Whispers of Hate

by Sanchit Garg

  “No! I am not going to wait any longer. You tell me now.”

  Just when I had made up my mind to tell her the truth, my mother came out of the kitchen after hearing our voices.

  She shouted, “Why are you both fighting?”

  Nandana bemoaned, “He left Amira at our old house. I know this is the truth and he told me she was here, but she isn’t.

  “Don’t worry, Nandana. He’s telling the truth. Purnima came this morning, and Amira went with her to her house. She will come back soon. Don’t worry.”

  She doubted, “Okay, mother. If you are saying so, I would believe you. But I want my daughter back.”

  Mother smiled, “Yes, she will be back soon. Now, you must be tired. Just go to the third room from the kitchen and take some rest. By the time you wake up, she will be here.”

  Nandana smiled, “Okay!” and then she walked into the room.

  “Oh! Thank God! No! Thank you, Mother! Without you, I don’t know what would have happened.”

  She lashed at me, “I have just saved you for now. But not anymore. Keep that in mind. Now tell me the truth, everything.”

  I told her all that happened the night before, and she started weeping.

  “No! No! Tell me this isn’t true. Please!”

  “This is the truth, Mother. That cursed house took everything from us, and I couldn’t do anything.”

  “No! What have you done and I just partook in this farce of yours? Now, she would hate all of us. For a mother, a child is everything. You have committed a greater crime by making us lie to her than not telling her the truth.”

  “But, Mother! All I did was to make her not go to that cursed house again and lose her life. At that moment, it was all I could think of to stop her.”

  “Still, you have done something that would leave a mark on her life. I want to hate you for doing this. I never expected this from you, but you are my son, and right now, I can just thank God for bringing you both safely to me. We have lost too much, too much to bear.”

  I cried, “Yes, mother! We did. We lost everything.”

  My father came back home two hours after our arrival. He was out trying to understand the market and finding out ways in which we could earn a living in this town.

  He sat in the drawing-room and my mother went into the kitchen to bring him a glass of water. After he drank it, she told him that Amira died too, due to that house.

  He stood up and replied, “What! I am in no mood for a joke.”

  “I am telling the truth. Believe me. Rameshwar explained it to me.”

  Father shouted, “Where is Rameshwar? Bring him to me. I want to talk to him.”

  Mother called for me. I greeted Father and sat beside him on the sofa.

  “What is your mother saying? Don’t tell me this is the truth.”

  I knew from his expressions that it was about Amira.

  With a sad face, I replied, “It is true, Father. I am miserable.”

  I explained the events of the previous day to him, everything that happened.

  His eyes turned moist, “You, idiot! This is all because of you. Had you not made me leave that day, none of this would have happened. This is all your fault. You killed her.”

  “Yes, Father! I killed both my kids. I am a bad person. I am a murderer.”

  “Where is Nandana? How is she doing?”

  “Father! She’s sleeping in her room and doesn’t remember what befall on Amira. I lied to her that she was okay.”

  He exclaimed, “What!!! What did you do? You are doing one sin after another? Are you really my son?”

  “Father, it was all I could think of at the moment to not let her die too. She was acting differently. Trying to go to that old-abandoned house and get herself killed, just to meet the kids. So, I had to do something to get her here happily, once it felt like she had forgotten a part of her memory.”

  “Ok! Forget whatever followed. It was a bad dream. Now, focus on your new life here. It’s not the end. You can try again for a child. At least you both are okay. That’s all that matters now.”

  I cried, “Father, but I still have to tell her the truth. How can I tell her all that happened? She won’t be able to take it.”

  “I don’t know. You think that on your own how to do that. You need to tell her what transpired and explain to her what you did and why you did it. We won’t be able to contain her. Only you can. For once, be a man.”

  With a sad face, I answered, “Yes, Father! I will do it.”

  I walked out of the drawing-room and into the hall. I started walking towards the room where Nandana was napping, taking baby steps.

  My mind was a cluster of doubts and regrets. What am I going to tell her now? I don’t want to lose her! She is all I have. Why do I always go through such tragedies, that coming out of them is next to impossible?

  I reached the room’s door and pushed it. Once it was open, I went in and there she was, sleeping peacefully on the bed. I walked to her and sat on the bed, adjacent to her without disrupting her. I turned my face to look at her, and she looked so adorable. Just like a child. I knew I admired her. She was all I ever wanted and lying to her was something I never hoped to do, but I still had to do it in fear of losing her too. Or maybe I should have just stayed with her there in the cursed house and allowed it to take us both. If that had happened, then I wouldn’t have had to lie to her, and she would have been happy forever. But I am too selfish, and I hate myself for this. I deem I can die myself, but I can’t let her die. I wanted to give her all the happiness in the world, but instead, I took everything from her. How am I going to tell her all this and dread losing her again? Is she going to hate me, unlike anything else?

  She opened her eyes, but I didn’t see that.

  Nandana called, “Hey!”

  I didn’t reply as I was still deep down in my thoughts.

  She shook me by my soldier., “Dear, are you all right?”

  Coming back to my senses, “Yes, I am okay.”

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing! Maybe I just slept while sitting. You okay?”

  “Yes, I am. So, where is Amira? You brought her back, right? Just like you promised.”

  She wakes up, and this is the first thing she asks.

  I knew it was time to tell her everything. I couldn’t fake it anymore.

  “Nandana, I am very sorry that I kept this thing concealed from you, but please, believe me, it was for the better.”

  She was shocked, “What? What are you saying?”

  “Well… I…I... am... trying to say that I had lied to you about Amira.”.

  “What did you lie about her? Please bring her back, right now.”

  I cried, “How can I bring her back when she is already dead! No-one can.”

  She was appalled, “Whhaaatttt! Don’t joke with me. This is not a time for jokes.”

  “This is not a joke. It’s the truth. You can beat me to death for this. But this is the truth.”

  She lamented, “How can you do this to me? To her? And you kept on telling me that she’s here. Even though everyone told me she’s here, she’s okay," and she started sobbing.

  “I hate every one of you. You all made a fool of me, and now I can’t go anywhere. I knew something was not okay. But this! Go Away! Just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you or anyone else at all.”

  I pleaded, “But please! Listen to me. Let me expla….”

  “There is nothing to do now. You did what you did. Now, let me be. Don’t I have the right to grieve for my daughter? Do you want to take that right away from me, too?”

  “No, I don’t! But…”

  “Just go and don’t come back. I don’t want to see your or anyone’s face right now.”

  It was already afternoon. She still hadn't come out of her room. Mother went to her room to give her some food, but she didn’t take any.

  Now, what do I do? She will die if she doesn’t eat anything. God! Please help me.

  Fa
ther and Mohan were already out making arrangements to get the new business set up, and I was just at home, thinking all day long. It felt like my head could rupture at any moment. Time was flying by quickly, and I was just thinking the same thing again and again. I went to check on Nandana at around seven in the night, but she was asleep. I asked Mother if she had eaten something, but she didn’t. It was all my fault.

  With a dejected face, I went to sleep too.

  he next morning, my mother came out of Nandana’s room with a plate full of food still in her hand.

  I inquired, “Mother! She still didn’t eat anything?”

  “No, nothing! She won’t even talk to us.”

  In a fit of rage, I took the plate from her hands and went straight to Nandana’s room. But seeing her, all my anger flitted away. Like it never existed in the first place.

  I went close to her and put the plate down on the bed.

  I muttered, “You still won’t eat anything. Do you want to go on like this forever?”

  She didn’t speak. All the emotions that were piling up inside me came out at once.

