by Sara Miller
“I wanted it. I wanted it all, Cade. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to wear his jersey and class ring. I wanted to go to dances and parties. I wanted to go to prom, wear a beautiful dress, ride in a limo—all the things I watched my friends do. But I didn’t get to . . .” she sucked in a breath and asked him flat out.
“Cade, why would none of the boys go out with me? Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Was I so very unattractive?” Years of insecurity walloped her but instead of crying like she normally did when facing these memories, she got mad. “No one, Cade. Not even a nerd or band geek. Tell me!” she demanded.
“I . . .” Cade rubbed the back of his neck. He looked down, not meeting her eyes.
She put a hand on his chest and felt his steady heartbeat. Leah kissed his cheek tenderly.
“Cade,” she said his name softly, as an encouragement. He looked up and sighed.
“You know, don’t you? I told you I was stupid.” He shook his head, looking off in the distance as if remembering. “After we broke up, I wasn’t over you. I was kicking myself for letting you go. You seemed so hurt, I thought you’d never take me back. And when I saw other guys starting to circle, I was so mad at myself that I took it out on them. It was only a couple guys, I swear, Leah. But with my reputation, word got around and well . . .” he shrugged.
Leah searched his face. She could see he was upset. He looked guilty and defeated. Always a tough guy, seeing him vulnerable got to her. She put her hand on his cheek. Cade closed his eyes and sighed.
“I’m so sorry, Leah. I ruined high school for you and I can’t fix it. It wasn’t on purpose, I swear. I never meant to make you unhappy. Do you believe me?” he looked up.
She thought quickly. Processing what he said now and what she remembered from back then, Leah felt a new clarity. She knew she needed to release the bitterness she felt toward her school days. She kissed him.
Cade broke the kiss, repeating his apology. Leah deepened the kiss. When he tried once more to speak, she bit at his lip. She wrapped her arms around his neck and wove her fingers in his hair, holding him to her. Cade responded eagerly, one hand on her butt and the other roaming her body. Her breath quickened.
As much as she’d always wanted this classic high school experience, a kiss under the bleachers with a boy who wanted her as much as she wanted him, Leah was a woman now. She wished they were somewhere more private. Somewhere they were less limited in what they could do. Yet it didn’t stop her.
“Hey you kids, break it up—it’s time to go!” An older grumbly voice broke through their moment. Leah looked up startled.
“Oh, I—” the older gentleman was even more shaken than she was. “Sorry, thought you were teens.” He winked. “Carry on.”
They watched as the man tipped his hat to them and quickly hobbled away.
Leah could not help it, she started to giggle. She looked at Cade’s indignant face and the giggles increased. Cade broke and joined her in laughter.
“Busted,” he said, still laughing. “Come on, let’s go.” He grabbed her hand and together they found the exit.
Once they’d cleared the main football field area, Cade lit a cigarette. They walked silently back to his truck several blocks away. People had already cleared out and the street where they parked was mostly deserted.
Standing by the truck, Cade ground out his smoke with his work boot before unlocking the doors.
“Let’s go home,” he whispered as he assisted her into the truck.
Cade soon had the heat blasting in the cab. She could still feel his hand on her butt as he’d helped her in. She could still taste his kisses on her lips. And she could still hear his words, “Let’s go home.”
Leah sighed and repeated the important word in her mind: home. Home with Cade. She couldn’t think of anything that would sound better. She wanted all this to be real. Leah wanted her life and home to be with Cade. If only. It made her incredibly sad.
She was overwhelmed by how much his simple words affected her and the amount of emotion they evoked. Leah could feel her heart beating. She knew the little piece she devoted to Cade oh so many years ago remained his.
And it had grown.
Chapter 20
Two weeks later, Leah was in a mood. Her period hadn’t started and she felt bloated and cranky. Times like this, she loathed her unexplained infertility even more. She often skipped several months in a row. One would think missing the curse would be a good thing, but it always left Leah out of sorts.
