The Beginning of Never

by O. E. Boroni

  Today however, I knew why she was coming over, and it didn’t excite me.

  “Hey,” she said as she approached, but I ignored her. She didn’t take it personally because she was quite familiar with my standoffish ways.

  “Ignore me all you want, but remember your section’s due soon.”

  I continued to shun her, until she reached me and took a seat right on the edge of my desk. I was forced to look up then.

  “Hi,” I said, my greeting sounding like a threat, but she just smiled when I rolled my eyes.

  “I and Anjola have been able to get examples of teens with personal experience of the drug, so we passed that on to Mitchell and Samuel,” she said. “It’ll probably help them in compiling their effects section. What about you?”

  “I’m on it,” I said, as I zipped my bag closed.

  This term, even though a major reshuffling had been done, we’d again ended up in the same team in our biology class for project activities. Our first task was an in-depth research on a drug, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember what it was or what part I had been assigned in the project.

  “Where exactly are you?” she asked. I rose to my feet, with feigned annoyance marring my face.

  “Ours is on ecstasy by the way,” she said and I was tempted to smile. She knew I had forgotten. “And it’s due in two weeks. I’m just saying.”

  “Noted,” I said and was about ask her what my section was again, when a girl I knew to be her roommate, yelled her name and ran over. The classroom was almost empty from lunch hour escape, so her need to yell was baffling, and equally I realized, was my need to eat something. I suddenly felt ravenous.

  “Kate, he’s in the cafeteria,” she said, almost out of breath, and I watched as the level-headed girl I nearly liked, turned into a babbling mess of teenage hormones.

  “Oh my God,” Kate squealed, and her face suddenly lost color. I was almost worried for her.

  “Where?” she asked.

  “He’s in line for lunch but I’m not sure where he’s going to have it.” Kate’s roommate said, and I dragged my eyes away from the strange red blotches on her face. Kate was fanning herself with her hands now, and looked like she was about to collapse. I had to ask.

  “What’s happening?” I said, and instantly regretted it. I wasn’t supposed to care about anything today. Kate rushed to explain and was already a few feet away from me before she completed her statement and hurried off. Still, I caught all of it.

  “It’s this terribly cute guy in the upper sixth. He’s in the cafeteria now and it’s the first time I’ve seen him since we resumed. Later.”

  I stood there for a few more seconds, thinking of the many reasons I could have done without that piece of information. Grabbing my bag, I made my way out of the classroom and towards the cafeteria.

  « CHAPTER 2 »

  There were two gigantic stone fireplaces built at opposite ends of the cafeteria, and wooden panels covering about eight feet of its twenty foot wall. The roof was supported by massive log beams and the floor covered in gleaming wooden flooring. The entire room looked like a massive cabin, and it was elegant and cozy, but I usually avoided it.

  Hundreds sat there each late morning to catch up on the latest school gossip; who was dating whom, or who had broken up with whom; who had gotten beaten up, or who had been suspended, and generally, anything that made the school seem more interesting than it really was. It was also a wonderful place to obtain new gossip subjects, mock the old ones or watch them being mocked by others. So essentially the place was a boarding school disaster, where the smell from the disdain and blabber of green-eyed monsters overpowered the scent of the food.

  Steeling myself to endure the deafening roar of their chatter, which was more than I was prepared to deal with today, I walked in and stood in a line that was so long, I was assured that I would be there for a while. With a groan, I kept my head lowered until it was my turn. After ordering the chicken salad sandwich and a cup of tea doused with milk, I made my way towards the courtyard.

  I had about fifteen minutes left until lunch ended, so I started opening the sandwich pack on my tray as I went through the sliding glass door that led to the courtyard. However, when I looked up to see all the picnic benches already filled, I stopped and let my mouth hang open in astonishment.

  Although the sun was shining brightly today, it was still cold outside, so I had counted on the fact that very few people would be as crazy as I was to prefer braving the chill, than endure the tumult of being in the cafeteria. Apparently I was wrong, but before I could decide on where else I could head to that would allow me to eat in peace, someone bumped into me.

  It all happened very fast, so before I knew what was happening, my tray had flown out of my hand and I was plunging headfirst onto the stone walkway. Thankfully, and through the graces of someone that reasoned that I did not deserve to lose a tooth for just standing in the way, a strong hand slung across my middle, and pulled me back before I could hit the ground. I was saved from the injury and embarrassment that would have accompanied the fall, but as the culprit tried to stable me, all I could see was my lunch, in slices of bread, chicken and lettuce, strewn across the lawn.

  The tea cup had burst open, and now lay separated from its cover and drenching the grass with its creamy contents. My stomach tightened in annoyance, and as I gazed at my ruined lunch, I almost felt like crying.

  “Let me go!” I said, my teeth clenched to restrain myself from yelling. Jerking my arms away, I whirled around to face the idiot that had just ruined my morning.

  “Didn’t you see me standing right there?” I lashed out, but in that second I almost forgot my anger because I was now looking at one of the most attractive people I’d ever seen. He had the most sultry eyes in a deep blue, and jet black hair that swayed away from his face to fall just below his ears. With a frown as to how someone could look so unreal, I cocked my head to regard him again.

