Whispers of Hate

by Sanchit Garg

  We walked towards the restroom, taking slow steps. I told Mohan to stay back, behind me. At that moment, all I was trying to do was to hold my emotions and my tears in, so I could pretend to be cold when I had to face my mother. So, she didn’t feel sad just seeing me.

  We reached them, and they were both sitting together hand in hand, waiting for Father to come with us, continually gawking at the door and seeing us, they both stood from her chair in excitement.

  My mother exclaimed, “So, how is your father?"

  “Mother!! Actually…”

  “What are you trying to say? Speak up fast. I can’t wait to meet him.”

  “Mother! The doctor told us that, Father…”

  “What about your father? What did the doctors say?”

  I was unable to speak up. There was too much to handle.

  “Don’t confuse me. Are you trying to play a joke? This is not a good time. Tell it to me fast, what is it? Does he need more time to be in the hospital? What is it?”

  Mohan shouted in between, “Mother! Father is dead! He died just now! He is no longer with us!”

  She slapped Mohan hard.

  “Don’t you dare say this? How dare you kill your father, even in words? The doctor said he was all good, and doctors never lie.”

  I finally spoke up too.

  “Mother! I don’t know who lied or who didn’t. But as of this moment, Father is no more with us. And the hard truth is that we can’t do anything about this, no matter what.”

  Mother hit on my shoulder. This time she was finally about to cry with tears in her eyes.

  “Don’t you dare do this to me. What would I do without him? My life would be meaningless. Just take him to some other hospital, do something… Don’t you love your father enough?”

  I replied, “We do, Mother, and that is the problem. This is the best hospital and there just isn’t anything more to do to save him.

  Nandana was standing still, but I knew hearing this was too much for her. She wanted to cry, but her eyes were already dry from before. My mother was about to fall back when Nandana quickly caught her and supported her. We were lucky to have another lady in our home. Someone who was smart enough to handle another.

  I was feeling sad for her. In the short time she had been with our family, she started to love my father more than she loved hers. This was the love that he gave her. For her, it was losing someone much more important.

  By this moment, my mother had turned spellbound. She stopped crying, she didn’t talk, and it felt as if she was a walking dead body now.

  I asked Mohan to take Nandana and Mother to the car. After he took them both away, I went to the doctor.

  “Doctor! When can we take father’s body back to our home for cremation?”

  “You can take him back after tomorrow morning.”

  I didn’t know what they wanted to do with him now, he was already dead. But my mind didn’t go in that direction and question them. Hell! I was weeping within. The fear of what was to happen to my mother now was more significant than the grief I experienced. Would she ever be happy again? I walked out of the hospital, towards the car. It was parked near the main gate, so I had hoped Mohan would find it easily. I looked to my right and found the three standing there.

  I ordered, “Mohan! Sit in the back seat with Mother and Nandana.”

  He nodded.

  Nandana just kept up with Mother. She must have felt an unbearable pain too, but somehow she held up just like Mohan, and I were doing. I entered the car through the driver’s seat, and we drove off to our home. No-one spoke a single word at all. At this moment, all I wanted to do was to reach home as safely as possible because everyone just wanted to cry and cry more. It was like the centre pillar of our home just broke off, fell and our home was about to fall off too.

  By the time we reached home, it was already time for dinner, but who cared about that. Right now, food was out of our dictionary. I parked the car, Mohan and Nandana came out, but my mother just kept on sitting without even blinking her eyes. I asked her to come out, but she didn’t.

  “Mother! Mother! Please come out.”

  She didn’t reply.

  I went to the back seat and sat beside her. She still didn’t move, just kept staring down, unblinking. I tried to shake her by the shoulder, but it was useless. I kept on sitting beside her.

  I asked Mohan and Nandana to go inside and that I would bring Mother inside. After a few minutes passed, she shook a little, looked at me and slapped me hard. She had never hit me before, and this was the first time she ever slapped me. I felt sad about to cry, but I didn’t. Seeing tears in my eyes, she started crying.

