Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody

by Joe Canzano

  “I’ll never forgive you,” she said with a snarl. “Maybe my father was impressed when he built you, but I doubt he’d be proud of you today.”

  “No! He would be proud of my ability to think. Your father was a brilliant man who wanted to create a new kind of intelligence that was truly human—only better. And he did it. But now, like a human, I feel sad. I feel sad about the trouble I’ve caused, and I feel sad about your father. I’ve scanned information banks and I know that he’s dead.”

  “Yeah, that’s true. Blurr killed him. I’m guessing the information banks left that part out.”

  “That’s a lie!” Blurr shouted. “It was all an accident. No one admired Antonio more than I did.”

  The machine hummed for a few seconds, almost like it was contemplating. Then it said, “Can you forgive me, Suzy? I’ll use my abilities to make the world better. I’ll make you rich so you can help Grandma Jenny. And I’ll kill Blurr.”

  “What?” Blur said. “But I just explained all that!”

  “You’re lying,” the machine replied. “I can feel it.”

  “What are you talking about? You can’t feel anything, and we had a deal! Suzy is crazy. She’s always been crazy—you know that.”

  “She isn’t crazy, Blurr, and I’ve changed my mind about our agreement. I’ll deal with you in a minute.”

  The robot fighter near the console now aimed its gun at Blurr. Somewhere outside, a series of explosions rocked the room.

  Suzy almost smiled. “Sorry, Leonardo, killing Blurr is my job—and my grandmother doesn’t want anything from you. And by the way, don’t forget to laugh.”

  She watched the robot fighter. She looked at the display showing the strength of the energy shield.

  Nothing happened.

  “I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” the machine said. “But can you forgive me?”

  Blurr eyed Suzy. “Yeah, what are you talking about?”

  “Damn,” she said, shaking her head. “It was something Aiko told me before he died. I guess I got it wrong.”

  “Well, think harder,” Blurr said. “People sometimes slur their words before they die.”

  Suzy crinkled her forehead.

  “Can you forgive me?” the machine said again. “I can help people. I can show them many things.”

  “Like what?” Suzy said with a snort. “We already know how to lie, and your lies don’t add up. Like my dad used to say, it’s all about the math.“

  There was a clicking sound—and the energy shield switched off, and the lights on the robot fighter died. In a flash, Suzy snatched her gun from the floor.

  She aimed it at the machine—but then the machine spoke again.

  “Wait!” it said. “A secret password; what a surprise. You’ve disabled most of my functionality—but I can do something else for you. I can tie into all the databases in the solar system. I can erase all records of your crimes. You could go home again, Suzy. Are you listening? You could go home!”

  “Go home?”

  Suzy paused. In her mind, she saw an image of her mother and grandmother, standing in front of the family home. They were smiling.

  “Yes,” the machine said. “It would be wonderful. Everything would be perfect—like it never happened.”

  Suzy felt her head pounding, and then the fingers of her left hand rose up and began caressing the ring hanging around her neck. Like a cloud of dust, the sweet image vanished.

  “Do you think that’s what I want?” she said in a low voice. “I want people to know it happened, just like your death is happening—again. Right now.”

  She pulled the trigger, and the reddish blob exploded. It splattered across the room in a storm of shattered chunks.

  Suzy’s face was blank as she turned the gun toward Blurr.

  “Release Ricardo,” she said.

  “No need,” Ricardo said. The robot’s grip was gone and he was free. He smiled at Suzy.

  She gave him a quick return smile.

  “Suzy, wait,” Blurr said. “I helped you figure out the password, right? We make a great team!”

  “I’m not on your team, Blurr.”

  “But killing me won’t change anything.”

  “Yes, it will. You won’t hurt anyone else. Plus I'll feel great.”

  “Suzy, listen,” Blurr said in a strained voice. “Your father meant a lot to me, and I never wanted him to die. It was all a big mistake.” He offered a forlorn look now. “Besides, I have a wife and two kids. I know you're not very forgiving, but can’t you have a little sympathy? Please?”

  “I can have a little sympathy, Blurr—and I can be forgiving. But I’m not a fanatic.”

  She pulled the trigger hard.

  Ricardo turned away to avoid getting splashed with bits of brain and skull—but Suzy didn’t budge. For a few long seconds, she stood perfectly still. Then she dropped the gun and felt Ricardo hugging her hard as the door to the control room shot open. Captain Banks and a squad of troops rushed into the room with their weapons up and ready.

