The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  They may even become aggressive, if only to make themselves feel more in control again. That’s where the bullying comes in. If you feel “on the edge” or left out or hurt, it isn’t your fault. Period. You didn’t ask for it, and you don’t have to just take it. But if there are things you are doing, social “rules” you are breaking without meaning to—don’t you want to know? There may be some things you can do to keep everyone more comfortable in the first place. You’re not to change who you are. Ever. For anyone. You’re just going to learn some of the “NT customs” to make your life in NT world a bit easier.

  The (Secret) Book

  Right after I was diagnosed, I started writing a rule book. It began as a tool for myself that I assembled by watching “people patterns.” I noticed that, taken up close, the NT world wasn’t quite as random as I’d thought. In fact, there seemed to be trends…actual rules that could be inferred by careful study.

  If there wasn’t a rule book for the “obvious” things, I’d have to write one. And for good measure, I’d try to figure out the beliefs behind the rules—if only to understand the logic and make the idea stick. We Aspies are big on logic. Give us the reason and we will follow the rule, even if it doesn’t come naturally. But if we see no point, well, that’s going to be a lot tougher.

  So, I found myself a blank notebook and wrote down some “apparent” rules. I was my own test case. And lo and behold, the “rules” worked. No, the responses weren’t huge celebrations or applause. I knew they worked when NTs didn’t realize I was doing anything at all. When I, like a cloaked, undercover Aspie spy, infiltrated the everyday NT world and flew (mostly) under the social radar. Instead of ruffled feathers or hurt feelings, there was calm and respect. The (Secret) Rule Book was born.

  Almost immediately after I started writing, my kids wanted their own version of the rules. In particular, my daughter pointed out, when I explained the rule to her I always illustrated it with a story. So those had better be included. I don’t think it hurt, by the way, that usually the story involved me (aka Mom) in a less-than-fabulous-often-humiliating moment. I get it. No one likes to feel preached at. Aesop used animals to take the sting out of his lessons. I am about to use a whole boatload of embarrassing stories.

  Now, they belong to you, too. Pieced together from careful observations (and a whole lot of mess-ups), these are some of the most important “NT rules” that Asperkids need to know.

  What’s Ahead

  • 138 Need-to-Know Rules in Bullet Points for you to peruse and go back to for reminders whenever you want.

  • 31 mini-chapters about those Need-to-Knows; NT rules don’t make sense to us without explanation, so this is where I do the NT-to-Aspie translating for you.

  • Stickies are super-short, sticky-note-sized pointers that didn’t need more explaining, but they sure needed to be said.

  • Practice Sessions are six comic strips where you can see our detective work in action.

  • Stick a Fork in It and Resources You Will Actually WANT to Use are how I am going to send you out into the world, feeling proud, ready and AWESOME.

  Every single “hidden” or “secret” rule is something I wish someone had told me when I was younger—something I teach my own Asperkids, and am so excited to share with you, too. I’m not promising a life of perfect sailing, sunshine, puppies and lollipops. You may think you’re got a “rule” down pat, then one or two things change and you feel like you’re back to square one. It’s OK. That’s true even for NTs, I promise.

  Some rules may seem easy to you. Others won’t. Use this book in pieces, take your time, and forgive yourself if you mess up. We all mess up. If you want perfect, you won’t find it in this book. What you will find is a lot of honesty from me to you. And a whole lot of embarrassing stories—my own. Listen, I’m older than you, but I’m an Aspie, too. I’m not about to preach to you like I have absolutely everything perfectly together. I figure, if you’re going to put yourself out there and bravely listen to what I have to say, then you at least deserve to laugh at some of my own cringe-worthy moments.

  The honest truth is that you also may not agree with a particular “rule” or social expectation. I remember once writing an entire history essay about why I felt the essay question itself was wrong. That’s where the idea of “it is what it is” comes in. Sometimes a rule just is. And there is your choice. You can say, “Whatever,” and walk away…as long as you are willing to accept the consequences. Otherwise, it is what it is. Like it or not, the rule’s the rule.

  Aspie Forever

  Most importantly, do not try to be something or someone you are not. Ever. Remember what I said about my always feeling like a “poser,” a fraud? That’s a horrible way to live. These rules aren’t going to turn you “poof!” into an NT. Which is a good thing. Being an Asperkid isn’t something to hide—actually, it’s something to laugh about and even be proud of. It puts you in the company of minds like Thomas Edison, Bill Gates, Marie Curie.

  Information, more often than not, brings about understanding. My kids and I have found being honest about who we are and how we operate is the way to go. You may want to ask your psychologist to speak to your class about Aspergers. About how it’s just a different way brains can work—no better or worse, just different. You know: how we’re great at staying focused on something that’s important to us, but otherwise may be a bit scattered or need our space. My daughter’s therapist came to speak in her class, and the students (and teachers) really appreciated it. The kids even called her “brave,” and shared stories about Aspies in their own families.

