How To Tame Beasts And Other Wild Things

by A. Wilding Wells

  I stoop next to the boys. “What’s your name, sweet pea?” I ask the one who’s squeezing the snot out of his penis. The other little charmer jumps in for him with his wet mouth seconds from mine and points out that he is Jinx and the other boy is Jax.

  “Jinx has the different-colored eyes,” Balthazar says. I spin and find him kneeling as he scratches the belly of a stretched-out, portly Basset Hound. Jax takes my hand and leads me to the dog for what I’m assuming will be an introduction.

  “Dis Bonerz!” Jax announces, pointing to the dog while continuing to yank on his little penis, which is now a miniature stiffy.

  I’m lost as to where my eyes should go. Is this normal? Three-year-olds get boners? Wait… What? Did he say that the dog’s name was Bonerz?

  “Um, Bonerz?” I giggle, covering my mouth.

  “Bones,” Balthazar says, “which has become Boner. Yes.”

  All right, then. “And you have a cow named Cocks? I’m assuming that’s who Duke was talking about—your cow?” I stifle my laugh as I glimpse up to his eye, then at the one covered with a black patch. So serious. Grrr.

  “Socks. The boys call her Cocks. They’re working on certain letters: R’s, S’s, T’s, and a handful of others. They’re just three.”

  “Also seems that one of them is working on something else?” I glance over at Jinx, who’s sitting out of view from Balthazar. Pooping on the kitchen floor.

  Balthazar stands and takes two strides to reach Jinx. “Oh, that’s hunky-dory.” He chuckles.

  After grabbing the paper towels off the counter, I open the door under the sink, hoping I’ll find some kind of cleaning spray. “Organic? Very nice, beastly.” I grab the rosemary cleaning spray.

  He picks Jinx up off the floor and whispers something in his ear that makes him giggle. It also makes my heart skip.

  “Thanks for, uh…” He nods and grins at the hefty pile of poop I’m attacking.

  “No problem. I’m here to help.”

  As I wash my hands, the kids scream in laughter then yell, “Mamama!” I twist around to see what the fuss is all about. Unsurprisingly, Aesop has managed to make himself a little too comfortable in the kitchen.

  “Whoopsie.” I cringe, then grab the paper towels and spray.

  “We have a barn for it…Aesop.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll potty-train him,” I say over my shoulder while marching out the screen door.

  “Impossible.” He chuckles while following me.

  “You train yours, I’ll train mine. We’ll see who wins.”

  “You’re on, Muffin.” He nods, and for the first time, a genuine smile slides across his face. I know that it’s the real deal because his one eye joins in on the momentary joy. Momentary.

  3

  Matilda

  You heard me before, yet you hear me again,

  Then I die, ’till you call me again.

  An echo

  My knees twinge in recollection of our summers as I saunter up the slippery farmhouse staircase after lunch. How many times have I flown down these stairs over the years? I recall stitches on my forehead, skinned shinbones, and one broken finger—not to mention my bruised ego. My clumsiness might have been some of the only notice I’d received from my family.

  Was I graceless to gain their attention? I have never considered that.

  My room—one appointed by Balthazar—was our guest room when I was a kid. My bags and sewing machine are already in here, next to the perfectly made, quilt-covered bed. I unpack my things, then take a long cool shower to rid myself of the sticky sweat I’ve worn all day.

  While I throw a fresh top and skirt on, I become aware of the silence in the house. Deciding to nose around, I walk through the rooms, peeking in closets and snatching up old books as I go. The only closed door I come to is the master bedroom. Knocking lightly, to receive no answer, I open it for a peek and clutch a hand to my heart.

  The light-filled room—still the baby blue it was ten years ago—is now in much need of a makeover. Peeling paint, linen curtains, and the same landscape paintings decorate the walls. The floor is covered with wall-to-wall mattresses, which makes me smile. It’s the sort of oddball thing I might do. In the center of the room lies a pile of boys. Balthazar is shirtless and on his side, black briefs sneak out at the carve of muscle on his hip. He sure is something to look at. I imagine it would be nice to run my hands through his blackish-russet waves and down his scruffy, angular jaw. In his hand is an open book—Aesop’s Fables, my childhood copy. Edging closer as I nibble my thumbnail, I study his arms, with their intricate tattoos and muscles, which seem hard even as he sleeps. What a sight.