Her doctor had offered birth control multiple times in the past to keep her regulated but she always refused it. It would negate the purpose—she still prayed she would get pregnant. After all, she had done it once before . . . so maybe it was not too far-fetched to think it could happen again.
Leah sighed, feeling utterly defeated. It did not matter anymore. Maybe she should finally try the pill. After that one last time with Eric, the sex train had left the station, derailed the tracks, fell off a cliff, and gone out in a fiery inferno. Eric still called her babe, but she was sure it was nothing more than habit at this point. They now had zero physical contact. He’d even stopped the good night kiss on her head.
The only action she got now was with Cade. Leah smiled. Cade. Real life felt empty and miserable but her dreams with Cade continued to be emotionally rich and fulfilling.
In a recent dream, they had gone on an actual date: dinner and a movie. Sky babysat her brother, Leah dressed up, and Cade bought her flowers. It was very romantic.
Another time, she baked cupcakes for Liam’s seventh birthday. Both Cade and Liam tried to help. They made a delicious mess and a wonderful memory. She could still smell the sweet frosting and hear Liam’s giggles.
Sky, on the other hand, continued her teenager campaign. Leah wasn’t discouraged, though. Sky let her help with a math problem she was stuck on. Sure, the girl had called her a math dork but it sounded like good-natured teasing. Leah trusted they were moving forward.
Leah had more private time with Cade too. She vividly remembered several long nights in Cade’s bed. Leah blushed at those particular memories. Turns out, she really liked being on top.
Almost every night before bed, Leah would check her phone. Cade’s one-sided messages continued and she couldn’t stop herself from looking at them. It was the only piece of Cade she allowed herself in real life. Leah felt guilty. Guilty for not replying and guilty for keeping them. She treasured her dream memories and this little bit of evidence of them.
As she readied herself for bed, Leah anticipated tonight would probably be another dream night. She cuddled in, wondering what would be next.
♦
Leah could taste the pizza before she could smell it or feel it in her hand. She watched the room come into focus around her. One minute she was closing her eyes and the next she was eating pizza. Eating pizza on Cade’s couch. Sitting ridiculously close to him. Liam was sacked out on the floor watching a cartoon. Cade’s daughter was draped over the recliner chair, her pizza set off to the side because she was clearly a teen with a mission.
“But DAD!”
“No, Skyler. Ab-so-lutely NOT!” Cade’s jaw was clenched as he emphasized every syllable. If his tone did not scream that the discussion was over, his calling her Skyler instead of “Sky” did.
“So, what’d I miss?” Both father and daughter instantly turned to her. Sky’s displeasure didn’t change but Cade’s did. He smiled at her in a way that made her insides melt. Damn that man! Leah couldn’t help but smile back.
He slid his arm around her and gave her a tight squeeze. And when that was not enough, he leaned in and kissed her lips, greasy pizza and all. Mmm, he tasted delicious. And it wasn’t just the pizza. She wanted to gobble him up. Clearly her mind was headed in the wrong direction. Again. She had that problem a lot when she was with Cade. So she focused back to the disagreement.
“What’s the matter?” she posed the question directly to Sky.
“I want to get my nose pi
erced and Dad said no.”
“Damn right I said NO!”
“You’re impossible! You don’t listen. You don’t care what I want!”
“Well, you are the kid and I am the dad and this conversation is over.”
Cade did not budge. He laid down the law and that was that. Leah could feel how rigid his body was next to hers. The intensity of his opinion was backed by more than just his words. A quick peek at Sky confirmed she had come to the same conclusion. She sat with her legs up, arms wrapped around them, as if holding herself together. Her pizza lay completely abandoned. She wiped a tear from her eye and stared at the TV. After a few minutes, she quietly got up and left the room.
“Hey, your food!” Cade called after her but Sky ignored him.
“I got it,” Leah jumped up and grabbed the plate. Whisking it off to the kitchen before Cade could bellow. From the looks of it, Sky had only taken a few bites out of one of the two pieces on her plate. She checked the pizza boxes to be sure. This was not good. The entire Emerson family loved pizza. If Sky didn’t eat, she was really upset. She wrapped the plate and put it in the fridge.
Leah felt bad. She was sorry she asked, since apparently she had made things worse. She was hoping to hear more of the story, not just another version of them yelling at each other. She and Sky were not very close yet, but there was something about the girl that was drawing her in. She hoped she would get a chance to talk more with her later. For now though, she had pizza and Cade: a delicious combo!
Liam had other ideas. He had stolen her spot on the couch.
“Hey!” she made a fake pout and Liam giggled. It was proving impossible to ever be truly upset with Liam and his sweet nature.
“I’m keeping your spot warm!” He gave her a cheeky grin so reminiscent of his father that it made her heart hurt. While Sky was the epitome of teenage girl in all its glory, Liam was one of the smartest, sweetest, most creative seven-year-olds she had ever encountered. He jumped up to give her back her seat, then climbed onto her lap before she could barely get settled.
Somehow she managed to finish her pizza while snuggled together with Liam and Cade on the couch. With a belly full of food, Liam was practically falling asleep as the program was ending. Cade roused the boy for bedtime.
“G’night, Miss Leah.”
His sleepy voice was so precious. She gave him a quick hug before Cade led him out of the room. Leah sat back and listened to the distant sounds of their nightly routine: brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, and picking out a bedtime story. She loved the rumble of Cade’s voice as he read. Not a perfect read-aloud voice, but one of a determined father who loved enough to read out loud even if it was not his best skill.
As she listened, she heard the click of a door. Sky emerged from her room and was startled to see Leah.
“I didn’t know you were still here.” Sky looked hungrily toward the kitchen, then indecisively back at the hallway, the path to the safety of her room.
“Hungry? I can warm up your pizza for you if you want,” Leah offered.
The teen was more than capable of doing things for herself but Leah had the impression that with the almost nine-year age difference between siblings and only one parent, Sky probably did more than her share. Leah just felt the need to love on her.
“Sure.”
The answer was accompanied by a simple shrug, but Leah took it at face value. Sky had no problem speaking her mind, a trait she probably inherited from both sides of her gene pool. So if she was saying yes, in any form, it was probably legitimate.
Leah followed her into the kitchen and busied herself with the pizza while Sky took a seat at the island. She got out a fry pan and turned on the burner on the stove. When the pan was hot, she slid both pieces into it and waited for them to begin to sizzle.
“Um . . .” Sky was clearly skeptical.
“Trust me. You’ll never microwave it again! Well, you probably will, but you’ll remember this way was better. The oven is best, but who has time for that, right?” Leah laughed nervously. They were both silent for several minutes before Leah asked, “Want to talk about it?”
“Not much to say,” another shrug. “I want to get my nose pierced and Dad freaked the—he freaked out. End of story.”
“Maybe,” Leah also shrugged. She checked on the pizza and saw the cheese was beginning to melt. A few seconds later she slid it onto the plate and handed it over. “Careful, it’s hot.” Leah handed Sky a napkin and a clean fork, remembering the girl often ate her pizza that way.
“Thanks.”
The beginning of a genuine smile flitted across the girl’s face before it just as quickly faded away. Looking at Sky, it was clear that Cade’s ex-wife was a beauty. While Liam took after Cade, Sky must take after her mother. Again, except in the eyes. Skyler had her father’s eyes. Eyes that looked into Leah’s soul just like Cade did.
“You don’t really wanna hear about this.”
It was a statement and a question. Maybe even a little bit of a challenge. Leah considered before answering, giving Sky time to eat a few bites of her food.
“Actually, I do.”
“You were right about the pizza, so I guess I’ll give this a shot too.” Teen logic at its best.
Between bites, Sky laid out her thoughts and Leah was impressed. She was not Sky’s parent. She did not want to undermine Cade’s authority. But she also felt it was very clear that father and daughter needed to have a real discussion.
“Well?” Sky had finished her story and her pizza. She looked at Leah expectantly.