  In a deep but quiet voice, he said, “I’m sorry, but you were standing in the way.” And that immediately scratched the disc that was starting to roll in my head at how attractive he was.

  “Excuse me?” I said.

  He repeated himself, “You were standing in the way.”

  I felt like killing him. “And you’re an idiot who can’t see.”

  He blinked, but I refused to shut up. “I was standing right in front of you. You could have injured me, and all you can say is that I was standing in the way?”

  He was frowning now. “Why are you yelling?” he asked, and it made me feel a flash of shame. Then I became infuriated.

  “Are you kidding me?” I asked, my tone now lowered since I realized that people were actually beginning to stare. “Is that how you’re going to apologize?”

  Shifting his weight to another leg, he lifted his arms to fold them against his chest, and said, “I’m not apologizing.”

  “What is that supposed mean?” I asked, surprised that he was as offended as I was. I was the one who had almost been knocked to the ground!

  “It means that I am definitely not going to apologize to you.”

  I was silent for a moment. Then I asked. “What is wrong with you?”

  He directed the question right back at me. “What’s wrong with you?”

  I didn’t know what to say, and so standing apart in the walkway, we just stared each other down until a gust of cold wind blew my wild hair across my face. Angrily, I shoved it behind my ears, finally accepted the un-repentance in his eyes and chose to let it go.

  Shivering from the bite of the cold, I scowled at him as I turned around to retrieve the tray. Then I walked over to the strewn pieces and had started to pick them up, when I felt him crouch down beside me. Before I realized what I was doing, I had risen to my feet and was swinging the black tray towards him. It hit the edge of his shoulder with a resounding smack, and let out a terrifying cracking sound.

  I gasped, and then froze when I saw the zigzagged split towards the
middle of the tray that confirmed that I had just indeed, broken the tray on his back.

  My eyes slowly turned to him and I watched, my heart pounding in my chest as he closed his eyes in a bid to control his temper. He then looked away and after a few seconds, rose to his feet. I took a few steps backwards, the tray still stuck to my hands, and only then did I notice that my head barely reached his shoulders.

  I took another step back, but the tray suddenly fell from my hands, and clattered noisily on the ground.

  He turned to face me, but I refused to meet his eyes.

  I’m so sorry, I wanted to say, but as I opened my mouth to speak, the words wouldn’t come out. All that did was an empty croak that made me feel even more nervous than I already was. So, swallowing painfully, and with my eyes away from his stare, I waited for his reaction.

  But he completely surprised me.

  Just when I’d thought that he was going to come forward to hit me, he turned around, and walked away.

  I remained in that position for a few more seconds before I could even get myself together enough to retrieve the tray, and wasted food. Not even daring to look back to see how much of an audience we had gathered, I tossed them into a nearby garbage can and quietly made my way back to my classroom.

  *

  I arrived in an almost morose state, still incredibly shaken from the attack I had just discharged. Flattening my palm against my forehead as I took my seat, I began to sincerely wonder if I was okay. Was I turning into a crazed animal? How did I break a tray on someone’s back just because they had run into me? This was a complete stranger for Christ’s sake and for all I knew he could be with the Headmaster at that moment, reporting that there was a mad student in his school. With a loud groan, I rested my forehead on my desk to hide my face underneath.

  This was not how I had planned to survive today, I lamented, but after a few more intense minutes of disturbing remorse, I had to ask myself exactly why it continued to bother me so much. Other than the obvious – in that you just didn’t physically attack another human being for no reason – varied considerations like a loose reign on my self-control, to the fact that I could very well get suspended over this or sued, began to run through my mind. Because even if he didn’t report me, someone else who had seen it was bound to have become concerned enough to.

  Lifting my head from my desk, I shook it to dispel my thoughts but then it hit me once again: I hit a human being with a freaking tray! Nothing could justify that level of lunacy, and soon, I found myself wishing I could see him again so that. I could apologize. Assuming I wouldn’t be summoned by the authorities before then, but somehow, and in my mind, I knew that I’d be surprised if I was. He just didn’t seem like the type.

  But in all fairness he had been wrong not to apologize, I began to justify, but stopped, when I could almost hear my mother’s voice in my head. No Nora, you were the one at fault. She would have said. And I’m telling you that that temper of yours will get you into real trouble someday if you don’t find a way to control yourself.

  My normal response to her would have been to roll my eyes, and respectfully direct the temper at her, but now that she wasn’t here anymore, all I could do was smile and foolishly wish that I could hear her voice just one more time.

  Admittedly, I and my mom hadn’t been the best of friends, and it wasn’t because we weren’t alike because we were. It was just that I could never understand why she chose to remain with my dad when he made her so miserable, and it made me kind of resent her for it. But it also made me love her and want to protect her even more since the man that had promised that he would, had failed at it every single day.

  I knew she was strong, but for him she made herself appear weak, and I could never understand why. Once I had asked her and all she had said was this: “I made a promise Nora, and I want to do my best to keep it.”

