Finding Karma

by Stacy M Wray

  Slipping out the front door, I run to him and he catches me in his arms, clutching me tightly as I bury my face in his neck, crying like a baby.

  “Shhh…it’s okay, babe, I’ve got you now.” His voice sends me over the edge, unable to control my sobs of happiness.

  When I’ve calmed down, he pulls back and places his hands on both sides of my face, wiping my tears with his thumbs. “I need to see your face.” His eyes dart to my eyes, my freckles, my mouth, back to my eyes, a wide smile on his face the entire time.

  I’m sure I’m not looking too hot with snot under my nose and mascara beneath my eyes, but all those thoughts leave my mind when his lips slam over mine, unhindered, unrestrained. He devours me. Teeth clashing. Tongues dancing. I can’t remember a time in which I’ve ever felt such relief to have his lips on mine again.

  “God, how I’ve missed this mouth,” he says, his chest rising and falling, trying to catch his breath. “It feels so good to hold you again.” His arms tighten around me even more, if that’s possible.

  “Braden…” is all I get out before I get choked up again. I laugh at myself and wipe my own tears now. “I missed you so much…I’m …God, I’m sorry. I can’t even talk.”

  His hands run down my back and grab my ass, pushing me into him. I can feel how turned on he is and it’s like my body has just woken from a long slumber. My veins flow with liquid heat, every nerve ending comes alive with Braden’s touch. He hoists me up and I wrap my legs around him as he carries me to the back yard, his dark eyes piercing me with want.

  He walks slowly since he can’t see where he’s going due to the fact we can’t keep our lips off each other. When we finally make it, he sits down on the cushion of the loveseat while his hands travel up my shirt. I arch my back and push into his hands, needing more while my hands are up his shirt feeling even more ripped abs than before he left. My fingers are already on the button of his pants, undoing them as quickly as my dexterity allows. He groans into my mouth as he now tugs my lounge pants off my hips.

  “Take these off, babe,” he says, against my mouth.

  Jumping off his lap, I slip my pants off as Braden lifts off the loveseat and yanks his pants down to his hips. I climb back on top of him. “God, Karma…I dreamt about this moment every night.”

  He grabs my hips with both hands, impaling me while I gasp at the fullness I’ve missed so much. I know this will be quick and dirty, and I welcome it, moving up and down as fast as I physically can.

  That euphoric feeling ignites me inside as I tumble over the edge, while Braden captures my cry with his mouth, kissing me senseless. In just moments, I feel his body tense up as he finds his release also. We are both a sweaty mess but we cling to each other regardless, not caring about the heat.

  Our hearts beat so fast as our chests press together. Braden strokes my hair, whispering in my ear, “You’re my world, Karma. I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too,” I huff out between breaths. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

  He pulls me away from him so he can look at me. “It’s so good to be home…to see this face.” Peppering my cheeks with kisses, he eyes me after each one, speaking to me with no words needed.

  Lifting my hand to his cheek, his eyes catch the ink on my wrist, grabbing it and turning it inward to get a better look. “What’s this?”

  Trying to gauge his reaction, I shrug, saying, “It’s a souvenir from my trip.”

  “That’s a pretty damn permanent souvenir, wouldn’t ya say?” He looks at it again, his thumb tracing the edges of the lotus flower. “Aren’t you full of surprises?” I see the gleam in his eyes as he kisses the bloom of my flower, holding his gaze steady with mine, smirking beneath the kiss. “It’s pretty sexy though.”

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I bury my face just beneath his ear, his arms tight around my waist. I don’t know how long we stay like that, but I’m almost asleep when I feel him stir. “I’ve got to get home, Karma, but I don’t want to leave you.”

  Feeling guilty because I know how tired he must be, I say, “I know but you need to sleep. I can see how tired you are.” My hands hold his beautiful face as I gently kiss him. “We can catch up tomorrow.”

  I slowly climb off of him and put my lounge pants back on as Braden yanks up his shorts and fastens them. I hold my hand out to him and he takes it, lifting himself up and we walk in silence to his car.

