When We Were Human

by Kate L. Mary

  “Why?” she whispers.

  Her eyes don’t stop moving over my arm, and I can’t stop from squirming under her gaze. Which just hurts.

  “I don’t know.”

  Lilly’s brows pull together, and that look is back on her face. Like I’m a stranger and she doesn’t know what to say to me. I feel like a stranger to myself, only I’m not sure which person doesn’t fit. The me who makes out with Walker and dreams of a better future, or the me who skins invaders and mutilates her own body.

  Only time will tell, I guess.

  “What happened to the creepers?” I ask, wanting the attention off me.

  “They took off when Walker and I came running out of the house,” Lilly says, still staring at the notches on my arms. “We weren’t even armed, so I’m not sure why they ran. Maybe we just startled them.”

  “Maybe they thought I was alone and an easy target,” I say.

  “Maybe they knew who you were and they wanted to get revenge,” Walker says from across the room.

  I start to shake my head, then stop. No. That can’t be right. How would they know?

  Although…they do communicate with their minds. Is it possible the creepers I killed transmitted some kind of warning to the others stranded on this planet? Is that why they’ve suddenly banded together? Because of me?

  I almost laugh at the thought. It’s stupid. “Don’t be ridiculous.” I’m not sure if I’m saying it to Walker or myself.

  “Whatever.” Walker lets out a big sigh, then shakes his head. “I need to pee.”

  He stomps toward the door, and Lilly calls after him, “Take a knife!”

  “Got it!” he replies right before he disappears.

  Lilly takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. “When we ran out there and I saw that thing standing over you, I thought you were dead. You scared me to death, Eva.”

  Guilt squeezes my insides, and I tighten my grip on Lilly’s hand. “I’m sorry, Lil. I thought I was protecting you. No matter what Walker says, I wasn’t trying to skin that thing. I just didn’t want it getting inside.”

  “I believe you. But promise me you won’t go outside without your knife again.”

  I snort, then cringe when the throbbing in my shoulder increases. “Deal.”

  Lilly’s eyes move to my shoulder, and she frowns. “It’s pretty swollen. It would be nice if we could ice it.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ll tell Walker to run on down to the Seven Eleven and grab a bag of ice.”

  Lilly rolls her eyes, but her frown morphs into a smile as well. “I didn’t think I’d hear sarcasm come out of your mouth ever again.”

  She’s right. I used to be such a smart-mouth. It was always getting me in trouble with Mom and Dad. But after the invasion everything was too dark and serious, and sarcasm just didn’t fit into this new world. It was a part of me that got lost.

  I’m not sure when I found it.

  “You’re filthy,” Lilly says.

  I look down over my body, and realize she’s right. My tank top and underwear are covered in brown patches, and my arms and legs are smeared with mud. I’d forgotten about the mud puddle the creeper threw me into.

  “Help me up.”

  I press my injured arm against my chest, then push off the floor with the one that isn’t hurt. Lilly does her best to help me into a sitting position without hurting me. The throbbing in my arm increases, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.

  “We should try to make you a sling,” Lilly says, her eyebrows furrowing in worry as she looks around the room.

  I hoist myself to my feet, still cradling my bad arm against my body. “Yeah. But first, help me get this mud off my arms and legs.”

  Lilly and I head to the flooded kitchen, where I lean against the counter while she digs through the cabinets. She finds an old, yellow plastic pitcher, then heads outside. I stay where I am, cradling my arm. I’m still leaning there when Walker comes back inside a few seconds after Lilly disappears. He doesn’t look my way.

  “Don’t leave her alone out there,” I say.

  Walker stays in the doorway, looking out. Somehow, I feel like he’s avoiding me more than he’s watching her. “I have an eye on her,” he says quietly.

  “I meant what I said, you know. I wasn’t trying to skin the thing or be a warrior princess or whatever you called me.”

  The corner of his mouth turns up, and he lets out a little snort. His blue eyes move my way for a second before going back to watch Lilly. “You kind of are, though.”

