Here and Now

by Constance O'Day-Flannery

  Somehow, Suzanne felt that she had the best part of being with a man, a friendship, a partnership—that they were in it together, and would support each other no matter what.

  Two days later, it shouldn’t have surprised her when, as she was putting Matty down for the night, Charlie appeared at the nursery door with a worried look on his face.

  “What’s wrong?” she whispered, as she led him into the hallway.

  “Someone is here to see you.”

  “Now? Who is it?”

  “A woman. She said her name is Ingrid. She’s the one who used to be your friend, isn’t she?”

  Suzanne felt a wash of anger and dread. “Tell her I’m busy. I don’t want to see her.”

  “I told her you were with the baby and she said she would wait. She’s in the house.”

  “I don’t care. Tell her to leave.” Really, what nerve, to barge in here without calling.

  “Don’t get upset. I’ll handle it.” He turned to leave.

  She watched him descend the stairs when all of a sudden she called out, “Wait!”

  Charlie turned around on the stairway.

  “Tell her I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

  “You’re up to this?”

  “Might as well get it over with. I can’t postpone talking to her forever.”

  “Right,” he said with a nod and a smile of encouragement while turning to go down the rest of the stairs.

  Suzanne took a deep breath and then nearly ran into her bedroom. She threw open her closet and surveyed her wardrobe. She still couldn’t wear most of her clothes, but she was determined to look the best she could when she had this confrontation. And she knew it was going to be one hell of a confrontation too. If Ingrid wanted this, then she intended to get some answers. The truth might be nice for a change.

  Flipping through a row of blouses, she picked one that she’d worn in the beginning of her pregnancy. It was pale yellow silk and would go well with her jeans. She could leave it out to hide the small belly that she still had. No time to change pants. She pulled off the cotton sweater she’d worn all day, dropped it to the floor, and then quickly put on the blouse as she hurried into the bathroom. Looking at herself in the mirror, she was grateful she had washed her hair that very morning and she only needed to fluff the short curly wisps around her face. She opened a drawer and grabbed concealer, mascara, blush, and lipstick. Within minutes she finished and then took a deep breath as she surveyed her reflection.

  She looked fairly put together and was presentable. Maybe too much lipstick. She was at home, after all, and didn’t want Ingrid to think she’d gone through all this for her, which of course she had. Grabbing some toilet paper, she wiped off her lipstick. There. That was better.

  Suzanne squared her shoulders, nodded back to her reflection, and left the bathroom figuring she was as prepared as she was going to get. She kept her chin held high as she walked down the steps. Ingrid was sitting in the family room. Her back was to Suzanne but she could tell Ingrid was sitting stiffly. It was obvious she was uncomfortable being in the house. A flash of all the evenings Ingrid had thrown her feet up onto the sofa and shared a glass of wine and an evening of companionship played out in seconds, but Suzanne wiped those memories away. That was the past. She had to learn, and remember, that the past was over.

  “Ingrid.” She said her name as she walked around the front of the sofa and sat in a wing chair by the fireplace. She said no more, not wanting to encourage any degree of friendship. That had definitely ended.

  “I know why Kevin is intimidated by this man who’s living with you now. He seems very protective of you.”

  “I don’t think that’s what you came here to discuss. Or are you now spying for Kevin?”

  Ingrid seemed to swallow hard. Her hands were tightly clasped together in her lap. “Thanks for seeing me, Suzanne,” she said in a low voice, as she started over. “I need to talk to you, to tell you how sorry I am for everything. Neither one of us planned to hurt you like this, but—”

  “Excuse me?” She really had no intention of interrupting, wanting to make this as difficult as possible for Ingrid, but that last statement just couldn’t be ignored. “Neither of you planned on hurting me?” she asked in an incredulous voice. “Just what did you think sleeping together was going to do to me? Or didn’t you think at all?”

  “I don’t know how to say this…”

  “If you came here to make some statement, then just make it. But do try to keep to the truth. You can recognize truth, right?”

  “Please, Suz—just hear me out. I know we’ve deceived you and hurt you. I know I can never make this right, but the truth had to come out.”

  She refused to allow Ingrid to ingratiate herself by using her nickname or by the tears that were gathering at her dark eyes. Grinding her back teeth to remain in some semblance of control, Suzanne muttered, “The truth finally did come out. When Kevin told me he’d been screwing around with you for over a year… my God, who are you? I don’t even know you anymore. I wonder if I ever did.”

  “You knew me, Suzanne,” she said with a sniffle. “I loved you like a sister and—”

  “Stop,” Suzanne interrupted. “Do not say that. Remember, we’re sticking to the truth now.”

  “Okay,” Ingrid said with a deep shuddering sigh. She wiped her eyes, and looked directly across the space that separated them. “You just didn’t know all of me, the part of me that has loved Kevin since our senior year of college.”

  Now that stopped her. “You loved Kevin for all these years?” Just when she thought nothing could surprise her… this!

