by Sanchit Garg
Luckily, everything inside was the same. Maybe I just daydreamed about it.
My father had walked into the dining room where my mother was sitting, but I had something else in mind. I only had a little time to focus on the more pressing issue before dinner was served. I didn’t want to question Nandana, but what if she had something to do with the book? I just couldn’t reject the possibility. What should I do? I didn’t want to spy on her, but I needed to be double sure for myself.
Was it Nandana, was it a ghost or maybe I could just leave this for now and focus on reading the other two books? Those two could still help me deal with this…with my situation hopefully.
I wanted to spy on Nandana, it would have been fun…just like stalking her. But I knew that I was stupid, and the moment I tried to do that, getting caught was bound to happen. So, it was better that I just focused on the other two books and read them. Honestly speaking, there was no sure shot way to deal with the situation.
I had hidden the other two books in my closet, just between the stack of my clothes and so flawlessly that if anyone tried to find them, they wouldn’t. It was like, I opened one shirt and put one book in it, folded the shirt entirely and then the next book in another shirt.
I walked towards my room, but I had to be cautious. I couldn’t let anyone see me go there because once I took them out, I needed to make sure they were not seen by anyone else.
I smirked internally, “It took a lot of effort and thought-process to hide them both. I am really good at hiding stuff like this, though someone may laugh at me for hiding that book under the bedsheet. Well, I didn’t even get time to hide it, it all happened so fast. So, I can’t blame my skills on that.
I started walking, taking one step, stopping and looking around me and then again taking one step and doing the same. If someone were to ask me where I was going or what I was going to do, I would have just made an excuse by saying that- I was going to the washroom. Luckily at this point, Nandana was in the kitchen, my parents were talking in the drawing-room and Mohan, he may be in his room as usual; he was the kind of person who didn’t speak much, someone who was not too convivial, but he loved everyone.
Just when I was about to reach the door of my room, I heard a sound. Although the room's gate was open as usual during the day, it felt to me as if someone was inside. I stopped in my path. I was a bit hesitant to just walk in. I paused for a moment, and the sound came again.
What's going on? Is someone really in there? But who can be inside? I just checked a minute back, and everyone was at work. I finally decided to move a bit closer to the corner of the door and peek inside. Maybe, there’s no-one there, and it is just my imagination. I glanced as good as I could, but in that view, I couldn’t see anyone. Well, I didn’t get a full view of the room, so I couldn’t be sure.
No! This won’t help. I need to go inside and check for myself to be sure. Maybe it’s just an evil mouse out there, trying to rule over the world. Who knows what goes into the mice’s mind these days, they are too scary. Like, they see you from the shadows, spying on your every move and then they wait for the right moment, to bite you, poison you and kill you in your sleep. And they are so small that you literally can’t do anything. Well, Nandana tries her best to keep them at bay, but these mischievous creatures are always hurting her, overworking her and, plus, she’s scared of them. So it’s tough for her to make them go for good. It's like a one-on-one fight. Well, I am afraid of them too. But I try my best to tackle them if required.
I finally made up my mind to go in. Taking baby steps, I stopped after taking 2 steps inside from the gate. I took a 180-degree view to check if someone was there, but there was no one. I decided to move a bit more inside, just as to reach the middle of the room to get a complete view of the room and be sure that nothing was wrong. I reached the middle and just when I was about to take a 360-degree view by turning myself, I felt as if someone had just rushed out of the room.
Thud… It looked like a man, but who could it be? Am I still fantasising? I knew it was not a product of my mind as the room’s right door swayed a little, so someone was definitely hiding behind it and seeing me they quickly rushed outside. Without much ado, I immediately rushed towards the gate to check who was there. I looked around, but there was no one in the view. Just how do these things happen? I need to be cautious now. I shut the door but didn't put the latch in place as that would have made someone wary of me.
