?”

  “Are you saying you’re okay with it? That you don’t find it shocking or disturbing?”

  “Well, truth be told, I was a little surprised. And yes, a little shocked. But not for the reasons that you might think.”

  A half-smile tickled his lips. “And what would those reasons be?”

  She took a chance and stepped close to him, sliding her hands around that narrow, muscular waist. “At first I was shocked because I felt a twinge of jealousy.”

  “For me? Or for Evan?”

  “Both, I guess. I felt left out, somewhat deceived. Perhaps used, and maybe a bit unwanted.”

  “I’m sorry. Our intent was never to deceive you. And you, my dear, are always wanted.”

  Allowing herself to feel the warm flush of pleasure, she continued, “But then that changed and I was shocked for a whole new reason.”

  He traced a finger down her cheek. “Do I have to ask?”

  She smiled but couldn’t quite meet his gaze. “After I came back in the bedroom, and once the initial surprise wore off, I realized that I actually found the whole thing rather…exciting. Seeing two handsome men that I care about kissing so passionately?” A small shiver skittered down her spine. “It did things to me that I never expected.”

  He cupped her cheek and lifted her chin so that she had no choice but to meet his gaze. She was disappointed to find that he was no longer smiling. “I don’t know what to do, Sadie. Evan is in a place right now—a place where I can’t seem to reach him.”

  “He told me there’s something big going on in his life, right now. Something that’s preventing him from being with me.”

  “He’s not lying. It is something very significant, and it’s also preventing him from being with me. He thinks he’s making choices that will make him happy in the long run, but I think it’s a mistake. Right now it’s making him act crazy because it’s fucking everything up. But he can’t see that. And I think in the end it will just end up causing him more pain.”

  “I don’t understand, Jake. What is this about?”

  “I don’t feel comfortable telling you. I think he should be the one to explain.” He sighed. “I just don’t know how to get him to do that.”

  “Well, maybe if we approach him together we’d have better luck…persuading him to come clean.”

  At last that smile was back. “You mean gang up on him? Tie him to a chair and torture him until he agrees to our demands?”

  She laughed. “Yeah. Something like that.”

  “Actually, he might like that. He’s kinda into the whole bondage thing.”

  “Really?” She was surprised by the fresh shiver of excitement that came along with that image. She had to bite on her lower lip to keep it from trembling. “I think I’d like to see that sometime.”

  “Damn, you’re sexy.” He brushed a finger across her bottom lip. “I love it when you do that.”

  “You mean this?” She drew her lower lip slowly through her teeth.

  He growled, sliding his fingers into her hair and gripping the back of her head. “Yeah. That.”

  Feeling playful, she did it again.

  “Stop it!” he laughed.

  “Make me.”

  He hesitated, his eyes searching hers and his expression touched with a hint of melancholy. She was just about to ask what was wrong when at last he pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was tentative at first, but building in strength and passion. It washed any doubts away as to his feelings for her, but strangely added to her confusion. How could she want Jake so badly, yet still have such strong feelings for Evan? You weren’t supposed to love two people at the same time. Love wasn’t supposed to work that way. Was it?

  But when Jake’s arms wrapped around her and drew her in tight and she felt the insistent ridge of his erection through her shorts, she knew there was no point in dwelling on these things. At least not now.

  She nudged her hips against his to let him know that she was ready—eager for him and all that he had to offer. The heat of his hand that had slipped beneath her T-shirt told her that he felt the same.

  He cupped her bare breast and whispered in her ear, “You taste better than the finest champagne.”

  She smiled because, knowing him, that truly meant something.

  Evan walked along the waterfront, away from Jake’s condo, away from his Jag—and away from the source of his anguish. That had not gone according to plan. Not at all.

  He’d been so sure that he could control his feelings for Sadie. He’d had so much practice, after all. He’d spent years denying his feelings for her during his pathetic excuse for a marriage. He’d assumed that he’d be able to fall back into that old charade again quite easily, that he could slip back into it just like an old pair of jeans.

  He’d been wrong. He’d forgotten that he didn’t wear old jeans.

  He’d ended up making a fool of himself, and hurting two people that he cared deeply for. He acknowledged now that his accusations toward Jake had been ludicrous. Jake was as likely to do something to hurt Sadie as he was to sprout wings and fly.

  Jake was right when he said he had taken over Evan’s responsibilities, picked up the ball that Evan had dropped. Of course he was right—and Evan resented him immensely for it. Just like he resented him for being so damn smart, witty, sexy and desirable.

  And Evan resented himself for loving Jake so much.

  Seeing him today—kissing him—had confirmed it. Feelings that he had tried so hard to deny for the past several months had come rushing back with a ferocity that had stolen his breath.

&nbs
p; Ironically, kissing Sadie had had the exact same effect. And it was that confusion and sense of frustration that had sent him running from the apartment. He not only loved one person that he couldn’t have—but two. He couldn’t tell Rachel that he loved a man, and he certainly couldn’t tell her that he loved a woman who had once been to prison for murdering her husband.

  He feared the fact that Sadie had been exonerated would hold little weight. His experience with such fundamentalist Christians had been that their testimonials of love and forgiveness tended to cover a deep and abiding love for judgment and intolerance.

  That thought stopped him.

  He gazed out over the water and wondered why he would be pleased to call someone like that his daughter? How could he feel connected to someone whose value system differed so wildly from his own that he had to hide his true nature?

  Perhaps Jake had a point.

  What kind of love was that? Was he just setting himself up for disappointment? What if eventually Rachel discovered the truth? And if he was honest with himself, that was a distinct possibility. Much like love affairs, charades like this were invariably doomed to exposure. And when she found out the truth, where would that leave their relationship? He would be the father who deceived her. How could she ever trust him again?

  He took a deep breath and studied the horizon, where gunmetal gray clouds blended seamlessly into the turbid waters of Lake Ontario. He’d been so distracted he hadn’t even noticed the building storm. The sky was ugly, but they needed the rain. The earth needed to be cleansed and—perhaps—so did he.

  He made his decision, but it wasn’t easy. And at that moment he desperately needed to hear the sound of his daughter’s voice.

  He pulled out his cell phone and dialed her number, waiting anxiously for the affirmation he craved in the face of the torrential downpour he knew was to come.