Cheap & Classy (Hide Your Crazy)

by Hardenbrook, T. A.

  “I apologize for the slight overlook on our part at keeping this a wholesome family event, officers. Let me just go talk with him and I’m sure it can be resolved quickly,” I pleaded, silently killing the penis off in my head five million and one times. Of all the stupid things that have gone wrong today, I get law enforcement being called to the venue for an oversized dick.

  “There are children that drive by this location with their parents and it is not okay for a costume like that to be paraded out in public,” the officer scolded, giving me the trademark death look I’d witnessed several times as a teenager.

  “I completely agree with you; just let me take care of the situation right now,” I exclaimed, taking a quick step over to our personal security. The shorter officer caught my elbow and yanked me back gently.

  “Ma’am, if this cannot get resolved quickly, then we will be forced to shut the concert down.”

  “Well, then I guess you should let go of my elbow and let me sort it out then,” I snapped, giving the man a tight smile while yanking my arm out of his grasp. Quickly, I mentioned to one of our security guards that the man had to go. “I don’t care where he goes; just make the costume disappear off the street please.” I turned back around to the officers and that’s when the shouting began.

  “Fuck this shit; I can wear whatever I want. This is mother fucking America. Freedom to the people!” The giant penis shouted, putting on a show for everyone still in line.

  My eyes grew fifty times larger than normal as I watched one of the officers lean over to his shoulder and radio something in. “Slight problem, but my security should be handling it quickly,” I rambled, trying to convince the officers with my fake smile that everything was under control. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a fist flying through the air, and a large penis being brought to the ground.

  “Son-of-a-bitch,” I moaned, looking over at the officers rushing over to take charge of the scuffle.

  “Officers requesting back up,” was all I heard while closing my eyes. Perfect example on why Monday’s should never be allowed to exist. Stupid men and their damn attraction to having the bigger cocks.

  Ten minutes later, several more police officers, a handful of event security, one giant penis, and two of our own workers in handcuffs, the incident outside ended.

  “Megan, get the guys inside now,” I demanded. I couldn’t afford for the damn press to get any pictures of the band out in the midst of this freak show. Megan quickly nodded her head and set out to herd the guys back inside the concert hall. Walking back over to the barricades, I was instantly stopped by a hand preventing me from coming any closer.

  “Ma’am, you need to stay back,” another officer warned.

  “Those are my guys you have in cuffs; they were only acting on the request of getting the large male appendage out of the public’s view.”

  “We are trying to do our job, Ma’am. Please go back to the tent area and we will find you if needed.”

  “You are not arresting my guys for something the officers asked me to correct. They didn’t throw the first punch! Hell, all they did was take the idiot to the ground, then your ‘officers’ brought them down as well,” I sneered, bringing my hands up to emphasize quotation marks around the word officers.

  “Sergeant Anderson, we have a situation over here,” the younger cop shouted over the commotion.

  “Perfect; give me someone I can actually talk to.” I hated dealing with people that couldn’t immediately solve the problem for me. Screw the chain of command; give me the head haunch-o in the beginning. My anger was growing with the second for the stupid little outburst. Glaring at the younger cop standing close to me, I scanned over and watched as my guys were ripped off the ground unjustly.

  “You can’t fucking arrest them! They did absolutely nothing wrong,” I screamed at the cops, storming past the officer to my guys. “This is absurd! Who in the hell do I need to talk to around here?”

  “Ma’am, please calm down,” one of the cops mentioned to me, blocking my way as they deposited my two security officers into waiting cruisers.

  “Get out of my way, damn it.” I roared, attempting to push my way around the officer.

  “You are under arrest,” was all I heard as my arms were yanked behind my back and I was forced to me knees. Seriously? I really needed to keep my mouth shut before I went barking up the wrong damn tree. Fuck.

  Chapter 9

  What is grey and white, and extremely pissed off? Me sitting in a damn jail cell, that’s what.