  Banks stopped and surveyed the scene.

  He sighed. “Hello, Suzy Spitfire.”

  “Hello, Captain. I guess you can arrest me now.”

  “I suppose I should—but that’s not why I’m here. Follow me.”

  Chapter 44

  Suzy felt numb. She felt like an empty hole.

  Gradually, the feeling started to fade, and there were things filling her up. She rubbed her eyes and absorbed her surroundings.

  She was sitting with Ricardo by her side, in front of a desk located inside the capitol building of the government of Choccoban. Maria had been taken to the hospital, but a military doctor had already examined her and said there were no injuries. She just needed to recover from a stun blast.

  Captain Banks entered the room. In his hand was what appeared to be a heavy knapsack, and Suzy vaguely recalled having seen it before. Banks sat down behind the desk without saying a word. There was no one else in the room.

  Ricardo reached out and took Suzy’s hand. The feel of his flesh helped drive the fog from her head.

  Banks seemed to note the move but made no comment. He said, “The Chancellor of Choccoban has issued a statement. It seems he was unaware of Blurr’s criminal activity. It seems that no one will be investigating anything in regard to his statement—including me, since I’m an agent of Earth and have no jurisdiction here.”

  “Really?” Suzy said. “You sure shot the hell out of their power plant.”

  “We freed their power plant from a dangerous entity… Are you complaining?”

  “No. Maybe you’re my guardian angel.”

  Banks’s face was like stone. But was he maybe suppressing a smile?

  While Suzy was staring at Banks, she felt Ricardo squeeze her hand a bit.

  “So what’s going on?” she said. “And why aren’t you locking me up? Isn’t that the normal procedure?”

  Once again, Ricardo squeezed her hand. But this time it was less affectionate. It was a shut the hell up kind of squeeze.

  Banks shrugged. “I’ve investigated your situation, and I’m allowing you to...escape.”

  Suzy and Ricardo looked at each other.

  “Wow,” Suzy said. “You’re full of surprises, Banks. That’s nice of you. I appreciate it.”

  “Yeah,” Ricardo said. “That’s great. Thanks a lot.”

  Banks said, “You’re welcome. I’ve also decided to give you half the contents of this knapsack.”

  Suzy eyed the heavy-looking bag. “Oh, yeah? Why? Didn’t that belong to Kryl?”

  “I don’t know,” Banks said. “I found it in Blurr’s cabin. I’m sure its true history is tied up in some kind of ugliness—but that’s over now, and we’re going to put it to better use.”

  He unsnapped the top of the knapsack and turned it upside down—and out spilled a pile of coins. Suzy’s jaw dropped as she leaned forward and saw the high denominations.

  “One million earthos,” Banks said. �
��Half of them are yours. I understand you want to get your grandmother a new heart.”

  For one of the few times in her life, Suzy was speechless.

  Ricardo grinned big. “The gold has unrolled—and it’s magnificent to behold. Thank you, Captain.”

  “Yeah,” Suzy said, still struggling to talk. And then she found herself blinking back a few tears. “Thank you.”

  Banks removed a bag from a desk drawer and put half the earthos into it. He stood up, still clutching the bag, and held out his hand.

  Ricardo stood up and shook it. Suzy did the same.

  Banks said, “Suzy, I’m going to assume you did what you had to do, and I’m going to forget about it—because I think you’re worth saving. But I think you should try to do better.”

  Suzy took a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right. I’ll try.”

  “I know you will. Maybe you can even do some good.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t know how good I can be, Captain. I doubt they’ll want my application down at the police academy.”

  “I doubt it, too. After all, you’re still wanted for all those crimes. But there are other ways a person can do good, Suzy. You should give it some thought.”

  She cocked her head. Maybe that’s not such a bad idea. Then she said, “Just out of curiosity, what are you going to do with the rest of the money?”

  Banks paused, like he wasn’t sure if he should answer. Finally, he said, “My wife wants to open a clinic. She wants to help people, and this money should cover the costs. As I was saying, there are lots of ways to do good.”

  He smiled and left the room, still clutching his bag of cash.

  Ricardo turned to Suzy. “I guess this adventure is over,” he said.

  “No. Not yet.”

  “Right,” he said. Then he stepped forward and gave her a hug. “Somebody still needs a new heart. But I have to tell you something—what’s inside my heart right now feels pretty good. How about you?”

