Stuck in Neutral

by Terry Trueman

  “Nothing is ever easy, is it, Shawn? Nothing is ever like it seems. You know none of us really knows you. I mean, it takes just as much faith on our part to believe that you’re retarded as it would to believe that you’re a genius.” He chuckles a little at that one. “Well, maybe genius is pushing it, but you know what I mean? What if you understand everything? What if you know what I’ve been thinking of doing, but you can’t do anything about it?” He searches for the right words; I see the pain in his face and body, shoulders down, neck stiff, his hands quivering. “So many answers you can’t provide, but does that mean you don’t understand the questions? What would you tell me to do, Shawn? I dreamed about you the other night. I dreamed that you talked to me—I can’t remember what you said. Were you happy? Sad? I can’t remember....”

  He seems tired from all his words. “I don’t know what to do, son,” he says, his voice exhausted. I watch his chest rise. It’s as though he is lifting himself up one last time. A final stand? I see the pillow in his lap. He pauses and takes a deep, slow breath. Has it all come down to this? With his thumbnail he unconsciously tugs at a loose thread on one corner of the pillow, sliding the thread over and over between the nail and the flesh.

  My eyes have been shifting all over the place, but now suddenly, as if by some miracle, I look up directly at my dad. Our eyes lock. I see in my father’s expression that he is staring back at me. We are somehow together again, like that night in my dream when we spoke. Dad stares not just at me, but into me. In all my life we have never been like this before.

  “Shawn?” he says softly. “Son …” he begins. Tears come back into his eyes again as we sit in this strange, impossible moment. “I love you,” Dad says again.

  I call the words out silently, from the deepest part of my heart, “I love you too, Dad,” wishing I could say it, wishing he could hear!

  But before either of us can speak again, I feel crackle—crackle—crackle. I can’t tell what’s going to happen next. My seizure begins to spin slowly through me. What will my dad do? Whatever it is, in another moment I’ll be flying free. Either way, whatever he does, I’ll be soaring.

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost I want to thank my family. I could not have written this story without the love of Patti and Jesse. Eric Nasburg, Peggy Yurik, Chad and Tami Gardner, Christie Nasburg, Wally and Kathy Egger, and my sister, Cindy Trueman, all read Stuck in Neutral at various stages of its development and offered helpful suggestions and support.

  Stacie Wachholz helped with every aspect of this project; editorially, from the earliest drafts on, her literary judgment was invariably correct. Stacie continues to work with me and help me (a special thanks to her children, Eric and Kati, for letting me steal so much of their mom’s time).

  There are many friends to thank for contributing to the making of this story, including Leslie Yach and her family and Ginger Ninde. Among writer friends, Michael Gurian and Kevin Gilmore gave thorough, very helpful readings early in the project. Chris Crutcher, Becky Davis, and especially Terry Davis (The Godfather of Y.A. literature in the Inland Northwest) helped tremendously, too. Mark Stimpfle’s suggestions and proofreading were worth much more than the steak dinner he got at the Wolf Lodge Inn. Many thanks to my writing teachers over the years: Kay Keyes, Nelson Bentley, Robert Sund, John Keeble, Jim McAuley, and Ursula Hegi.

  Antonia Markiet, my editor at HarperCollins, spent hundreds of hours helping me write this story; Ms. Markiet’s editorial brilliance and generosity made our collaboration both fun and gratifying. George Nicholson, my agent, in addition to taking care of me in this business better than anybody else could have, has become a good friend. Thanks also to Traci Jersen, Michelle Gladden, and Jade Chan.

  So many of my students and colleagues at Spokane Falls Community College were generous with their time and feedback. Among my many students who read this manuscript, I’d like to mention Sherri Fulton, Kei Iwamoto, Brandi Parker, James Barlos, and Sister Mary Eucharista for their contributions. Apologies to all the dozens of other students not named here but who also helped—you know who you are!

  For those of you who have been inadvertently left off this list, please forgive me. You know how much you helped. Thank you for making this story possible.

