by Claire Adams
I wanted to ask him why he was doing this, why he had again come to my rescue, just like he had at the hospital. But I didn't want to hear that it was just his duty as a doctor to make sure that I got home okay, that I didn't faint with exhaustion.
Some secret part inside of me wanted it to be more than just kindness spurring him on. Some secret part of me wanted to know that he was here because he loved me as much as I loved him.
I blushed, hardly believing that I had even thought those words to myself. Not now, not at such an inappropriate time. Besides, Eric had made it clear that he couldn't love me. He didn't even believe that the baby was his.
Back at the house, he again led me inside. He sat me down on the couch. “I'm going to go get you a glass of water,” he said gently. He grinned. “I'd get you something stronger, but I wouldn't want it to have any negative effect on our baby.”
I stared incredulously up at him, wondering if I had just heard him correctly. Wondering if that was just a Freudian slip. “Our baby?” I asked.
Eric looked momentarily stricken and then sat down next to me on the sofa, moving carefully, as though he was afraid of frightening me. He ran a hand back through his hair. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath. “I know that this is the last thing that you want to talk about right now.”
“What is?” I asked, confusion flaring inside of me.
“I have to apologize to you,” he said quietly. “I know that this isn't the right timing, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for doubting you, and for believing other people over you. I thought that what I overheard Buck saying at the gas station was true, even though you told me multiple times that you had never slept with him, and even though there was no reason for you to lie about it.”
He looked down at his hands, carefully considering his words. “Buck came up to talk to me at the reception, not long after he talked to you. He said he feels really bad for having lied about the two of you being together. Apparently, Georgia Witherspoon was behind all of it,” he continued. “She paid Buck to say those things, and Buck knew about the tattoo because of some photo of you and Jeannie on a beach. I should never have believed him, and I feel so stupid.”
I stared at him, not sure what he expected me to say. Was I meant to tell him that it was all right? It had felt like my heart had been shattered the day that he'd refused to believe that it was his baby. I couldn't forgive him just like that.
Despite the fact that it felt so right to hear him say those two simple words: 'our baby.'
“Georgia has been angling to land me ever since Emily died,” Eric said. “I'm sure you know that; everyone in this whole town knows that. I just never realized that she'd go that far with it. I didn't think that she could sink so low.” He paused. “Do you ever think that you'd be able to forgive me?”
I stared down at my hands, twisting my fingers around one another, still not sure what to say. I felt emotionally exhausted. So much had happened over the course of that week. And there was so much to think about, in the future. If he didn't trust me, if Georgia's meddling had managed to break us up before we had even really had a relationship, what kind of future did that foretell for us?
As much as I wanted to believe that we could put the past behind us and start again, I knew I needed to do a lot of thinking before I was ready to do that. And I wasn't in my best state to do that thinking, not right now.
I sighed heavily. “I appreciate the apology,” I said sincerely. “But I need some time. I can't think about all of this right now, not when I'm caught up in everything else.”
“I understand,” Eric said gently. He brushed back a lock of my hair, and I wanted to lean into his touch, craving his comfort. But I knew I couldn't do that right now. “You should get some rest,” Eric continued. “And try to eat some food.”
“I know,” I said, even though I knew that both of those things were nigh on impossible for me at the moment.
“I'll see you soon,” Eric said, standing up and making his departure.
The truth was, I wasn't sure how to feel. I loved Eric, and I was almost desperate to be with him. The idea of raising this child with him at my side made things so much more bearable in my mind. But there was so much between us already. What if he still thought that he couldn't trust me? How would I feel if he believed someone else over me again?
Besides that, there was still his wishy-washy behavior from before, his inability to get over everything with Emily and start fresh with me. I had to believe that Mom's death had opened up that can of worms again and that he must be remembering all over again how difficult it had been for him to get over the loss of his wife. He was probably thinking of her every time he was comforting me.
And looking toward the future, was it at all possible that we could build a life together? The signs didn't look very positive. We'd had a couple of great nights, but it seemed like more often than not, our interactions ended unhappily. Could we even start something knowing that if we broke up, it would be Emma and our unborn child, in addition to the two of us, having to bear the heartache and the weight of disappointment that came along with it?
The whole point of the 'casual' relationship that we'd built had been that neither of us wanted to rush into anything. But it seemed like we couldn't do casual, not if it meant he thought that I was cheating on him.
I did appreciate his apology. But as for forgiving him, that was a much bigger task.
I wanted to think about it, though. Imagine what it would be like, if he and I were raising this child together, with Emma as a big sister. But I knew that if I even thought about it, I was going to try to make that a reality, no matter how bad an idea it might be.
It was all too much to think about, and it was especially frustrating to know that all my thinking would lead me nowhere, not when I was in this state. Finally, even though I knew that I should try to eat some food first, I headed upstairs and fell into bed, barely paused to undress first. I left my dress in a pile on the floor, knowing full well that it would cause irreparable wrinkles in the fabric. It wasn't as though I could ever wear the dress again anyway.
I fell into a fitful sleep, desperate to escape the world. Unfortunately, it followed me into fitful dreams.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Eric
For the rest of the week, I gave Olivia space, even though I knew that she had to be hurting. Even though I knew that, if Buck wasn't in the picture, she must be dealing with this all on her own. I couldn't imagine how difficult that must be for her. I'd felt alone when Emily had died, but Helen had been there every step of the way. She'd helped with making the funeral arrangements, and she'd been there to remind me to eat, even as I was there to remind her to sleep.
And there had been Emma, through all of it. I hadn't had too much time to dwell on the loss of my wife because I'd had an infant daughter who required every spare bit of attention that I had and then some.
I could only imagine how loud Olivia's thoughts had to be, how difficult it must be for her to go about her normal life. Especially since her normal life hadn't returned to normal just yet: I knew for a fact that the daycare was still closed for the time being. I wondered if she was getting to the house at all. I hoped that she was taking care of herself.
I wanted to go by and check up on her, but I knew that I needed to give her her space. I had said everything that I could say to her; it was up to her whether she was able to forgive me or not.
That didn't stop me from sending some of Jeannie's close friends over to check up on her, though.
By Friday, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore, though. I had to do something. I knew that part of the problem in our relationship, whatever it had been, was that I hadn't done a good enough job of showing her just how much I cared for her.
So on Friday afternoon, armed with a proposition, I headed over to her house. I rang the doorbell and then waited anxiously on her front porch.
When she answered the door, it was immediately apparent th
at she had lost weight, but the shadows beneath her eyes weren't as dark as they might have been. She sighed when she saw me. “Eric, I haven't made any decisions yet,” she warned me. “I've tried thinking about it, but there's just so much going on at the moment that I don't have the energy to figure out what I want.”
“I understand,” I said softly. I paused, cocking my head to the side. “Would you mind if I came inside? I have a proposition that I'd like to discuss with you.”
I was surprised at how readily she stepped back to let me in; I'd expected that I would need to persuade her to let me in. Maybe this would work after all.
I turned to face her and then blushed a little, remembering the last time we'd been together in the hall. “Maybe it would be better if we moved into the living room,” I suggested.
Olivia stared at me for a long moment and then nodded, leading the way.
We sat down together on the couch. “I want you to come away with me for the weekend,” I told her. When she looked as though she might protest, I held up a hand. “Hear me out,” I pleaded.
She continued to stare at me, but I just paused, waiting for her to answer me. “Okay,” she finally agreed.
I nodded at her. “I want you to come away with me for the weekend,” I repeated. “I think it would do you good to get away from here. Maybe it would clear your head a little so that you could think about this. About the possibility of an us. I want to take you someplace nice, someplace really relaxing.” I paused, and when she didn't say anything, I forged ahead. “You can't make up your mind about if you want to be with me or not unless you know what it would be like,” I told her. “And I haven't done a very good job of showing you that, thus far.”
I couldn't tell what she was thinking, from looking at her face. But she at least seemed to be considering the idea.
“Plus, it would give us a chance just to try this out,” I said quietly. “Emma is fine staying Christina for the weekend.” When her eyes widened, I hurried to explain: “I didn't tell Christina why. I think she thinks it's something to do with Helen. But I wanted to make sure that she was okay with it before I even proposed this.” I shook my head. “Separate rooms and everything. No pressure. But I really would like to pamper you a little. I can only imagine how difficult things have been for you lately. And you are, after all, the mother of my unborn child.”
Olivia frowned, twisting her fingers together just like she had when I'd told her all about Georgia's meddling. “What if I say no?” she asked.
I shrugged as though the thought of her declining didn't worry me, even though really, I could hardly even consider her rejection. “If you don't want to go with me, I'll understand,” I said. “I'm still going to urge you to go anyway, on your own. Like I said, you deserve to be pampered. And if it means that at a later date, you want to try this thing between us, I'll still be very happy. If it means that you never want to be with me, that you can't be with me after the things that I said to you, then I'll understand that.”
“You're just doing this because you feel guilty, aren't you?” Olivia asked, but I was pleased to see a small smile on her face.
I laughed. “A little bit, maybe,” I admitted. “Is that all right?”
“Are you sure this is the best idea?” Olivia asked uncertainly. “You may not have told Christina why you needed her to watch Emma for the weekend, but aren't people going to realize that you and I have disappeared at the same time? They'll leap to conclusions. You know they will.”
“I don't care if you don't,” I told her instantly. Olivia's eyes widened a little at that. I shook my head. “My mourning period is over,” I said softly. “I'll always love Emily in some part of my being. She gave me a beautiful daughter in Emma, and she made me so happy for many years. But that doesn't mean that I can't move on, and it isn't going to stop me from being friends with my new baby's mom, if that's okay with you.”
Olivia continued to think it over. Finally, she nodded. “All right,” she said. “I'll go with you. But just as friends, for now. I still need to think things over.”
“Of course,” I said gently, pulling her into my arms and hoping that that was okay. To my relief, she wrapped her arms around me, burying her face against my shirt. I could feel her relaxing in my arms, and I could only imagine what a good masseuse could do for her.
“When do we leave?” she asked.
“As soon as you're packed,” I told her. “Our reservations are for tonight and tomorrow night. I've got a full day of relaxing spa appointments booked for you tomorrow.”
Olivia looked at me, wonder in her eyes. For the first time in a while, I saw a real smile spread across her face. “Thank you,” she said. “I'll go get packed.”
“I'll see you in half an hour,” I promised. “Unless you need more time?”
“That should be fine,” Olivia said, sounding almost shy.
From the time we checked into our rooms until lunchtime the following day, I didn't see Olivia, except once in passing, in the hallway. As promised, I had a full schedule of relaxing activities for her. Besides, I wanted to give her a little space to think things over. But on Saturday at lunchtime, I grabbed the picnic lunch that I had arranged for and went to meet her outside her massage appointment.
She looked sleepy and calm when she came out of it. She smiled at me when she saw me waiting there. “What's next on the agenda?” she asked, rolling her shoulders a little.
I held up the picnic basket. “Lunch,” I told her. “Come on.”
I led her up to a scenic, secluded spot that the receptionist at the B&B had recommended. “How are you feeling?” I asked as we sat down on the checkered blanket that I had spread out.
“Really good, actually,” she admitted, glancing over at me. “This was a good decision. Thanks again.”
“I'm glad it's helping,” I said, taking things out of the bag.
She tucked in ravenously, and I gave myself a mental pat on the back, knowing that this was likely the most she'd managed to eat in a while. It made me regret the fact that we had to go back to reality the following day, but I couldn't leave Emma with Christina forever, as much as I'd like to stay here forever in this little bubble of camaraderie that Olivia and I seemed to have finally found.
“I am sorry that I didn't react better to the news that you were pregnant,” I told her midway through the meal, unable to hold back any longer. “And for the scene at the hospital. I shouldn't have said the things that I said.”
“You were upset about the cancer,” Olivia said, picking at her sandwich. She glanced over at me. “I imagine it must have brought back memories.”
“It did,” I admitted. “But I shouldn't have taken them out on you. That wasn't fair, and especially not when I really did know that you were trying your best. Jeannie was just very stubborn.”
I wasn't sure that it was the right thing to say, but Olivia managed a small smile. “She was,” she agreed. “I take after her in that, you know.”
“I'd noticed,” I told her dryly. “But fortunately, your persistence is a lot more endearing than Georgia's.”
We were both quiet for a moment. “I want to start again,” I told her, surprising even myself with the raw note in my voice. “I promise that I'll trust you. But I don't want to pressure you to make decisions just to suit me. Just because I think that we're right for one another.”
Olivia stared at me, looking shocked. “You think we're right for each other?” she asked.
I nodded gravely. It was my turn to look away from her. “To be honest, I never wanted something casual with you; I was always interested in something more. I was just scared. When you said that thing about not putting labels on it, I was quick to agree because I thought that was the only way that I was going to continue to have you in my life. But it wasn't what I wanted.”
I gave a short laugh. “And when I thought that you were sleeping with Buck, trust me, I was kicking myself at not having asked for more. It felt horrible. The only thing that kept
me from punching him was the knowledge that you definitely wouldn't appreciate that, whatever the situation was. Probably wouldn't have looked too good around the town, either.” I gave a rueful smile, but Olivia didn't return it, seemingly lost in her thoughts.
“What's changed?” Olivia asked suddenly. “I understand that Buck told you the truth at the funeral, but that wasn't the only thing standing between us. You practically avoided me after we slept together. Are you just interested in pursuing a relationship now because you know that I'm pregnant? Because if so, I'm afraid that this won't work.”
I appreciated how frank she was being, and I tried to find a way to describe that change of heart so that she might understand it. “I think both of them, my wife and your mother, would have wanted this,” I added. “Emily always just wanted me to be happy. I've mourned her for long enough, but it's not doing Emma or I any favors, my holding the world at arm's length.”
Olivia nodded slowly. “My mother would have wanted it too,” she said softly. “She gave me this whole spiel about how she was sure that I would make a great single parent, and about how well things had turned out for her and me, despite my dad never being in the picture. But deep down, I think that she would have wanted us to be together. To raise this daughter together.”
I frowned at her. “You're sure it's a daughter?” I asked.
“I don't have proof yet,” Olivia said, looking startled. She shrugged. “It's just easier to think of it as a 'she,' rather than an 'it.' And I'll be perfectly happy to have a boy, too. I don't know, it just feels right, calling it my daughter.”
“Our daughter,” I said, and Olivia smiled at me. “I want to be in her life, whether you and I end up together or not,” I told her seriously. “And I don't just mean that I'll pay for diapers and child support.”
Olivia nodded. “I want you to be in the child's life, if you want to be,” she whispered.