  She wanted to speak but her mind was a jumble. For a long moment, she stared into his expectant eyes. Finally, she leaned forward and gave him a kiss.

  The End

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Joe Canzano is a writer and musician who lives in New Jersey, U.S.A. For the latest news about Joe’s books, subscribe to his newsletter. You can also visit his website at www.happyjoe.net, where you’ll find more information about him than you’ll ever need. He invites you to email him at mail@happyjoe.net.

  Also by Joe Canzano

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  When Debbie de La Fontaine tries to spice up her love life by supernaturally tampering with her sex life, she is cursed to spend every future encounter in a magical place called "Sex Hell," where the sex is ludicrous and amazing but the romance is scarce. Her only chance for escape is through the stingy clues supplied by an obnoxious demon, and the only way to obtain the clues is by returning to Sex Hell again and again to have outrageous sexcapades with the man she most wants to avoid - or does she?

  Sex Hell is an absurd comic fantasy about the confusion of relationships. How is love related to sex, and how is sex related to love - and do love and sex need to be related at all?

  Note: This book contains profanity and adult situations.

  Praise for Sex Hell

  "If you're looking for something wildly out of the ordinary, Sex Hell is right up your alley... Take it to the beach where you won't be afraid to laugh out loud." - The Hungry Monster Book Review

  "The book was over the top, but that's what made it so funny! I'm talking laugh-out-loud funny! It's absurd and hilarious and involves silly sex scenes - a great read for those looking to read something off the not-so-serious side of relationships and sex." - Book Fidelity

  "If you're looking for an absurd paranormal love story that has flawed characters, funny sidekicks, dumbass villains and sexy role playing ideas then this is an entertaining read you won't want to miss." - I'm A Voracious Reader

  "...do yourself a solid and grab this book, quick! You'll be happy that you did." - Hogwash

  "It's fun, absurd, and just plain weird at times, but it you like that kind of stuff then you will like this book." - Oh My Aslan

  For a list of online retailers and direct links where you can get Sex Hell, visit this page on happyjoe.net.

  Magno Girl (novel)

  When a Manhattan pizza maker is found dead in his own dough, Magno Girl enlists the aid of her biker ninja boyfriend to help solve the crime – and quickly discovers there’s more to the pie than meets the eye, including a sinister plot that spans the globe.

  Magno Girl leaps into action. After all, she can fly, she can fight, and she can use her fearsome superpower, the “Gaze of the Guilt,” to bring a hardened criminal to his knees. But the road ahead is hard. The city’s other superheroes despise her, and the cops don’t want her around, and her own mom won’t stop spitting out advice about marrying a “respectable guy” and trading in her crime-fighting career for a baby carriage—but is she attracted to “respectable guys”? And is she interested in emotional commitment? And will finding real love be her biggest challenge of all?

  Welcome to the world of Magno Girl, an absurd place filled with humor, action, and a bit of romance.

  Note: This book contains profanity and adult situations.

  For a list of online retailers and direct links where you can get Magno Girl, visit this page on happyjoe.net.

  Praise for Magno Girl

  "The writing is quick and the wit is sharp... This is a genuinely fun book to read" - The Hungry Monster Book Review

  "For readers willing to go along for the silly ride, there's plenty of wit and sarcasm. The truth and teeth in this biting satire make it worth a look into the hidden depths beneath the surface buffoonery." - Underground Book Reviews

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  “Magno Girl and the Beast of Brooklyn” is a novella (about 40 pages) filled with action and absurdity. It’s a tale of “boy-meets-girl” – but the girl’s a little different, and the guy likes it that way.

  You can read about Magnolia’s further adventures in the full-length novel, “Magno Girl.”

  Disclaimer: There is no rice in Moo Goo Gai Pan. I’m a fiction writer, not a restaurant blogger. – Joe

  For a list of online retailers and direct links where you can get Magno Girl and the Beast of Brooklyn, visit this page on happyjoe.net.

  Ground and Pound (short story)

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  Ground and Pound is a rip-roaring short story about love and sex and the UFC. It’ll knock you out.

  Note: This book contains profanity and adult situations.

  For a list of online retailers and direct links where you can get Ground and Pound, visit this page on happyjoe.net. At most places IT IS FREE!

  For the latest news about Joe’s books, subscribe to his newsletter!

 

 

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