Cheap & Classy (Hide Your Crazy)

by Hardenbrook, T. A.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, it’s no big deal. I’ve been trapped on a bus with them before. We can figure something else out later. Let’s just get this circus on the road,” I replied, secretly cursing the bunk situation out in my mind. I really didn’t want to ride with PD, but I also didn’t want to sleep on the couches of the crew bus. Tonight would be the one and only time those couches would be sanitary, and I refused to subject Megan to that kind of torture.

  “Hey slut muffin,” Danielle shouted out the crew bus door.

  “Yes, my non lesbian lover?” I yelled back, rolling my eyes at my crazy costume designer.

  “Are you riding with us?”

  “Nope.” I shook my head and motioned to the other bus.

  “Oh, I see. Well, remember to take your pills and keep your legs closed!”

  “Oh don’t worry, Danielle; the bat cave is out of service.” Instantly my face turned red, realizing I just basically let everyone know that I was not putting out or getting any. I really needed to think before I opened my damn mouth. Way to be classy, Molly Anne.

  Sitting down on the front couch, I tapped out a quick message to Stephanie and let her know we were finally on the road. The drive should hopefully only take six hours or so by bus with good weather over the pass; putting us in Spokane sometime before four am. The guys were scheduled for a radio set at seven with a couple local stations. Thankfully, it gave everyone a little time to get some sleep tonight. This bus was different from Black Laden’s ride; sure it was still way beyond their basic needs, but didn’t have the glamour as their prior tour mates. Instead of the bedroom in back like Reid had, there were six bunks that stacked two high. Sure, they had more headroom than the crew bus that rocked three bunks to a section, but in the end they were still bunks. The small kitchenette didn’t sport the dark wood and granite like the previous busses, but all of the appliances looked new. One thing that excited me was the fabric couches. The ones on Black Laden’s bus were leather, and I always wound up sticking to them when I fell asleep. At least here I wouldn’t wake up with the seam marks running across my face.

  “Are you excited to head out with us, Miss Molly?” Chance asked, sitting down in a captain’s chair across from me.

  “Of course I am.” I smiled; trying to hide the simple fact that I would rather still be Stephanie’s assistant with Black Laden, if that meant I could be closer to Reid. Chance grinned and kicked his feet up on the table between the two chairs.

  “Seriously, Chance? This isn’t home; get your feet off the damn table,” I scoffed, disgusted at the thought of what could possibly be on the bottom of his shoes. I knew these guys partied a little harder than BL, but they were also a couple of years younger and still green, too. I bet their evening before getting on the bus consisted of strippers and booze. Nothing like skank on the table to make you want to go ahead and bleach the whole lot of them. Nasty ass stripper loving boys.

  “Hey Jeremy, Brantley? Will you guys come up front so we can go over a couple of details before it gets any later?” I yelled down the short hallway. I needed to remind the guys of the label’s expectations of them while on the road.

  “Is this where we get a lecture on not getting anyone pregnant?” Chance razzed, tossing a little smirk at Eric sitting across from him.

  “Actually, Chance, I don’t give a rat’s ass if you knock up some chick. But, you might want to think about the end result in that scenario. First, most of the chicks you bed on the tour are groupies. Which means they are desperate to latch on for that full eight seconds. Second, you would be responsible for that child for the next eighteen years. This means you are paying for the little monster’s schooling, sports, clothing, food, and even baby momma’s new boob job after the kid destroyed the first set. And third, well, you reproducing should just be illegal.”

  “Ouch, Molly, that cut me deep.”

  “Just do the world a favor and wrap your dick please.” I snorted, rolling my eyes at the idiot. “I’ll even do you a favor and grab a box of extra smalls for you at the next stop.”

  “Shit, Molly, our rider says we need extra-large,” Eric added.

  “True, but I figured you were just blowing those up and using them for sword fights,” I replied with a wicked grin. These boys had another thing coming if they thought they were going to get off easy on this tour. I had enough shit in my life to make a mud hut village for most of the population of New York City.

