Massive in Lapland

by Ian Edwards

  ‘Really?’ She raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Really. Anyway, if it wasn’t for Christmas, we probably wouldn’t have ever met.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘I did my first gig at Christmas.’

  ‘I never knew that. What was it like?’

  ‘I’ll have to tell you about it some time,’ he said, and settled in for a nap.

  Chapter 4

  ‘Hotel Korvatunturi, please.’ Sarah poked her head through the taxi drivers’ window.

  The taxi driver sighed and pressed a button on his dashboard releasing the boot. Sarah heaved her luggage into the empty space.

  Alan opened the rear passenger door and climbed in, leaving Sarah to put his rucksack into the car boot.

  ‘Thanks,’ Alan said as Sarah climbed into the taxi beside him. She grunted a response and looked out of the window.

  ‘It wouldn’t have killed you to put your luggage in the boot, son.’ Frankie said. He had materialised in the front passenger seat and turned to face Alan. ‘I mean, look at her. She’s tiny. And you’re well over six foot. In my day a gentleman helped a lady with her baggage.’

  ‘Yeah, well these days ladies have more baggage than you can imagine.’

  ‘What did you say?’ Sarah turned in her seat, a quizzical look on her face.

  ‘I said you’ve got a lot of luggage,’ Alan replied.

  ‘Yes, well, we can’t all travel around with one pair of pants, can we?’ Sarah’s tone indicating she was not at all impressed.

  ‘Nice catch, son,’ Frankie laughed.

  Alan decided that silence was his best option and turned to look out of the car window. The roads were littered with a sprinkling of snow, the local hotels and dwellings close to the airport quickly giving way to dense forest. Alan noticed one, then two, then several billboards all displaying a man grinning inanely. Alan couldn’t understand the writing, but was sure this was Pekka Pekkonen, as this appeared directly under the man’s face.

  ‘So that’s the famous Pekka Pekkonen,’ he said to no one in particular.

  ‘Pekka is a very funny man. A comedian. He’s doing comedy routines. You should go see him. Not just visit Santa’s Grotto.’ The driver smiled over his shoulder.

  ‘Actually,’ Alan said, ‘I’m a comedian too. I’m here to do some gigs myself.’

  The driver looked into his rear view mirror. ‘I don’t recognise you. Are you funny?’

  ‘Not really,’ Sarah smirked before Alan could reply.

  ‘That’s told you,’ Frankie laughed.

  Alan harrumphed in annoyance.

  ‘Oh, don’t be like that. You’re not that bad really,’ Sarah grinned at him.

  Alan ignored his friends and continued to stare out of the window as the snowy forest cleared into a series of small huts, then larger, single and double story houses. The driver indicated left onto a small road and along a narrow path leading out into a small hotel, the name Korvatunturi displayed in blue neon, surrounded by several inflatable Father Christmas’s and a multitude of reindeer. Several large Christmas trees were adorned with hundreds of fairy lights.

  ‘Electricity bills must be huge,’ Frankie said as the taxi pulled to a stop.

  ‘Thanks mate,’ Alan said, opening the rear passenger door. ‘She’s paying,’ he added, nodding to Sarah. He pressed a button on the car’s boot and it swung open slowly. He took his rucksack and Sarah’s suitcase out and placed them by his feet on the snow.

  Sarah paid the driver and watched as he slowly turned his taxi round and drove off in the direction he had come. ‘Right,’ she said, let’s get booked in, shall we?’ She pulled on her suitcase handle and headed off in to the hotel.

  ‘Looks really classy,’ Frankie said, eyeing up the garish decorations.

  ‘You almost got me in trouble back there,’ Alan hissed as he entered the hotel lobby.

  He wasn’t sure what he was expecting from a hotel in Lapland at Christmas, but he wasn’t expecting this. Every available bit of wall space was covered in cardboard Santa’s, reindeer and elves. A massive Christmas tree stood in one corner, next to several life sized inflatable reindeer and a chimney with Santa’s feet poking out from the bottom, covered in soot.

  ‘Like I said, classy,’ Frankie grinned at him.

  ‘Jesus,’ Alan said.

  ‘That’s good, you’re getting in to the Christmas spirit,’ Sarah said and gave him a key. ‘We’re all booked in. We’re on the same floor. Why don’t we go and get settled for an hour and meet up in the bar?’