  “So you’re done being mad at me?” I ask hopefully. With Walker, I sometimes feel like I take one step forward just to get thrown two steps back. I want to keep moving forward, but I know most of that progress rests on my shoulders.

  “I wasn’t really mad.”

  He lets out a big sigh, then slumps against the doorframe, finally looking my way for more than a second. Even though I want to tell him to look at Lilly, I can’t seem to force out the words. His intense gaze makes every hair on my body tingle.

  “When I saw you laying on the ground with that slimy asshole over you, I thought that was it. Your face was so goddamn pale. I’ve never seen anything like it. I thought you were dead, Eva, and it scared the shit out of me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “It wasn’t your fault. I get it. You were trying to protect your sister.”

  “And you. I was trying to protect you too.”

  Walker smiles, and I return it, and for a few seconds we stand there like two sappy idiots just grinning at each other. If it wasn’t for my injured shoulder and the condemned house we’re standing in, the moment might actually be romantic.

  Before either one of us can say anything, Lilly comes back with a pitcher full of water. “Let’s get you cleaned up!”

  Walker pushes himself off the doorframe and turns away. “I’ll give you two some privacy.”

  “Don’t you let me catch you peeking!” Lilly calls after him.

  I raise an eyebrow when she turns my way, but she just shrugs. “Just trying to lighten the mood. Clear the air. Give you kids a push in the right direction. Play matchmaker. You know.”

  “You sound like Mom,” I mutter.

  She lets out a little laugh as she pours water over my arm. “She’d love him.”

  A smile curls up my lips as I stare at the door Walker just disappeared through. Lilly’s right. Mom would have adored Walker. He’s exactly the kind of guy I would have wanted to bring home, too.

  “I know.”

  Lilly kneels in front of me and gets to work cleaning the mud off my legs.

  “I miss her.” Her words are so quiet I can hardly hear them over the rain, but they ring through my head loud and clear.

  “So do I.”

  “I dug through the ashes for hours trying to find a picture. Something I could take with me so I could remember what they looked like. But there was nothing.” She blinks a few times, then sniffs. Then a smile curls up her lips. “I did find Dad’s bowling trophy, though.”

  A laugh shakes my body as tears spring to my own eyes. How can I laugh and cry at the same time? It doesn’t make sense.

  “He’d be happy to know it survived the apocalypse.”

  Lilly giggles. “And Mom would be so mad.”

  “How many times did they argue about that thing sitting on the mantel?”

  “Every time someone came over.” Lilly stands, holding the empty pitcher, and gives me a sad smile. “I almost took it, but the little man on top was so mangled you could hardly tell what it was. It made me sadder.”

  My heart constricts until I’m afraid the thing is going to implode. I take my sister’s free hand and give it a squeeze. “I’m sorry you had to do that alone.”

  “I’m not. I know that sounds crazy, but I think the last year made me a stronger person. If I’d been with you, I would have stayed a little kid because you would have protected me every chance you got. You would have shielded me when we saw anything bad,
hid me when we came across people. Taken on the brunt of the work. I had to make it on my own, and I’m proud of how well I did.” She shrugs. “It was lonely and hard, but now I know I’ll be able to survive anything that gets thrown at me.”

  I’m so baffled by the words coming out of my baby sister’s mouth that I can’t think of a single response. She’s right. I would never have put her in danger, and I would have done everything in my power to keep her alive and safe. I would have died for her—still will, if it comes to that. And she does seem stronger. Older, too. So much older than twelve.

  “Maybe it was good for us both,” I say.

  Lilly’s eyes move to my arms, and she shakes her head. “I don’t think it was good for you.”

  I fight the urge to cross my arms, but it occurs to me that I couldn’t hide my scars even if I tried. Not because the notches cover most of both arms, but because my wounds are visible in every move I make these days. Every word out of my mouth, every decision I make. It’s all tainted by whatever it was that compelled me to cut myself over and over again.