  Keeping my mouth shut was apparently too hard of a thing for my mind to wrap itself around. Once again, I didn’t think before my verbal vomiting episode. It wouldn’t have been a bad thing, had it not been law enforcement that was at the receiving end of my mishap. But, then again, I’m pretty much guaranteed for something epic to go wrong every day. Normally it didn’t result in being arrested, so I could chalk that up to new experiences

  “Hey, do you have a smoke?” a rather intoxicated woman asked from across the holding cell. Being in general population was kind of like staying at a one star hotel. Being a little unsure of where I should sit, since it smelled like urine and vomit, and the floor resembled the nastiest of biker bars, I hovered on the edge of the steel grey, hard as fuck, cold bench. Keeping my arms tucked tightly under my breasts, I held a firm posture; trying hard not to come into contact with anything.

  “Yeah, since they empty your pockets and pat you down before tossing us in this hell hole, the answer is going to be no,” I jabbed, clenching my teeth tightly.

  “You don’t have to be such a bitch.”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I offered the chick an insincere smile and went back to pouting. I knew Megan would be working on my release, and since I technically didn’t assault anyone, it shouldn’t take too long before they bounced my ass from the slammer. Who would have known that talking to the police in the manner I did would get you arrested? I knew I should have kept my mouth shut, but I just couldn’t seem to manage it.

  “Molly Anne McGlenister?” a female officer called from the open steel door.

  “Yes,” I hissed, taking a quick glance around at the poor souls still locked in this dungeon. Smiling at the officer, I carefully stepped over a woman crashed out on the floor and mentally reminded myself to pour acid over any part of my exposed skin when I got home. Gross.

  “Please have a seat over there,” the officer directed me to a row of plastic chairs against the far wall. Nodding silently, I proceeded to take the end chair again, this time allowing myself to relax as I sat down. At least the appearance out here seemed cleaner than those cells. Someone really should report that rat infested prison to the health department; it couldn’t be sanitary or up to code. The large room bustled with activity as people shuffled about. People being hauled in, some being transferred, and even a couple officers taking a midafternoon snack break. “Doughnuts.” I chuckled; kind of ironic. My stomach started to growl as I watched another officer reach into the box and pull out a chocolate sprinkled one. Groaning, I realized that my cup of oatmeal for breakfast just didn’t cut it. Maybe that was the cause of my sudden outburst earlier. Tired, hungry, and now cranky, I just couldn’t seem to catch a break today.

  The three of us walked out of the building, laughing at the day’s events. Luckily, all the charges were dropped with the skill of the amazing legal team at NP Management. Now I could cross getting arrested off my bucket list. Not that I really had one, but maybe I should. These last couple months had been interesting to say the least.

  “I can’t believe you started shouting at the cop, Molly,” Sully, one of the security guards, laughed, shaking his head at my stupidity.

  “Well, they shouldn’t have had you in cuffs.”

  “True, but it was all sorts of comedy when this short, tiny little blonde thing started flailing her arms in the air and yelling profanities at men in uniform.”

  “What can I say? Respecting authority had never been
my specialty.” I shrugged, pulling my cell phone out of the plastic bag with the remainder of my belongings. Flipping my phone on, I searched for a taxi company number, letting the seriousness of today’s events finally soak into my mind. There was never enough time in the day to accomplish everything that was required of me. How Stephanie did this day in and out, and having several bands at a time was a mystery that even Scooby’s gang couldn’t solve. All I had to do was play peacekeeper between the opening little punk band and PD, get the boys from point A to point B, herd the cattle every night of the show, and ultimately make sure no one got arrested in the down time. So why in the hell was I having such a hard time keeping up? Political Downfall was drowning me in almost a literal sense. So riddle me this Batman; where in the hell was my lifeguard?

  The concert had already begun once we got back to the venue. After several cat calls, a couple high fives, and a few jokes later, I was finally backstage looking for Megan. Thank god she didn’t get involved with today’s little stunt. Someone had to be responsible and do the actual job we were getting paid to do.

