The Life She Was Given

by Ellen Marie Wiseman

  “Is that a new draw?” she asked Merrick.

  “Yeah, Mr. Barlow thinks it’ll pique curiosity if the professor says we’re gonna unveil a freak in the ten-in-one that’s not advertised on the front of the show. For an extra charge of course.”

  “What is it?”

  “A half-and-half, the biggest drawing gaff ever to work a midway.”

  She gaped at him. “You mean a half man, half woman?”

  “Yup, but like you, it’s as phony as a three-dollar bill.”

  Lilly wondered briefly if pretending to be a half-and-half would be easier than lying to people about their late loved ones. But being a half-and-half meant showing your private parts to the rubes, and she wouldn’t want to do that either. She entered her tent and took her place in the chair. Merrick made sure Pierre had everything he needed inside the wardrobe, checked to make sure the “spirit baby” attached to the underside of the table was working, then went out to wait for the first list of names from Alana.

  A short time later, the entrance opened, the curtain pulled to the side, and the first rube came into the tent. Over the next few hours, Lilly pretended to speak to the dead while Pierre rang the bell or played the harmonica and tambourine inside the wardrobe. By noon, the inside of the tent felt like an oven and rivers of sweat dripped down her back. On her lunch break, she undressed in the dressing tent and rinsed off with a fresh bucket of water, making a mental note to thank Cole for it later. After her break, a bearded man in a newsboy cap, white shirt, and bow tie entered her tent and sat down, his hands in his lap. He was smirking, as if trying not to laugh. Lilly tensed, sensing trouble. The majority of the rubes who came in looked scared, nervous, or heartbroken. She’d never seen one this happy.

  “Sure is hot today,” the man said in a low, guttural voice. “And from what I hear it’s not letting up anytime soon!”

  “Yes, it is warm,” she said. Then she cleared her throat and began her pitch. “Hello and welcome. Before we begin, let me tell you a little bit about what I do. I’ve been communicating with the dead since the age of four and eventually came to realize I needed to share my gift. Messages from the beyond can come in the form of music, voices, and other sounds. What I’d like you to do now is close your eyes and think about the person you’re hoping to hear from. As you’re doing that, I will try to connect with the spirit world. I’ll ask you some questions, to which you must answer either yes or no. Are you ready?”

  The man grinned and said nothing.

  Then he leaned forward slightly and the candle flames flickered in his cobalt blue eyes. Lilly lowered her gaze to the table, trying to hide her smile. She’d recognize the eyes of her best friend anywhere. It was Cole, in a fake beard and someone else’s clothes.

  “What are you doing here?” she whispered. Then, so Pierre would hear, “Is there someone special you’re trying to reach today?”

  Cole screwed up his mouth, trying to come up with an answer. Lilly worried he wouldn’t remember the name he’d given Alana while waiting in line. Then, finally, he said a little too loudly, “Yes, I’m hoping to hear from my first cousin twice removed. It’s very important and I miss him something terrible.” Then he whispered, “There’s a farm pond beyond the trees in the field on the other side of the train. I’m taking the bulls over there tonight to cool off. You in?”

  Lilly drew in a quiet breath and tried to keep up the charade so Pierre wouldn’t get suspicious. “Please close your eyes and let’s begin.” She paused for a long moment and, trying not to laugh, said in a serious voice, “There is a visitor here . . . this visitor has a message for you. I don’t know, I can’t be sure, but he seems to be a relative of yours, not a close one. The two of you were good friends. Do you understand this?”

  “Yes,” Cole said.

  “I can feel his presence,” Lilly said. “It’s very strong.” Then, louder, “We invite whoever is here to join us. We’re not here to harm you. We’re here with the utmost respect for you and any spirits who might be with you. Please try to give us some sort of sign that you’re near. Can you make a noise to let us know you hear us?”

  Pierre knocked three times on the wardrobe door.

  “What was that?” Cole said.

  Lilly pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. “It’s a sign from someone on the other side,” she said. “Oh . . . hold on just a moment. I’m getting a name. Is it Frank? Fred? No, it’s . . . it’s Ferdinand. Do you recognize this name?”