  The boys—now both diaper-clad—lie next to him. I can almost smell the sweet oozing from their sweaty, flushed bodies as their red curls stick to their faces.

  I’m not sure how long I stare at the swoon-worthy view of them.

  Long enough that I wonder how Lavinia could have abandoned them. Did those baby boys take the stage away from her? “There’s a reason stars shine from above,” she used to say when she’d lock me in my room, the chicken coop, or anywhere she could hide me away from her stage, which was all of her life. It was one of the only riddles I could never solve. She and my parents were the others. Why did they all hate me?

  Long enough that I’ve twisted a button off my skirt that pings across the floor landing inside the bedroom.

  Long enough that my face is wet with tears for all kinds of reasons, some of which I’m not even sure.

  Long enough that Balthazar opens his one eye and finds me gawking like a tourist.

  “Bugger off.” He growls quietly. “Getting some winks.”

  I jump back, startled. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…” I shut the door too hard. A slam. The boys cry a second later. Shit.

  “Flaming hell... Nimwit,” he mutters.

  “What an hmmpf! Screw you!” I whisper shout. Jerk.

  I stomp down the stairs careful not to trip, then after looking in the barren fridge and digging through the pantry, which is nearly cobwebbed over, I make a grocery run. Heading back to the farm, weighed down by a heap of options that would please any band of boys, I smile. I’ll show him. Beastly brit.

  As the house fills with the comforting smell of dinner baking, I busy myself. Where are the toys? I’ve yet to see one. I open closets, look in drawers, peek under the couch, but I find nothing toy-like. The thrift store—yes. They’ll have toys. I’ll hit it in the morning for a few things, I think as I head back into the kitchen to turn the oven timer off before it wakes the kids. Rounding the corner from the den, I ram into Balthazar’s hard, sweaty, and naked chest. My stomach flutters as he grabs my biceps and holds me against his body.

  “Christ, you’re a noisy thing,” he grumbles, as his eye rakes me.

  I back up one step, peeling my breasts off him as my breath hitches.

  “I’ve got toddlers. Can you manage to be quiet for any length of time?” He clomps to the oven then slams his hand against the timer.

  My heart beats in triple time. “I’m amazed you know how to do that.” With my body on fire, I sashay toward him, then kneel and nudge my shoulder against his rock-hard thigh to open a few drawers, in search of potholders. He steps aside as I grab a pair of stained mitts to remove the mac-n-cheese from the oven.

  “I’ve managed just fine without a woman around. This was not my idea.” He crosses his arms over his body, drawing my eyes to his belted abs, then down farther to the outline of the obvious bulge in his jeans. “I can take care of my family. Your father’s bullshit idea is not anything I’m overly keen about.”

  “Yeah, Julia Child. I can tell you’re doing just great.” Biting the twist on my lips, I open the now-stuffed fridge to toss the leftover cheese into the drawer. I slam it shut then waltz to the pantry and curtsy halfway in. “Oh, and for the record, I put the boys’ massive amount of toys into bins and cleaned up down here.”

  Midguzzle on a bottle of water, he asks, “W
hat’re you talking about?”

  “Exactly. Do they have any toys at all?”

  “That’s not your business.” Those words were a growl. He also showed teeth. “Nothing here is. You’re not their mother. You’re not anything.”

  “I’m their aunt!” I snarl as I poke one finger against his bare chest, refusing to be invisible on my own turf. “I’m also here until I get you a nanny-wife, which is going to be impossible to do, considering what a…wanker...you are! Would you prefer dick? I like dick!”

  “I’ll bet you do. Now listen, muffin,” he says, walking inches from me. I hate that my heart is racing the way it is.

  “You stay out of my way, I’ll stay out of yours. I already have a regular sitter anyway. Don’t need you.”

  “I’m sure she’s lovely,” I say as I take a glass from the shelf and fill it with water, making it seem like I’m busy.

  “He is. He’ll be here any minute. I’ve got some field work to get to.”

  I head out the screen door, and I don’t look back. But I do flinch as it slams.

