by Sanchit Garg
She got scared, “No, don’t go. Not to that place. What is it that you need to do?”
There is this mental illness that was eating me every day. Is there no solution to this? I wanted to grow old with Nandana, but why is it? Why are my views, my thoughts, so conflicting that it’s like nothing feels right, just darkness within, emptiness which wants itself to be heard?
“I told you about that Baba, he was highly learned and he told me to give our house for charity. He told me that it would help in our situation and I was about to do that, but then father got admitted to the hospital on the same day and everything bad kept on happening that I just forgot about it. I need to give our house to charity. I am wondering if someone can set up a school there, so a lot many kids can benefit. I think that’s the best thing to happen in that village, something which we should have done a long time ago.”
“This is a good thought, but what about Mohan?”
“I have decided to burn his body at a secluded place during the night. We can’t let anyone else know what happened to him, not even Purnima. I will come up with an excuse for that, later on. After that’s done, I would like to go to the village alone.
“No! I will go with you.”
“No, you don’t understand. You and mother are not going back to that place. Something bad started from that place, and I just don’t know what. I can’t hope to get anything wrong done to you both.”
“And what about you? I can’t let you go alone. I can’t let anything bad happen to you.”
I smiled, “Me! I would be okay. I have gone to that house two times, and nothing happened to me. Maybe, I am the one killing everyone, so you need to be careful of me too.”
She smirked, “No, you can’t kill anyone. You can’t even kill an ant, and you are saying you killed people. If there is something that you can do, it’s overthinking. You don’t have it in you to kill someone. I know that.”
I turned my head down, “Okay! If you say so. But, I still believe there is something wrong with me. I just know it, whether you believe it or not.”
She was scared, “Should we go to the hospital? Maybe the doctor can check you for any diseases?”
“It’s not about that, leave it. I would go alone after a few days, but I can’t postpone it any further and would be back before that day ends. I won’t take much time, so be strong and reach out to Purnima if you ever need any help. I know this is too much to ask of you, but please, I don’t know who else to turn to.”
With a sad face, she replied, “Okay! But don’t you hide anything from me. Never again. I can’t take it. You know I have been going through a lot too, not because of everything that’s been happening, but because you just keep on ignoring me. And, sometimes it just feels like you don’t love me anymore.”
“Don’t love you! If there is someone who I can love more than anything, that is you and forever will be you. I know parents love their kids more, but even then, it is you, forever. And, that is why I can never think of hurting you, but I still always do somehow. The more I try not to, the more I hurt you.”
“You know; I’m not giving up. I’m in this with you. And, sometimes it won’t be fun, but we’ll always be working, and we will do it.”
“But how can we, when we don’t even know how this is happening or who is doing this? This is so beyond us. Are you sure this is not me? Maybe I am doing all these murders, and after doing them, I just forget them?”
I was about to speak more, but she just hugged me and then walked away into the kitchen.
I felt a bit relieved, but I still had a lot to do.
After having breakfast, I went out to make the necessary preparations to get everything ready for the night. Some wooden planks, oil, a large black cloth of 2 meters*3 meters, a fire stick and an urn to collect his ashes. After purchasing them, I had to find a nice spot, somewhere hardly anyone passed or knew about, and place all the items there, so at night it was easy for me to settle everything once and for all. But, there was this feeling within me, that there was something I was still missing out on but didn’t know what it was. Something was eating me from the inside out, but what was it?
At around 3 in the evening, I came back home. I didn’t open shop that day as there wasn’t enough time to do everything. Though I had set up everything with the burning part, Mohan was still lying in his room in a pool of blood all around.
I picked up a cleaning cloth, a bucket full of soapy water, the black cloth which was big enough to completely cover Mohan’s dead body, and then I went straight to his room. I had to clean up the mess before anyone else noticed and to not leave any clues as to what happened in his room.
First, I tried to bring Mohan’s hand and feet to a normal position. It was tough and took a lot of force to do that as his body was utterly hardened in that pose. I was already tried, but a lot more had to be done on my own. Next, I moved his body to one side and wrapped it in the black cloth which I had already laid down adjacent to his body.
I took a rest for 20 minutes. With that done, the next hard part was to clean off the blood. I dipped the cleaning cloth into the soapy water and started rubbing off the floor.
After an hour, I was able to remove most of it, but still, some of it remained, and it looked like it wasn’t working. So, I went into the storage room, which was next to the kitchen and took out Phenyl that we used to clean the toilet. I thought an acid would complete the remaining work. By 6 pm, I was done with the cleaning, and the floor felt like new. I was about to marvel at my cleaning skills, but then my gaze went to Mohan’s body draped in the black cloth, and I turned sad.
At 8 in the night, after having dinner, I went to my mother’s room. Nandana had already fed mother up with some liquids. I thought she would smile when she saw me, but she didn't. It was horrible that she was trapped inside her paralysed body, unable to communicate. I could still see her eyes, always slightly open and glazed. All she was capable of now was to move her eyes, listen and eat. I talked to her for some time, but all the time, she kept looking at the door as if waiting for someone. I simply held mother's hands a bit tighter and tried to distract her, to turn her gaze away as best I could with talk about how Purnima and her son were doing, but nothing happened. She just kept looking at the door with point-blank focus.
Was she still waiting for my father or was it someone else, Mohan maybe? Maybe, she thinks that she will die soon and is happy that her husband is fulfilling his promise to her.
At 11 in the night, I made my move. I chose this time as I knew almost everyone would have slept by now. I had already told Nandana to lock the home once I was gone and not to come out of her room till I was done with taking Mohan’s body out of the house. I didn’t want her to see Mohan’s face. He was like a younger brother to her, and sometimes it felt like they had a good bonding, so I didn’t want her to see him like that. It was hard for even me to do what I was doing. It felt like I killed him and now I was going to remove all clues of the crime. I picked up a lamp and with Mohan’s body half lifted, I dragged it out of our house, then through the garden path and onto the back seat of the car. I started the car, turned the headlights on and drove away to the secluded spot that was some 12 kilometres away from our house where I had already placed everything.
I reached the spot in under 15 minutes and stopped the car some 30 meters away from it. Keeping the headlights ON as it was completely dark, I dragged Mohan’s body out of the car and dragged it to the spot, but it was harder than it was at home. Unlike the smooth floor there, here it was all dusty and wet. Somehow, I still got him on the top of the wooden planks and placed 2-3 more planks over him. Next, I spread oil on every one of them and even on Mohan and with a fire-stick, I put him to fire with my own hands. I knew it was going to take time, so, I lit the lamp and turned off the car’s headlight. Doing this all on my own was daunting, but what could I do? In my mind, I already imagined him as a seven-year-old child who I slapped, and now I was burning this child, and he was crying so much. I w
anted to help him, but I couldn’t. Just how could I now.
By 2 am, all that was left were his ashes. I collected enough of it and then started the car to head back home.
Nandana would have slept by now. No! She wouldn’t have. She would just be sitting near a window with tired and sleepy eyes, waiting for me. I didn’t even tell her how long this was going to take, and when I would be back. I just hoped that she’s wasn’t scared.
It was completely dark outside. The moon’s light was not there. I drove slowly as the car’s headlight wasn’t entirely enough to illuminate the way. Also, there was a high likelihood of a wild animal coming my way. I arrived back home at 2:30 am. I parked the car and went inside through the main gate. It was cold outside. I was 10 steps away from the front door when it opened automatically. I was startled. How did it open by itself?
I stopped myself.
The next moment, Nandana’s sad face flashed before my eyes, and I quickly ran towards the front gate. In one moment, I lost all fear and just wanted to reach inside rapidly and check if everything was alright. I reached the front gate, all sweating and panicking when someone appeared before the gate. It was Nandana. She was the one who had opened it. Seeing her in real life was like my life given back to me. I smiled on seeing her, and she looked at me with a sad face, as if about to cry.
ith watery eyes, Nandana hit on my shoulder and turned back to walk towards the hall. I felt sad for making her go through this situation. I knew she was hurt and scared. And, a fool like me didn’t even say sorry to her. Saying these appreciative and guilty words was not my cup of tea. I had a problem speaking up about things in my mind. But, in these moments, I always felt that I should, but words just didn’t come out of my mouth.
I closed my eyes and finally said, “Nandana! I am sorry! I am really sorry!”
I opened them to see that she had already walked to our room and didn’t listen to it. That’s why saying such words was so hard for me. At the moment I finally say them, it’s already too late.
With a sad face, I started to walk towards the hall. I reached the corner of the wall, which separated the gallery from the hall and turned right. I kept on sauntering, but I felt someone focusing on me.
What is this feeling? Who can be here now?
I was about to turn back when someone grabbed me from behind, tightly. I felt a chill run down my spine.
Please, save me! Anyone!
I was about to call out to Nandana, but I heard a voice.
“You, idiot! How can I hate you now? Why do you do that? Why? You didn’t even let me hate you completely.”
She tightened her grip.
I was tired and stressed out from the whole day of work and my body hurt when she touched me, but still, it felt wonderful.
I didn’t speak a word anymore. I just wanted this moment to last forever. It was like we felt each other’s emotions.
A few minutes passed and then she loosened her grip. I turned towards her to see tears in her eyes. Seeing them, instead of wiping them away, I cried back, and we both wiped each other’s tears. Each of us may have been thinking in their heads- He’s an idiot! She’s an idiot! Why does she love me so much? Why does he love me so much?
After this episode, we walked into our room to sleep.
After three nights, Purnima came to our home at 8 in the morning. It was the day I had finalised to go to the village, but seeing her come unexpectedly and that too at such an early hour was something that I didn't expect. She had come in with her son, Amit, but her face was not looking good.
I asked her, “What happened?”
She replied, “I have been feeling a little uneasy for the past few days, but I don't understand why this is happening. Is everyone else okay? Mother? Mohan? Nandana? You?”
I paused for a moment, “Yes, everyone is totally okay. There's nothing to be scared of…”
She was shocked, “Scared of? What are you saying? Did something happen?”
Why did I utter that word? I don't have any conversation skills at all.