  “It was hard,” I say, trying to sound as strong as Lilly, “but I survived. I made you a promise.”

  “Then what is that about?” She tilts her head toward my arms.

  I look down at the scars and let out a deep sigh. “I just…needed a way to cope, I guess. I don’t know why I did it that first time, but there was something about the pain that helped ease an ache inside me. I didn’t feel as empty after I cut myself. It was like the pain seeped inside me and filled in all the holes. It never lasted, but for a little bit I felt stronger. More like a person.”

  Lilly runs her hand down the notches. “Do they mean something?”

  “One for every day I was without you.”

  Her head snaps up, and she takes a step back. “Eva…”

  I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I’m not sure I want to know. The shock in her blue eyes feels like a bolt of electricity.

  “It’s not that big of a deal.” This time, I do cross my arms. But even with my fingers spread out, I can’t cover them all. There are too many wounds, both inside and out, for me to hide them all.

  Lilly shakes her head very slowly. “Did you do this to yourself as a punishment?”

  Walker asked me the same question a few days ago, only I didn’t know what to say. Now I do, but I don’t want to admit it. Especially not to my sister. She should look at me and see someone strong and capable. Someone she can depend on. Not this. Not a girl who was so close to the edge that she resorted to torturing herself over things she couldn’t control.

  “No.” The lie comes out firm, and I almost believe it myself.

  Lilly blinks three times, then nods. Too bad she doesn’t believe it.

  28

  The rain pounds against the roof, a constant drumming that echoes through the room. The house slowly floods as the day moves on, but we’re safe in our little hiding place. Huddled around the fire to keep dry. The air is so muggy that the moisture feels like it’s become a part of me.

  Ben is passed out on the couch, but the rest of us are awake. He sleeps a lot, and I can’t help wondering if it’s his way of coping.

  “How long before this stops?” Lilly asks.

  It’s the first time she’s sounded like a little kid since we found her, and it’s strange how much I like that. I’m not sure if it’s because I want her to hold onto some of that innocence or because I want to convince myself I can still take care of her. With my arm injured and the confident way she carries herself, I was starting to doubt that.

  “Who knows?” Walker shrugs and leans against the wall.

  He’s right next to me, his right arm touching my left arm. The contact is intentional, and it sends a buzz through me that heats my cheeks as it brings to mind how it felt to have his lips on mine. When we get back to Hope, he and I are going to have to discuss whatever this is between us. There’s too much uncertainty in life to leave things unspoken.

  Lilly’s eyes move to me, and her mouth pulls down in the corners. She looks just like our mom when she makes that face, but for once it doesn’t hurt to remember. Being here with my sister makes the past seem less painful. It’s nice to have someone to help shoulder the burden.

  I was right to go with Walker and Tara.

  “Are you okay?” Lilly asks.

  “I’ll be fine. Hopefully tomorrow the rain will have let up enough for us to move on. I can walk with a bum arm. We’re lucky those bastards didn’t hurt my leg.” I pat my knee with my left hand and smile, trying to act like the throbbing in my shoulder isn’t constant. Without painkillers, it’s going to be rough getting comfortable enough to sleep.

  “We’ve been running into a lot of groups lately,” Walker says. “First there was the group right after we left Hope, then the one we hid from. Now this. It’s weird, considering I never saw them travel in more than pairs before, and even that wasn’t common.”

  “It’s just what Jed said.” I shrug, and immediately regret it when the throbbing in my shoulder turns into a burn. “They’re banding together. Maybe they’ve finally accepted that they’re stranded here for good. That no one is coming back for them.”

  “Or maybe someone is coming back for them and they’re getting ready for it.” Walker says it slowly, like he’s afraid of how we’re going to react.

  He’s right to be worried. Just thinking about those slimy beasts coming back makes my stomach clench. Lilly sucks in a deep breath and shakes her head. Whether or not she disagrees with Walker or she’s trying to convince herself it can’t be true is impossible to tell, but the fear is loud and clear in her blue eyes.