  If kids react well to learning about Aspergers, they’re the kind you want around you. If they are anything less than kind, then you’re better off spending your time elsewhere anyway. You deserve that kind of respect, too. “Pretending to be normal” is not only exhausting, it’s sad. So, be who you are without apologies, and use the rules to help you get along the best you can with the NTs around you.

  Whatever you decide about “telling” or not, it’s your call. Just remember that these rules are not—I repeat NOT—about trying to pretend to be anyone other than you. They are about helping you—well, us—feel more confident in the friendships we make and the people we are. If you are Irish and move to the United States or vice versa, you are going to speak the same language, but always with a different accent. That’s like NTs who try to “get” Aspie. Or Aspies who work the hidden NT social rules. We never lose our identity. We just learn to communicate better. You don’t have to like everyone, and no matter what you do, everyone will not like you. We do, however, all need to learn to “play nicely” when life sticks us together. And it will continue to stick us together.

  After you’ve read this book, go back and read it again. Experience will keep handing you the same lesson over and over until you learn what you need to. Have you seen playgrounds where the ground is covered in cushiony, recycled rubber stuff? The world isn’t like that. It’s a lot more like old-fashioned blacktop. You will, at one time or another, trip and fall and skin your knee. You will make mistakes. What will you do? Sit there? Cry? Scream? What I want for you to do, instead, is to stand up, brush off the gravel, and keep moving. Fall down seven times, get back up seven times. And think of me as your helping hand—something to grab hold of to pull yourself up.

  My original rule book has a proverb printed on the cover. It reads, “Just when the caterpillar thought everything was all over, it spread its wings and became a butterfly.” There have been many times I wished I could crawl in a hole and hide. There are still some memories that make me flinch now, years later. Yet never did I, in fact, actually die of embarrassment. You are no different. Like that caterpillar, without a copy of the rules, we have no idea what to expect. But give us the playbook everyone else has, and we’ve got a chance to fly.

  If, in the end, you can’t remember any of the other rules that follow, please learn this one—write it out on a piece of paper, tape it to your bathroom mirro
r, whatever you need to do—just memorize it. From one (albeit grown-up) Asperkid to another:

  You are exactly who and how you were meant to be.

  You may make mistakes, but YOU are not a mistake.

  And the world is better already, just because you’ve arrived.

  Need-to-Knows

  The Unspoken Rules—In Bullet Points

  • Persistence means dedication even when you royally and publicly mess up.

  • Skill develops over time, not overnight.

  • Everything is hard before it becomes easy.

  • Failure hurts. But it’s the best way to learn.

  • When you feel trapped in your mistakes is exactly when you have to start getting creative.

  • Success is about what you do when—not if—you fail.

  • The biggest mistake you can make is being too afraid to make one.

  • Whenever you think you should say thank you, you probably should.

  • “Thank you” is a reward that encourages a particular behavior to continue.

  • Failing to recognize others’ words or actions makes us seem unappreciative.

  • “Notice, Tell, Thank” is the simple step-by-step process to letting people know they matter.

  • “Thank-Yous” come in different levels, and NTs will expect you to know which kind is right for each situation.

  • Sometimes, saying “thank you” is enough. Other times, more is expected.

  • “Notice, Tell, Thank” works in written thank-yous as well.

  • Written thank-yous can be sent as handwritten notes, e-cards and digital photo cards, or emails, depending on the type of note and who is receiving it.

  • Thank-you gifts are the way to go when someone does something extra special for you.

  • Never let your thank-you gift outshine the original gift.

  • “I’m sorry” don’t have to be the hardest words to say. But they are some of the most important.

  • Apologies don’t make one person a winner and the other a loser.

  • A good apology says what went wrong, which feelings got hurt, and what should’ve happened instead.

  • One mistake does not a friendship break.

  • Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting.

  • Being right isn’t always the most important thing, even when it feels that way.

  • How you correct an error (humbly, in private) is as important as whether you correct it.

  • Peers don’t like to be corrected by one another.

  • Unless there’s danger, never correct an adult or authority figure.

  • Knowing when, how or if you should point out someone’s mistake isn’t easy, but it is doable.

  • Wanting to be excellent is good. Wanting to improve is great. Wanting to be perfect is arrogant.

  • Perfectionism makes any amount of success worthless compared to a single failure.

  • Our perfectionism comes across to other people as annoying, smug superiority.

  • Other people want to be able to relate to you. No one can relate to “perfect.”

  • It can be hard to tell the difference between playful teasing, mean teasing and accidental hurts.

  • Aspies tend to take ourselves super-seriously. That’s not the same as being “too sensitive.”

  • Ask yourself: Do I trust the person who is teasing me? Would they really want to hurt me? Perhaps we’re mis-communicating.

  • Everyone wants to feel heard and to know that they matter.

  • Show what you know bit-by-bit so that everyone gets a chance to be heard.

  • To be interesting to other people, you first have to be interested in them.