  ‘Sounds like a plan,’ Alan said. ‘Providing it’s not knee deep in bloody Father Christmas’s.’

  Sarah grinned. ‘Come on grumpy, let’s check out our rooms.’ Sarah pressed the button on the lift, the doors opening to reveal three overweight men in Santa costumes.

  ‘Oh for…’

  ‘Alan!’ Sarah hissed and smiled as the three Santa’s squeezed themselves out of the lift.

  ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ Alan grumbled under his breath as they entered the lift and the doors closed.

  *

  Alan sank back onto the bed and sighed. He had a feeling this was going to be more difficult than he had originally anticipated. He looked at the ceiling and contemplated going straight home. He and Rosie had had a blaring row about the trip, and, more accurately, a trip alone with Sarah. Alan knew Rosie didn’t like Sarah, but it was absurd to think that anything would happen between them. Especially as Sarah was dating that ego-on-legs Giles Munroe.

  He scratched his head for a moment and considered his next move. He reached for his phone and dialled Rosie’s number. ‘Hiya Rosie,’ he said when she answered. ‘Well, I’ve landed. You were right to pack those thermal socks, its bloody freezing here. How are you?’

  ‘I’m OK, thanks,’ she replied, although Alan detected a frostiness that fitted in well with his current surroundings. ‘How is your room?’ Rosie added at last.

  ‘It’s OK, I think. I may need to thaw out a bit though. There are polar bears outside with scarves on, it’s that cold.’

  ‘Are they standing on tiny mints, heckling foxes?’

  Alan laughed. ‘That’s quality, can I have that one?’ he asked.

  ‘Be my guest,’ Rosie replied. ‘Alan, look, I’m sorry about the argument, I just wanted us to have a nice Christmas together, especially after everything that’s happened.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry too, Rosie. I wouldn’t have agreed to come out to this god forsaken wilderness unless I thought it would help my stand-up career. You know I’d rather be with you.’

  ‘I know, I just don’t like the amount of time we’re apart these days.’

  ‘I don’t like it either, but how many times do you get to see where Santa was born?’ Alan grinned.

  ‘You really are an idiot, aren’t you?’ Rosie replied. Alan could tell she was smiling too.

  ‘Of course. Only an idiot would risk getting frost bite on his man bits all for the sake of a couple of laughs.’

  ‘…and a few days away with Sarah…’

  Alan didn’t rise to the bait. ‘Well, the further I can get her away from Giles the better. The bloke is a complete helmet.’

  He could hear Rosie laughing. ‘I quite like him actually,’ she replied.

  ‘Yeah, well, there’s no accounting for taste. What are you up to later?’

  ‘I’m thinking of visiting Amy.’

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘Oh, as well as can be expected.’

  ‘That’s a great idea. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.’

  Alan was prevented from further comment by a furious knocking on his door. He got off the bed and wandered across the room, fully expecting to see Sarah. Instead, he was confronted by Frankie, blowing into his hands. ‘Alright son, bloody cold here, isn’t it? You got a fire in there? It’s lucky I’m not a brass monkey.’

  ‘Sorry Rosie,’ Alan said at last. ‘It’s room service, I’d better go, speak later, love you…’

  ‘Love yo
u too, bye,’ came the reply as Frankie nonchalantly wandered into the room.

  ‘It’s freezing out here,’ Frankie said. ‘Reminds me of Oldham. Coldest place on the planet.

  ‘We are in Lapland,’ Alan replied by way of explanation.

  ‘I still can’t see why you couldn’t you get a gig closer to home.’

  ‘We’ve been through this already…’

  ‘I know, but I mean, Lapland…’ Frankie interrupted. ‘Who names a place Lapland? It sounds like a strippers club.’

  ‘I think Lapland was around long before strip clubs.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Pretty sure, yes. I mean, this bit of land existed before human beings walked upright.’

  ‘Sounds like a strip club to me.’

  ‘What came first, the strippers or the punters?’ Alan mused.

  ‘You could use that. It’s not your worst idea…’

  A further loud and furious knocking on the door prevented Frankie from dissecting Alan’s act any further.

  Alan opened the door and looked up at the tall man standing in the passageway. ‘Hello, can I help you?’

  ‘It’s Alan Rose, isn’t it?’ The man said, with a heavy Finnish accent.

