The Beauty of Our Weapons

by Jilly Paddock

  I curled my hand into a fist, oblivious to the screech of my nails against the metal. Who hadn’t heard this line before, from lovers or friends, the self-pitying ‘I’m not good enough, you deserve better’ pitch? Never before had it summoned such a cold knot of absolute dread in my guts. I didn’t want to lose Zenni. I had to play this scene dead right for the first time in my life.

  “The time we’ve had together has been the best part of my life,” I said, feeling my way slowly, as if my eyes had been put out. “You’ve taught me so much. I’d never seen the truths that prop up this facade of life, never discovered so much that was worthwhile in myself. Without you I’d still be a selfish, spiteful brat wallowing in self-pity all the way along my narrow-minded walk to the grave. Without you now, I’m only half a person. I need you, Zenni, more than you can ever imagine. So you ran out on me on Tambouret in the face of a demon? I can forgive that. Don’t run out on me again here, because refusing to remake our link is just as much a betrayal as breaking it was there!”

  “Paired to me, you’ll never have a normal life,” he reminded.

  “Do you really think I could settle down on Earth after all the faraway places we’ve been to?” I grinned. “Your Anna’s not the kind to build a home and fill it with children. Normal life—who needs it? I’ve never really fit into any normal category and I’m not about to conform now! I need the spice of the unknown, the thrill of a fresh mystery, and perhaps I even need the danger. I need you inside my head to keep me sane. Would you deny me that and cast me into the madhouse?”

  “What about Jeb?”

  “Jeb is a fantastic person and I love him dearly.” I slid down to my knees, pressing my cheek against the satin metal. “But not half as much as I love you. If he left me I’d be shattered, but I’d survive. If you leave me, there’s nothing left. Remember this—I came halfway across the galaxy under my own steam, one jump at a time, to get you back, and I’d do it all over again, even after what happened back there in the Forest of Dreams!”

  “I fear you put too much trust in me, Anna. I’m only a machine.”

  I played my last card, the Ace of Hearts, as wild as they come. “Tom had Oona taken from him and he still grieves over the loss, so many years later. Don’t do that to me, don’t condemn me to a lifetime of remorse! Link with me, Zenni, please! I’ll beg if I have to, scream, cry... whatever it takes!”

  “If that’s your final choice?”

  “I choose, I choose!”

  His presence rushed into me, a disorganised flood that swept me along in its wonderful chaos. Guilt met joy, fizzed and dissolved, all his fears swallowed up in my delight, pain obliterated beyond remembrance. When he reached that inner core of my mind that was his home, he was cleansed, once more my self-assured and ever-reliable partner.

  How could I be so very stupid? he demanded ruefully. To cut myself off from you was madness, I see that now. I spent hours weighing up all the variables and it seemed the best thing to do, to make a clean break of it. So well thought-out, so logical and so wrong!

  Your circuits were awry, tinhead. I expect you needed the tranquility of a human mind to balance them up again.

  Tranquil? Your mind? He chuckled. Anna, it’s like rush-hour all the time in here!

  I do know. Now, promise me this—I want no more recriminations, no soul-searching and no further threats to leave for good.

  I promise, cross my control program-matrix and hope for disconnection! This time he laughed, an honest human guffaw and I was caught up in the hilarity, unshed tears leaking from my eyes. I turned my head to wipe the wetness from my cheeks and the laughter froze on my lips.

  Jeb stood in the hatchway, his mind opaque and barred to me. As I saw him, he smiled lightly. “Hi, Anna. I guessed you’d find us as soon as you could.”

  “How long have you been there?” I was acutely aware that most of my conversation with Zenni had been out loud.

  “Long enough.” He shrugged elaborately, but I glimpsed the pain in the depths of his eyes. “Don’t worry, girl. I knew what I was getting into right from the start. Mother always said that complement pairing must be a pretty close relationship, but I never appreciated how deep an emotional bond it could be.”