  “Dammit!” he yells as the twins cry.

  On the porch, I take a breath, needing to be away from his presence. Not an easy thing to do, I’m realizing, as an old Bronco comes up the hill.

  “Alfie is your babysitter?” A laugh breaks from my lips.

  “Yeah. Know him?”

  I glance over my shoulder to see him looking out the screen door past me as I jump off the porch and skip over to Alfie’s car.

  “I do. Very well.” So you can just fuck off…

  Alfie hops out of his car and runs open-armed to me. “Oh my god! I heard. Got here as fast as I could!” he says in rapid fire with an eager smile. “Duke called and told me! You haven’t changed a bit, Hollywood!” He grabs my hand and twirls me around. “Or Paris…or Rome… What do I even call you? Eva! Now that you’ve come home to Green Acres to roost!” His hands fly around with birdlike motions, which makes me laugh.

  “Wasn’t it Zsa Zsa?” I ask naïvely.

  The beast laughs behind me. I don’t gift him with anything. Not even an hmph.

  “Honey, why would you question a gay man as to who’s who of the Gabor sisters?” Alfie says, dragging me into the house by my arm. He allows the screen door to land on his toe.

  Balthazar smirks when I make note of it. Cocky beast. I swear.

  “Oh, no, you di-ent! Mac-n-cheese?” Alfie squeals, bending over to sniff the casserole on the countertop. “Tell me, if I open that fridge, I’ll find a pie? Tell me it’s banana cream. I might switch teams for you if it is!” He sashays to the fridge.

  I gloat and fan my face with a newspaper, knowing what he’s about to see. That’s right, Mr. We Don’t Need You.

  “Balthazar,” Alfie says as seriously as a funeral. “You have no idea what this woman is capable of. She’s Martha Stewart meets Doctor Doolittle.”

  I stand tall and enjoy a momentary triumph.

  Alfie drags a spoon along the pie’s edge then waves it in front of Balthazar’s face and forces it into his mouth.

  I nibble my pinkie knuckle as he swallows it down, waiting for a response along the lines of, “Brilliant pie, love!” But he curls his lips and wrinkles his nose instead then stalks toward the screen door. He shoves his feet into work boots, his ass squarely facing us, as Alfie and I both stare. Then he throws on a T-shirt he yanked from a wall hook along with a baseball cap. He heads out the door without a sound.

  “What a charmer.” I sink into a kitchen chair.

  “Believe it or not, he can be.” Alfie winks, then hums the Green Acres song, which makes me wonder what I’m missing.

  “You’re the enemy,” he says softly. “You’re on the wrong side.”

  The wrong side? Isn’t that always the case for me when it comes to people? The only time I’m brighter than bright is when I’m with animals. They see me as unconditionally loveable. I see them the same way.

  Since Alfie has the boys and the beast is clear I’m unwanted, I swing by the local animal shelter where I worked during my summers here. I laugh seeing Duke’s truck and my friend Tully’s motorcycle in the lot, some things never do change.

  Tully and I became fast friends as teenagers, our lives were polar opposites in some ways and identical in others. “Hey, Tulls. Damn girl, look at you!” Tully strolls over to me holding two kittens in her tattoo-wrapped arms.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Her wide-set charcoal-rimmed eyes and storm-blue hair remains unchanged as she smiles with satisfaction. “Looking for a stray to drag back to Paris?”

  “Maybe to the farm,” I say as we embrace and I snatch one of the kittens from her.

  “You’re here?” Her mouth drops open and she fist bumps the air. “What, for the summer?”

  “For a year. Dad has me on an assignment.”

  Tully slinks onto a couch and pats the cushion next to her, waving me over. “How is the commander?”

  “The same.” I snarl. “Still an ass. I’m here for a year to catch Lavinia’s widower a wife. You know anyone that would want to marry a beastly brit?”

  “I’ve seen him at Nell’s. The dude is hot as fuck.”

  “He’s hard to miss. You want him?”

  “I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed, but I’m still sweet on Rowdy.”

  “Still? Has anything happened with you two?”

  “His last girlfriend Biffy or Buffy whatever looked like the love child of Izod and Tory Burch. I’m not his type.”