“I meant that everyone's okay. Mother is as usual, and Mohan went to the city to meet his friends. He felt our business was not his cup of tea, so he is hoping to find good work there. I don't know by when he would return, but this time he was serious about doing something great. Our father wouldn't have allowed him this privilege, but now there’s no one like him in this world who can scold him not to go, so when he asked me, I just told him to do whatever he wanted to do. I felt a change of air would be good for him.”
Saying this pure lie after burning him was killing me from within. I just wanted him to be happy. I don't know how it happened, but a tear dropped down my eyes.
“Hey! Don't worry. I understand it. He will come back soon; I don't believe that he can work hard enough. It's just like a fluke. I hope that it is.”
So, she didn’t ask much as to where he was or what or how he was doing. It was like no one took much notice of him. He was like a child who was born when no one wanted him. Because Father loved Purnima more, and Mother loved me more. It must have felt to him that no one loved him at all. Living his life as he lived, it must have been painful and scary, and then I went ahead and destroyed whatever little he had in his life that made him keep on going. Well! I always used to take notice of him, playing jokes with him and maybe he thought there was someone who loved him too and then, he found out there was just no one who loved him, no one at all. I killed him just like I destroyed everyone else.
I gave a fake smile, “Yes! I hope so too!”
I tried to change the topic, “So, how's this little man doing? He's grown up strong and powerful in a short time. I think he can beat me any minute.”
She laughed, “Anything! This was not a good joke. He's doing well. I am just hoping he starts to speak soon.”
Nandana came into the dining-room, flashing a smile and served some snacks. It wasn't anything formal, but she just loved sharing food with others. Whenever anyone came, she would just make them feel blessed to have come to our home, serving them the best we had.
As to how she looked at Purnima’s child, I knew she wanted one and getting a child would turn her how she used to be, at least a little bit better. But, I loved playing the devil and couldn’t give her this happiness. Not when everything was so messed up. So, instead of going to the village, I just went to work as usual. I felt that the more I stayed at home, the more I would have to lie to her, so it was better to walk away. Work was hectic as usual, with me as the sole worker at our shop, not ours now. It was only me. I sobbed within.
By the time I came back, Purnima had already gone back to her home. I walked to Nandana.
“Hey! I will be going to the village this Sunday.”
She replied, “Okay!” and didn’t say anything more after that.
Every time I remembered Mohan, the panic would spread inside me, and the image would come flooding back. I wanted to beat myself up, so I asked Nandana to give me a horrible physical pain, but she didn't, and I was left with excruciating pain within and nothing else. Just one look in his eyes made it harder for me to turn away. They had so much pain, shock, and fear that it was not human, nothing felt human now.
How could I blame him for all those things? Even though he was going through the pain, the suffering and I just made him die with all of that and much more. I never understood him. If a person doesn’t speak much, it doesn’t mean he doesn't have any emotions, it is just that they are scared to show them out to the world and make other people hurt too. But what can I do now?
The next night at 9, I went to sleep, with Nandana sleeping beside me. I woke up in the middle of the night to find out that Nandana wasn't there. I went to my mother’s room, and Nandana wasn’t there either. I was about to turn back to check the other places when my gaze went to the front door, and I felt something different about it. I walked towards it to check if everything was okay, but to my astonishment, it was not locked and further it was open a little bit.
/> This was strange, I had locked it before going to sleep. In fear, I peeked through the open space, and it was like someone was standing outside. I half opened the gate now and saw that it was Nandana, facing towards the gate with her head down.
I shouted in fear, “Nandana! Why are you standing out there?”
She didn’t reply.
I pleaded, “Hey! Come inside, please.”
She still didn’t reply.
So, I reached out to her hand and grabbed her right hand’s elbow. It felt like she didn’t have any energy at all and was about to fall. I quickly tried to bring her inside, but it felt like my energy was draining out too. Something or someone was sucking all of our life force. Once she was inside, I was about to close the gate, when I heard the sound of drums. The beating continuously increased as if someone was getting close to us. I somehow pushed her towards a wall adjacent to the gate and tried to close it as hard as I could, but it was almost impossible, I just couldn’t. I didn’t have any stamina to do anything. My view turned blurry, and I fell, with Nandana still being in one corner.
I opened my eyes again and found myself lying down on my bed. I looked to my left and Nandana was sleeping beside me. I took a deep breath after finding out that it was just a nightmare. I checked the time, and it was 3:20 am. I walked to the front gate, and it was closed as usual. I got my breath back. Nothing like that happened in real life, but it was too scary.
A few days passed, and then the next Sunday came. Nandana packed me some food, and I drove off to the village. It wasn’t a long journey, so, I reached within an hour or two considering the bad roads. Once there, I unlocked our old house and was about to enter inside when I heard faint echoes of our children’s laughter. I walked to their room, but there was no one. The house was already empty. The door hinges creaked just as they always had. My footsteps echoed as I walked into the rooms. I was somehow hoping for the imaginary to happen, but it didn’t. It all felt so dull, so lifeless as if we had never lived here. Everything about it felt sick and disgusting.