  “It isn’t always like this,” Zenni said. “Anna and I are rather unusual. The rest of our peer-group keep their computers at a safe distance, more on the footing of a friendly business association.”

  “I believe your closeness is a major factor in your success as a pair.” Jeb moved to my side, helped me to my feet and draped a robe around my shoulders. “Here, put this on. You must be frozen in that paper gown, and white isn’t a good colour for you. Are you hungry?”

  I met his open grey gaze, but his thoughts were still hidden from me. “Jeb, you don’t understand—”

  “Don’t think I seek to judge you, Anna. Zenni is your first love and always will be, while I’m just a friend, allbeit a very good one. Well, that’s fine by me. I don’t intend to meddle with the set-up or change things. I don’t have the right—”

  I laid three fingers across his mouth to get silence. “Listen to me, just for a moment. It’s true that Zenni and I operate almost as one person, but we aren’t a closed system. There’s room enough for you as well. All you have to do is let go of this privacy kick and let us into your mind.”

  His stare dropped to the floor. “I’m not sure I dare,” he said very quietly. “You’re too powerful. I’m no better than any of the others, you see. Even I fear you.”

  “You’ve no cause to fear.” I cupped his cheek in my hand. “The offer stands, now or whenever you care to take it up. Think about it.”

  “Now is good enough.” He took a deep breath and lowered his mindshield. “Be gentle with me, both of you!”

  I slid around the bricks of his crumbling wall and down into the levels of his conscious thoughts. His amazement and my amusement meshed into weird patterns inside his head.

  “Hey, it didn’t hurt!”

  Ssh! You don’t have to speak for me to hear, I reminded silently. And you insult me, Dr Lucas! As if I’d be inept enough to hurt a willing recipient! My professional pride is bruised!

  Sorry, Anna, I just kinda expected... never mind... He probed the stream of thought between us, stumbling into unguarded areas of my brain. Is this what you and Zenni share?

  This link is as solid as ours.

  Jeb physically jumped at Zenni’s appearance and I giggled, sharing his fright and subsequent embarrassment. The latter didn’t last long in the face of my humour. It’s amazing! Instant action and reaction, such close-coupled feedback—no wonder you act so fast in a threat situation.

  I’m not sure we should have let him in here! I moaned. He knows too much.

  I agree. Jargon is my province. Still, as he is in, shall we give him a taste of the ropes?

  Shut your eyes, Jeb. I quelled his protest. Just do it. Things will move quicker if you don’t stop to question.

  Jeb shrugged and obeyed. I lent him my vision and he gaped at the sight of himself from another’s point of view. It wasn’t a comfortable image, sallow-skinned, bleary-eyed and framed by a week’s growth of beard, but I painted it to flatter as much as I dared. Odd, isn’t it? You’re used to seeing an image in a mirror and it takes time to get used to yourself the true way round.

  The unexpected inversion? He raised one hand, disconcerted to watch the wrong one respond. The way the world sees me?

  Not exactly. No human eye is a camera, so it isn’t a faithful image. It’s coloured by the way I feel about you, by the way I want to see you. I guess it’s no different to how you see me. I eased deeper into his brain, drawing him further into mine. My fingers were still in the stubble on his cheek; I traced the line of it, then the curve of his neck and tracked down across his chest, under his towelling robe. You know how this feels from the inside—this is how it feels to me. Touch me.

  His fingertips were trembling as they brushed across my eyelid, slid moistly along my
lower lip and paused in the pulse-point in my throat. His other hand was no steadier as it briefly cupped my breast. I relayed the inner sensations faithfully and, almost without meaning to, leaked a warm package of affection and desire into his head. My emotions aroused him, there was no mistaking that, but his eyes snapped wide open and he pushed me away from him with unexpected violence.

  “No!” He shook his head, as if the motion would pry me loose. “Don’t do that!”

  I pulled free, Zenni echoing my shock. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

  “No.” He turned away from me, covering his face with his hands. “Never do that again, Anna! Never try to manipulate my emotions!”