  “You think they’ll attack again?” my sister whispers.

  “I don’t know, but I do know we should be prepared. We have to figure out what the military did to defeat them the first time around.” Walker leans forward, and my arm is instantly cold from the loss of his touch. “You were with that soldier. What did he say?”

  “Nothing.” Lilly shakes her head and shrugs at the same time. “I never asked how they defeated the creepers, and he didn’t mention it.”

  Walker leans back, mumbling, “We need to find out.”

  I know he has a point, but at the moment, I can’t think about any of that. My shoulder throbs from just sitting still—even with the sling Lilly made out of an old bed sheet—and I’m sleepy from the rhythmic pounding of the rain. It’s getting late and we’re running low on canned goods, and with this storm, it isn’t like we’re going to be able to run out to hunt something. I’m just ready to be back at Hope.

  “We’ll figure it out,” I mumble, leaning over to rest my head on Walker’s shoulder.

  Lilly grins my way, and I don’t even try to fight back a smile.

  Walker shifts until he’s closer to me, and my head ends up fitting perfectly into the groove of his shoulder. His skin is warm, and even though his shoulder is bony, it’s nice and relaxing having him near me. I close my eyes and try to tune out the quiet whispers of Walker and my sister. He’s telling her about Hope even though we’ve already told her everything we know. Lilly can’t seem to stop asking questions. My body becomes light, and I start to drift off, lulled by their soft chatter, the crackling fire and the rhythmic snoring of Ben.

  A thump breaks through my dream world, and I jerk awake. My eyes fly open and I sit up, looking around. Walker and Lilly are totally silent, and the atmosphere in the room is thick with tension. Ben is awake, laying on the couch, and for once he doesn’t look emotionless. His brown eyes are big and round, and he’s staring at the door like he’s afraid someone is going to burst in at any moment.

  My heart is pounding wildly, but I’m not exactly sure what woke me.

  “What’s going on?” I whisper.

  Walker’s eyes meet mine, and everything in my body chills like it’s been covered in a layer of frost.

  Before he can say anything, more pounding follows. This time, I’m awake enough to realize they’re fo
otsteps. Voices immediately follow. Loud voices, yelling back and forth. Male voices.

  “Damn rain ain’t slowed yet!” someone yells. “Told you we should wait. Didn’t I tell you we should wait?”

  “Shut up,” another man growls. Just the sound of his voice sends shivers through my body. It’s Donnie.

  My gaze moves to Lilly, and my gut clenches. I can’t let him get his hands on my sister.

  I scramble to my feet, desperately looking around. There are only two windows, and I doubt we’d be able to get them open without making a lot of noise. Hiding might be an option, but there isn’t much in the room. The couch where Ben lies and the desk pushed up against the window are the only two big pieces of furniture. Otherwise, there are a couple end tables and an empty bookcase that’s missing all the shelves. I’m assuming someone used the shelves and the books for kindling years ago.

  That’s everything in the room. No other furniture, no closets. No secret escape hatch that will get my sister to safety. This is all there is between us and Donnie.

  The men continue to talk as they walk through the house. The sound of drawers and cabinets opening in the kitchen lets me know we have a little time, but it isn’t going to be long before they figure out there’s nothing useful and come looking for a dry room.

  I don’t realize I’m shaking until I turn to Walker. He hasn’t moved from his position on the floor, but just like me, he’s looking around the room. Trying to find an escape route. Only he has no idea how bad the situation is just yet. I glance toward Ben, but the kid’s placid expression makes it hard to tell whether or not he recognizes the voices.

  Footsteps move closer.

  “Shit,” I hiss, kneeling down beside Walker. His blue eyes snap toward me when I grab his hand. “It’s Donnie. I can’t let him get his hands on Lilly. Walker, you have to help me!”

  Walker’s eyebrows shoot up, and he doesn’t waste a second. He jumps to his feet and takes a step toward the window like he’s going to try to open it, but stops. He must think better of it, because a second later he’s hurrying toward the bookcase instead.