  I cried heavily, “I’m sorry. Very sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted anything bad to happen at all. But what could I do? I lost too much, and I couldn’t lose you either. And, you can blame me for everything, you can keep on being silent to me, never talking ever again, but please eat this food. I’m begging you, please! I know I already hurt you more than anything and there’s nothing left at all. But believe me, I promise you I will never hurt you, ever again. I swear before I hurt you again, I will take my life.”

  Hearing this, she shrugged a little.

  I continued, “I know that you have got the right to hate me because when I think back, I am always at fault and, even though no matter how much I want to hate you too, to put the blame on you or someone else, I just can’t. It’s impossible for me to hate someone I truly love. I just can’t hate you, and I don’t want you to hate me, too.”

  She finally spoke up and started crying, “What are you saying? I don’t want you to die. But know that for a mother, losing her children when she’s still alive is the worst that can happen. I won’t forgive you for this, never, but I still love you. So, don’t take your life. Before something happens to you, I would take it on me. I pray to god every day to take me up before you. That’s my love for you. But don’t think of this as forgiveness. I will never forgive you. Never!”

  I suspired and cried, “No! I would never let you die before me. Either we die together, or we don’t die at all.”

  She smiled a little and nodded.

  Seeing her smile, I looked towards the food plate, picked a piece of roti and dipped it in the curry. Bringing it back, I took it closer to her mouth, and she opened it a little.

  The piece was now inside her mouth, and she chewed on it, slowly. It felt like the best day of my life. I remembered the day of our marriage when I promised her I would do anything for her, though now I knew some things are just impossible. Like bringing our kids back and making her smile like she used to. It won’t ever happen. It was a pain that was left in our hearts for the rest of our lives.

  A few days passed and life went back to normal, or that’s what I wanted to believe. My father had already set up a business in wheat and pulses wholesale sales and processing. We started off okay. The work was tiring, but we managed to get a hold on the market somehow. But some things never change. Nandana still didn’t talk to me. Returning home from work and hoping that she would come running, asking me how my day was and me doing the same to her, never happened.

  I walked up to my mother, who was sitting in the drawing-room.

  “Mother! How was your day?”

  “It was okay. I took Nandana to Purnima’s house. She was reluctant at first, but she went with me. I thought she could have a change of air, but she still didn’t talk to her at all, to any of us. But the good news is that your sister is pregnant. And that too, for 5 months already. So, that’s something to live for.

  I was surprised, “Pregnant! Yes! That’s very good. I will turn into an uncle soon.”

  I wanted to dance and laugh, but then I remembered my kids’ faces and a tear dropped down my eyes.

  Mother exclaimed, “Why are you crying? Isn’t this good news?”

  “Yes, Mother! It is. These are tears of joy. I got a chance to hear something good after such a long time. That’s all.”

  The next day, I went to Purnima’s house with Mohan, to see if she was doing okay and in case she needed something. But she was totally fine.

  She asked, “You didn’t bring the kids? Are they still fighting at home, just like Mother told me yesterday?

  What!!! Mother lied to her. Maybe, it’s better this way. She’s pregnant, and any bad news is not good for her.

  I chuckled, “Yes, they are totally fine. They are enjoying their new home way too much.”

  Mohan was not much of a talker, and as usual, he just kept quiet. That was one problem solved. All secrets were safe with him. We talked for some time, and then I decided it was already getting late, so we bid her goodbye. She was about to stand up and receive us till the main gate, but I stopped her.

  “Please, don’t! Take some rest. We are not your guests.”

  But she was still adamant and, I couldn’t do anything. Well, that’s how sisters are. We reached the main gate of her house and walked out. Just as we were about to turn back to her and wave goodbye, my eyes veered towards the nameplate. It was having a handprint of a kid in blood-red, embossed on it.

  “Hey, Purnima, what's this?”

  She was startled, “What?”

  I uttered, “The nameplate. Check it. There’s a mark on it.”

  “Ohh! This. It’s nothing. Just some kids having fun in the lane. That’s all. Everyone loves us here. Nothing to be frightened of.”

  “Okay! If you say so. We would like to take our leave now.”