  “I didn’t. Those were my own feelings, honest and accurate, not pretended to conjure a response. All I wanted to do was share what goes through my mind when you touch me.”

  “If you want to fuck, use my body and stay out of my head!” None of his anger had abated. “Sex is great—don’t complicate it with your mental contortions!”

  “Just what are you afraid of?” I asked, divining the real core of his fury.

  He threw that back in my face, too quickly. “I’m not afraid!”

  “Then why are you so upset?”

  For a minute he stood like a statue, grappling within for control. When he had it, his grey eyes met mine. “I’m not afraid of you being inside my skull, although I’m insular enough to be disturbed by it. I’m not afraid of the closeness, although I’ll admit that it’s unnerving, but what does terrify me is the uniqueness of it. If we had sex like that, with minds interlocked, I’m sure it would be marvellous, a magical experience, but it would leave me so very vulnerable. After that, if I have to lose you, who on earth could I turn to?”

  “But you won’t lose me—”

  “How can you say that?” He laughed sharply, a single note like a cracked bell. “You gamble your life daily for EI, and I have to face up to the fact that one day you might fail.”

  “So you’ll shun the magic that could be and accept the mundane that is?”

  “I’m not brave enough to touch the stars.” His aura was indigo with sadness. “I’ll stay on the ground.”

  “But you will let me into that thick, hairy head of yours sometimes, if I stick to the uppermost levels and promise not to meddle with the clockwork machinations in there?” I edged around to face him and tapped his forehead lightly. “Or am I barred for life?”

  “Yes, I’ll let you in. But not tonight—okay?”

  I pursed my lips in disapproval, appearing to consider the bargain. “Okay. Take me to bed?”

  He mimicked my expression. “Okay, but no funny business.”

  “That’s not fair! When do I get to express my gratitude at your expert handling of our return trip from Tambouret?”

  “Tomorrow,” Jeb said firmly. “After we’ve both rested and slept.”

  I followed him meekly back to the master-cabin. He wouldn’t even hold my hand on the way.

  Anna, is he all right? Zenni murmured. Did we push him too far?

  He’ll get over it. I tried to put a brave face on it, like piling chocolate buttercream over stale sponge cake, tried not to admit even to myself how shaken I’d been by his reaction. The ghost-whisper that was my intuitive voice turned over in its sleep, and although Zenni couldn’t hear it, I caught in the thread of its dreams a snatch of an old song.

  ‘Let’s forget about tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes...’

  Chapter Eleven: All the Lights On and Nobody Home

  I surfaced breathless, in a slick of cold sweat from the habitual nightmare. Bad dreams were my constant companions these past nights, so much so that I’d ceased to recall the fine detail and remembered only the sum of them. Tonight’s offering was identical to a score of others; terror-distorted scraps of my experience on Tambouret, an endless, senseless chase through darkness and hellfire, to a soundtrack of the tortured screams of my three ill-fated companions. I slid out of bed before my trembling woke Jeb and stood at the cabin’s quartered window, trying to quell my irrational inner panic. The full moon wept down on the glassy surface of the lake, while ranks of shadowed pines stood sentinel. It seemed for a moment that the whole world spun around me and at its hub was Merryweather’s Dance, then my dizziness passed.

  The same dream? Zenni’s silver voice whispered from the cavern below my feet.

  Always the same. I was weary of it, unable to put it behind me. I think I’ll skip down to Lindsay and look in on Chandre.

  There’s been no change in their condition for sixteen days, he reminded. Your nightly visits do nothing, not even dispel your guilt.

  I don’t feel any guilt.

  You don’t admit to it, but you’ve cornered all of the blame for their unrousable state. Face it, Anna, it wasn’t your fault.

  Then why does it feel like it was? I wriggled into a jumpsuit, one of my standard deep blue numbers, skin-tight and as soft as gossamer, tugging impatiently at its fastenings. Who else was there? Who else blew our only chance at escape?

  You had no way of knowing that the demon could stop you teleporting out. He paused, sifting through two or three powers of ten worth of options. Perhaps you should seek some expert help on this one, Anna, get yourself some professional advice. Tom probably has contacts and could find you a friendly counsellor.