  “Call me as soon as you get up, okay?” I brush the hair off his forehead, knowing I don’t want to lose the contact of his touch.

  “I will.” He stares into my eyes and can’t quit smiling at me. “I can’t believe I’m finally touching you.”

  I close my eyes, loving the feel of his hands on my skin. “I will always crave your touch,” I tell him. “Always.”

  He kisses me slow and sweet, his lips caressing mine in a firm but gentle hold. I pull away and laugh. “The sooner you get home, the sooner we’ll be able to see each tomorrow.”

  He sighs heavily and says, “I know…I know. It’s so damn hard to leave you.” I pull away from our embrace so he can get in his car.

  Slowly opening the door, he gets in and rolls down his window. I lean in and tell him, “Please be careful driving home, okay?”

  “I promise. I’ll call you later.” He gives me a chaste kiss, and I walk back to the sidewalk as he starts up his car. He winks at me as he pulls out into the street, into the blackness of the night. I’ve got to keep telling myself I’ll see him in a few hours, the day he drove away from me still in the forefront of my mind.

  * * *

  Waking up around eight to the sound of my phone ringing, the corners of my mouth tug upward, even before my eyes open, knowing it’s Braden. I barely get the phone to my ear when I hear, “Get your hiking gear on – we’re taking a day trip to the Rockies,” he tells me, “I’ve missed my home state more than I care to admit.”

  Relishing the thought of spending all day long with him, I swing my legs over the side of my mattress, pushing to my feet. “I’ll be ready. Get here as soon as you can.”

  A low rumble travels through the phone, sending shivers under my skin. He already sounds so much more like my Braden instead of the tightly wound competitor I’ve been talking to on the phone the past few weeks.

  Ending the call, I quickly jump in the shower, washing away last night’s escapade on my back porch. Tingles travel over my body, re-living every moment from the instant our touches were reunited until the moment he drove away. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed his heated contact until the second I was in his arms again. I will never tire of being held by him. My chest expands at the mere thought of Braden back in my driveway as I hurry the soapy sponge across the surfaces of my body, wanting to be finished five minutes ago.

  Leaving the bathroom in my fluffy wrap-around towel, I get dressed in record time, racing around to find my hiking boots. My hair ends up on top of my head in a messy bun, unwilling to take the time for anything else. I’m hoping today doesn’t consist of talk about UCLA or my joining him in California. As much as I need to talk to him, I don’t want it to be today. We need time to re-connect, just to be. My stomach rolls at the thought of sharing my news, guilt cascading over me as my acceptance into Brooks brings on a whole new chapter in my life, one that’s sure to cause more grief than I care to imagine. Shoving the thought aside, I find my boots under my bed, the absolute last place I look.

  As I descend the stairs, I hear Braden pull into our driveway, my pulse quickens as I grab my jacket in anticipation of the chillier evening weather that always accompanies mountain exploring, making a mental note to text my mom and let her know I’ll be with Braden all day. He’s just climbed out of his SUV as I bound out the door, practically running to his side. His face lights up when he sees me, sweeping me up as soon as I’m within reach. Pressing his lips to mine, his strong arms wrap around my waist, my feet no longer touching the ground. Instant warmth travels throughout my insides, the radiant sunny day ha
ving nothing to do with the inner heat I feel. “Perfect timing,” he tells me. “You ready for a fun day?”

  “Yes.” My answer is nothing but a breathless rush of air.

  Grinning, he walks to the passenger door, opening it and standing aside to let me get around him. “I packed us a cooler, but I cheated and stopped at Jimmy Johns on the way. Got your favorite – number six.” He gives me a quick peck before closing my door, my smile being the only confirmation he needs. A content sigh escapes me as I watch him round the front of the car, hardly believing he’s physically back in my universe.

  Pulling his sunglasses over his clear, gray eyes, he turns over the engine, twisting his body to reverse the car back down the drive. “I checked the weather – nothing but blue skies and sunshine.” He winks at me and I feel it all the way to my toes, the ones tapping inside my shoes to contain all of the maddening emotions swirling throughout my head when my eyes land on a UCLA parking sticker on the inside corner of his windshield. I quickly shift my gaze, extinguishing any chance of him noticing my apprehension as we head out of my subdivision.

