by Sherri Hayes
“I think so.”
He chuckled.
“What happened?”
Stephan pulled the sheet I hadn’t noticed tighter around us. “You had a really intense orgasm. You may also have gone slightly into subspace. If that’s the case, we’re going to have to be extra careful the first time we play with more intense toys.”
I shivered.
“Are you cold?”
I shook my head.
He was quiet for a long time. “I scared you with the mention of intense toys, didn’t I?”
Since I didn’t want to lie, I nodded.
Stephan kissed the top of my head and caressed my arm with his free hand. The other was resting against my hip, holding me to him. “Don’t be. We’ll go slow and talk about everything like we always do.”
I couldn’t shake my nerves completely, but I also knew he was right. We always talked about things. On some level, I knew that if there was something I hated, he wouldn’t force me to endure it. He wasn’t like that.
We lay together for a long time before I remembered something else he’d said. “What’s subspace?”
He rolled us so we were on our sides and looking at each other. “It’s where you experience a type of high from sensation. It’s described by some as an out-of-body experience. Some subs experience it often. For others, it’s rarer. It depends on the person.”
“Is . . . is it a bad thing?”
“No. Not at all.” He ran his fingers along my face before tangling them in my hair. “It does create a shock to your system, however, which as your Dom I need to be aware of so that I know how best to take care of you after.” I was still a little confused on what it was, but as long as he would be there to take care of me, I wasn’t too worried.
Closing my eyes, I leaned into his hand.
“We need to go take our shower.”
I groaned. The last thing I wanted to do was move. I was so comfortable.
He laughed and kissed me. His lips lingered for a moment too long, reminding me of other things.
When he pulled back, his face was serious. “I love you.”
I smiled. “I love you, too.”
Chapter 27
Brianna
I was starting to dread our workouts. After I’d followed the routine Brad had set up for me, Stephan had me stand on the weight-lifting mats and practice the self-defense stuff with him. I hated it. While I was getting better at the first move, the second—once again—left me near tears, because no matter how much he encouraged me, I couldn’t cause him harm.
Just when I thought I’d reached my breaking point, Stephan called it quits. We took our shower and made breakfast. It wasn’t fancy, just fruit and some muffins I’d made the other day. He praised me again for how good they were, and I blushed.
With breakfast out of the way, Stephan and I curled up on the couch to read for a while. Or I thought we were going to read for a while. I was on my side with my head in his lap, ready to read, when he reached for my book and closed it. Glancing up, I realized his book was closed, too.
I shut my eyes as he ran his hand through my hair. “We need to talk about last night and how you reacted to Justin’s birthday party.”
I stopped breathing for a second and opened my eyes. The conversation he was talking about came back to me as if I were sitting there again in the club.
Female entertainment.
“What if they were like me? What if they had no choice? What if—”
“Breathe, Brianna.”
Pinching my eyes shut, I tried to push the images out of my head. I felt Stephan touching me, his hands calming. Rolling over, I buried my head in his waist and held tight to the fabric of his T-shirt.
“That’s it. Good girl. I’m guessing I know where your mind went last night, and just now, which is why we need to talk about this. Phillip was talking about strippers.”
I knew what strippers were. Although I’d never seen any in person, I’d watched movies and television shows. “They . . . they dance and . . . and take off their clothes?”
Looking up, I saw him nod. “That’s right. They get paid to dance and tease while removing their clothing.”
“I don’t understand. Why?”
Stephan chuckled, his chest vibrating beneath me. “Men are very visual creatures, and the female form, even if we can’t touch, has a very stimulating effect.”
I thought about what he said for a few minutes. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me until I thought about how I liked looking at Stephan, watching him dress . . . or in the shower. Was it the same? “They only look?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why wouldn’t they want to touch?”
He smiled. “Trust me, they want to touch. Strippers, at least most of them, aren’t prostitutes. The men they’re dancing for agree ahead of time that while the stripper can touch them, they can’t touch her.”
I knew what prostitutes were. “They don’t have sex with them?”
“No.”
Although I knew sex wasn’t required to cause pain, knowing sex wasn’t involved made me feel better. “So this . . . stripper . . . she danced and . . . took her clothes off while they watched?”
“Yes.”
“It’s what she wanted?”
“Yes, sweetheart. It’s what she wanted. No one forced her to do anything.”
The weight lifted from my chest, and I could breathe normally once more.
“Brianna people are going to say things, especially when you’re outside these walls, that will sometimes upset you given what you’ve been through. I want you to try to do something for me, okay?”
I nodded.
“If that happens, I want you to try to remember this conversation. Things may not always be as they seem on the surface, and not everyone is going to know your history and watch what they say. But if something happens, if you hear something, remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible and come find me. If something is truly wrong, I’ll do something. I promise you that.” He cradled my face in his hands. “And if not, we’ll talk about it, like we’re doing now.”
“Okay.”
He smiled and leaned down to brush his lips against mine. “Good girl.”