  Additional Acknowledgments

  Since the preceding acknowledgments section was written for Stuck in Neutral’s initial, hardbound edition, we have had amazing good fortune. There are too many reviewers, critics, newspapers, conference coordinators, TV and radio hosts, bookstores, and other sources of generosity to thank individually, so even though this group thank-you feels inadequate, time and space make it necessary. A few individuals—good friends to the book, my family, and me—must be singled out:

  Thanks to Sherry and Frank Knott. Thanks to Jenny and Sonja Egger, Edward and Mary Averett, the Trevy Family, and Tina Cronin and family. Thanks to my many colleagues and friends at ESD 101’s Step-Star Network and to all my students. Thanks also to Dan Webster at the Spokesman Review for his early and ongoing support and to my friends at Family Tree Production, especially Craig T. Nelson, Paul, Noah, and Dusty (and to Bob Cole).

  At Sterling Lord Literistic, Inc.: Jody Hotchkiss, Elet Howe, and Nancy Alexander. At HarperCollins, for the fabulous cover of the book: Nick Krenitsky, Cliff Neilsen, and Carla Weise. Also at HC: Pat Buckley, Bill Morris, Catherine Balkin, Casey Burchby, Carrie Klusacek, Stephen Fraser, Jennifer Weiss, and Josette Kurey.

  Thanks to all my friends at Hodder-Stoughton, UK. Thanks to Lori Eldridge for her early work on our web page. Thanks to Tyson Soth and Pat Kennedy of Photografx for their present management of the web page. Thanks also to Kelly Milner-Halls.

  —Terry Trueman

  About the Author

  Terry Trueman

  grew up in the northern suburbs of Seattle, Washington. He attended the University of Washington, where he received his BA in creative writing. He also has an MS in applied psychology and an MFA in creative writing, both from Eastern Washington University.

  Terry is also the author of CRUISE CONTROL, a companion novel to STUCK IN NEUTRAL and the sequel LIFE HAPPENS NEXT; HURRICANE; 7 DAYS AT THE HOT CORNER; NO RIGHT TURN; and INSIDE OUT. You can visit Terry online at www.terrytrueman.com, on Twitter, and on the Terry Trueman Fan Page on Facebook.

  Author’s Note

  Some writers invent a story and their characters, making us believe in the world they’ve imagined. Other stories are based on “real” events that a writer has lived through.

  Stuck in Neutral is neither one nor the other but a blend of both types. While I invented Shawn’s world and made up all the things that happen, I also based what I wrote on my being the parent of a kid like Shawn, my son Henry Sheehan Trueman.

  Sheehan is perceived very much the way Shawn is seen by the people in this story—that is, as incapable of learning or understanding much of anything. Sheehan, like Shawn, has cerebral palsy, cannot communicate at all, and has been diagnosed as being profoundly developmentally disabled. He is often called retarded, a retardate, or even worse, a retard.

  In writing Stuck in Neutral, I wanted to invent a character, and how the world might be for that character, based on what life might be like for my son Sheehan. Is Sheehan a secret genius, like Shawn in this story? Does he like potato chips and rock and roll? Inside himself is he witty and funny and wise? Is he happy to be alive?

  I can’t say “yes” to any of these questions. But I can’t say “no” either. All anybody can honestly say is “I don’t know”—none of us really does.

  STUCK IN NEUTRAL

  FAQs about Terry Trueman

  Cool Trivia Shawn Bets You Don’t Know!

  Shawn’s iPod Playlist and Movie Queue

  An Interview with Terry Trueman on His Other Books

  Read an Excerpt from the Sequel, Life Happens Next

  FAQs about Terry Trueman

  Terry Trueman: When I talk about Stuck in Neutral, it’s often to groups of high school and
middle school audiences, and when you tell a room full of seventh graders that they can ask you any question they want to ask … they WILL!!! Here they are, starting at number ten and ending at the number one most asked question:

  10. Do you live in a mansion?

  No, not a mansion. But I do live in a nice house with a view—you know, ponderosa pines, whitetail deer grazing nearby, a mountain or two, lots of sky.