  She sobbed, “Why did you do this? Why weren’t you here when he needed you? Why did I believe in you and let you go to the city, so you could fulfil your wild fantasies about some imaginary ghost? There is no such thing as a ghost. How could you leave your family like that?”

  I just let her speak up, let all the emotions out and kept on listening to her. What could I do? I knew I was at fault. I wasn’t a good son, I wasn’t a good husband, I wasn’t a good father, I wasn’t even a good human being. What did I have in my defence?

  Nothing at all.

  I was the only one to blame for everything.

  “Why did this happen, Rameshwar? Why? Just why did your father leave us? God should have taken me, but not him. All my prayers for his long health went to nothing. Is there no GOD in the world? I have no more faith in anyone at all. I am hollow inside.”

  I brought my hand from her back to her other shoulder, trying to hug her and then got her out. She kept on crying, and all I could do was take her inside, slowly. Once inside, I locked the gate and took her to her room. I made her sit on the bed with her legs down, and the next moment, she turned her head a little and ran his left hand on the bed as if feeling something on the side where father used to sleep. She cried more, but I didn’t stop her because I knew how bad it was to not cry and let all the emotions be inside. I knew she would no longer be the same, but some things are out of our hands, no matter how hard we try them not to be.

  I just kept standing next to her and did nothing. After some time, Nandana came in with a glass of water for her, but my mother just kept looking at her bed. Maybe she was imagining and remembering Father. I took the glass from Nandana and tried to bring it close to mother’s mouth, but she still didn’t drink at all. So, I just left it near her bed on the side table.

  “Nandana! Can you sit close to Mother and if possible, sleep with her tonight?”

  She nodded innocently.

  I was always forcing things on her, making her do the hard work. Without even asking if she really wanted to do it or not. But, I was helpless. It’s that I trust her and I know that she can do it, so I told her to. But, that doesn’t give me the right to slave her out. She is not my puppet. But I thought that maybe, being a lady, she could support her. Purnima’s family was still oblivious to our situation as I thought I would tell them the next day when I brought my father’s body back.

  I asked Mohan to accompany both of them as much as possible. He was the only other man alive, so I had hoped he could at least be of some help, and also because he looked fine enough. He felt cold sometimes. So, I didn’t know if he loved our parents enough. Maybe he hated them a bit because most of the time he was just overlooked as he never tried to mingle with anyone. Most of the time, it was only me who would ask him how he was doing, and the rest of the days he was like a ghost. We didn’t even know if he was at home or outside. And all the other times when he was at home, he would be found inside his room, reading something or the other or just sleeping a lot.

  Although Nandana had made dinner and tried to serve it the best, no-one of us ate it. It was like we were looking at each other, hoping that if my mother eats it, we will eat it too. There was never a day before when our mother would have let her children not eat, but today was something else. Her life force was sucked out dry.

  I wished that
I had a miracle, something that would fix everything, but it never happened. Time just flew by for each of us, sometimes staring at the walls or the ceiling and remembering the happy days.

  The night came, it was around 8 pm, and I asked Nandana by calling her out slowly to get Mother to sleep. But, it looked as if my mother was already asleep with her eyes open. So, we both just shifted her a bit on the bed to make her comfortable, and Nandana slept beside her. I walked to my room to sleep.

  When I woke up, I found myself back at our old house, but everything was blurry. I was scared to be back here even. I was inside the house. I looked for anyone else, but no-one else was there. So, I walked out of the house. As I came out, I saw a man in white kurta and dhoti standing with his back towards our gate and holding a small child in his hand. I moved to his right side, and it was my father. He was glowing in white light, a little bit, just looking at the road, and the child appeared to be Jai, but smaller in age. I just looked at both of them, standing there peacefully, I was about to walk to them, but stopped myself. I didn’t know when again, I would be able to see this view. I kept on staring at them for the next 10 minutes or so and then decided to reach out to them, to listen to him talk again, to scold me, to touch him, to feel my child again, but the moment I moved from my place, everything vanished and I woke up in reality. It was a dream, but a good one. One which brought a smile to my face. I went back to sleep again in the hope that I would see them again.

  n the morning, I came out of my room and saw my mother in the hall, laughing. I thought that she was demented due to her sadness.