  “You mean the awesome-as-fuck type.”

  “Yeah, that,” she says, and blows me a kiss.

  I lay the kitten I’m holding onto my shoulder and wander into the kennel. Tully follows as I ask, “So, you need any dog beds sewn up? I’ll have time, plus I could volunteer if you want.”

  “I’ll take both and I’ll trade you a preggers mama cat for your good deeds as long as you get her fixed post birth.” She whistles twice, then a fat pretty calico jumps off a carpet-covered cube and wanders over. “Matilda, meet Clive.”

  “Clive?” I scratch the cat’s head as she rubs against my leg. “Deal, you know I love me some kitties. I’m sure the beast will be overjoyed.”

  “He looks like he could use some pussy.” She waggles her eyebrows as we both crack up.

  On my way back to the farm, I decide to put some riddle love into play. Let’s see what this guy is made of, see if he’s got more in him than beast and muscle. While Alfie plays downstairs with the boys, I roll a handwritten riddle into a scroll then place it in a box. I wonder if he’ll figure the riddle out. I wonder if he knows how to flirt. Why do I care? I wonder how hardened his heart must be, how much anger he must have inside him over Lavinia and how she screwed him over? I open his bedroom door, knowing he’s outside, then tiptoe in and place the box on the center mattress.

  A mile from end to end, yet as close to as a friend. A precious commodity, freely given. Seen on the dead and on the living. Found on the rich, poor, short and tall, but shared among children most of all.

  What is it?

  The next morning, I climb out of bed to a quiet house. How could I wake up before toddlers? Then I realize maybe three-year-olds need, like, twenty hours of sleep. Hell, I don’t know. I need to order a book about these elusive creatures. Maybe I’ll also order one about beast taming.

  As water boils for tea, I open the fridge in search of cream. I catch my breath and smile wide. Maybe a butterfly or three are scooting around in my belly as well. On the nearly empty wrapped pan of macaroni and cheese is a taped-on note with one word. A smile. On the nearly empty wrapped pie is a smiley face.

  “Oh, wow,” I mutter. He answered me and ate the food I made.

  Beasts like good food and riddles. Okay, then! A smile. Yes, beastly, that was the answer. And I do just that. Again.

  4

  Balthazar

  An iron horse with a flaxen tail.

  The faster the horse runs,

  the shorter his tail becom
es.

  What is it?

  A needle and thread.

  Matilda is hanging laundry on the line out front. Knickers? Fuck. She’s hanging her lacy knickers on the line? What am I going to do with her? No doubt, she’s one of those girls who can take what she wants from life. She’s genuine and raw. Her unfinished qualities make her curiously unique. She could strip you down, rob a bank, steal anything with that wonder-filled smile. Is it that I haven’t been around a woman in a few years, or is it her?

  The sun is blazing as the boys and I head to the feed mill. After ordering our supplies, we walk from the mill to Grandma Nell’s kitchen for breakfast. Nell’s is one of those comfort-food diners that fills me and my boys up well and for cheap. The boys slide off their cherry-red stools at the counter every ten seconds or so until Nell spots us.

  “I hear you have company out at the farm,” she says, wiping her hands on her apron.

  That makes me think about how Matilda had an apron on when she ran into me while trying to get to the oven dinger yesterday. Her full breasts pushed against my chest as I scolded her. I haven’t had a woman pressed against my body in over two years. Matilda, Lord help me. I’d held her there as long as I could, looking down into her abundant cleavage. Then I forced myself to walk the other way so she wouldn’t see my raging hard-on.

  “Yup. Matilda Pearl.” Why is it I sense a silver lining around her?

  “Honey, we know.” She smirks. “All of us know.”

  “Oh, right.” I chuckle. Of course they know. I’m a widower, and that makes me fodder for this town and its gossipy women.

  “The sister.” She purses her lips and nods. “Known that family forever. She was always the shy one. The ugly duckling that blossomed, as I recall, into a swan. Not that her folks ever took note. They were too busy hobnobbing with all of those jet-setter-weekend types from Chicago. I’ll bet you see her though. Her eyes were some pretty color that seems impossible for anyone to be lucky enough to get, what was it again?”