  “Yes,” Cole said. “That’s my cousin!” He winked at her.

  Lilly smiled. “Ferdinand wants you to know he acknowledges your summons. But you need to be careful. Does that make sense to you?”

  “Yes,” Cole said. “Yes, it does. What else does he want to tell me?”

  “Shh . . .” Lilly said. She closed her eyes. “Give me a moment.”

  “All right.”

  “He’s saying something about your usual place,” she said. “Something about meeting at midnight.” She opened her eyes. “Do you understand that?”

  “Yes!” Cole said.

  “He wants to know if this pleases you,” she said.

  “Indeed,” Cole said, his smile lighting up his face. “It pleases me very much.”

  * * *

  After the doors were closed for the night and the last of the rubes had left the lot, after the clowns had wiped the final traces of face paint from their foreheads, and the animals were put back in their pens, everyone gathered outside the train to celebrate Dina the Living Half Girl’s birthday. The night air was thick with humidity, and a waxing moon cast long shadows from trees lining one side of the lot, turning tents and wagons into dark, otherworldly looking shapes.

  Mrs. Benini, co-owner of the snow cone and cotton candy stands, made a white birthday cake with strawberry frosting, and Madame Zelda, the gypsy fortune-teller, brought homemade apple moonshine. Rosy and Ruby decorated an open-air tent with rugs and tables and pillows for sitting, and Magnus the Ugliest Man Alive helped Brutus the Texas Giant hang lanterns in the trees. Normally, the big-top performers steered clear of the sideshow parties, but Lilly persuaded Cole to come anyway.

  “Everyone!” she called across the crowd. “This is my friend Cole. Please make him welcome.”

  Aldo the Alligator Man lurched forward, his hand outstretched. “We know who he iz,” he said, his eyes shining. “He’s alwayz welcome here.” He shook Cole’s hand, pumping it vigorously up and down while swaying on drunken legs. “Right, everybody?”

  The party guests whistled and laughed. Cole grinned and put a hand on Aldo’s shoulder to steady him. Glory winked at Lilly, and heat rose in Lilly’s cheeks. Aldo threw his arm around Belinda the Woman with Two Bodies and One Head and they staggered off. Rosy and Ruby pulled Cole into the crowd and Lilly followed, amazed by how happy she felt.

  After the cake was cut and eaten, someone brought out a record player and the roustabouts fashioned a dance floor out of boxcar ramps. Wine bottles were passed and mason jars were refilled with moonshine, and it didn’t take long for Lilly’s head to start swimming. She retreated beneath one of the trees to catch her breath. Cole came over to find her.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “But I think I’ve had enough moonshine.”

  He laughed. “Me too. It’s potent stuff.”

  She circled the tree to the other side and sat down, leaning against the bark. Cole sat beside her and they both grew quiet. She started to ask if he was still taking the elephants over to the farm pond when off to her left, a woman moaned. Lilly and Cole got to their feet at the same time and looked at each other with alarm. The woman moaned again and a man grunted. Cole and Lilly moved toward the sound, then stopped in their tracks. In the long grass, a man lay between a woman’s bare legs, his pants down, his scaly buttocks moving up and down. It was Aldo and Belinda.

  Lilly put a hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh and she and Cole went back to the party. Magnus the World’s Ugliest Man was
carrying a half-conscious Dina out of the tent toward the train, and Rosy and Ruby lay on either side of Brutus the Texas Giant in the pillows, alternating between kissing him and running their fingers up and down his chest. “The Way You Look Tonight” by Fred Astaire was playing on the record player, but the makeshift dance floor was empty except for Penelope the Singing Midget and Stubs the Smallest Man in the World slow dancing with their heads on each other’s shoulders.

  “Looks like the party’s dying down,” Cole said.

  Just then, running hooves pounded off to their right and a man yelled, “Look out!”

  Two zebras headed straight for Cole and Lilly, followed by three men with whips and lead lines. Cole stepped into the zebras’ path and waved his arms to slow them down. The first zebra veered off to one side and slid to a stop between the train and the party tent. The second zebra followed and they reared up on their hind legs, squealing and kicking each other, hooves and tails flying. The first zebra bit the second zebra in the neck, and the second zebra spun around and kicked him in the head with his back hooves. The first zebra retreated, frantic and galloping toward Lilly and Cole. The men caught up to the second zebra and threw a rope around its neck. It tried to get away, but they held on and wrestled a halter onto its head.