  Things started falling into place. All those nights together, the three of them, laughing and playing with each other. A few times she’d noticed that Kevin’s hands would linger a fraction of a second too long on Ingrid, but she’d put it down to too much wine. Now she knew the flirtatious friendship had been more than that. No wonder every man Ingrid dated turned out to be the wrong one. “How long, Ingrid?” she demanded. “Tell me the truth. Kevin said it had only been a year. Now I want to know it all.”

  “It started in college when you two were dating,” she muttered, glancing at Suzanne and then looking down to her knees. “Just one night when you had to come home for your aunt’s funeral. We were drinking and… one thing led to another and we wound up in bed together. Suzanne, I’d never had a night like that before.”

  “I don’t want the details,” Suzanne spit out, wondering if Ingrid was talking about the same man. Kevin was never a hot lover. Kind of methodical and—

  “Well, we both knew we never should have done it, but we just couldn’t stop seeing each other. We were always thrown together because… well, because we both wanted to be with you too. It’s like we had to fight the attraction.”

  “So this took place the entire time?” Suzanne asked in a weird fascination that was mixed with outrage and disbelief. It was like watching a shipwreck from outside her own body.

  “Sometimes we could fight it for two or three years and then—”

  “Wait. Are you telling me that you and Kevin have been having these… these sexual romps on and off for over fifteen years?”

  Ingrid looked as if she had been hit as she slumped back on the sofa. She put her hand over her eyes and nodded as she tried to control her tears.

  Suzanne couldn’t have cared. She shot up out of her chair and stared at the woman, this stranger who sat on her sofa. “Why the hell did he ever marry me, then?”

  Ingrid looked up at her. “I… wouldn’t marry him.”

  Now Suzanne felt like some invisible fist had punched her in the gut. Immediately she wound her arms across her belly, as though to protect it. “What do you mean, Ingrid?” she demanded, though a part of her didn’t want to hear the answer.

  “You know me, Suzanne,” she said, sniffling and wiping the moisture off her cheek. “I was on the fast track. I told myself I couldn’t settle for a fruit farmer, even if his family owned the b
iggest orchard in the county. I wanted more.”

  “And you got more when Kevin sold the land, is that it? Then he was good enough for you?” My God, this was worse than a soap opera!

  “I don’t need his money. You know I’ve done very well for myself.”

  “Why did he marry me, Ingrid?”

  The woman shook her head, as if she couldn’t say it. “You never deserved all this, Suzanne,” she muttered against a stream of fresh tears.

  “Why did he marry me, Ingrid?” she nearly yelled.

  When she saw that Ingrid wasn’t capable of telling her, she found her own throat pushing air past her teeth, past her lips, forming words. “He married me to stay close to you, my best friend.” She sank back onto the chair and stared at the rug under the coffee table. “He lied to me, used me, deceived me into thinking he loved me when he really loved you, but couldn’t have you!”

  Ingrid started crying small sobs, and shaking her head. “You… you never deserved this. I couldn’t tell you. I started to once, but then I was afraid of losing our friendship.”

  “What friendship?” Suzanne demanded, still reeling from the shock. “It was one-sided. My God, the two of you… all these years… trusting you both… thinking how great it was that we were all so close. He married me to stay close to you!”

  Ingrid didn’t say anything and Suzanne’s mind was spilling out thoughts one on top of the other. “This means the prenup is null and void. He married me under false pretenses.”

  Ingrid’s face was ravaged as she looked up at her. “I’ll never testify to what I’ve just told you, Suzanne. I… I just thought it was time you knew the truth. You never deserved this. And having your baby all alone like that. God, I’m so very sorry about all of it.”

  Ingrid’s flow of tears couldn’t penetrate what was wrapping around her heart. Where had she been all these years not to have known something like this was happening? She and Kevin had broken up after college while she started her career, but he’d kept pursuing her through the years, off and on they had dated, while she had dated others, until six years ago, when she honestly had thought Kevin McDermott must surely love her never to have given up on her. And all this time it had been about Ingrid, staying as close as possible to the one constant woman in her life, the woman who wouldn’t marry him. She felt so foolish for trusting, for loving them both. She stared at her once best friend, who was shaking her head and crying.

  “So now you’ll finally marry him, after the two of you have played God with my life. You both used me.” Just saying it made bile rise in her throat.

  “It must seem that way to you, but I never wanted to hurt you. Especially like this. But yes, I want to be married now.”

  It was as though a bolt of lightning came right through the roof and slammed her smack in the head. Ingrid looked pretty bad, tired and worn, and it couldn’t all be a result of her guilt. Suzanne whispered the insane thought that was flashing in her mind like a neon sign.

  “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”

  11

  Ingrid looked at her with an expression of desperation as fresh tears streamed down her face. Running her hands through her long, dark hair, she closed her eyes briefly and then nodded.

  “How long?” Suzanne breathed through her fingers over her mouth.

  “Four months. I never would have pushed him if… if I wasn’t so scared.”

  Suzanne got up from the chair and started pacing in front of the fireplace. “That means when he stopped having sex with me because I was pregnant, he was impregnating you! Dear God, is there no end to that man’s arrogance?” She paused for a moment, staring at the shrunken shell of a woman before her. “Oh, Ingrid, I feel sorry for you. I’m getting out of it, but you’re jumping in headfirst. You don’t have to marry a man because you’re pregnant. You could raise the child on your own. Think about what you’re doing!”