  I’d always thought that was bullshit, and I still did.

  My mind was beginning to wander too far, so I jolted myself back to the present. If I even had a hope of keeping my promise to myself- that I wouldn’t be overwhelmed by my memories of her today- I had to stop thinking about her. So I shifted my thoughts to the boy that I had just hit. I sighed, and sincerely hoped that the incident would be the biggest hurdle that I would have to jump today.

  Just then however, I noticed that the steady buzz maintained in the room from all the chitchat had lessened to an almost quiet. When I looked up, I expected to see that our history teacher had come in, but when my eyes connected with the ones of the boy as he walked towards me, I knew instantly that my troubles were just beginning.

  He doesn’t look angry, I immediately judged, but my terror continued to rise as he neared me. All I could think of was that he’d worked up his anger, and was back to probably say or do something that would undoubtedly destroy my day.

  I noticed also that the entire class seemed particularly interested in this episode, and were watching with rapt attention. This worsened the entire situation for me. So when he had almost reached me and his hand rose from his side, I reflexively leaned slightly away from the chair.

  He stopped when he saw what I was doing, and frowned in confusion. When I realized that I was overreacting, again, I straightened and watched as he placed a brown paper takeout bag on my desk. My eyes widened in surprise but before I could ask any questions, he turned around and walked away.

  “I didn’t ask for this.” I heard myself say, but by then he was already out the door. Curious eyes turned back to me. Completely embarrassed, I dropped my head on the table to bury my face underneath it again.

  *

  Both incidents occupied my thoughts throughout the next period, until I made up my mind that the next time I saw him, I was going to sincerely apologize. That relieved some of the remorse I felt but as the afternoon progressed, and ever so slowly, another issue arose. I had begun to feel queasy as soon as he had left, but now the feeling had heightened, along with the ache in my stomach that had been building over the last hour, and had now turned into a steady pain.

  I suspected the reason for it so I wasn’t alarmed. I tried to ignore it for a while, but when it began to interfere with my ability to be thoroughly bored, I reached to my side for the takeout bag. With a quick glance to see that our biology teacher, Mrs. Ibbitson, was still at the opposite end of the room passing out test papers, I pried the bag open to see a plastic pack containing a chicken salad sandwich. It was the same thing I had previously bought, but now instead of a cup of tea, he had gotten me a bottle of Coca-Cola and still water. I frowned at the slight oversight, but my mouth still watered – I was starving.

  “Lenora, what do you think you’re doing while in my class?” I heard Mrs. Ibbitson ask from somewhere behind me, just as something else in the bag caught my eye. I looked up to see her heading towards me. Her thin eyebrows came together in a frown when she reached me, and her overly long and bony nose wrinkled with displeasure. She didn’t give me a chance to explain why I was considering eating in her class and instead, she slapped my test paper on the table. I didn’t need to look down to see the loud ‘F’ in bright red pasted on top of it, but I hoped that she would at least refrain from reprimanding me publicly, as all eyes were now on us.

  “It’s not enough that you fail your tests but now you have to eat during class too?” she said, and low-toned snickers broke out from all corners of the room. I refused to take my eyes away from hers.

  “Either throw that thing out right now or leave my class with it,” she ordered and then walked away to hand out more scripts. I lowered my head and considered my options for a few seconds. Then loudly scraping the iron-legged chair against the wooden floor and with the takeout bag in hand, I rose to my feet and walked out of the class.

  Tears filled my eyes as I slammed the door behind me, but I immediately forced the tears back. Nothing else was going to get to me today, especially not an ancient woman with pitiful bangs and a chinless face. The stomach ache that I’d been nursing s
eemed to intensify as I walked down the hallway and towards my locker, but it was only as I reached it that I felt the light-headedness.

  I stopped to steady my vision, which had turned blurry, then after a few seconds, resumed walking. I had just reached my locker when I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, especially since my period had begun about two days before. I looked down and was about to reach for the soda bottle when I lost all feeling. It seemed as if my legs had left the ground and I was being turned upside down. My grip on the bag loosened, just before my eyes connected with the ceiling.

  « CHAPTER 3 »

  When I regained consciousness, I could feel the brightness of the sunlight that poured in through the window on the side of my face. A sharp ache throbbed at the side of my head and although my hand felt heavy, I managed to raise it up to press my fingers against my temple. It took me quite a few more moments to get my eyes open.

  Slowly, surprise registered in a part of my brain at the sight I met, but I felt too weak to show any reaction which was okay, because I probably would have overreacted – again.

  The blue-eyed boy sat on a chair beside the bed, and was watching me. I didn’t know how to feel at the sight of him there so I just closed my eyes, and tried to swallow the knot that had formed at the back of my throat. After a few more seconds of nagging disorientation and self-consciousness, I pushed myself off the bed to sit upright, but kept my head lowered to shield my face from the sun, and of course to recover enough to face him.

  What is he doing here? I wondered, even though at that moment, that should have been the least of my problems. The pain at the side of my head seemed to worsen with every passing second, and as I weakly glanced around the room, it registered that I was in the school infirmary.