“Well what?” Cade startled them both by entering the kitchen at that moment. He went directly to Leah and wrapped his arms around her from behind, squeezing her to him. “I’m glad you are still here,” he whispered. She squeezed back reassuringly.
“I think we need to talk.”
“Uh-oh, that’s my cue!” Sky hopped down to leave.
“Sky, wait . . .” Leah called out and thankfully the teen listened. “I mean, you, me and your dad. Mostly you and your dad.”
Cade released her and was glowering. “Oh, stop it,” she kissed him briefly on the lips. “Both of you sit,” she pointed to the island.
And amazingly they sat. They mostly faced each other but they each kept an eye on Leah too. “The rules are that you both actually talk and you both actually listen. I don’t have a side or get a vote, but I am here to make sure you both hear each other. Deal?” They nodded. She started with Cade.
“Cade, other than the fact that Sky is your baby girl, what is your objection to a nose ring?”
She watched him think. She loved that she could watch him think. Some people give nothing away on their face, but Cade did.
“Well, she is a child and I’m the dad . . .” Sky started to protest but Leah held up her hand to stop her and Cade both.
“Try again. Your ‘child’ is almost sixteen. She’s a teenager. Two years from being an adult. That’s not really that far. And I know what kind of decisions you were making at her age,” she gave him a knowing look. He gave her the look right back and tried again.
“I don’t want her to do anything permanent or anything she’ll regret. I don’t want it to cause her any harm or trouble. She’s a good kid—young adult,” he corrected, “and I want others to see that too. They may judge her if she has a nose ring. May judge me as a parent too. Being a single parent is hard enough. And what else? I don’t know, she’s just so beautiful the way she is! I don’t want her to wreck it. And I don’t want her to do something just because everyone else is. Herd mentality. She’s smarter than that.” He shot Leah a “how’s that” look.
She nodded and turned to Sky.
“Okay Sky, what did you hear your dad say?”
Sky wasn’t expecting the question. It was clear by her face that she had her list of objections and things she wanted to say already formed.
“Oh, um . . .” she considered her words, “Well, he said . . . he said he thinks I’m like, not old
enough to make this kinda decision. And he’s worried what people will think. And he said he thinks I’m pretty.” She looked her father directly in the eyes, “Do you really?”
Cade nodded. He cleared his throat before he spoke, “Beautiful, darlin’—inside and out.” His voice was heavy with love for his daughter.
Sky’s face lit up and she smiled a true smile. One Leah had rarely seen and she had to agree; Sky was beautiful. She gave father and daughter a moment before bringing them back to the conversation at hand.
“Anything else, Sky?”
“Yeah, he doesn’t even know why I want a nose ring. He said I want it ’cause my friends have one but no one does.”
Cade had his head down but it shot up when he heard his daughter. He looked at her then at Leah.
“And why do you want a nose ring? Can you explain? Your dad is listening,” she looked at Cade and he nodded. They watched Sky process the question and waited for her to give her answer. The resemblance to her father was more apparent as she thought it out.
“It’s kinda hard to explain but I’ll try.”
“Just tell him what you told me earlier. He’s not as stupid as he looks, he’ll get it,” Leah winked. Sky giggled and Cade pretended to be offended. It lightened the mood and Sky was able to find her words.
“I’m almost sixteen. I feel like I’m starting to get to know the real me. I mean, not totally yet, obvi.” It was clear she was being her true self with her teen lingo slipping out. “But like, I’m deciding who I am and what I like and when I was at cheer camp this summer I was talking with one of the assistant coaches and she had a nose piercing, a hoop, and—”
“No,” Cade interrupted.
Leah was at the point of intervening but Sky surprised them both.
“No, I agree! I hated the hoop! No hoop for me. But I looked around and took things in. Some girls wore too much makeup. Some had streaks of color in their hair. I even saw a couple tattoos,” she put up a hand before Cade could get a word out. “I don’t want a tattoo. Yet. Maybe someday but no time soon. Too permanent and too regrettable.”