Finding Karma

by Stacy M Wray

  “So…Jada says you’re a photographer?” he asks, slightly turning his body so he can look at me.

  Nodding at him, I say, “Yes. That’s how we met.”

  “I’d like to see your work sometime.”

  Not knowing how to respond to that, I say, “Maybe…”

  The bubbly waitress collects our drink orders while the chatter around the table becomes raucous as they attempt to talk over each other. I can tell they’ve been friends for some time; the vibe from them warm and spirited.

  James spots someone he knows and excuses himself from the group. My eyes follow him and I see him approach a beautiful blond and say something in her ear. She turns and looks happy to see him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. I sigh a little and turn my attention to the conversation going on around me, noticing that Jada subtly caught me watching James.

  After about three rounds of drinks, the group breaks up. Some want to move the gathering to another bar while Jada and I head home.

  James never came back to the table. Just as well, I guess.

  After saying our goodbyes, Jada and I begin the short walk home. It’s quiet when Jada says, “He’s quite the player, just so you know.”

  “Who?” But I know darn well who she means.

  She gives me a look like really? “He’s a great guy just as long as he’s just a friend. Otherwise, he seems to leave a trail.”

  I nod at her. “Thanks for the heads up. His good looks mesmerized me.” My mind drifts to Braden, knowing he probably doesn’t have nights like these.

  Unsure as to why, I become a little angry. I know I made my own choices, and I stand by them. But, damn, why is it that I have such a hard time finding someone to pass the time with? I’m not looking for a husband – just a date would be nice. I feel like this huge city could swallow me whole sometimes, missing the comfort of my hometown. And sometimes the boy who accompanied it.

  “Yeah, he has a way of turning heads, that’s for sure.”

  Before I realize it, we’re at our building walking towards the elevator banks. Once inside the apartment, I tell Jada I’m turning in and thank her for including me tonight.

  And before I surrender to sleep, I wonder if I’ve crossed Braden’s mind like he’s crossed mine.

  But it shouldn’t matter.

  Still…it does.

  chapter four

  August 2006

  Pulling into the school parking lot, Stella and I are thrilled we get to utilize the upperclassman lot. “It’s the little things in life like this that keep me going,” she says, whipping her car into a space close to the door. I can’t help but smile while we make our way into the main lobby.

  The bell rings and we head to first period. I fear that starting the day with English will put me to sleep. Slipping into the back of the room, I take a seat in the third from the last row, attempting to blend in.

  I turn my phone on silent as the teacher takes attendance, calling each name aloud. When she calls out Braden Stewart, I quickly look around the room, not noticing him when I came in. He’s sitting in the second row, and I can barely see him due to the fact that Tom Burthay’s big head blocks my view. I hear him call “Here” in a smooth, low voice. So he is the boy from my past, after all. A heaviness takes over my body as I remember the day I discovered he left, devastation filling my small world at the time.

  When she finally comes to my name, I notice a quick movement from his direction, and I feel my cheeks heat. “Here.” Without looking in his direction, I feel his gaze penetrate throughout every cell of my body. Those eyes could be lethal weapons.

  After a moment, the weight of hearing his full name settles upon me, pulling me back to the past. It’s no wonder he seemed so familiar, but we hadn’t seen each other since grade school. Does he remember me? Is that why all the stares? I’m fidgety in my seat, feeling his eyes seek me out. For some reason, I can’t meet his gaze, knowing how his presence rattles me, especially since our situation is complicated.

  Trying to pay attention during class seems futile since my mind keeps going back to a time in my life, for some odd reason, I have never let slip from my memory. We were close for a short time, brought together by tragedy and sadness. But our friendship would be short-lived, leaving me confused and heartbroken.

  Before I know it, the bell rings, and I quickly slip out the door and head to my locker, not wanting to make eye contact with Braden. I don’t understand why it’s freaking me out so much. It’s like I know a secret about him I don’t want to know. Or maybe it’s the fact his little glances have me on edge.

  The rest of my day passes without drama, meaning Braden isn’t in any more of my classes, but our past still baffles me. Braden and I had been inseparable for a time, but the bond we shared was broken almost as quickly as it had started. I’ve carried the painful memory of his departure throughout my life, even my parents were just as mystified as I was when he left unexpectedly, receiving no answers.

  But now he’s back.

  * * *

  I’m good at avoiding exchanged glances with Braden in first period. But then Friday arrives, and Stella informs me she has a doctor’s appointment, meaning she won’t be at lunch. That’s fine until someone drops their tray at my table, and I hear a familiar voice say, “Karma, right?”

  I look up, locking eyes with the most intense smoky gray ones I’ve ever seen. I gulp. “Right.” His jaw twitches and he sits down, placing both of his forearms flat on the table, studying me.

  His presence rattles me. “Can I help you with something?”

  Taking a bite of his sandwich, he continues to study me. “How many Karmas can there be in Colorado Springs?” I shrug my shoulders. “Do you remember me?” I throw him a blank stare, wondering if I should play dumb or fess up. “I think you do,” he says, quietly.

  I can pretend no longer and I lower my eyes, afraid he’ll be able to read me like a book with his smoldering stare. Still looking down at my tray, I barely get out my answer. “I remember you.”