  “Watch out for her boys; she’s feisty,” Brantley remarked, flopping down on the couch next to me.

  “That I am, Brantley. Oh, how is that wife of yours?” Score one for Team Molly.

  “Alright boys, these next seven weeks are completely jam packed. We are playing a total of thirty-six shows, and I can’t even tell you how many radio stints and press junkets. Just like management stated, the venues will be smaller, but the crowd is all yours. They are one-hundred percent here for you, considering I have never heard of this opening band before. Same rules apply from the BL tour; the only thing that has changed is everything else,” I joked, tucking my legs up underneath me.

  “Just think of all the pussy we are going to get now,” Chance exclaimed, smacking Eric across the table.

  “Real classy, Chance,” I mumbled while tapping out a quick message to Megan.

  “Are there any down days?” Jeremy questioned.

  “Not really, but if you count bus time, then you will have plenty.” This wasn’t a cake walk kind of tour. PD was still hot on the charts, but only having one album and two singles that have made the top ten, they were going to have to bust ass to make their name stick around.

  “Did you bring your guitar?” Brantley asked suddenly.

  “Yeah, but he is on the crew bus.”

  “Well then, we have a surprise for you,” Chance gushed, quickly standing up and sprinting for a cupboard in the back.

  Chance came walking back with a cat that ate the canary kind of grin spread across his face. His arms were behind his back, but I could clearly see the black outline of a guitar case behind him.

  “We just wanted to say thank you for coming on the road with us. We all appreciate everything you have already done for us, and even with Brantley’s fuck up earlier, we are glad you are taking the chance on the band again.” Chance smiled while bringing the case around in front of him.

  My eyes began to water and a hitch developed in my throat. Damn girly emotional feelings and their stupid moments of weakness. Why must I have a vagina?

  “You guys,” I sighed, reaching out to flip open the locks on the case. The water works began to fall the moment I got a peek at that little beauty sitting in her purple velvet bed. A Taylor 416c Grand Symphony. She was fucking gorgeous. “She’s mine?”

  “No, dipshit, its Brantley’s wife’s,” Chance smirked.

  Reaching over, I slugged the asshole. “Not funny, jerk.”

  “He was kidding, Molly,” Brantley blurted out, narrowing his eyes at his band mate.

  Grabbing the sweet girl by the neck, I gently lifted her out of the case and cradled her in my lap. Her steel strings were fresh and the smell of spruce sent shivers down my spine. She was stunning; just holding her was making my fingers twitch and mouth salivate.

  “So are you going to play or what?” Jeremy prodded.

  “Fuck you, Jeremy,” I barked, still savoring the first moments we had together.

  “Are you like having a moment or something?” Chance looked a little confused while standing there holding the empty case.

  “This is something special, Chance; don’t ruin the moment.”

  “It’s a good thing you are hot, Molly, because you are all sorts of cray-cray.” A collective laugh came from the group as I shot them a glare.

  No one ever did anything nice for me. My grandfather gave me my first guitar and my father gave me my car, which is still M.I.A for the time being. For birthdays and Christmas, I always got things that I needed and never wanted. So moments like this,
where everything seemed absolutely perfect and wonderful needed to be treasured.

  “Thank you,” I managed to whisper. Yep, things like that happened once in a lifetime.

  Chapter 3

  Here is your standard issued clone and dick kit. Sure to solve all your emotional problems with a flick of the switch.

  I felt the bus stop a little after two am, but refused to acknowledge that we had arrived. The boys had their first solo radio stint at six this morning, and that would require me to have them up around four-thirty if I wanted them out of the damn bus on time. So when my alarm beeped at four, signaling for me to get my lazy ass up off the couch, I chucked my phone across the shallow bus. “Fucker,” I grumbled, slowly opening my eyes to darkness. This was the worst part of my job, getting up. I fought sleep last night, and I was pretty sure today was going to test my patience and sanity to the fullest.