I turned towards my closet. It was beautiful and clean as I had put it. I used to keep it as perfect as I could, but Nandana would always try to make it more perfect… like my cleaning still lacked many pointers. Well, I couldn’t say that I was the best. I just tried to be clean and make it clean whenever I could. Also, I just didn’t want her to stop doing what she loves. Seeing her arrange everything perfectly was so cute and lovely. Like I could just watch her whole day doing such stuff and do zilch else. But, she gets exhausted and then I don’t want her to do this. Still, I can’t just stop her from doing what she loves. So, all I can do is try to assist her and do a bit from my end. So, the work for her is reduced a little, and she gets a bit less tired.
These days, all I craved to do was mess up the whole place, so that her mind was engrossed in the cleaning stuff and somehow she could forget all that happened.
A tear dropped down from my eyes.
Why did it happen? My fault! My fault! Just my fault!!!! I am the worst person alive in this world! I don’t deserve to live! But I need to, till the time she is alive! For her! I can’t subject her to anything worse now. It would mean killing her from everywhere, destroying what little support system she has left.
I looked back again and then opened my closet. It was perfect, as usual. Well, too perfect for that matter. Like, my eyes were sparkling, seeing them. I ran my hand towards the front end of all the folded clothes and reached the lucky one, which was hiding the first book. I lifted the clothes above it, so as not to destroy the setting and then lifted out the one with my other hand.
Well!!! This feels a little bit less heavy than the last time. My hands are not weight balances, so who cares what they say or feel!
I placed the pack of clothes in my right hand back on the stack and put the lucky one on the bed. It was all about the setting, so I just couldn’t destroy it and make extra work for her.
I believe in the concept of reincarnation. I think that when a person is born, the mind is kept as a blank slate, but the soul remains as it is. It may be that the soul when a person dies goes for a final verdict and there it is broken down into pieces depending upon what kind of karma a person has. As if, less karma would destroy the soul more and good karma would leave it less broken. So, you can carry your skills and good qualities from previous birth.
That’s why I have a problem with hurting people and always try not to, but it just happens without me knowing. It just damn always happens. The more I try my best not to hurt someone, the next moment fate makes me hurt them, hurt them so much more. Can’t I do something about it? Maybe I can try to be a bad person. It’s like I am fed up of this stuff and then Purnima tells me not to always be helpful to people, but I just can’t. Like how do I do this? I am just me; this is just me. It’s not like I can go and kill who I am and become someone else.
Well, there are times when a person rubs me the wrong way, and I do get evil thoughts to do worse to them, but then I stop myself. I leave that person be, maybe they had their own experiences like there must be some reason why a person is like who they are, and I just can’t go and change anyone. Hell, I just can’t change myself so easily. It’s just that words from Nandana mean a lot; like she’s some angel, or a fallen angel and her words are so soft like they touch my heart and stay there without even reaching the brain. So, at times, I just don’t know what to say, and she may think that I am distant and keeping away, but it’s like I am dying inside.
I opened the shirt, and the book was not there. Gosh! Where did it go??? I took the shirt into my hand and shook it as hard as I
could, leaving the wrinkles to let be as something more important was pressing here. But nothing fell down, not even dust.
No! Please say this is not true. Where is the book? I was the only one who knew about the book, where it was kept, and I am damn sure that I kept it here in this shirt, but maybe I forget it, and I kept both the books in the other shirt, the green one. Let’s take it out, I am unnecessarily anxious. Everything will be alright. I quickly brought the other shirt out. As of now, I didn’t care as to what happened to the other shirts on top of it. For now, it was just the book-like no book, no life. In a hurry, I dropped the green shirt. But no sound came from it. Definitely, the book would have made a sound. Maybe the shirt gave them a padding effect. I lifted it and whoa... I was shocked to hell! Nothing was in here too...
Just how was this possible? Who could have taken the books without knowing about them, that there was something else in my closet except the clothes?
