by Fields, MJ
The team rides together on a bus, along with the dance team, which Lily is a member of. We’ve never had them or the cheerleaders accompany us, but since this is the state championship, they’re coming to show their support.
She’s up front with the other girls and I’m near the back with the guys, but that doesn’t stop us from talking over rows, teasing each other back and forth.
At the game, I’m in the bullpen warming up when I hear him. “Hey, shithead. Don’t fuck up tonight. Everyone’s watching.” I cringe at the sound of his voice and turn to see my dad stomping up to the fence with a smug look on his face. My mom grabs his arm, trying to pull him away. “Get off me, woman! Who do you think you are?” There’s a slight slur to his words, and I wish I could blame his actions all on alcohol, but the truth is he’s just an asshole.
My head drops as I roll the ball around in my glove, practicing different holds while focusing on my breathing. When I finally have the nerve to glance up, I see him headed toward his seat. My mom gives me the same I’m sorry look I’ve gotten most of my life.
By the way my father’s acting, you’d think he was here to cheer on the other team. He’s not the supportive, you’ve got this kind of dad. No, he keeps chanting, “Don’t fuck up.”
Other dads have said a few words to him, but if they’re smart, they’ll keep to themselves and not bother him or it will just make it worse. I’m already mortified enough and just trying to keep my focus on the batter instead of the asshole I hope one day to find out isn’t my biological father.
Thankfully, after a few innings, he calms down somewhat and changes his harsh chant to an awful glare with sporadic words right when I need to concentrate the most.
After a while, my coach comes to the mound in an effort to calm my nerves. “I’m sorry, Trev. I had no idea he was this bad.”
I shake my head, turning away from him, embarrassed. This is the first time my teammates encountered him. The sideways glares sting, but I try to ignore them.
“Hey.” My attention snaps back to the coach in front of me who’s trying to help me make my dreams come true. I kick the dirt on the mound while he talks. “Don’t listen to him. You’ve got this. I have faith in you, and I know you can make this happen. Just focus and do your best,” he encourages me while slapping my back.
I thank him and get back to the game, striking out the next two batters.
It’s not until the ninth inning that my team gets their first hit. I cringe every time my dad makes a snide remark when each kid struck out or didn’t make it on base. But when it came to me, he was particularly vulgar. By far, the worst part is all the other family members and classmates witnessing firsthand what my life is really like. However, the one that cuts the deepest is Lily.
She’s not clueless. I know she has an idea of how bad things are, but we’ve never actually spoken about how abusive he truly is. Thankfully, he’s never hit my face again, but he’s taken more than a few whacks with his belt against my bare-skinned back. It didn’t take him long to figure out people ask questions if the bruises actually show, so he’s mastered the fine art of hidden reminders. Marks no one else sees, yet we’re unable to forget.
Now it’s the bottom of the ninth. We are up one to zero with two outs. This is it. I take a deep breath, calming my nerves while I look at my catcher who’s calling my pitches.
I dig my foot into the mound, take a deep breath, wind up, and throw. “Strike one!” the ump yells out.
While the crowd roars, my dad sits, giving me a death stare. Ignoring him, I pick my next pitch, wind up, and throw. “Strike two!” The words reverberate in my head. I need one more.
With the ball in hand, I turn my back to the stands and the batter. I can’t focus with him staring at me like that. Deep breath in then slowly let it out.
I turn around to choose my pitch, wind up, and throw. “Strike three!”
“Yeeeeeeessssss!” I scream out as the emotion overloads my brain and my body, falling to my knees. The entire team clears the bench and the field, all joining me on the mound, celebrating our success. I’m hoisted onto the shoulders of a few senior players as everyone jumps around.
I make the mistake of looking toward the stands, only to see my mom trying to stop my father from walking away, ignoring our win, and actually appearing pissed off. I should have expected this, but for some reason, it hurts more than if he had punched me straight in the face. Maybe it’s the embarrassment of it being in front of my peers, or that regardless of what I do, he’s never proud—whatever it is, this bruise will never heal.
After her futile attempt to stop him, our eyes meet before she turns her head, ashamed to even look at me.
The entire team lines up for the trophy presentation, and the stands erupt again when we’re announced as State Champions.
With the exception of my asshole dad, today is quite possibly the best day of my life. Unable to imagine it getting much better, we walk off the field and there stands Lily. She’s always the one cheering me on…my true champion.
“You guys did it!” she hollers, unable to stand still. With one big jump, she latches onto my neck, hugging me tighter than she ever has.
Lost in the moment, I pick her up, swinging her around, finally able to celebrate with someone who’s important to me.
Somehow, my dad still manages to ruin the moment when I glance over just in time to see him shove my mom against the gate. Leaving her alone, he storms out the back of the stadium.
I carefully put Lily down on the ground before walking toward them.
“Trevin.” Lily grabs my arm to stop me.
“Lily, I can’t let her go home with him like this. Not alone anyway.” The pain radiating from her eyes is a stab to the heart, but I need to go protect my mom right now.
“Hey, Coach,” I yell, standing only a few feet away. “I’m heading home with my mom, okay?”