  ‘Look mate, I appreciate it, but I’m a little tired to deal with fans, so if you don’t mind…’

  ‘Fans?’ The man replied quizzically.

  ‘Yes, fans. I’m really sorry but I’ve literally just got off a plane.’

  ‘I know. I’m aware of this,’ the man said, as he held out his hand. ‘My name is Pekka. Pekka Pekkonen. I am comedian too. Not as good as you though. May I come in?’

  ‘Son, don’t you recognise him from all the posters as we drove from the airport?’ Frankie said.

  It took a moment for Alan’s brain to understand what Frankie and this strange man were telling him. Slowly recognition dawned on his face. ‘Bloody hell, sorry Pekka, as I said, I’ve only just got off a plane. My brain is all over the place. Won’t you come in?’ He beckoned the Finnish comedian into the room.

  ‘Tall sod, isn’t he?’ Frankie said. ‘From the posters I thought he’d be much shorter.’

  Pekka smiled as he stepped inside the hotel room. ‘I know it’s an imposition, but I have a favour to ask.’ Alan nodded that Pekka continue.

  ‘I want your help. I want to get out of here.’

  ‘The room? You asked to come in.’

  ‘No, you misunderstand. I need to get out of Lapland.’ Seeing Alan’s puzzled look, Pekka continued. ‘I need to get away from Christmas. Will you help me?’

  ‘I’m not sure I understand. Can’t you just shut your door and switch the telly off? Or maybe take a flight to somewhere that doesn’t celebrate Christmas.’

  ‘It’s not as simple as that…’

  Alan sighed. ‘Hang on, mate. Let’s go and see Sarah.’

  ‘Sarah? Is she your girlfriend?’

  Frankie laughed at Alan’s frown.

  ‘No, no, no,’ Alan said, a bit too forcefully, Frankie thought. ‘She’s my agent, she’ll know what to do.’ Alan picked up the room key card and gestured for Pekka to follow him.

  Chapter 5.

  Sarah sat on the bed and tapped at the keys on her laptop, entering the Hotel’s Wi-Fi password. She watched as her ancient machine slowly connected and her emails began to appear on the page. As she moved the mouse over one particular email there was a knock on the door.

  She rose and wandered to the door, opening it to find Alan waiting patiently. ‘Alan, what’s up?’ she asked.

  ‘Do you mind if we come in?’ He asked, barging in before Sarah had time to reply.

  ‘Come on,’ Alan said over his shoulder to a very tall man, who followed him into the room. Sarah shivered and shut the door.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Sarah asked as Alan sat on the bed. The tall man walked over to the windows and peered out from behind the edge of the curtains.

  Frankie looked around the room, hands in pockets. ‘I’m surprised they didn’t give you connecting rooms. It’ll make it a lot easier if she needs you in the middle of the night,’ he grinned mischievously.

  ‘OK. Sorry to barge in on you,’ Alan began. ‘But I’d like you to meet…’

  ‘Aren’t you Pekka Pekkonen?’ Sarah asked the large man who was helping himself to the contents of the mini-bar.

  ‘Err…yes. Pekka Pekkonen,’ Alan finished his sentence, slightly disappointed Sarah had taken the wind from his sails.

  Pekka stepped away the mini-bar and offered his hand to Sarah. ‘The very same. I’m pleased to meet you Sarah.’

  ‘Aren’t you supposed to be missing?’ She asked as Pekka shook her hand, holding it for slightly longer than she was comfortable with. ‘I mean that’s why we’re here after all.’ She removed her hand from Pekka’s grasp.

  ‘I am, so I’d appreciate it if you would keep my presence here quiet,’ Pekka said. He smiled at Sarah and began taking the lids off of the bottles from the mini-bar.

  Realising that she was going to get more sense from Alan, which was in itself a relatively unusual event, she asked; ‘What’s going on?’

  Alan leaned against the headboard, hands behind his head. ‘Pekka here needs our help to get out of the country.’

  Sarah looked over at Pekka, who was knocking back the mini bottles in single shots.

  ‘It’s true,’ he confirmed. ‘I’ve had enough. I need to get away.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I’ve lived here my whole life. I’m thirty two and all I’ve known is Christmas. Do you know they start getting ready for Christmas in February?’ He struggled with the top of a mini-bottle of Vodka. ‘The only reason that they don’t start gearing up for Christmas in January is because everyone’s too hung-over.’ He passed the bottle to Alan who opened it and handed it back.