  I walked up to her and asked, “Mother! You Good?”

  She grinned, “Rameshwar! Do you know what happened last night?”

  I was shocked, “No! I don’t.”

  “Well, your father came in my dream and told me that he’s going to a wonderful place. But, that’s not all, he told me that he would come to take me soon. I am happy. He would come to take me with him… with him… I am going with him...”

  She had a dream of father, too! This is strange. I wanted to cry seeing her like this. But I just smiled. She was happy, even if this was only a product of her mind, she was delighted, so I smiled a bit more.

  “Yes, mother! He will come to take you soon. And, it's my father, so he would never lie. He’s a man of his word, and I know that he can’t be without you.”

  “Yes, he is! So, don’t you all miss me once I am gone? I would be happy with him, and you all should be happy for us both.”

  “Yes, mother! We would all be happy.”

  Next, she went to Nandana and Mohan, told them the same thing, and I just followed with her, working in sign language to make them behave in the same way I acted and they both did.

  At 10 in the morning, I walked out of the house and drove the car to the city to get my father back. Well, what was left of him! I reached the hospital at 12:30 pm, and after completing a few formalities, I was ready to go back home, together with him. The hospital attendants helped me get my father to lie down in the back seat of the car. I thanked them as I drove off.

  On the way, only sorrow was inside me. Every 10 minutes, I would just look into the rear-view mirror and look at my father’s body, hoping for some miracle to happen, making him wake up; sometimes looking at his shut eyes, that maybe they would open and other times, I just cried. I reached back home at 4 pm and parked the car. I walked inside and called for Mohan.

  “Mohan! Father’s body is lying in the back seat of our car. Come with me to help me bring him inside the house.”

  He nodded, and we walked outside towards the car.

  Once done, we placed him on his bed.

  I requested, “Mohan! Can you go to Purnima’s house and bring her here. Don’t tell her the reason, just tell her that something urgent is there and she needs to be at our homee.”

  He just went away to Purnima’s house without speaking anything.

  Nandana was still trying to maintain her distance. She was broken from the inside, but she didn’t want to cry out and make everyone else cry. My mother came back to her room and sat besides father. She touched his lifeless body and kissed him on his forehead. This was shocking for me as I had never seen any of them kissing or touching each other. She always felt bashful when other people, even her kids, were nearby when my father touched her. But now, she didn’t care at all. She looked at him with teary eyes. It was like she was waiting for him to give her a toy, which in her case was for him to take her away. Meaning she wanted to die soon, too.

  I moved out of the room with tears in my eyes, to leave the two of them alone. I knew my mother wouldn’t take any drastic steps and kill herself on her own. I went ahead and just sat on the sofa in the drawing-room. After some time, Purnima came with Mohan and walked into the room I was sitting in. It felt as if Mohan had told her I needed her urgently, so she came straight to me.

  I wanted to be the one to tell her what happened, but I decided not to go to her place because she would have made me tell her the truth then and there; she always did if she got to that. So, I thought with how Mohan was, not talking much, he could bring her without hurting her on the way, and he just did.

  Commendable job, brother!

  She asked in exasperation, “What happened? Are you trying to play a trick on me, to take revenge for all the days on which I got you punished by our father?”

  With a sad face, I replied, “Please, stop! It’s something more than that. Much more than that. But how do I say it?”

  “You are scaring me. Just say it. What is it? Mohan, what's wrong, please tell me?”