I suspected, “Was it Nandana? No, it can’t be. The closet was already set perfectly. Why would she disturb it? Or did she?”
It may be possible, though. I just can’t reject this possibility. I know no one else would disturb my closet. They don’t have anything to do with it. And, I am sure that I put them in here. My mind is okay right now. Could it have been that ghost?
Well, it was definitely the ghost. Nandana couldn’t be in two places at one time. Maybe that ghost already knew about the other books too as it knew about the first one.
Can I just go and ask her? But, I don’t want to hurt her at all because if I am the one who goes on to hurt her, then who would love her, make her feel safe. I know she thinks a lot, always trying to help everyone, but in the end, just no one helps her. Sometimes, it just feels like we both are thinking the same thing, and that’s when it hurts. Two people who think the same thing at the same time, bad things happen to them.
I could check her closet, but that would be like doubting her, can’t I just go and ask her. No, I can’t. I would have asked her before if we were not at this point, but the current situation would lead to more questions, more doubts, and more pain. So, searching in her closet would do for the moment. I need to be extra careful as one single mistake, and she would know it all. She may be busy in the kitchen. So, let’s get to work.
I opened her closet and slowly moved my right hand across all her clothes. The first shelf left me sad. Maybe the 2nd one may have it. I never wanted to doubt her, but it’s like at this point I wanted her to take it so that it turned easy for me. It would ease out my future plans. I went running my hand on the next shelf trying hard not to disturb the setting at all, looking for the book when someone opened the room’s door. I turned my head to look back and then in a split second, turned it back. It was her. It was Nandana! I brought my hand out and closed her closet, but I was too late. She had already seen me checking her closet.
Why do bad things happen to me? Now! I am the devil. Now! I can’t tell her the reason as to what I was doing, moreover, it would feel like I had my doubts about her on something. God! Why didn’t I just go to her and ask if she found some book? She would have told me on her own if it was something unintentional.
Nandana loved reading books, so our home was cropping up with a bunch of them. Maybe she took the book as she found it enthralling and nothing else at all. Perhaps, there was nothing to be scared of, and now I have ruined it all. I looked like a creep now.
One second, I was sweating badly and the next, trying to hold the fear in. I had a feeling that I had just killed someone and was holding the murder weapon in my hand. Also, in a hurry, I had just destroyed her perfect setting.
I was still thinking of a response when Nandana saw me and walked back. As if, it didn’t matter at all. I wanted to call her and tell her what I was doing, but it was too late. Well, it saved me from looking awkward, yet it still felt terrible.
Leaving all these thoughts of the book, I walked to the dining-room for dinner and later, and straight away went to sleep.
he next day, I went to work, and by the end of the day, I was too tired. So, I went to sleep straight away.
I woke up in the middle of the night. There was this banging sound. At first, I thought it was just a dog, but then it kept on increasing as if someone was doing it purposely. It was with regular pauses. Something like bang then a hiatus of 10 seconds, then another bang and the breaks kept on decreasing and the bangs increasing in frequency. In exasperation, I stood up from my bed and went to the front door. I opened the door a bit. There was hardly any light, so I couldn’t see anyone making that noise.
I closed the door and was about to head back when the sound came back. I opened the door again, but there was no one. Perplexed, I was about to close the door again when the bangs kept on bumming in my head. But what shocked me was that these thuds were so loud that even the whole neighbourhood would have woken up by now, but everyone else was asleep. How was that possible? I knew I couldn’t wake anyone else, because they would laugh at me.
Okay! I would walk to the main gate to see who was doing this stuff? There has to be someone or something. Maybe everyone else is just in a deep sleep, and I am the unfortunate one who had to be awake at this hour. I walked out from the front gate, towards the main gate. Walking up to it, I felt a swift frightening chill. I reached the gate, and there was no one there, no-one at all. I touched the gate’s handle to open it and look outside on the road, but it was as cold as ice. Touching it felt as if my fingers would just fall off from the cold. I touched the other part of the gate, and this was normal. How did this happen? Maybe it had something to do with the material composition of the handle.