  I have never forgotten him from the fourth grade. He lost his older brother when a car hit him on his bicycle. Even as a kid, I knew the magnitude of what that must’ve felt like for Braden, and I was obsessed with him. I studied him at school, wondering how he could even exist after losing his brother. Being an only child who always wished for a sibling, it affected me greatly.

  One day I noticed him sitting by himself at recess which was something he did a lot. No one knew what to say to him, the only solution being to ignore the boy plagued by the loss of his only sibling. I couldn’t stand it and sat beside him, putting my hand on his back. He turned and looked at me, giving me a sad smile. It’s been etched in my brain ever since.

  It meant everything that I could put even the smallest of smiles on his face, and I was determined to be the reason for even more. In no time at all, it was Braden and me against the world, forming a fast friendship that rivaled that of anyone else in our school. Each day his eyes shone a little brighter, edging the sadness a little further out, and I couldn’t help but beam with pride, knowing I was a possible contributing factor.

  I thought it was the start of an epic friendship, and it was until several weeks after that. His family moved away and I never knew what happened to him, leaving me devastated in the emptiness that ensued.

  He says nothing and I finally look at him, gauging his reaction. Then he shocks me. “I have never forgotten you.”

  What?

  His eyes don’t leave mine and it’s like no one else is around. His presence is so large, it encompasses the lunchroom and everyone else fades into nothing.

  He fiddles with his food but then puts his fork down, capturing my gaze once more. “What you did for me has haunted me since the day we left.”

  Whoa, I can’t believe he’s sharing something so vulnerable with me. “Why did you leave without saying goodbye?” I’ve always wanted to know the answer to that question, craving to hear the reason tumble from his lips.

 
; He sighs heavily. “My dad’s job got transferred and it had already gone through, even before my brother died. My parents kept it from me, thinking a clean break would be good. They had no idea how much you meant to me. They were going through too much to see how things affected me.” He runs his hand through his hair, and I wonder if he’s uncomfortable sharing so much. “They realized later how uprooting me was a mistake. You were everything to me. I had just lost my brother. And when my world was the darkest it had ever been, you gave me something no one else could. Hope. I was devastated when my parents said we were moving to a new home in a different state.” And then he laughs and says, “And I bet they got so sick of hearing about the girl named Karma.”

  I catch my lips turning up into a small smile. Wow! I have always felt silly for holding on to him and that memory this whole time. It’s a relief to know he’d been doing the same thing. And now he’s sitting directly across from me, giving me the explanation I’ve needed all along.

  “Do you have any idea how weird this is?”

  He shakes his head. “It’s not weird. Just consider it good karma.” The most genuine of smiles spreads across his face and man, it’s one of the best smiles I’ve ever witnessed. I can’t help but laugh at his attempt at humor.

  He’s serious again and says, “I hoped I might see you again when I heard we were moving back. You can imagine my shock when I heard Jimmy call your name when you were taking pictures. I just about fell to my knees.” He sweeps his hands through his hair, and I can’t help but notice how strong and masculine they are.

  Realizing I was caught staring, I ask, “Why was it so important for you to find me?”

  He seems puzzled by my question. “Because I’ve always wanted to apologize for leaving without saying anything, and I’ve always wanted to thank you for reaching out to me when I needed someone to so bad.” I swear I can still see the hurt little boy in his eyes and my heart constricts a little just thinking about how he looked on the playground. “Maybe that time in my life meant more to me than you.”

  I shake my head and look down at those hands that have me mesmerized and are forming small fists. I don’t know if it’s from frustration or what. I look up and say, “It meant just as much to me. I was heartbroken when you left.”

  I think he needs to hear those words because he immediately relaxes his hands, and I feel his whole demeanor calm. I hope he knows I’m being sincere and not just saying what he wants to hear.

  Our conversation rests heavy, the weight of our words sitting on my shoulders like the heaviest of quilts. It’s one of the strangest situations I’ve ever been in. Just as Braden’s about to say something, the five-minute warning bell rings, signaling there’s actual life taking place outside of this room.

  “Shit!” he mutters under his breath. “I was hoping we’d have more time.”

  I try to lighten the mood by saying, “Well, you’re here now. As long as you aren’t moving again, we’ve got plenty of time, don’t you think?”

  He smiles softly. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Knowing we need to get going, he says, “I’d like to continue this sometime…anytime.”

  I nod.

  He turns to take his tray to the conveyor belt and stops, looking back. “I can’t believe I’ve found you again. I think it is good karma.”

  “Stop,” I tell him. “Once was enough.” He smiles and turns away, dumping his tray. In three strides he’s out the cafeteria doors, however, the ferocity of his aura still lingers in the seat across from me. It will take me days to go over everything that just happened. I’m just as perplexed as the day he left.

  * * *

  I’ve been assigned to shoot the boys’ soccer game tonight. Braden continually fills my lens as he maneuvers the ball with grace, confidence radiating from him as he scores goal after goal. I can see why everyone talks about him like he’s our new savior, the ball constantly at his feet as if it is some kind of magnet.

  Mrs. Landry wants me to capture some still shots. She always encourages me to try new things, talking about entering some of my photos in contests. Sometimes I think she gives me way more credit than I deserve.

  When the game finally ends, and I have all the shots I’m going to get, I head towards the parking lot, but not before I hear my name yelled. Turning back to the field, I watch as Braden closes the distance between us. Confused, I slowly walk back towards him.

  “Hey,” he says, a little out of breath after running his ass off for the last hour and a half. “We’re all headin’ to The Pit tonight. You goin’?” His soccer jersey sticks to his skin, while the sweat from his hair drips off the ends, landing on his shoulders, one small, slow drip at a time. He wipes his forehead with the bottom of his jersey, exposing his toned stomach, and I hate that I notice. And he notices that I notice.

  I shrug. “I’m not sure…haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Why?”

  He shoots me a grin. “No reason. Just wanted to know if I had anything to look forward to,” he says, his voice lower than usual.

  Tipping my head to the side, a tentative smile crosses my face as his words sink in. Does he really want to spend time with me? The thought of maybe having the opportunity to reconnect sounds appealing, and I welcome the idea, hoping we can rekindle our friendship.

  “I’ll talk to Stella and see what’s she’s doing.”

  He looks at me kind of funny like he’s expecting me to say more. When I don’t, he says, “Okay, but I hope you go.” Someone from the team calls his name and he jogs off. He turns, running backward, and says, “Try to go, Karma.”

  My eyes flick to the ground and I unconsciously clear my throat. Looking back at him, I ask, “Why?” before I realize the word has actually passed through my lips.

  He immediately stops his backward running and walks back towards me and doesn’t stop until he’s directly in front of me, so close I can feel the heat radiating off his body.

  “Why?” he asks, brows furrowed. “Because I want to catch up. We haven’t had the opportunity to finish our conversation from the other day in the cafeteria.” His playful banter has turned into a serious concern, making my pulse race. I have to admit that I’m flattered that he wants to be with me, even if it is just to talk. It was different when we were just kids, not having a conscious thought about our physical appearances. I find it unsettling that a guy this hot wants to spend time with me. It’s a phenomenon I’m not familiar with, like the stars are out of line or something.

  I gently bite my lip, realizing that he’s waiting for some response. A breathy “Okay” leaves my mouth and I nod, reaffirming my response. “Okay,” I say again, “I’ll try to go.”

  A slow smile spreads across his face, and I notice his posture visibly relaxes. “Good. I’ll be looking for you.” His name’s called once more, and he looks over his shoulder, holding up his finger. Turning back to me, he says, “I’ll see you soon.” Then he turns and runs off the field, leaving me a bit flustered by our interaction.

  What was all that?

  chapter five

  May 2013

  Tilting the bottle so every drop of wine escapes from its mouth, I pass Jada her glass as I jump up to fetch us another bottle. Neither of us having plans on this stormy Saturday night leads us to raid our DVD collection, my road trip across the states when I was nineteen headlines as the main attraction.

  “Hurry up, Karma, I pushed PLAY and it’s starting.” I jog into our small living room, placing the bottle on the coffee table behind us as I sit cross-legged beside Jada on the floor.

  I giggle after already consuming an ample amount of wine. “It’s not like I haven’t seen it before. Besides, it’s not that long. We’ll need to pick out something else as we ride out the storm.” Just then, lightning cracks across the sky out of our double window, causing both of us to hold our fists in front us as we count the seconds on our fingers until the thunder rumbles over our heads. “One…two…three…four…” BOOM! Jada screams, the noise catching her off guard
. The hard rain pelts the plates of glass, sounding like nails crashing from the angry sky. I love a good storm.

  An image of my best friend, Jeremy, fills the television screen, and I instantly feel a pang of nostalgia as I willingly relive one of the best two weeks of my life. “Oh my God. Who is that?” she asks, fanning herself. “He’s hot.”

  Rolling my eyes, I tell her, “That’s Jeremy. He convinced me to take that road trip with him right after we graduated high school.” I sigh at the memory.

  “Were you guys an item?” I didn’t think about all the questions this little movie clip might bring about, never really wanting to talk about a past that was all-encompassed by Braden. Life can be so weird. One moment, I’m living in the present, working my ass off to make a name for myself, and then POW! – I’m smack in the middle of my past, cloaking me with a gamut of emotions.

  Shaking my head, I twirl my middle finger around the rim of my wine glass, wondering how much information I’m willing to divulge. “No, Jeremy’s like the brother I always wished I had.”

  And my rock – always has been.

  I can’t help but remember after Braden and I broke up – how he was there for me, even though he was clearly out of his element.

  Jeremy had pushed the door open with his hand still on the knob. He stared for a minute. “Damn, girl, you look like shit.”

  I smiled for the first time in a week – it wasn’t much of one but it was a start. He shut my door, then sat beside me on my bed, gathering me in his arms while I let the floodgates open one more time. He said nothing; just held me.

  When I was all cried out, I said in a small voice, “Thanks for coming over.”

  He squeezed me gently and said, “I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing on a beautiful summer day than sit here gettin’ snotted on.”