  Lilly hurried toward the zebra racing toward her and Cole.

  “What are you doing?” Cole shouted.

  Lilly ignored him. She cut the zebra off before it turned toward the lot, and held out her arms. “Slow down now,” she said. “Easy, easy.”

  The zebra slowed to a trot, then a walk, then stopped in front of Lilly, head held high, ears twitching. The men holding the other zebra stood stock-still, watching with wide eyes. Lilly sensed Cole behind her, moving closer. She held her hand out toward the zebra, palm up.

  “Come on, I won’t hurt you,” she said in a soft voice. The zebra lowered its head and sniffed her hand, its muzzle like velvet on her skin. Ever so slowly, she took a step toward it and reached up to rub its forehead.

  “Come on, Lilly,” Cole whispered behind her. “Step away from him before—”

  “Shhhh,” Lilly said to Cole as much as to the zebra. “Stay right there. Everything is going to be all right.”

  She rubbed the zebra’s face until it lowered its head and its striped shoulders relaxed. When it blinked as if falling asleep, Lilly moved closer to scratch the length of its neck, up and down, back and forth, her nails raking through its black and white hair. After another minute, during which the zebra looked like it was in a trance, she stopped and started walking toward the menagerie. The zebra lifted its head and followed, his nose near her shoulder. The men with the other zebra waited until she passed, then trailed them at a safe distance. Cole followed too. When they reached the menagerie, she led the zebra inside and back into its stall. After giving it another good long scratch, she moved out of the stall and latched the door. Cole stood watching, his mouth hanging open.

  “You know that’s a stallion, right?” he said.

  She shrugged. “No, the only thing I know is he was hurt and afraid.”

  “Jesus, Lilly. You could have been injured.”

  “I’m fine.”

  The men secured the other zebra a few stalls away and came over to Lilly and Cole.

  “How the hell did you do that?” one of them said. He was slightly taller than Cole, with wavy hair and broad shoulders. Lilly recognized him and the others as acrobats, a troupe called The Flying Zoppe Brothers. Normally they wouldn’t have given Lilly, or any of the other freaks, the time of day.

  “I’ve never seen anything like it,” one of the other brothers said.

  Cole glowered at them. “How the hell did the zebras get out?”

  “Mr. Barlow wants us to incorporate horses or zebras into our act,” the wavy-haired brother said. “We thought we’d see what we could come up with.”

  “Without the equestrian director’s help or permission,” Cole said. It wasn’t a question.

  “We thought we could handle it,” the third brother said.

  “Well, working without an animal handler was your first mistake. Your second and biggest mistake was trying to do anything with two stallions. Someone could have been killed.”

  “We didn’t know they were stallions,” the third brother said.

  “Obviously,” Cole said. “Next time, get permission from the equestrian director and he’ll have a trainer help you. I don’t want you or the zebras getting hurt.” Lilly could tell he was angry, but in pure Cole fashion, he still tried to be nice.

  The wavy-haired brother jerked his chin at Lilly. “Maybe we should get her to help.”

  Lilly’s eyes went wide. “Me? Why?”

  “Because in my twenty-plus years in the circus,” he said, “I’ve never seen an animal react to anyone like that zebra reacted to you.”

  Cole looked at her. “He’s right,” he said. “And a stallion no less. Most people have no idea how dangerous they can be. My father made sure I respected stallions by telling me about a woman who had her throat ripped out by one. She died on the spot. And you walked up to that one like you were walking up to a puppy.”

  Lilly shrugged. “Guess it was a good thing I didn’t know any better then.”

  “Who knows what might have happened if you hadn’t distracted him,” the wavy-haired acrobat said. “And Mr. Barlow would’ve murdered us if he got away.” He held his hand out to Lilly. “Thanks for your help.”

  Lilly smiled and shook it. “You’re welcome,” she said.