Handing me my book, he encouraged me to get comfortable again and start reading. He picked up his own book and flipped to where the bookmark held his place. Settling in, he held the book in one hand while the other played with my hair. Sighing, I relaxed and picked up where I’d left off in my book.
The whole thing would have been perfect if not for my apprehension about what was going to happen that afternoon. As the day wore on, I began to get nervous, and my story could no longer hold my attention. I’d read the same page at least ten times. We were going to Logan and Lily’s. To watch a scene. I had no idea what that meant exactly, but I knew it had to be significant, or Stephan wouldn’t have told me ahead of time.
Stephan and I had just sat down to lunch when he must have decided I’d been quiet for too long. “What’s on your mind, Brianna?”
Since I’d just taken a bite of the pasta we’d made together, I didn’t answer right away. I knew I needed to be honest. “I’m nervous. About today.”
He took my free hand in his and massaged my fingers. “There’s nothing to be nervous about. We’re observing. That’s all.”
I nodded. He’d said that before, but I couldn’t help how I felt. I didn’t want anything to happen. Not to me. Not to Lily. She was my friend.
“Do you recall our conversation about hard limits?”
We’d both stopped eating. “Yes.”
“Lily has a list of them. I’ve seen them. Logan would never violate those limits. Any worthy Dominant wouldn’t.” He pulled me out of my chair and into his lap. “Brianna, Ian wasn’t a worthy Dominant. He wasn’t a Dominant at all, in my opinion. You’ve lived with me for almost three months now. I hope I’ve shown you there is a difference.”
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At the mention of Ian, he hugged me, and I welcomed it. “You’re not like him.”
He kissed the side of my face. “No. I’m not. And neither is Logan.”
I nodded.
“Come on, love. You need to finish your lunch so we can leave. I told Logan two o’clock, and I don’t want to be late.”
On the drive over, he reminded me again of what would happen. Lily and I were going to talk. Then we would watch Lily and Logan in a scene. After the scene, I was going to talk to Lily again. Stephan said they were doing this because they didn’t want there to be any doubt in my mind that Lily wasn’t completely okay with what happened.
Stephan also gave me some rules I had to follow while I was there. I was to sit on his lap during the scene and watch the entire time. He also said I was not to talk to Logan or Lily during the scene, or in any other way try to interfere or interrupt it. And lastly, he told me that once we arrived home we would discuss what had happened throughout the scene and how I felt about it.
With less than a minute to spare, Stephan knocked on Logan and Lily’s door. I was trying not to fidget. I didn’t want to disappoint him or get into trouble.
The door opened, and Logan stood in the entryway wearing a pair of jeans. He had no shirt, and his feet were bare.
“Right on time.” He smiled, and it made him less imposing.
Logan stepped back and let us into the apartment. Nothing much had changed since we’d been there last, except the furniture in the living room was arranged a little differently. It looked as if everything had been pushed back to make more space.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
“Water would be good.”
Nodding, Logan went into the kitchen. He returned with two glasses of water that he handed to Stephan.
“Lily is in her room getting ready. I’ll let her know you’re here.”
As soon as Logan disappeared down the hallway, Stephan guided me over to one of the chairs in the living room. He sat down first and indicated he wanted me to sit on his lap.
Once we were both seated, he handed me one of the glasses. “Drink. It didn’t escape my notice that you picked at most of your lunch and barely drank anything. I don’t want you to become dehydrated.”
I sipped on my water, and tried to keep my anxiety under control.
Logan reappeared several minutes later and took a seat across from us on the couch. I didn’t look at him. “I thought maybe it would be a good idea if Brianna spoke to Lily privately.”
“I agree.”
I gripped my glass tighter, hoping it wouldn’t break as Stephan and Logan spoke.
“Lily’s in the last room on the right.”
Stephan lifted my chin so that I was looking at him. “Go talk to Lily. I’ll wait here.”
I swallowed. This was it. This was really happening.
Obediently, I stood, handed him my glass of water, and walked down the hallway. It was longer than I’d thought it would be. At Stephan’s, the hallway was only about ten feet long. This had to be at least three times longer than that.
Following Logan’s instructions, I walked until I came to the last door on the right. It had been left open a crack, but I couldn’t see anything past the small opening, so I knocked.
“Come in.”
When I stepped into the room, Lily was sitting on a bed, rolling a stocking up her left leg. She smiled when she saw me. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I looked over the rest of her outfit and quickly glanced away. She was wearing a corset, but the bra part was missing.
She giggled and patted the mattress next to her. “Come sit next to me while I finish getting ready. Logan said we could take our time, but I don’t want to push my luck.”
I went to sit next to her, but I still couldn’t bring myself to look.
“Brianna, it’s okay to look at me, you know. You’re going to have to get used to it if you’re watching us today.”
Lily was right.
Preparing myself as best I could, I turned to face her. I tried not to stare, but it was hard when the black corset she was wearing pushed her breasts up and out. Add to that the contrast it had against her pale skin, and her breasts were hard to ignore.