  • You have to use your whole body to SHOW someone you are truly listening (remember: they can’t tell you are paying attention unless you SHOW it).

  • Reflective listening techniques help you stay focused and create strong connections with other people.

  • Compliments given to others aren’t insults to you.

  • Being able to give sincere compliments is the surest way to receive them.

  • Specific compliments are the strongest.

  • Graciously accept compliments with a simple smile and “thank you.”

  • Leaders listen to others’ ideas and respect them. Their minds are “flexible,” like wet spaghetti.

  • Being a rigid thinker (“my way is the only right way”) is like being uncooked spaghetti. You break (or break down) when you’re asked to change.

  • Change is the only thing that is certain.

  • If we can only handle the world as we expect it to be, we are going to snap, just like uncooked spaghetti.

  • “Small group work” is a lifelong experience—it doesn’t end after school does.

  • How you say something is as important as what you say.

  • Different doesn’t mean wrong. There is usually more than one way to solve a problem well.

  • Everyone feels that he or she is the most important, most interesting person in the world.

  • Don’t always say what you want to say or what you are feeling. Ask yourself what the other person might be feeling. And respond to that.

  • No one enjoys criticism, but nothing improves without it.

  • Black-and-white thinking (being uncooked spaghetti) can make it hard to really listen to a critique.

  • “Old wounds” from bullying may make criticism feel like an actual attack, even if no one is actually out to hurt us.

  • We have to be able to “hold the pillow” to learn and grow as people.

  • Criticism can bring you down. It can also build you up.

  • Diffuse criticism from people you don’t trust. Seek it out from people you do.

  • The more defensively you react to criticism, the more likely it is true.

  • Take a breath, “hold the pillow,” listen and learn.

  • Avoid giving criticism if you can.

  • If it is kind, true and necessary, you still have to package it well.

  • Stay positive and specific, and always offer a solution.

  • Critique ideas and actions rather than people.

  • Sandwich everything between sincere compliments.

  • NTs don’t always mean what they say, especially when asking for “honest” opinions.

  • NTs usually believe that lying is wrong UNLESS it is done to spare others’ feelings or make a good impression.

  • NTs tell “white” lies frequently—which is tough on Aspies, who take most everything at face value.

  • Be sure to only trust those who have earned your confidence. You’ll be taken advantage of otherwise.

  • Tact is knowing how, when, or whether to say what we are thinking.

  • Being honest isn’t the same as speaking every thought in your head.

  • Before speaking, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it good or kind? Is it useful or necessary?

  • Aspies take things literally—but NTs don’t speak literally. What they say and what they mean are not always the same thing.

  • It’s OK to get confused. We’re not hard-wired to understand language the way NTs use it.

  • Build yourself a team of trustworthy, patient NT “advisors.” You can check in with them if you feel confused about a social situation.

  • Aspies’ black-and-white extreme-kind-of-thinking often leads us to believe problems are MUCH bigger than they actually are.

  • We can go from Worry Level 1 to Worry Level 100 in a split second. This helps NOBODY, most especially ourselves.

  • Stop panicking. Breathe. Look at the steps in your “Chain of Catastrophe”—and ask “Why might this not happen?”

  • Empower yourself by imagining steps you can take to make things better.

  • All conflicts have history. The time to act is before meltdowns occur.

  • NTs don’t understand that we melt down because we are feeling overwhelmed.

  •
We must clearly communicate and problem solve when we are calm. No one listens when we yell.

  • Our bodies give us signals before a meltdown. Pay attention and choose to respond in a proactive way.

  • Anticipate sensory overload and use your coping skills to relax and re-direct your energy.

  • Tomorrow is another day.

  • “Hygiene” comes from the name “Hygeia,” the ancient Greek goddess of good health (best friend of the goddess of love and beauty).

  • To be healthy, you have to be clean.

  • NT world truth: people are going to judge you by how you present yourself.

  • Being messy sends NTs the message that you are disorganized and irresponsible.

  • Being clean makes you more pleasant to be around and more attractive to others.

  • Personal grooming should happen and be discussed in private.

  • Aspies’ mind-blindness keeps us from seeing boundaries between our ideas, feelings, bodies and possessions and other people’s.

  • Other people’s feelings are as real to them as yours are to you.

  • When we cross those invisible lines, we make NTs feel threatened, violated or offended.

  • To protect themselves from further discomfort, they push “outsiders” away.

  • Learning where NTs’ boundaries are will help keep them comfortable around us and treating us well.

  • The NT world has lots of “invisible” boundaries around friendships.

  • You need to know exactly what a friend is, not just what a friend isn’t.

  • Carefully and purposefully choose the people in your life.

  • Friendships aren’t perfect because people aren’t perfect. Even true friends make mistakes sometimes.

  • A worthwhile friendship is one which makes you feel good about being you.

  • NTs see friendship in levels. Knowing them helps us to know who to trust and how much to trust them.