  9. What do you do for fun?

  I LOVE to write. If I could keep my marriage together and be sane, I’d write twenty-four hours a day. But even I need a break once in a while, so I like to have coffee in the morning, write most of the day but go out to lunch with a small group of friends, have a refreshing beverage or two in the afternoon, and watch T.V. until sleepy-bye time; then start that routine all over again the next day. Oh, yeah, I also like to drive my Corvette too fast and go shopping at Costco, where I race my shopping cart at 149 mph through the aisles.

  8. How much money do you make?

  Your concern for my financial well-being is deeply appreciated and very touching, but my accountant is in perfect health and only he and the I.R.S. have any reason for knowing how much money I’m making.

  Alternative number 8: Where do you get your ideas for your books?

  I know that there are writers out there who love to fantasize about the life of an alien worm, but my ideas all come from life experiences, not necessarily first-hand ones, but things close enough to be able to imagine a realistic story. Ideas are never a challenge or a problem. Figuring out how to best approach those ideas with characters, a strong story, and a meaningful message—that’s the tough part.

  7. What’s the best advice you can give to an aspiring writer?

  The best advice anybody ever gave me came from Patrick McManus, who said, “When you think you’re really ready to write, plant your butt in a chair for an hour every single day and write; don’t be distracted, don’t pay bills, or surf the internet, or play video games; WRITE for that whole hour, every day. Only by doing this will you figure out if the life of a writer is for you.”

  6. Why did you become a writer?

  Answer #1: Because a wonderful high school English teacher named Kaye Keyes encouraged me to do so when I was about seventeen years old. She’s the first teacher I ever remember saying anything to me other than, “You’re not working up to your potential.” She was a great mentor and a great person.

  Answer #2: I went to a high school with a large number of rich, good-looking, smart, and athletic kids, pretty much none of which was true for me. But I was the guy who gave other kids nicknames, actually a form of bullying the way I did it, which I feel guilty about. Still, I learned the power of words and language, and without quite realizing it, found that words were my strong suit.

  5. Is your son Sheehan, who you based the character Shawn McDaniel on, still living?

  Yes, Sheehan lives with his mother and the family she started after our divorce. Sheehan is thirty-two at this time, still wears diapers, can’t walk, talk, or do anything much at all. If you were to put him in a room, ten feet by ten feet, and put food and water in with him and come back three days later, he’d probably be dead as he doesn’t have the ability to take care of himself in even those most basic ways.

  4. You abandoned him. How can you stand yourself? (Like I said, seventh graders will ask you ANYTHING!!!)

  It’s a strange thing. Although I couldn’t handle Sheehan’s brain injury and degree of disability back then, a few years later when I met my present wife Patti, we inherited the responsibility for providing 24/7 care of her sister, who is now a fifty-one-year-old woman with Down syndrome. I guess God or the universe or some weird Karma thing was telling me that I had some things I needed to learn from people with developmental disabilities, like Sheehan and Donna. I believe that you can’t run away from your destiny.

  3. What’s your favorite food/color/animal/place/book/kind of car/ motorcycle?

  Answer (depending on my mood, sometimes):

  • Food: Tacos

  • Color: Black because it’s so thinning (I’m not quite as buff as I used to be!)

  • Animal: Dogs

  • Place: It’s a tie between N.Y.C. and Sabino Canyon in Tucson, Arizona!

  • Book: Come on, don’t be silly—anything written by ME!!

  • Kind of car: Corvette

  • Motorcycle: None anymore since I crashed my Kawasaki 1500cc Vulcan on July 3, 2008, and broke my clavicle and every rib on the left side of my body. Not fun!

  2. Did you ever think about killing your own son, like Syd thought of killing Shawn in Stuck in Neutral?

  No, I didn’t—at least not consciously. There is a cliché: “where there’s life there’s hope,” and so long as Sheehan is alive, there is always a slim chance that someday he might wake up and be able to communicate. I was very depressed for many years and considered suicide more than once, but I never thought about ending my son Sheehan’s life.