He turns, fully looking at me now. “You sure about that, Trev?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. She doesn’t need to be alone.”
He nods before clapping me on the shoulder and shaking my hand. “Good job tonight. You made the team proud.”
“Thank you.” I start to run toward my parents before turning back to Lily. “I’ll call you later, okay?”
She offers me a weak smile and nod, and then I’m back running to the gate to reach my parents before they leave.
Everyone is still celebrating, leaving us alone in the parking lot, and with the way he’s been acting tonight, I just want to get home quickly without him causing more of a scene.
My mom stands by the car, leaning against the driver’s side door and putting up a fight with my dad when I walk up. “Richard, I don’t think you should drive. You’re drunk and it’s not safe,” she pleads with obvious fear in her eyes.
I’m proud she’s actually standing up to him. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her do anything like this.
“Shut up, bitch.” The words slur and he raises his hand as though he’s going to hit her, but thankfully, doesn’t. “Get your ass in the car.”
“No, Dad!” I yell. “Let her drive.” I don’t know where my assertiveness comes from, but when I continue, I issue a threat I wasn’t sure I was ready to follow through on. “Or I'll go have Coach call the cops, and then they can pull you over and haul you off to jail.”
His nostrils flare when a deep growl releases from his chest, and then he stomps to the passenger side. My mom’s lips push together in a shy thank you when she looks my direction and reaches for me, giving me a brief hug. “I’m proud of you, Trevin. You did great tonight.” She kisses my cheek before I hop in the backseat behind her, glad I was able to defuse the situation for once.
There’s no music streaming through the speakers. The only sounds filling the air around us are of my father grunting and the tires spinning on the asphalt. With no streetlights and only a few cars passing by, the roads are dark, leaving only the headlights of our old beat up Buick to light the way.<
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Tension is thick in the air. In a feeble attempt to calm the emotion, my mom speaks up. “Honey, aren’t you proud of Trevin tonight?”
He glares in her direction, not saying a word but squints his eyes when he looks back at me, giving me a look of death. The scowl on his face could have frightened the meanest of men.
“Don’t you think so, dear? I still can’t believe they won the state championships!” My mom’s tone overflows with pride.
“That doesn’t mean shit. All this baseball shit is pointless. It’s not going to get you anywhere,” he spits out, glaring over his shoulder at me.
My blood starts to boil. I’ve had enough, and everything is about to finally spill over.
“You know he’ll always be the same useless piece of shit he is right now.” He sneers in disgust, and I finally pop.
“Really, Dad, like you? Is that what you mean? Because you know what, I could be a ball player. Coach says I have a good chance at a college scholarship.”
“Yeah right, college my ass. You ain’t going nowhere. You’ll end up being a shithead loser, probably living in my house forever, still trying to get in that little girl’s pants next door.”
I sit up, as close as I can to the front seat to get in his face. “What did you say?”
“Okay, okay, calm down. Let’s just stop all this nonsense,” my mom says, only making the situation worse rather than trying to eliminate it.
“What did you say, bitch?” My dad grabs a fistful of her hair and brings it down to the middle of the bench seats. The sudden attack catches my mom off guard and her hands yank the steering wheel down when her head hits the seat, causing the car to swerve. A force I’ve never felt swings me through the air, throwing me against the door as we slide to the left, then right, and before I can grab ahold of anything, the car starts a barrel roll.
Pain radiates through my head as it smacks the roof of the car, then slams into the window, shattering it. I close my eyes in an effort to block the glass from doing any more damage. My upper body collides with the headrest of the driver’s seat, and my seatbelt starts to play tug-of-war with my body as the force throws me around the car.
Instantly, a white-hot, searing pain radiates from my right shoulder and rips through my body. Seconds later, everything goes black.
An eerie silence surrounds me when I pry my eyes open. Nothing but stars cover the night sky. Thoughts of where I am, or if I’m even alive, cross my mind briefly. I mentally try to focus on every part of my body before trying to move. When I wiggle my fingers, all I can feel is dirt and something wet seeping in through my uniform. Realization strikes me hard when the memory of my body breaking open the panel that held my seatbelt and being thrown from the car flashes through my mind. I try to shift, but the stabbing pain shooting down my right arm stops me instantly.
After a few failed attempts, I’m finally able to sit up, shaking my head before I look around for the car and my parents. Behind me, the car rests upside down on its hood and my dad climbs out, stumbling to the ground. But there’s no sign of movement from my mom. Using every ounce of strength I can muster, I stumble to my feet, bracing my right arm. Even the smallest change in position sends a screeching pain from my shoulder to my fingertips, but I have to get to my mom.
He sees me trying to make my way back to her and walks straight toward me, holding out his finger as though he’s going to scold me. “Listen, Trevin, and listen good. Nothing happened in that car just then. A deer ran out in front of your mom and she swerved to miss it.”
“But—”
“Don’t you fucking but me, you little prick. This is what you say or I’ll make sure you never leave the house again. You hear me, fucker? I’ll lock you in your room and make your life a living hell. You got that?”
He’s fucking serious. He wants to blame this all on mom and a damn deer!
Pushing my protest aside, I focus on more important things—my mom. Only a few feet away and I still haven’t heard or seen anything from her. He didn’t even bother to check on her before he set out his plan to threaten me, making sure he didn’t get arrested for any wrongdoing.
I shove past him and approach her side of the car. Screams fill my lungs but nothing comes out, and my brain doesn’t know how to function by putting sound to my vocal chords.
All I see is blood. And the smell is pungent—metallic.
A crimson color covers her face, pooling down her arm, and even worse, the thick substance pours off the glass sticking out of her neck.
Instinctively, I reach up to try to stop the bleeding before I remember the agony in my shoulder. The tearing sound rings in my ears and crippling agony rips through my arm, finally allowing screams to exit my mouth in the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt.
I fall to my back as red lights and sirens fill the darkness. Shock takes over my world, and I struggle just to keep my eyes open.
“Hello, I’m Matt, I’m a paramedic. Do you know where you are?” A man’s voice hits my ears as he checks my vitals, bringing me back to the now. “Stay with me here.”
“Yes, we were in an accident,” I try to respond.
“Do you know your name?”
“Yes, it’s Trevin, Trevin Allen.”
“Trevin, you’ve been in an accident. I’m here to help you.”
“I know, my mom…she’s still in the car.” I try to sit up, but he places his hand on my chest in an attempt to keep me down.
“We know. My partner has her. Let’s focus on you right now. Can you move your legs?”
“Yes, I can, but my right arm hurts like hell.” With clenched teeth, I moan as pain rips through me again when I try to lift it.
“It’s okay, don’t move it. Let me stabilize you and we’ll get you to the ambulance. Is the other man your father?”
I don’t answer, just grit my teeth and nod.
“We have someone else tending to him, but he seems to be doing okay. He’s here though, so don’t worry. I want you to focus on your breathing—in through the nose, out through the mouth. Do you hurt anywhere else?”
“No, just my arm.”
“We have another paramedic behind you, and both of us are going to lift you to the gurney once I stabilize your arm, okay?”
I nod, dropping my head to the ground, focusing on my breathing to manage the pain and calm my racing thoughts.
Not too long afterward, they lift me up and roll me over to the ambulance where I’m greeted by a police officer. “Son, can I ask you a few questions before you go?”
My jaw flexes as I grind my teeth in an effort to keep quiet, laying my head down, trying to ignore the pain and the questions.
“Your father here says a deer jumped out in front of the car, causing your mom to swerve off the road and hit the ditch.”
I still don’t say a word, just nod in response.
He pats my leg. “Don’t worry, son. This kind of thing happens all the time. Those deer jump out of nowhere. Even the most experienced of drivers get into accidents. Sometimes, there’s just nothing anyone can do.”
But there was something I could’ve done. I was here to protect my mom, yet I seemed to make the situation worse, and now…
“But my mom. Where’s my mom?” I ask in a complete panic.
The cop looks at Matt, the paramedic, who looks down, not answering my question. But his face says it all.
She’s gone.
Her life is over, and it’s my fault.
Five
Hate, disgust, but mostly fear
That’s what I feel whenever you’re near
- Trevin Allen
Trevin – Age 15
My life has been shit since that fateful day. My mom died in that car and my dad lied to the police, and got away with it.
It all came back to me. I was the only one who could put him away forever for killing my mom, and believe me, the thought crossed my mind a few times. I wanted his life to end like hers did—painfully.
Keeping his se
cret was killing me, eating me alive, but the alternatives didn’t prove to be any better. I wasn’t convinced telling anyone the truth would even make a difference since he wasn’t actually driving. I honestly don’t know what the laws are regarding causing an accident that killed someone. And I worried about where I’d go if they did arrest him. I have an uncle on my dad’s side who lives in Colorado, but I haven’t seen him since I was five—they might send me there, or hell, even worse would be foster care. One thing is for sure: they’d take me away from Lily, and right now, she’s the only reason I was still breathing. Unwilling to risk losing her, I keep his secret. I’ll sacrifice anything to keep her in my life.
My dad didn’t give my mom a proper funeral. Just acted like nothing happened and went on with his pathetic, drunken life. I was in the hospital for two weeks and he barely came by to say hi. I underwent two surgeries to repair my shoulder, and now I’m sitting in my doctor’s office with Lily by my side, because my dad couldn’t give two shits about my life.
As the months tick by, the countless hours of physical therapy don’t seem to help, and my chances of ever playing baseball again slip further and further away.
The doctor walks in with the results from my latest MRI. I wrap my fingers around Lily’s, waiting for my fate. “Well, Trevin, I’m afraid I have bad news.”
My chest tightens and I know this is it. I’m done.
“I’m sorry, son, but your shoulder doesn’t seem to be repairing the way we hoped, and I just don’t see you ever pitching again.”
Lily grips my hand tighter as I drop my head back against the chair, completely deflated. My mother’s dead, I can no longer play ball and my home life gets more destructive by the day, leaving me afraid to even sleep sometimes.
I have nothing to say in response, so I stand up and leave his office without looking back. I hear Lily apologize to the doctor and run after me, but I don’t stop. I need to be alone.
“Trev, please stop, wait for me,” she pleads from behind.