  * * *

  Later that night, after everyone was asleep, Lilly pulled her hair into a messy bun on top of her head and put on a shirtwaist dress with short sleeves. She grabbed a pair of sandals, snuck out of the sleeper car, and looked up and down the train, stretched out a half mile on each side of her car, to make sure no one was watching. Some of the car windows were open, and on the lot, tent sidewalls were rolled up. Roustabouts and workers slept on the ground outside, trying to stay cool. Somewhere a waltz played, tinny and haunting. A warm breeze caressed her bare arms, and a fine sheen of sweat broke out on her forehead as she hurried over to the menagerie. She wasn’t sure if it was from heat or excitement.

  When she entered the animal tent, the elephant stalls were empty and Cole was nowhere to be found. She slipped beneath the back wall and looked around. Beyond a line of trees in the distance, a gabled barn sat high on a hill, moonlight glinting off its metal roof, giving the illusion that it was covered with snow. Cole said he was taking the bulls to a farm pond, so she walked toward the barn. When she got closer to the line of trees, a small light flickered amid a gathering of bulky shadows moving slowly near the edge of the field.

  The elephants.

  “Cole?” she called as loud as she dared.

  “Over here,” he said.

  She hurried toward his voice, walking as fast as she could in the moonlit dark. When she tripped over a clump of grass, a memory flashed in her mind—her very first time outside, following her mother across the field toward the circus, with no idea where she was going or that her life was about to change forever. This time, though, she knew exactly where she was going. She found her footing and shook her head to clear it. She didn’t want to think about unhappy things right now. And besides, thinking about her past wouldn’t change her future. There was nowhere she’d rather be than with Cole and the elephants.

  Using their trunks, Pepper and Petunia and Flossie pulled bark and branches and leaves from the trees and shoved them in their mouths, making low, contented noises in their throats and munching loudly. JoJo, despite the fact that he was bigger than his mother, ran clumsy circles around them, delighted by his first taste of freedom. Cole waited inside the trees.

  “I thought we were meeting at the tent?” she said.

  “I wasn’t sure if you were coming. Besides, I knew you’d find us.”

  “I told you I was coming.”

  “You did? I didn’t know if that was you, or my cous
in Ferdinand.”

  She punched him playfully on the shoulder. “Haha. Very funny. Okay, enough teasing. Where’s the pond?”

  He laughed and led her along the tree line toward a wide gate leading into another field. The elephants followed. He picked the padlock, unwrapped the chain, and opened the gate. “After we’re all through, close it behind us,” he said to her. “And there were cows in this field earlier, so be careful where you step.”

  He went through the gate and the elephants trailed behind him. Flossie first, followed by Pepper, JoJo, and Petunia. As their massive, dark bodies lumbered past Lilly, just feet away from where she stood—their tree-trunk-sized legs moving slowly but surely, their long, tufted tails swaying back and forth, their big floppy ears fanning—tears filled her eyes and her heart cramped in her chest. Even after six years of spending time with them nearly every day, she was still amazed by their size and beauty. And tonight there were no chains around their legs, no ropes or walls keeping them in. It seemed as though she were witnessing a parade of gods, reluctant to share their worldly secrets with her because she didn’t deserve to know.

  When all the elephants were clear of the gate, she pushed it closed, then sprinted to catch up with Cole. In the distance, moonlight reflected off the farm pond’s smooth surface, making it look like glass. The elephants snorted and grunted and rumbled as they walked, their giant legs swishing through the long grass, their platter-sized feet thumping the earth.

  “What do you suppose they’re saying to each other?” she said.

  “I think they’re enjoying this,” he said. “They seem curious and happy, but maybe a little on edge too.”

  “But they trust you.”

  “They trust you too.”

  “You think so?”

  “Yes, you have a way with them. I’ve always thought so. But I’m beginning to think you have a way with all animals, especially after what you did with that zebra.”

  She smiled. The idea made her happy.

  When they were far enough away that no one could see them from the train, Cole turned up the flame in the lantern and led the elephants and Lilly over a slight berm, down to the edge of the farm pond surrounded by grass, cattails, and areas of flat rock. Beyond the pond, the land rose enough to hide them from anyone who might be looking out the farmhouse windows.