  And what would they tell me?

  To let the past lie, forgive yourself and move on.

  I can’t. If Lyall had been the only one left in coma, I could accept it. He faced the monster and has every right to still be in shock, but Chandre and Meeka were unconscious—they didn’t even see it. Why are they still out cold?

  There’s no medical reason. Dr Ayres and her team have examined every possibility and all their investigations have drawn a blank. Zenni’s tone softened. Go and see them, and I hope it makes you feel better. Want some company tonight?

  No, I’m best on my ownsome, given my present mood. I’ll whistle down the link if I need you.

  And you sure do know how to whistle! Shall I tell Jeb where you’ve gone?

  I’ll be back before he wakes.

  I knew the journey well; as Zenni had said, I’d made the trip every night for the last dozen. I materialised in the office at the end of the ward, behind the night nurse. As always, she was so absorbed in the instrument readouts that my arrival went unheard.

  “Hello, Maire.”

  She swung around in her seat without surprise. “Hello yourself, Anna. I was expecting you any time now. Care for some coffee before your midnight inspection of my babes in there?”

  “It’s a lot later than midnight, but I’ll take up the offer.” I sat down and accepted a mug. “Any change?”

  Her freckled face lost its joyous smile for a moment, but sorrow never stayed on Maire’s features for long. Like the sun emerging from clouds, her irrepressible grin soon bounced back. “Same as ever.”

  No change in any of them, no hope of lifting my burden of blame. Despite Zenni’s denial, I was responsible for this. I had failed to protect them and, to compound that felony, had escaped unscathed. Like the survivors of any great disaster who watch their fellows die around them and walk away themselves, I questioned my good fortune. “Any new medical data I should be aware of?”

  “According to all our tests, there’s naught wrong with them.” She sighed. “No reason for coma, simple or obscure, not in any of them. They check out healthier than I do, and yet we can’t wake them. I never did see a case like it.”

  My despair crept back, notch by notch. Maire was a fine nurse, with an uncanny knack of beating the medics to a diagnosis. I put more faith in her intuition that I did in all of Beth Ayres’ intensive tests. I saw that she held out little hope for their recovery and that fed my guilt. “You don’t get into trouble for letting me see them, do you? I’m on suspension from EI, which means that this building is out of bounds to me.” Collins hadn’t been able to swing the council round to out-and-out dismissal and had to settle for
these lesser impositions.

  “Who’s to know you’re here?” Back came that huge, rather lop-sided grin. Her eyes flickered over the monitors once more, pausing on Meeka’s. “Poor wee lass, barely twenty years old. A mere baby herself, yet a mother and a widow, and now this. Life doesn’t seem fair, does it?”

  Since my return to Earth, I’d given no thought to Angel. “Where is the little girl?”

  “The bairn was taken in by our good Dr Ayres. She was a friend to Mrs Jansen, especially after the Professor died, and the little lass knows her, I gather. Dr Ayres has a great hairy dog that the baby liked to play with.”

  Somehow I hadn’t tagged Beth as a dog-person. “Perhaps I ought to go see her?”

  Maire nodded. “She’d be glad of the distraction, I reckon. Misses her mother dreadfully, I hear, and who could blame the poor thing? Would you care to do your round now, eh, Dr Anna?”

  I laughed along with her gentle mockery. “What’s wrong with them, Maire? Will they ever come out of it?”

  Her bright blue eyes lost their twinkle. “No, lass, I believe they’ll stay like that for the rest of their lives. I’ve seen patients aplenty in coma, some that woke and some that didn’t. Those that recovered had one thing in common—the will to survive. You get to sniff that out after a while, even in an unconscious, unresponsive person.”

  “And they lack it?”

  “There’s nothing in them, Anna. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they’re brain-dead or anything like that, because they aren’t. If we took them off our machines they’d still breathe, still tick-over in some semblance of living, but their bodies are empty.”