  And the #1 most-asked question (this can be worded in a number of different ways, but it’s always the same question):

  1. But why did you end the book like you did? I HATE that ending, what happened to Shawn? Did his dad kill him or not? WHAT HAPPENED NEXT TO SHAWN???!!!???

  To have killed Shawn would have broken my heart. To have let the reader know that he didn’t die would have left a “whew, thank goodness, everything will be okay” feeling at the end which, in fairness to real-life families of kids with profound developmental disabilities, is just not always true. But here’s my favorite answer: by having Shawn’s fate be unknown, the reader is worried about Shawn, truly upset that he might not make it. If I were to have suggested to you before you read this skinny little book that at the end of it you’d be upset and concerned about the well-being of a kid like Shawn, a kid in a wheelchair, wearing a diaper, and drooling and moaning “AHHHHHH” all the time, you’d have never believed it. But you want to know what happened to Shawn McDaniel? In Life Happens Next, I’ll tell you!

  Cool Trivia Shawn Bets You Don’t Know!

  What sucks the most about having a perfect memory is not being able to get all of the glory that comes from sharing it. I could’ve won money on game shows, used awesome pickup lines to impress girls, and not be considered the dumbest kid in the zoo. Thanks to the television, I know a lot of history, science, politics, music, and pop culture. I thought I’d share some of the knowledge I’ve been storing, since a lot of what I know is pretty cool. And maybe those of you that have the ability to win big or find a girlfriend will thank me later.

  The million dollar question I would win:

  Hey, you name it and I probably know it: The state capital of Iowa? Des Moines. Who was Miss U.S.A. 2001? Kandace Krueger of Texas, the eighth Miss U.S.A. from the Lone Star State. Are javelinas dangerous to humans? Javelinas (wild pig/boar animals) are a lot meaner to dogs, who remind them of coyotes, than they are to humans, who probably would remind them of baboons … if they could even see us. They are nearly blind!

  Best pickup line:

  Pardon me, Kandace Krueger, but by any chance have you seen my pack of wild javelinas wandering around this dark parking lot? (Okay, I admit I don’t have a lot of hands-on experience with this kind of thing, but wouldn’t the thought that a pack of wild boars with giant fangs might be running around looking for a midnight snack of Miss U.S.A. 2001 be a pretty good incentive for the girl to fall into a guy’s protective arms? Never mind that javelinas are actually vegetarian, they sure don’t look like vegetarians!)

  Thing to say that will make you a shoo-in with your girlfriend’s dad:

  I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be a shoo-in with any girl’s dad as long as I look like I do. But if you are a typical, able-bodied teenage guy, you might try, “Hello, sir. I’ll be real nice to your daughter as I’d like to continue breathing.” That oughta do the job.

  Best comeback:

  Unfortunately for me, my best comeback line and worst comeback line, in real life,
is the same, a loud “AHHHHHHHHH!” My favorite fantasy comeback line would depend on what I’m coming back from: personal insult? Snide remark? Unkind observation? Plain old negative creep crud? I know this much, the best feeling a guy can have when he’s dealing with a crummy situation is to walk away at the end without the feeling, “I wish I would have said …” If you don’t think that, then you’ve probably already done the best you can do.

  Favorite fun fact (betcha don’t know it!):

  The DNA of most life forms—ants, goldfish, dogs, javelinas, jackasses, and humans; heck, even flowers and trees—is much more alike than it is different! So whether you believe that the earth is six thousand years old and that fossils are a myth or that Darwin is God, the fact is that the order of the DNA code is what makes us different, not the stuff in the DNA itself. Cool, huh? Thank you, Discovery Network!

  Thing you’ll never need to know (but I do):

  Sitting in a wheelchair and watching, listening, and remembering everything I hear from life, T.V., the radio, and people’s conversations has given me a trivia backlog of junk that is so huge it’s unimaginable. For instance, I once heard a science expert say that matter can never be created or destroyed. A reassuring thought if you’re facing death.... So, not to worry, you’ll still be around—which is great if you’re happy with the prospect of being changed into gasses and dirt, molecules and memories.

  Okay, so the next few things aren’t facts, per se, but they are things I know to be true!

  Greatest musical instrument ever invented: