The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules

by Jennifer Cook O'Toole

  • Re-direct rationally: Aspies are great with logic, except when we’re not in charge. The truth is that the world isn’t fair, and it’s most certainly not starring me or you. So give the issue at hand the importance it deserves—but no more than it deserves.

  Let’s review—because while this sounds like common sense, no-brainer stuff, when you are upset, it’s very, very hard to do.

  To Slam the Brakes on Meltdowns

  • Talk about problems when everyone is calm. Listen to other people’s ideas.

  • Take your temperature and relax.

  • If your “P-waves” are rising fast, get away until you are calmed. Say, “I need some space; I’ll be back in (give a time frame).” Remember, though, you DO have to come back. That’s part of the deal and of growing up.

  • If you have some time before thermal meltdown occurs, take a few slow breaths and use those communication and listening skills to ask for help solving the problem. “I feel (blank) about (blank). I want (blank). How do you feel?”

  • Get past the impulse to lash out or crumble. Remind yourself, “It’s not all or nothing.” Don’t give away your power or dignity by losing your composure. Instead…

  • Take charge. Choose to see your rising emotional thermometer as a signal to USE COPING SKILLS NOW (get space, take a nap, move your body, fidget, read a journal, take deep breaths, practice yoga, go for a run or walk, punch a punching bag, squish clay, read, draw/doodle/color, listen to music, etc.).

  • When you are calmer, give the issue the attention it deserves—no more and no less. And remember, if you discover you did lose it, the mature, brave, humble thing to do is to take a step back and say, “You know what? I was being ridiculous. Can we try that again?”

  You have every right to feel however you feel. I just don’t want you to let the way you show those feelings get in the way of people listening to you. In the last scene of the classic book and movie, Gone With the Wind, Scarlett O’Hara—ever the procrastinator—is huddled on the floor as she wipes away her own tears. Her family is gone, her land and money lost, and her only love has just walked out on her. But (cue dramatic orchestral music) she looks to the camera, chin up and eyes glistening. She can muster one more ounce of strength, she will go on, defiantly proclaiming, “After all, tomorrow is another day!” Skip the hoop skirts and melodramatic tunes, but do take a lesson from Miss Scarlett. When you feel like you, too, have found your world to be quite lacking in comparison to what you expected, remember to reframe, relax and re-direct. Tomorrow is another day. And there will be more apple juice tomorrow.

  Quotealicious

  - 21 -

  The Science of a Greek Goddess

  Hygeia, Aphrodite and Why They Were Such Good Pals

  Need-to-Knows

  • “Hygiene” comes from the name “Hygeia,” the ancient Greek goddess of good health (best friend of the goddess of love and beauty).

  • To be healthy, you have to be clean.

  • NT world truth: people are going to judge you by how you present yourself.

  • Being messy sends NTs the message that you are disorganized and irresponsible.

  • Being clean makes you more pleasant to be around and more attractive to others.

  • Personal grooming should happen and be discussed in private.

  Asperkid Logic

  If you sneeze in Spain, expect someone to say, “¡Salud!” or “Good health!” Instead of “Cheers!” in Italy, families raise their glasses and say, “Salut!” They are toasting health, life, well-being. In French, “sain” describes a healthy person and his lifestyle. All three words come down through the centuries from the name of a Roman goddess, Salus. In Greek, her name was Hygeia, the Greeks’ goddess of good health (of the mind and body), and dearest friend of Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty. So closely did she bind the ideas of wellness, health and cleanliness that her very name became our English word, “hygiene.”

  Hygiene means “good health” because of its namesake, the goddess Hygeia; it isn’t a rating of how perfectly combed your hair is or isn’t. What’s with the history lesson? “Hygiene” is one of those words that makes teens squirm. That’s especially true for Aspies, who may have had their “hygiene” questioned at one time or another. But the link between good health and being clean isn’t new (Ancient Greece!), and this isn’t some sneaky way of picking on Aspies. I’m NOT here to judge you or your individual fashion choices, either—I don’t care if you prefer preppy, Goth, grunge, or if you could not possibly care less about brand-names. We’re not talking fashion—we’re talking health.

  Any book of social rules would mention personal grooming habits. They’re that important. For Aspies, though, the issue gets more complicated, thanks to sensory issues and that “theory of mind” (thinking about you thinking about me) stuff. Sensory-wise, washing, trimming and perfuming are not always easy. And perspective-wise, we’re less likely to realize that how NTs see our hygiene affects our lives. So I’m going to tell you the truth about your body, and why it is no accident that Hygeia and Aphrodite were so buddy-buddy.

  Trust me: this Hygeia rule is meant to guarantee you good physical and mental health. No taking anything personally, people. No one is criticizing you. It’s just that I care about you. I want life to be the easiest for you that it possibly can be. I don’t want you to be teased or bullied. And if I don’t tell you this stuff, someone else will—but probably behind your back in a not-so-nice way.

  Hygeia Says…

  There’s no debating this point: being clean makes you and those around you healthier. It also makes you nicer to be around, which shows thought and respect for others. This, I would point out, is why Hygeia and Aphrodite were probably such good friends. The goddess of love is not going to encourage folks to snuggle up to a smelly person.

  You + Clean =

  A You Who is Pleasant-to-be-Around and Much More Attractive

  (Wink! Wink!)

  Head to Toe(s): Let’s Make It Happen

  Alright. The personal grooming goal is to be an acceptably, healthy, non-smelly member of society. Here are some how-to’s:

  Where?

  Grooming (brushing, trimming, clipping, shaving, washing, combing, flossing, putting on make-up) happens in a bathroom, or maybe at a bedroom mirror. Grooming should not ever take place in a public room (living room, kitchen, etc.) and most especially never near where people prepare or eat food.

  With Whom?

  Because it has to do with your body, grooming is a private issue. It is discussed with professionals (stylists, doctors) or people you know well (parents, close friends) in privacy, too, not in school or with others able to listen.

  Clothes

  Hygiene-wise, you need clean clothes—meaning fresh underwear and clothing that isn’t stained, wrinkled or smelly.

  Hair

  It turns out the answer to how often you should shampoo your hair is a bit debatable. Some experts say daily, others say less so. In Western cultures, oily hair is thought to be the same as dirty hair, and a dirty scalp is like a fairground for bacteria. So you choose—wash daily or every other day. Use a dandruff shampoo if you need it. And if you have longish hair, use a conditioner after washing. Guys and girls should both comb or brush your hair thoroughly each day, and you may even want to try a styling product (like gel or mousse) to keep it under control. Last, have your hair trimmed every 6–8 weeks maximum, even if you’re growing it out (more often if you’re not). Well-cut hair is the healthiest hair.

  Nails

  Keep ’em washed, clipped (weekly), filed and clean, with cuticles trimmed. This goes for toes, too. You’ll prevent hangnails, a nail fungus (like athlete’s foot) and skin infections. Wash them after every bathroom visit. Girls—pedicures and manicures make this stuff easy; someone else does the work for you. And if you do use polish, keep it fresh or take it off.

  Breath

  Want to hear something nasty? Bad breath is caused by bacterial wastes whic
h contain the same acids as you can find in decaying meat and sweaty feet. Ewwww. It’s also really bad for your social life. So, brush your teeth AND tongue (the hangout for 90% of the bacteria in your mouth) twice a day. Use flossers if you don’t like regular floss, and try an antibacterial mouth rinse. Chewing sugar free gum during the day helps, too.

  Body Odor

  When the bacteria that hang out in the warm, moist regions of your body break down fatty sweat, it stinks. Nice, huh? That’s body odor, or BO. And if you don’t think people notice it—you are very, very wrong. They will, and they will treat you as if you are dirty and gross. I’ve seen it happen to kids, and the worst part is that it is totally preventable. So, please:

  • Shower daily.

  • Use a combination antiperspirant/deodorant.

  • Repeat the process after you’ve had a sweaty workout.

  • Use moist towelettes in the restroom if you prefer—just be sure to get yourself thoroughly clean.

  • Try using body powders containing corn starch; they absorb moisture, and can prevent odor and itching.

  Perfume/cologne

  A nice scent is lovely—but less is definitely more, and is never a replacement for antiperspirant/deodorant. You don’t want to overwhelm other people or bother someone’s allergies. Stick with light scents and use one or two spritzes maximum.

  Shaving

  Always, always, always use shaving lotion or cream and a sharp razor blade on warm, wet skin. If you don’t, expect your skin to feel like it’s on fire and develop lots of in-grown hairs. Shave in the direction the hair grows. Follow-up with a moisturizer every time.

  Eyebrows

  Keeping your facial skin clean includes tidying your brows (especially if you have any kind of monobrow happening). Trust me—it is more important than you realize. For first-timers, visit a salon or barber. They do this professionally, and will advise you on the best grooming method for you.

  Skin

  The most important things you do for your skin are to sleep well, drink lots of water, and wear sunscreen every day. Really. Besides that, you want to gently wash your face morning and evening with a face wash—NOT SOAP—meant for your skin type (they are in every drugstore for girls and guys). Gently rub your face with a washcloth to slough off dead skin cells (these are what get all clogged up with dirt and oil, and cause breakouts), and finish with an oil-free moisturizer. If you need it, use an acne cream, but never skip the moisturizer. Dry your skin out and it will produce MORE oil…and blemishes.

  Make-Up

  Ladies, you could have your make-up done in a department store or at a professional make-up counter the first time you’re ready to buy. Ask for a clean, natural look and have the artist teach you what he/she is doing. You don’t have to buy everything they are selling, but pay attention to the color choices, amount of product and method of application.

  The Look

  NT world truth: people are going to judge you by how you present yourself. And to most people, “clean” and “neat” mean the same thing. Think of it like a math equation:

  If “clean” = “neat,” then a neat appearance gives the impression of being clean, but a messy appearance gives the impression of being dirty.

  That’s why the NT world prefers “neat” to be part of your look. If you are trying to get a job and show up in wrinkled, frumpy clothes, I’d suggest you keep looking—you’re not going to get that job. The truth may be that you have a lot things going on in your mind, and remembering to iron your khakis wasn’t too high on the list. I hear that. Buy no-iron, wrinkle-free pants. In NT world (the world that admits you to schools and hires or fires you), “unkempt” or “messy” personal grooming says, “I’m irresponsible, disorganized, and dirty, and I don’t really care.”

  Notice, please: I didn’t say you are any of those things—I just said that they will think you are. And if you want a job, a date or a party invitation, what others think is true matters as much as what is true. The way in which you choose to present yourself to the world is sort of like your costume—your clothes, for example, didn’t fall out of the sky onto your body. At some point, you chose them from a store and put them on. Maybe you thought the T-shirt was funny. We could say, then, that your shirt tells the world about your sense of humor. Or maybe you colored your hair blue to shock people into leaving you alone (rather a common defense mechanism, actually). Whatever you do, just know that you ARE making choices and creating an image, even if you don’t think you are.

  How Do I Do “Neat and Clean”?

  Quick Wardrobe Tips for Guys and Girls

  If you want to work the “hygeia” angle, but still want to look young and trendy, go to the mall and COPY the outfits on the mannequins. Ask a salesperson to help. Remember: big-wig designers made up the display outfits. Use their know-how and turn yourself into their model. Same goes for magazine ads. Copy a look straight out of clothing catalogs, websites (J.Crew, Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister) or teen fashion magazines (Teen Vogue, Marie Claire). Order and wear with confidence—you’re working a professionally put-together outfit!

  Ask Them

  I had to ask my mom to buy me my first stick of antiperspirant. I was embarrassed to ask, of course—and even though I wasn’t smelly, I was the only one without a stick of “Secret” in my gym locker, so I felt babyish. A lot of times, adults don’t realize that their son or daughter is really growing up. They may buy clothes that are a little too juvenile or overlook toiletry items you want to try. I’m hoping that the adults in your life will get you what you need without you having to bring it up. But if they don’t, ask. I’m not saying this is easy—just that it’s important. And from one Aspie to another, if I did it, you can, too. It will be worth your while. The goddesses said so.

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  Traveling by Bubble

  Transparent Boundaries That Only NTs See

  Need-to-Knows

  • Aspies’ mind-blindness keeps us from seeing boundaries between our ideas, feelings, bodies and possessions and other people’s.

  • Other people’s feelings are as real to them as yours are to you.

  • When we cross those invisible lines, we make NTs feel threatened, violated or offended.

  • To protect themselves from further discomfort, they push “outsiders” away.

  • Learning where NTs’ boundaries are will help keep them comfortable around us and treating us well.

  Asperkid Logic

  Do you remember Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz? She was the beloved, sparkly one floating above the Munchkins’ heads. Not a bad ride. But we can’t all travel by bubble. Aspies can’t, anyway.

  I’ve noticed, however, that NTs do travel in bubbles. Sort of. They live, think, speak, touch and interact with one another as though they each move in individual bubbles. To NTs, personal boundaries are as obvious as the shiny surface of an actual bubble. But Aspies don’t see the edges of personal space. We just see the person.

  Where we end and others begin is something of a mystery for us, though we don’t stop to think much about it. Personally, I don’t feel as though I walk in a transparent bubble, but in a transparent self. I can’t imagine that there are ideas in my head or notions in my heart that everyone else can’t already KNOW just by looking at me. It’s like that Vulcan mind-meld thing from Star Trek. Touch me—heck see me—and everything I know is on display to you. I, like many other Aspies, hide nothing. We’re like open books. We’re the most loyal friends, not interested in two-timing anyone. We’re transparent. Who you see is who we are; we can’t keep up anything false or pretentious for long.

  With Aspies, who you see is who you get. What we don’t realize is—NTs are not like that. The person an NT presents to you is his or her own construction, bits and pieces of truth revealed strategically (and often bedazzled with an exaggeration or two) to create a public “image.” And because we can’t see the edges of our own ideas or the protective boundaries NTs build around themselves,
we constantly “pop bubbles.” We step over social lines, physically invade their space, blur private and public information and generally make NTs awfully uncomfortable.

  It’s Bigger than Space Invaders: It’s Bubble Blindness!

  It’s a well-known fact that Aspies have a hard time with personal space. You’ve probably heard that from teachers, counselors, other kids. “Keep your hands to yourself!” or “Dude, back up.” Speech and social skills counselors make a big priority of talking about “space invaders” and how you have to remember to leave an arm’s-length of space between you and someone else. I’ve heard it suggested to imagine traveling around in a bubble (Glinda again!) as a way to visualize the cue. And yes. It’s true—we do weird people out if we don’t respect their personal space. I’m not dissing that point.

  What I’m saying is there is a bigger picture. Our trouble isn’t personal space issues. It isn’t learning to communicate better. And it isn’t giving too much information (TMI) or misjudging levels of friendship. Those are all just symptoms of bubble blindness! Our trouble is that we can’t see borders between people or ideas. We can’t see clear edges where our “self” (our space, ideas, feelings, etc.) ends and another person’s begins.