  “I love him, Suzanne. I have since I was twenty-one years old.”

  And then she knew, no matter what she said, it would fall upon deaf ears. It wasn’t her place to save Ingrid. She’d made a choice many years ago and was playing out the drama of her life.

  But this was one soap opera she, herself, was exiting as quickly as possible.

  “Now you know everything. I’ve talked Kevin into giving you eight million,” Ingrid said as she stood up and picked up her car keys from the coffee table. “I know nothing can ever repay you for what we’ve done, but I hope someday you find happiness.”

  Suzanne couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. She felt as if she’d explode if she tried. Ingrid was pregnant with Kevin’s child! “So our children will be related. Great! I’ll never be out of this mess!” Tears drenched her face and burned her cheeks.

  Ingrid walked toward the front door and Suzanne followed her, too stunned to add anything else. They had both used her for years. Everything, all her memories, felt like a lie.

  Ingrid opened the door, but didn’t look back. “I know you may never forgive me, but I want you to know that you were the sister I never had. Thank you for all those years of being there for me. I didn’t deserve you.”

  “You’re right, Ingrid. You didn’t,” she whispered as the door closed behind the woman she too had thought of as her sister.

  Firmly wiping the wet streams from her face, Suzanne stared at the closed door for the longest time, absorbing the shock, feeling it move into her body and take hold. Her marriage was a lie. Her friendship with Ingrid was a lie. All of it, everything in the last fifteen years, was an illusion. She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped in fright.

  “I couldn’t help but overhear some of it,” Charlie whispered, running his hand over her back in small circles of comfort. “Come sit down.”

  She allowed him to steer her back into the family room. “It was all a lie, Charlie,” she muttered.

  He put his arm around her shoulders and felt a slight tremble in her body. He’d tried not to listen, but when Suzanne had yelled, asking why Kevin had married her, he couldn’t help but hear the answer. From that point on he was vigilant, waiting to see if Suzanne would need him, for he was prepared to remove Ingrid from the house if necessary.

  He sat in the corner of the sofa and pulled her down with him. Without thought, he took her into his arms and she instinctively curled her upper body into his as she buried her face in his chest and began to cry, deep body-wracking sobs of anguish. Holding her tightly with one arm, he began to stroke her hair with the other. “It’s all right, Suzie. Cry it out; get it out of you.”

  “All of it was a lie,” she wailed in what sounded like a little girl’s hurt voice.

  “I know,” he murmured, wondering what kind of people play with lives like that. A picture of Mitch Davies ran across his mind and he banished it quickly. There were people in the world who really didn’t care what they did to others. People without conscience. The war should have taught him that. His heart opened to Suzanne, that she would have to go through this kind of pain. Hadn’t she had enough?

  He sat with her, holding her, stroking her, listening to her sorrow, and it was then he realized how natural it all felt. Perhaps it was because they were friends, but secretly he knew it was more than that. She just felt right in his arms. There was no other way of putting it. She belonged there. Immediately he realized how inappropriate his thoughts were and tried to banish the feeling, but it simply wouldn’t go away. She fit. A fleeting image of holding Grace flashed and he knew it hadn’t felt like this. In some distant part of his brain he now knew that marrying a woman he didn’t really love would have been just as damaging as what Kevin had done to Suzanne. Grace had loved him, like Suzanne had loved Kevin… maybe they both thought if they loved enough they could make it work. He now realized that Grace would have been disappointed with him. For as he held Suzanne even tighter and rested his chin on the top of her blond curls, he knew he had never felt like this before—not with any other woman in his life. Was it possible, he wondered, had he
come to this time to find—the emotion rushing through his body was demanding a definition—love?

  He loved Suzanne?

  His body became rigid with the thought. He stilled his hand for just a moment as he tried to think about it. It was so strange, so totally beyond him, that he tried to rationalize it away. He had never known any other woman like Suzanne. He had never become friends, real friends, with a woman before. They had bonded because he had been thrown into this time, into her life, at a time when she needed him and he needed her. There were so many reasons to believe that what he was feeling wasn’t love. But how could he explain how he felt, holding her in his arms like this?

  “Ingrid’s pregnant,” Suzanne muttered, sniffling as she hiccuped and wiped at her eyes.

  He held the back of her head tighter and breathed in the floral scent of her hair. “I know. I heard it. I’m so sorry, Suzanne.”

  “That’s why he wants to protect their names,” she said. “That’s all he cares about now. What a total shit he is! Getting Ingrid pregnant while I was pregnant! What kind of man does that?”

  “I wish I could wipe away this pain for you, but I can’t. I know it’s hard for you right now, but the faster you get out of this situation the better.” It was all he could think to say.

  “I’ll never be free of him!” she cried, as the tears resumed. “He’s Matty’s father and now my son will have a brother or sister and… and I’ll be tied to this ugliness for the rest of my life!”