  ‘Thanks,’ Pekka said and swallowed the contents in one.

  Sarah perched on the edge of the dressing table. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t really understand. Why can’t you just leave?’

  ‘I can’t. Everywhere I go people recognise me. If I got as far as the airport there’d be a welcome party.’

  Sarah raised an eyebrow. ‘Really?’ She said, cynically.

  ‘No, I can see that,’ Alan said. ‘Pekka here is like Lapland’s David Beckham.’

  ‘Who?’ Frankie said.

  ‘Thanks Alan.’ Pekka raised a new mini-bottle of Vodka to Alan. ‘I can live with that.’

  ‘I’m struggling to make any sense of this,’ Sarah said.

  Pekka shrugged. ‘I have a false passport,’ he said as if this fact made everything clearer.

  ‘I’ll be honest Pekka, I don’t think we can help you,’ Alan said. ‘Just leave the country. You don’t need us.’

  Pekka sat on the bed alongside Alan, kicked his off his shoes and swung his legs onto the bed. ‘Sarah,’ he said. ‘Do you have a boyfriend or husband?’

  ‘Boyfriend. Why?’

  ‘Leave him. Marry me. I can guarantee I will be better for you than he can ever be.’

  ‘He’s got a point there,’ Alan said helpfully.

  ‘Absolutely not.’ Sarah said.

  ‘Well in that case I will bid you goodnight.’ Pekka yawned. ‘I’m very drunk and very, very tired.’ He closed his eyes and immediately dropped off to sleep.

  Alan rolled off the bed. ‘For crying out loud, what’s this guy like?’

  ‘The most famous person in Lapland,’ Sarah groaned.

  *

  Alan shifted in his seat and pulled the blanket up to his chin. Across the room Sarah snuggled under the duvet.

  They had decided to retreat to Alan’s room after Pekka had passed out. Alan argued that Lapland’s most famous person would make up in the middle of the night, forget where he was and shuffle off home, most likely after having drunk all the cleaning products in the bathroom. Sarah readily agreed. Frankie laughed, which earned him a frown from Alan.

  ‘Psst…Alan.’

  Alan looked over
at Frankie, standing in the bathroom doorway. Alan padded over to his ghostly friend, shutting the door behind him.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I can’t sleep,’ Frankie gestured to the bath. ‘It’s really uncomfortable in there,’ he whispered.

  Alan looked down at the bath, a blanket and a pillow had been squeezed in to give Frankie something comfortable to sleep on. He momentarily wondered what Sarah would make of this if she woke up in the night to use the toilet.

  ‘Fancy a swap? I’ll take the chair and you can have the bath,’ Frankie whispered again.

  ‘Did you get me over here just to ask that?’ Alan’s patience was fast fading. ‘It’s been a long day. I’ve flown thousands of miles, had to pretend to be disabled because you couldn’t be arsed to walk, I’m being pestered by a drunken giant and now you want me to sleep in the bath because you don’t like it.’

  ‘It’s uncomfortable and there might be spiders,’ Frankie whispered.

  ‘Spiders..?’ Alan paused, ‘why are you whispering?’

  ‘So I don’t wake Sarah,’ Frankie explained in hushed tones.

  ‘Don’t wake Sarah,’ Alan repeated. ‘Mate, you do realise she can’t hear you. You could shout in her ear and she wouldn’t even know.’

  ‘Oh yeah, I forgot,’ Frankie whispered.

  ‘For f….’ Alan blurted out.

  ‘Alan? You OK in there?’ Sarah asked from the other side of the door.

  Alan and Frankie exchanged looks. Frankie stepped back in the bath. ‘I’ll just try and get my head down,’ he said.

  ‘Alan?’ Sarah called out.

  He opened the door and glanced into Sarah’s sleepy face.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ He asked. ‘Do you want to use the bathroom?’

  ‘I heard you talking in there. I was worried Pekka had turned up.’

  ‘No, thank God. I was…err…singing.’

  ‘Singing? It’s the middle of the night.’

  ‘I know, but I couldn’t see the door lock and I didn’t want you walking in on me.’ Alan attempted to explain.

  Sarah smiled. ‘That’s very sweet Alan.’

  ‘Well recovered, son,’ Frankie said from the bathtub. ‘Now if you wouldn’t mind turning the light off, I’m trying to get some sleep here.