  Hauling myself off the couch, I stumbled my way back to the bathroom. I really should have given myself more time to get ready this morning, considering it was the first day on tour and I shouldn’t look like an inmate at the local correctional facility. Rubbing the black eyeliner-mascara combo that smeared under my eyes, I splashed some cool water over my face in hopes to liven me up a bit. Truth be told, all it did was make me a little bitter to the early morning. Only thirty-five more shows to go.

  “Hey boys, time to get up,” I sang with a half cheerful, half I hate morning’s kind of voice. I knew it would take me at least three tries to wake the sleeping dead. I don’t know how the male species could sleep through just about anything; but if I learned anything from touring with BL, it was waking up sleeping rock stars was the devil’s work. The only exception to my new found knowledge was Reid. Apparently, that man didn’t need sleep to function. However, now that I think about it, maybe that was the reasoning behind his mental instability. Lack of sleep can cause one to go crazy, and lord knew that man was all sorts of fucked up.

  “Chance, Jeremy, Brantley, Eric………………..get your lazy asses out of bed and ready for the interviews. You all have exactly a half hour to piss, shave, change your nasty clothes, and get social before we leave for the radio station,” I shouted, ripping the curtain back on Chance’s bunk.

  “Take a Midol or something, you evil morning bitch,” Chance grumbled, burying his head under the small pillow.

  “Well good morning to you, too, asshole, and just for your information, my period was last week.” Grabbing the pillow, I ripped it off his head and tossed it on the floor. “In all seriousness, you all need to get up. Like now.”

  I watched as Eric and Jeremy pulled back their curtains, slowly sliding out of their bunks. Three down, one to go, I thought to myself as I reached across the small hallway and snatched Brantley’s back. Letting out a little gasp, there slept a very naked Brantley, oblivious to my morning rant on getting up.

  “Get up, Fucker.” Chance chuckled, flicking his hand on Brantley’s unprotected penis.

  “Son-of-a-bitch,” Brantley roared, instantly curling himself up in the fetal position.

  “Welcome to day one of the tour, Brantley; so glad you were able to join us,” I snickered, letting a satisfied grin appear on my face. “First day, boys; let’s make it count,” I cheered, heading for the small galley kitchen to start a pot of coffee. If I was going to get through this morning with four children, I required coffee, and lots of it.

  After indulging in several cups of liquid crack, I pulled on a pair of black boots and a heavy red pea coat. I knew Spokane was colder than Seattle, but I wasn’t exactly prepared for snow when I stepped off the bus. Suddenly, my face was attacked by the white stuff and laughter could be heard in the small parking lot.

  “What the fuck!” I shouted, dropping my banana and wiping the powder off my face.

  “That’s for waking me up this morning,” Chance remarked with a sloppy grin on his stupid face.

  “For serious, Chance? You tone-deaf cock knob!” I raved, readjusting my beanie and glaring at the men standing there laughing. Bending down to grab my breakfast off the street, my mind was already plotting revenge on the ass. Wouldn’t be very funny if he got locked off the bus tonight, naked, and alone. A sickening smile touched my lips and more ideas began to roll through my mind. Keep messing with me boy; he has no idea who he was fucking with.

  The boys had the rest of the morning off after the interview. I sent them back to the bus and headed inside of the venue to check on Megan.

  “Oh Miss Blonde Bombshell! Yoo-hoo, over here!” Danielle shrieked down the hallway. I shook my head and waved at the crazed idiot. Having her as head of wardrobe on this tour was going to be epic. Sure, we managed to get ourselves into some pretty amazing debacles, but hey, who doesn’t live it up while on the road with rock stars. I mean, come on. Some crazy antics are basically a given in this world.

  “First, I can’t believe you are still rocking the blonde hair; very mod of you. And second, have you seen the road crew? I swear they hired more hotties than I can go through in this short amount of time!”

  “You slut.” I laughed, pulling her into a large hug. I missed connections like this. Danielle had become an awesome friend on the last tour, and having her with me on this one might just save my sanity. Well, what’s left of it anyway.

  “How was the drive down? Get any action?”