“You’ve seen other women naked before, haven’t you, Brianna?”
“Yes.” I had seen other women naked. Alex, mostly, but she hadn’t been the only one. This seemed different, though. I knew Lily. And even though I’d known Alex, she and I had never been friends.
“I figured you must have. Can I ask why seeing me bothers you, then?”
I shrugged. “You’re my friend.”
She smiled, but there was a sadness to it. “I don’t want you to worry about me today, okay? Logan and I have been playing for over a year now, and he knows what I can take and what I can’t. Do you remember what I told you about Stephan being a good man?”
I nodded.
“Logan’s a good man, too.”
Again, I nodded. What was I supposed to say? I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I couldn’t change that I was worried about her.
Lily finished with her stocking and took my hand in both of hers. “Logan and Stephan want us to talk before everything gets started. When we walk back out there, I won’t be allowed to talk to you anymore, so if you have any questions . . .”
“You won’t be allowed to talk?”
She shook her head. “It’s one of my rules. When we’re playing, I’m not allowed to speak unless Logan asks me a direct question.”
I scrunched up my face in confusion. “Why?”
“During a scene, while we’re playing, it’s not my job to question him. I’m giving up control to him, and I have to trust that he knows what’s best.”
“But . . . but what if something’s wrong? What if he . . . hurts you?”
“Then I have my safewords.”
Pressing my lips together, I considered her words. Suddenly I realized what was bothering me. I didn’t trust Logan. Lily did. She trusted Logan like I trusted Stephan. “You trust him.”
She smiled. “Yes.”
Lily released my hands and walked over to a large dressing table and mirror. She swept her hair up into a high ponytail and wrapped a black holder around it. “Logan likes my hair up when we play. He says it makes it easier for him to grab hold of.”
She glanced at me through the mirror, and I realized she had a smirk on her face. I blushed and lowered my eyes to the floor.
“No need to be embarrassed, Brianna. I know Stephan likes hair pulling, too. And from the look on your face, you don’t mind it either.”
I shook my head but remained silent.
The next thing I knew, she was kneeling in front of me. “Don’t ever be ashamed of what you enjoy. As long as it’s something you both want, then who cares what other people think?”
“So it’s not . . . weird?”
“That you like it when Stephan pulls your hair? No. Not at all. I happen to love when Logan pulls my hair. It reminds me that he’s in complete control of me and my body, and that he can take what he wants from me.”
“It doesn’t . . . scare you?”
“Nope. Does it scare you when Stephan does it?”
“No. But sometimes . . . sometimes I think maybe it should?”
Lily smiled up at me. “Brianna, there are always going to be things in life other people don’t understand about you. Last year, my sister found out about my lifestyle. Logan and I hadn’t been dating all that long, and she still had a key to my apartment. She says she knocked, and when no one answered, she let herself in. When she walked into my bedroom, she found me tied to the bed, lying face up, with Logan’s cock in my mouth.”
My eyes went wide. “What . . .”
“What did she do?”
I nodded.
“She started screaming at Logan. Needless to say, it completely killed the mood, not that her walking in hadn’t done that in and of itself, but . . . Logan immediately began untying me
as I tried to calm her down, but she wouldn’t listen. She pushed him out of the way and started loosening the ropes herself.”
Lily seemed to be lost in a memory for a while, so I remained quiet and waited.
“After I was free, I put a robe on, sat her down, and explained what she walked in on.” Lily paused. “She was furious.”
“She was scared for you.”
“Yes. I didn’t understand it at the time, though.” She seemed sad. “I found out later her husband had tried something like that with her once and she’d freaked out on him. She thought Logan was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do, and when I told her he wasn’t, she couldn’t wrap her mind around why or how I could want something like that.”
“Stephan has ropes. He hasn’t used them on me, but . . . but I told him he could.” It felt strange admitting that, even to Lily.
She smiled. “I love ropes. They make you feel helpless, yet centered at the same time.”
“I don’t know if I’ll like them.”
Lily cocked her head to the side, studying me. “And you’re afraid if you don’t like them you’ll upset Stephan?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t be. Stephan’s a big boy. He’ll get over it.”
“But . . .”
“But?”
“I want to like it.”
“Because he does?”
I nodded.
“I’ll let you in on a little secret. When I first started playing, I was eighteen. During my first experience, my boyfriend at the time, Danny, put these nipple clamps on me. They were the adjustable kind, but he tightened them as far as they would go. After that, I swore I’d never let another set of nipple clamps near me again.” She moved to sit back on the bed. “But do you know what? Now I love them. Danny had absolutely no idea what he was doing. He’d never used clamps before, and it showed.”
“What changed your mind?”
“After we broke up, I realized a couple of things. First, I craved domination, especially in the bedroom. Sex was okay without it, but with it I’d experienced some of the most intense orgasms in my life.” She shifted again, this time to face me. “So when I went looking for another relationship, I searched out the local BDSM community and started going to munches.”