  While walking back to our home, I looked at every house that fell in between, but none had a mark like that.

  Is it really just a prank by some kids or something else? Maybe, It’s nothing. I think I just need to take some rest for myself. A lot has happened, and I just can’t make sense of anything.

  My eyes were shut, but it felt like I was running in a dark hallway, all sweating. I came to my senses and opened them. What is this darkness? Where am I running to? Is someone following me? What the hell is happening? Why can’t I control myself? Make it stop. Please! Just make it stop.

  A few minutes later, I came to a stop. There was some light here. I looked around to check my surroundings, and it felt familiar. It looked like I had been in this place before. The light glowed a bit more. I immediately recognised the place.

  Whaaatt!! No! How is this possible? I can’t be here! Is this a dream? I better pinch myself.

  Nothing! Maybe, it doesn’t work this way. Please! I never want to be here again.

  I heard a baby crying. Hmm! A baby. What is going on with me? I started pacing towards the direction from where the voice was coming from. Trembling and panicking as I walked. The crying of the baby kept on increasing as I went closer to the source of the sound, and then it suddenly stopped.

  “Now, what?”

  The light dimmed a little, and then some laughter reached my ears. I tried to judge where it was coming from, but it felt like it was from everywhere. The noise was turning me deaf. I felt a bit dizzy and fell down on my knees. There was this constant tingling sound in my mind that was making me unable to focus on anything. I couldn’t keep my eyes open for long, and then I placed both my hands on my ears to block the incoming sound.

  I yelled, “Please! Make it stop! What do you want from me? Why are you hurting me? Please! Let me go away.”

  I kept shouting, but no one heard. I tried to open up my eyes faintly in all that dizziness and couldn’t make up anything. I tried to turn my neck to look around and halfway there, I saw a faint figure.

  I shouted at it, “Hey
! Who's there?”

  No reply.

  I tried to stand up again and started walking towards the figure with whatever strength I could gather.

  I pleaded, “Hey! Help me. Please!”

  No reply.

  So, I just kept on walking towards the figure. My eyes were still unable to see clearly.

  As I closed the distance between the figure and me, it started to appear more and more transparent. It was a lady with a baby in her hands.

  I called out to the lady, “Hey! Who are you? Whose baby is this?”

  Still, no reply.

  All she was doing was just to look at the baby. I walked as close as possible to her and patted on her shoulder.

  “Hey! Why are you not listening... to…me...?”

  Before I could complete my sentence, she turned her face towards me. It was my sister.

  I called out, “Purnima! Is this you? What are you doing here? Whose baby are you holding?”

  She didn't reply and just kept on staring at me.

  I tried to turn my gaze towards the baby and one look at the baby, made my whole body shiver in the worst fear I ever had. The baby had no eyes, his eye sockets were completely dark, and only blood was flowing out of them like tears rolling down.

  I couldn’t utter anything after this. In shock, I just kept staring in its eyes. Little by little, I felt that my body was losing all its strength, and I fell down. By this time, the laughter had stopped too.

  After what felt like an eternity, I opened my eyes and found myself lying down. I was sweating like hell.

  Huh! What happened? Where am I now? It is too dark.

  I tried to move my body a little, and with all my strength, I moved my legs to my left, and they fell down. It seemed like I was on my bed.

  I exclaimed internally, “Ohh! So, it was all a dream. But it felt so real. Why did I have to have such a bad dream? I should just go back to sleep without disturbing anyone else.”

  After waking up in the morning, I remembered back some parts of the dream. Why did I have to dream of that place again? And why Purnima and the baby? Something didn’t feel right. But what do I do? Who can I tell it to? Telling it to my father or Mohan would be like talking to a deaf person, and Nandana is so depressed right now that anything like this could have an adverse impact on her. Maybe my mother? Yes, I should talk to Mother. She would never doubt me. Should I tell her right now or maybe after breakfast? When no one else is near us.