  “Really, Danielle? Do you not remember what happened last time? There is no way I’m crossing that line ever again,” I scoffed, rolling my eyes at her.

  “What? Just because you crashed and burned doesn’t mean you need to be celibate.”

  “Oh, I’m back in a monogamous relationship with my B.O.B. I’m not stupid; I can’t swear off sex completely.”

  “Well, in that case…………..”Danielle laughed, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me into her dressing room. “Happy birthday!”

  “My birthday isn’t for another couple months.” I laughed, taking the long weird shaped present from her.

  “True, but if I waited any longer it’s more than likely to end up lost.” Danielle shrugged, giving me a wicked smile.

  “Should I be scared, because to tell you the truth……………..I am.”

  “Come on; you know me.” she giggled, leaning back on a work table.

  Carefully, I peeled back one of the wrapped corners, cautious to what could possibly be in there. Danielle was a wild woman, letting nothing stand in her way of fun and entertainment. I could only image what could possibly be in this box.

  “Just open it already, you pansy.”

  Tearing the rest of the paper off the cardboard box, I lifted the lid carefully.

  “I thought we could send it to Stephanie and have her give it to Reid.”

  My mouth dropped in shock and horror. There was no way this would be placed in Reid’s hands, absolutely not. Inside the box was a make your own dildo kit and a gazillion double A batteries.

  “You have got to be kidding,” I stumbled, still unsure of what to say.

  “If you can’t have the real thing then this is the second best. Besides, Costco sells batteries by the fuck load. I’m sure it will hold you over for most of the tour.” Danielle smirked, wiggling her eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

  There was no way I was going to send this to Steph and ask her to give it to Reid. Hi Reid, Molly wanted me to give this to you so she can make a copy of your dick. Would you hurry please, I need to send it back to her A.S.A.P. She really has been in a dry spell since leaving you.

  “You are absolutely insane! There is no way I’m sending this to Reid!”

  “Want me to do it? I doubt he would even realize it was for you,” she questioned innocently.

  Smashing the lid back on the box, I shake my head and let out a soft chuckle. Leave it to my friends to think I need to clone Reid’s dick. Having his appendage would not help me get over the fact of him being gone quite the opposite actually.

  “Well, let me know. I have no problems asking him to do me the favor, if
you know what I mean.” Danielle laughed, pushing herself off the desk and heading over to one of the racks in the room.

  “My friends are nuts,” I muttered softly, tucking the box under my arm and exiting the dressing room. Yes, I missed sex with Reid, but more importantly I missed the messed up connection we had with each other. I craved the back and forth pull we had, the guessing games I had to play, and the compassion he showed when I needed it the most. My entire body missed being around that man, and sadly, it was never going to happen again. Moving on sucks a big fat toe.

  Heading down the short hallway to find Megan, I noticed an already riled up Chance in the doorway.

  “Didn’t I send you guys back to the bus?” I yelled at the idiot.

  “Yeah, but the guys are playing on the Xbox and you know my ADD can’t handle sitting there for too long.” Chance smirked.

  “Well, don’t get into anything. Better yet, how about you just go sit in the dressing room alone.”

  “What’s in the box there, Blondie?” Chance asked, grabbing the clone-a-dick from my arms.

  “Chance, don’t you dare open it,” I shrieked, grasping at the air as he whirled his body around to block my advances.

  “Shit! Seriously, now I’ve got to look.” He laughed, popping the top of the lid. “Why Miss Molly, I didn’t know you wanted a copy of my dick. I am still willing to hand over the real deal for you anytime you want it.”

  “You jackass; give me that,” I demanded, reaching around his wide body.

  “To tell you the truth, I don’t know if the mold would be long enough for my cock, though.” He laughed, handing the box back to me.

  “Oh stuff it, Ron Jeremy,” I muttered, smashing the lid closed and narrowing my eyes at the man. Chance had only one switch, off or on. And when turned on the only appendage that he was allowed to think with was his penis. How women found him attractive I’d never know.