Who knows? I should run back inside and go to sleep.
I started walking back towards the front gate to get back inside. I reached the door, and it was shut closed. I didn’t feel any presence before. But what the hell happened? I am sure I left it open, and it’s not possible to close it unless someone does it from the inside. Should I hit the door and wake everyone up? But, that would make them question me as to why I was here in the first place, and even if I tell them the truth, it would be like I am making some excuse or the other.
I can’t just spend the night here. It’s so freaking cold.
I tried to push the door hard in case it was stuck somewhere, but it didn’t budge. It was definitely locked from the inside. I shuffled between pushing the door and resting for a bit and then doing the same again. But it didn’t help at all. Finally, I decided that I couldn’t bear this anymore and hit the door hard. No-one came out. I hit again and then again, but there was just no response, no response at all. I started hitting continuously like a sound that would even make houses hundred meters away hear me thud, but nothing. It was like the same thing was happening to me that I had just experienced.
Tell me it’s just a dream? Please. Because otherwise, it’s so hurtful and cold. After a few minutes passed, I finally stopped. No-one came out, no response, the night was too silent. There was no-one to give me company, not even the street dogs who would occasionally bark at night. There was just no one except the freezing cold.
Dejected, I sat with my back against the wall, touching it; my hand hugging me without leaving any gap; my legs folded to bring the knees close to my chest and moving my head down, I just sat on the cold floor.
I will wait here till morning comes. I kept on thinking about how it happened and somewhere down the line, I slept. I don’t know how much time had passed, but I heard a familiar voice.
My father shouted, “You, idiot!! Wake up! What are you doing here? Do you want to die and leave us all alone after spending so much money on you?”
He hit me, “Wake up.”
I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t open them fully. Whatever little I could do, everything felt so blurry.
I asked in a faint incomprehensible voice, “Who’s there?”
He lifted me by the hand, “It’s me, your father, goddammit. You forgot me already. How much worse can you do? Just
when I thought you were getting better, you go on and do this stuff.?”
Everything was blurry at the moment, it felt as if my mind itself had frozen.
Luckily he took me inside.
Father yelled, “Look at this idiot. He was out all night in the freezing cold. Get him some blankets. I will beat the hell out of him when he turns normal. He thinks he can just go and do anything.”
I wasn’t able to make much of the sounds, just that someone was yelling something, and one other voice of someone panicking. But, there was this satisfaction in my heart that I would be okay now. Another voice reached my ears, painful as if about to cry.
“Where was he? How did this happen?”
“I don’t know. Just help me take him to your room and get him under some blankets.”
It was plausibly Nandana’s voice.
She spoke in a deplorable tone, “Yes, father!”
That feeling of losing someone again may have cropped in her mind. I remember being taken somewhere and put to rest on a bed, getting full with lots of blankets. It felt as if I would die not from the cold, but, from the weight of all those, hitting my chest and pushing my heart in. But, it felt warm, like a sudden breeze in the spring season and I went to sleep.
I woke up. Someone was putting a warm wet cloth on my head. I turned my head to the side a little bit, and it was Nandana. I took a moment to myself and finally realised what had happened. A tear dropped from my eyes as if I was about to cry. I knew I had done something wrong again, bad enough to make everyone cry, especially her. Her eyes were all wet as if she had cried a lot. I turned my head a little bit more towards her, but she was deep in her thoughts and wetting the cloth in warm water again and putting, doing this tirelessly every few seconds. It was as if she didn’t even know that I had already woken up.
I looked at her, and even though I wanted her to stop, as she must have already been too tired, I didn’t. It felt as if I was getting a bit selfish, getting all that love, and I didn’t want it to stop any time soon. But then this thought of overworking and hurting her came to my mind, and I stood up and looked at the clock. It was already 5 in the evening.