  “Hey there’s our little hooligan,” Brantley called out from down the hallway. Several people around him started clapping as I wandered toward them.

  Rolling my eyes to the comment, I faked a slight curtsey, and tried not to crack a smile. Sure, these boys could drive me absolutely insane. Have me questioning all my morals and inner judgment. But at the same time, this was my new dysfunctional family. Drowning or not, I could at least try and tread water. “Yep, I’m a real Bonnie. Just looking for my Clyde.”

  “Well, I had been your Clyde for a while. I’m sure I could fill the vacancy again,” Brantley leaned in and whispered in my ear.

  “You are such a prick,” I commented, shaking my head at his stupid remark. “Do you know where Megan is?”

  “Last time we seen her she was heading backstage with the opening act,” a roadie remarked.

  “Thanks,” I replied, flashing a smile in his direction.

  “Wait, no details on your time in the slammer? Did you become somebody’s bitch? Or better yet, did you take someone on as your bitch?”

  “Fuck off, Brantley.” Flipping the idiot off, I turned to head back down the hall again. “Tell the guys to finish getting ready for me, please?”

  “What, am I your secretary now?”

  “Well, I thought you were my bitch?” I couldn’t resist a smart-ass grin. Flipping him shit right back was my lifesaver, and I refused to go down without it.

  The crowd tonight was absolutely electric. The sheer energy in the room could have lit up the Empire State building ten times over. I honestly forgot how big these guys were getting, but when you could hear the crowd sing back every single word of every single song, you realized the tour you were on would be remembered forever. I was witnessing something amazing as I stood out in the wings, watching the guys tear up the stage.

  “You doing okay?” Megan asked, leaning in closer to bump shoulders together.

  “Yep, just a seriously long ass day.” I let out a deep sigh and laid my head on her shoulder.

  “Want to get drunk tonight? Maybe get arrested for public intoxication?”

  I snorted and shook my head. “I’m game for the alcohol, but I’ve already filled my quota on getting arrested this year.”

  “Gosh, you’re not fun.” Megan giggled, breaking the connection between our bodies.

  “Yep, regular ol’ kill joy,” I muttered, instantly being drawn back into the guys on stage. Music was still the portal to my soul. It wrapped around the very core of me, and transported me into a happier time. Even with all the crap that surrounded my life, all the drama with the bands, and my pathetic love life, music was always going to be there.

  “They sound great tonight.”

  “Yes, Megan, they really do.”

  It amazed me that the guys were awake, chomping at the bit Wednesday morning for their little motocross excursion, yet any other time on this tour it took everything but lighting a fire under their asses to get them moving. You dangle a day off from the tour, add a little extreme sports action, and possibly some girls in daisy duke shorts screaming for them at the track, and they were like a kid at Disneyland. Now I just had to figure out how to capitalize on their jollies and have every morning for the rest of our tour like this. It would easily cut down on our coffee bill, considering I only had to have three cups before I was able to smile and not scowl at the idiots.

  “So we have like the entire day then?” Eric questioned, his eyes sparkling like Christmas morning.

  “Kind of. Technically, you guys have seven hours of gasoline, dirt, and dirty girl fun.”

  “Molly, if you keep talking like that I’m gonna have to go rub one out real quick,” Chance moaned, dropping his head to the back of the couch.

  “Gross, and make sure you wash your hands please.” Shuddering at the thought of Chance jerking off in the bathroom, I turned back to the stack of files on the counter. I had to prep for the next couple venues, call hotels, and confirm with radio stations before we headed down the Californian highway tonight. There would be no having fun for Miss Molly this afternoon; not that I ever would get on a damn bike with any of these wackos anyhow.

  “This is going to be sick,” Jeremy shouted, slamming his hands eagerly on the top of his thighs.

  “Alright gentleman,” I piped up, setting my files back down.