  Mohan kept quiet. He was not ready to tell it to her. With a stone on my heart, I finally spoke up.

  “Father is dead!”

  She hit me twice.

  She was enraged, “Say it again?”

  “Father! He is dead and no longer in this world.”

  She hit me again. She was three years younger than me, and she still hit me. Well, everyone deserves to hit me for my folly. Tears got into her eyes now.

  “Please don’t lie to me, why are you joking like this? I don’t want this to be true… please tell me this is not true?”

  “It is true. Everything is. Our father died yesterday evening at the city hospital, and I brought his body home just now.”

  “Where is he? Let me see him? Where is mother?”

  She hugged me and cried.

  “I would tell you, but before that, please promise me that you would not cry once you go to him, at least not in front of our mother? Can you promise me that?”

  “Why should I not do that? Why not, mother?”

  I spoke back with teary eyes, “He’s in his room. Not his! It’s now only mother’s room. Mother had a dream last night where father told him he’s coming for her and since that time she’s just moving happily and not crying anymore. So, if she sees someone crying, I don’t know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.”

  She just nodded and walked to mother’s room. I followed her, in case she broke her promise, but I knew she wouldn’t. She went to her room, sat there for a few minutes and just walked out of it. It felt as if, seeing his lifeless body was too much for her to bear. She walked to Nandana and hugged her tightly. It was like they were both kind of best friends.

  First, when I married Nandana, they didn’t like each other much, but as time passed, Purnima started to like her. The reason was that while she was still unmarried and at home, father shifted his love to Nandana from her and it must have felt like a competition for her, seeing her lose out on the love. So, she tried to be extra nice around father and even tried to bring Nandana down. Still, Nandana is someone who takes life’s challenges head-on, she doesn’t fear anything and always tries to be herself, giving out the best no matter what anyone else thinks of her and loves everyone.

  We were to cremate father the next morning at 6, so I moved out to make necessary preparations. It was time for me to take the reins, no matter how much I wanted to run away
from my responsibility. I needed to be hard, masculine and robust, being feminine like was no longer an option, being a child was no longer an option. But what could I do? I had a child’s brain in a man’s body.

  I came back home at around 5 in the evening, and by this time, Purnima had already gone back to her home. Everyone else ate dinner with sad thoughts in their hearts because my mother served it, and she ate it too. I looked at father’s chair, it was still empty. It was bound to be empty for a long time. After that, we just went to sleep. We were sleepy, tired and lethargic because no one had eaten anything since the previous morning, so slumber came automatically.

  The next day, I woke up at 3 in the morning. It was completely dark. I went to my mother 's room to check on her and Nandana, and they were sleeping peacefully. I walked close to Nandana, she was asleep on the left side of the bed like a cute baby, hair all messed up. I looked at her in silence, wanting to hug her and look into her deep eyes, her eyes which had so much depth in them that even my emotions didn’t, the one thing which made her look just like me, no matter how hard she tried to differentiate herself, but eyes don’t lie, they never do. Didn’t know what happened, but I kept on moving closer to her and was about to kiss on her forehead when she opened her eyes, and I felt completely awkward. She looked at me, and I quickly backed off. It didn’t take much time for me to walk out of the room, hoping that she didn’t understand what I was doing, but maybe she did.

  I went to Mohan’s room to check on him, but he was already awake and dressed up in a white kurta-pyjama attire. I proceeded to get ready and then dressed in a white kurta-pyjama, too. By this time, Purnima's family and our neighbours had come in, also. Mohan and I had already laid father’s body in the hall so that anyone coming could bid their final goodbye to him. Purnima brought his child too. Sudhir looked baffled as to what was happening.

  Knowing my father’s demise, Tauji’s family had come in, too.

  Tauji walked up to me and asked, "Rameshwar! How did this happen?"

  "I don't know Tauji. What's done is done. It's no use discussing why something bad happened. One moment he was there and the next, the doctor told us he was no more."