  The drive to the Rockies takes us about two and a half hours, most of which is filled with Braden telling me about some teammates he’s bonded with over his weeks of training, even the guys he’s not so crazy about. I fill him in on more details of my trip, one’s I haven’t shared over the phone, trying to steer clear of college talk.

  Our hands have remained palm to palm, fingers entwined, ever since we left my house, Braden rubbing his thumb over my skin absent-mindedly. “You haven’t asked much about UCLA,” he points out, his brows rising just over the rim of his sunglasses.

  My throat imitates the texture of cotton balls as I struggle to deflect his comment. “Um, I just thought we could leave talk of college for another day,” I say, hoping he doesn’t feel the slight tense in my body. Widening my smile, I tell him, “I just want today to be about you and me…us. With no outside intrusions or distractions. We deserve that, don’t you think?”

  Understanding flickers across his face. “Yeah. I get it.” He squeezes my hand, a sign of further acknowledgment, relief washing over me. As I turn my head to watch the scenery fly by through my window, I wonder how long I can keep him at bay, avoiding talk of our future. Not once since I’ve made my decision have I thought it was a mistake. I’ve felt empowered by it, knowing it will only make Braden and me stronger when we forge our way into the real world together – doing what we love. I can’t imagine Braden not pursuing soccer in some form, and I hope he shares my logic, backing me all the way. A slight shiver runs through me, knowing how he’s not one to alter his path once he’s laid out his plan. He’s like a compass needle to a magnet, never veering in the slightest.

  “You cold, babe?” Braden releases my hand, reaching for the A/C dial, turning it down. “Better?”

  I nod, letting him believe he’s just corrected my discomfort.

  If only it were that easy…

  My head pops up when I realize the car has stopped. “Did I fall asleep?”

  Braden smiles at me. “Lost you back somewhere near Thornton.” He traces his finger along my cheek, pushing back hair that fell from my hair tie. “You’re really cute when you sleep. Your nose crinkles up sometimes. Did you know that?”

  Without thinking, my hand touches my nose, my head shaking in answer to his question. Sitting up straighter, I look around, noticing the sign indicating we’re at the Bear Lake Trailhead. I turn to Braden, who watches me intently. “I love this hike.”

  “Me too. I figured we’d hike through to Dream Lake. Come on, I need to load up my backpack.” He turns to get out of the car. I love Dream Lake. My parents have taken me hiking here often and each time it’s like I’ve never laid eyes on it, simply breathtaking. I get out and meet Braden at the back of the car. He’s putting waters in his backpack, laying our sandwiches on top. Closing the hatch, he asks, “Ready?”

  “Yep.”

  Grabbing my hand, Braden leads us to the beginning of the trail, wildflowers surrounding us in abundance, vivid shades of red, yellow, purple and white. A Mountain Bluebird catches my eye, his vibrant coloring a bright contrast to the green background of the tree branch he rests on. His soft warbling carries over the breeze as if to greet us, welcoming us to his home. I breathe in the fresh, clean air, hearing Braden do the same as if he’s rejuvenating his mind and body. “This is just what I need…this and my girl beside me. Doesn’t get much better.”

  His lips brush across mine just before some fellow hikers pass by us, and I silently agree with him.

  We take our time getting to Dream Lake, stopping at Bear Lake to appreciate the view. Once there, I quickly remember why it’s one of my favorites, the water reflecting its surroundings like a mirror image. The pines create a perfect border around the water, the mountains dwarfing them in comparison.

  Braden slides his backpack off, resting it on one of the many large boulders surrounding us. Taking our sandwiches out, he hands me mine as I sit down beside him. I need to catch my breath a little after the trek in, although I notice Braden isn’t even winded. Chalk that up to his training.

  “See anything like this out on the road?”

  I shake my head, smiling at him. “No. I saw a lot…but nothing like this.” My eyes travel across the lake and back to Braden. He’s watching me closely, focusing on every aspect of my face.

  “It’s scary how much I missed you.” His hand reaches up to the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him, his eyes darting to my lips before closing the distance, kissing me as if making up for lost time. It’s the kiss that belongs in a bedroom, the kiss that leads to more…much more. Stopping himself, he pulls away, knowing we can’t take it to much more out here. He smiles, almost embarrassed. “Almost forgot where we were.”

  I grab his hand, giving it a little squeeze. “I’m so happy you’re home.”

  And there it is, that thunderous, looming guilt, coursing through me, desperately seeking its escape. Knowing we must rely on stolen weekends together, not walking across campus to see each other. I can’t stand this ticking time bomb inside of me.

  “Hey…are you okay?”

  Berating myself knowing Braden misses nothing, I quickly recover, pushing such thoughts aside, refusing to allow them to muddy up our perfect day. “I’m fine, Braden. More than fine. Today is perfect. Thank you for bringing me here.”

  Beaming, he says, “You’re welcome. I’d do anything for you.”

  Handing me my sandwich, I eat my number six while Braden eats his number two in perfectly comfortable silence on this perfectly comfortable day.

  chapter thirty

  July 2008

  Having gotten through yesterday with no talk of colleges, I’m wondering how much longer I can put it off. Braden is too perceptive and I’m a horrible actress. My insides are on fire, knowing what I have to do today.

  To soften the blow, I resort to making his favorite cookies while I’m waiting for him to come over, thanking the gods that it’s a weekday and my parents are at work.

  I’ve just set the second batch on the counter to cool when I hear Braden come through the front door. I throw the pan down and hurry to the entryway.

  I take the sight of him in. He looks like a model standing there with his shades on top of his head, and I’m just now noticing that his hair has been lightened by the California sun, and his tan intensifies the gray in his eyes. His tight, toned body is equally noticeable, but I already discovered that.

  He smirks at me, knowing I’m checking him out. “Something smells good.” His eyes travel to the oven mitt on my hand. “Baking?”

  I grin and he pulls the mitt off, noticing the new addition to my body from my trip. Pulling it up to his lips, he gently wipes his lips across it, just like he did the other night.

  “Come on,” I tell him. “I made your favorite.” He follows me into the kitchen, grabbing a cookie off the cooling rack while I rinse the cookie sheet, placing it in the dishwasher
.

  I feel him behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his mouth at my ear. “I want to tell you all about UCLA.” My stomach drops as I attempt to turn in his arms, knowing it’s now or never.

  I press my lips to his then take his hand, leading him into the family room. He sits on the couch and I take a seat beside him with a heavy heart. His face lights up as he says, “I found the dorm where you’ll be staying and it isn’t too far from mine, so that’s good. I’ve scouted out all the best places to eat and which coffee shops are best. Oh, and I can’t wait to show you the botanical gardens.”

  He sits back and turns. “You’re just going to love it, Karma.”

  I remain quiet for too long, Braden picking up on my lack of response.

  Holding my chin between his fingers, he lifts my head, forcing me to look at him. “What’s going on, Karma? I’ve been picking up weird vibes from you.”

  I try to swallow the huge lump in my throat before I begin. “Braden…I need to talk to you about something…and I need you to really listen – ”

  He bolts from the couch, his fists clenching. “Did something happen between you and Jeremy?” I lift my head and he looks hard into my eyes, waiting for my answer.

  “What? No! How could you think that? Please…sit down.”

  He relaxes and slowly sinks back down into the cushion, running his hands through his hair. I take a huge breath and say, “I need for you to listen and not interrupt until I’m finished, okay?”

  Reluctantly, he nods, wiping his palms across the tops of his thighs.

  “It’s just while I was gone, I discovered what I want to study in college.”

  “Oh…okay. Well, what did you decide?” he asks, confused about where the conversation is headed.

  “I want to specialize in photography…I want to go to a school that does nothing but that.” The expression that crosses his face guts me as he realizes what I’m trying to say so I quickly continue. “I’ve got to follow my dreams just like you’re following yours. Braden, all of my decisions about college were made for me, not by me, and it’s my fault for letting that happen. What I’m trying to say is…that I can’t follow you to UCLA.”