  “Look, guys, we graduated from kids to gentleman.” Brantley laughed, letting that lopsided grin catch my attention. If I wasn’t already screwed up by the kind of douches like him, I’m sure that grin would have dropped my panties all over again.

  “You guys are dumb. Anyhow, I need you all to seriously be careful. Like full on gear and helmets today. We can’t afford for any of you to get injured and for any of this tour to get postponed. We need to ride the current success you all have on radio, and dealing with broken bones and possible concussions would put a serious damper on our plan of attack.”

  “Yes, Mother,” the guys replied almost instantaneously, turning my scowl to a little smirk.

  “I’m serious, boys.”

  “Don’t worry, Molly, we will be real boy scouts.” Chance grinned.

  “I’m having a real hard time believing you were ever a scout, Chance.” I rolled my eyes at the idiot, and reached over to grab my phone.

  Chance laughed, and knocked knuckles with Eric sitting next to him. Yep, that basically confirmed that man had no idea what being a boy scout was about. In all seriousness, neither did I; but I highly doubted it meant playing rock music, getting high, and banging girls. Boy Scouts were wholesome, and the guys on this tour closer resembled sewer rats, scrounging for any tasty morsels left on the ground.

  “I would totally fuck a girl in one of those slutty Girl Scout costumes,” Eric muttered.

  “Hey, Molly, would you let us eat your cookies?”

  “Seriously, you all need mental help,” I groaned, shaking my head and walking to the back of the bus to make my first call without the guys and porn playing in the background. One of these days they might grow up ……………………. or maybe not.

  Chapter 10

  Snatch= Girl with sand in her crotch.

  “You are absolutely insane if you think I’m getting on one of those contraptions. You really think with my luck I should just hop on, gas the throttle, and hit a jump?”

  “Well, I doubt you know the difference between the gas verses the brake. So, how about we take it slow?” Brantley said smoothly, wiggling his eyebrows in his typical suggestive manner.

  Letting out a little snort, I shook my head for just entertaining the thought of taking him up on that offer. Everything about riding a bike screamed irresponsible. So why in the hell was my mind telling me to go for it? This just shrieked broken bones, stitches, and bruises that would last forever. Not to mention the blow to my ego when I sucked balls at it; which was a given, considering I could barely ride a damn bicycle.

 
“Stop thinking and just grab the damn helmet, Molly.” Brantley stretched his arm out again, offering the shiny black brain protector for me.

  “I need to go on record that this is insanely stupid,” I warned, narrowing my eyes at him while snatching it from his hands. Brantley let out a low chuckle as I stuffed my blonde head into the hole.

  “Looks good on you Miss Molly.”

  “I’m going to regret this,” I muttered while reaching for the goggles that rested above the visor. Nothing like making a stupid choice; my life seemed to be full of them.

  It was a perfectly crystal clear day. The sun was shining, the temperature flawless, and not a single cloud in sight. It would have been the best afternoon in the world. However, the sound of bikes, dirt down my pants, and the gigantic bruise I knew was forming on my ass seemed to ruin the whole serene like moment.

  “Did you forget which one was the brake?” Brantley laughed, slipping his helmet off his sweat drenched head.

  “Fuck off,” I grumbled, refusing to move from my epic crash and burn moment. I really thought I had a handle on the whole gas versus brake situation, and going turtle speed was no longer appealing. So getting cocky with that 80cc bike of doom was not one of my finer moments in judgment. What I failed in judgment was rearing its ugly head on my throbbing ass.

  “Nice crash,” a muffled voice came from behind a dark full helmet. My heart started to race as my mind spun crazy circles. My ears automatically knew who was behind that helmet; my heart immediately started to hurt at the thought of us being so close in proximity. I could have possibly been turning blue, because I knew the moment his voice hit my ears I had stopped breathing. Someone just needed to haul my cocky, idiotic, stupid ass off the damn track now before I made a bigger fool of myself when my mouth decided to open.