by King Ellie
“You were about to leave huh? You impatient fuck,” he teased.
That made me chuckle. I shook my head at him,
“you’re always runnin’ late that’s why.”
Tony shrugged.
“I had to convince my entire family to leave and go back home now. They all act like they don’t have lives.”
My eyebrows shot up,
“everyone’s here?”
Tony nodded.
“Yeah, we actually just paid Jude a visit so you might see an abundance of flowers there. We all love little dude a lot.”
This warmed my heart. I was glad Jude’s family went to see him.
“You’re all leaving today?” I asked.
“Yep. Everyone should be down already,” Tony stood. “Come and say bye to my parents. They miss you too Bubba.”
This made me smile. I missed them too. I didn’t ignore them, but I tried to avoid them as much as I could. I gulped the rest of my whiskey and as I stood, I dropped some money on the table leaving enough for a tip as well. When we got to the lobby, surely enough, my mother and father-in-law, Mr. and Mrs. Di’Maggio exited the elevator. Mrs. Di’Maggio was the first one to see me. Her sad face changed to a happy one,
“Bubba, my big baby,” she smiled as she walked towards me with open arms.
I walked right into them. I pulled her in for a bear hug knowing how much she loved them and couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on my face.
“Hi mama,” she’d scold me if I called her anything else. “I’ve missed you,” I admitted to her.
“I’ve missed you too.” She replied.
“Son.” Mr. Di’Maggio called out to me. “Haven’t seen you in a while, Bubba. We miss you around the house.”
I let Mrs. Di’Maggio go and went towards him.
“I missed you too, Papa,” I said with a smile on my face.
He smiled at me,
“let me take a good look at you, son, he said as he eyed me from the top of my head all the way down. “You know if you ever need a thing, you got us, right?” He asked me.
I nodded.
“I know, I know. Thank you,” I said and then changed the subject. “When do you take off?”
I shouldn’t be this curious. I was asking for both them and Katerina. I know I should let her get on that flight and go but I wanted retribution. I wanted payback for the way she left me here all alone instead of staying like she said she would.
“We leave in less than thirty,” he answered.
I nodded. I wanted to ask about her, but I didn’t. I just, I needed air.
“Okay, I’ll try and come back to say goodbye. Just text me where okay?” I said, ready to escape.
Mr. Di’Maggio nodded,
“Okay, will do. We’ll see you in a bit, okay?”
“Alright’,” I answered.
“Oh! Matty, I think I left my extra pair of heels upstairs in the room. Hold on, let me go get them,” Mrs. Di’Maggio exclaimed.
“Wait, I’ll get em’ for ya,” I told her.
“Oh no, no it’s okay I can go get them,” She said as if refusing for me to go up there.
She didn’t get it; I was trying to make sure Katerina didn’t walk into the lobby to meet her family. I didn’t know where she was nor did I see the rest of the clan, so I figured they either already left, or they were on their way back in. I wanted to avoid seeing Katerina at all costs.
“Oh, let me do this one thing for you please, Mama?” I smiled shyly.
She smirked,
“This damn charm of yours, Bubba.”
Phew! I was glad she didn’t refuse the second time.
****
Mrs. Di’Maggio gave me their room key despite her slight hesitation. When I made it into the room, I knew why. At first, I didn’t see her because I got distracted by a phone call from Mrs. Di’Maggio. I picked up quickly,
“Hello?”
“Bubba! Oops, I found them. Gabby took them with her. Just come on down, hurry up.” She said.
It was weird, why was she rushing me to come downstairs when they were going to tell me when they were leaving?
“Okay,” I answered and hung up.
Just as I was walking out of the room, I heard humming coming from the bathroom. I was a little bit confused until I recognized the song. It was the Greensleeves lullaby that Jude couldn’t sleep without. I hadn’t heard that since the day he died, and I couldn’t think clearly.
I stomped towards the bathroom wondering who the fuck had the nerve to hurt my heart even more. I could no longer take it. When I wrenched the door open, there Katerina stood in the glass sliding door shower. Had I not heard the shower, or had I refused to acknowledge that anyone else was in here?
She hummed the song as the clear as day glass showed how she hugged herself while the water simply ran over her body. She didn’t have to tell anyone that it was a cold shower, but I could tell because nothing was fogging up.
I snatched the glass door back, causing her to jump. She looked frantic for a minute and then she saw that it was me. I saw the fear in her eyes, much more palpable now. Was she afraid of me?
Why did I even give two shits?
“Don’t fucking hum that lullaby!” I barked out realizing that those were my first words to her. “You have no right; you never once came to see him.” I accused her.
Katerina was holding herself again as if afraid to show me something. I eyed her from head to toe. She was much thinner than when I last saw her. Her skin no longer had its rich shine to it, her hair was down her back as if she maintained it at that length and the light in her eyes was gone. As my eyes raked over her, my body ran cold when I stopped at the marks that she was trying to hide.
I reached out grabbing her arms, stretching them out once I saw what she was hiding; Fading marks on her wrists. For some reason, this made me so furious that I saw red.
“How fuckin’ dare you!” I roared.
I didn’t care as I climbed in the shower with her. When I was like this, my actions were worse than anything else.
“Please,” she pleaded. Just like how I did when I searched everywhere for her.
Didn’t she realize, I didn’t give a fuck any more than she did when she walked out on me? She was my wife. We promised in front of our families and God that we’d help each other in the hard times but what did she go do? She ruined me so fuck her. That’s the mantra that I was trying to stick within my mind but why is it that something about her called out to me. Look at her now; weak, shivering from the cold-water torture she initiated on herself, determined to give me that remorseful expression.
She disgusted me so much that I drew nearer. None of this was making sense, that’s how fucked I was by her. I raised my hand up to her throat, grasping it as tightly as I could. She thought she could get rid of everything. Every memory, every passion, every confession and every loss we suffered together by coming back? Well, I think the fuck not. I lifted her up by the throat to meet me eye level. I wasn’t sure if she was crying or if it was the water from the shower that was getting me wet as well.
“I’m sorry,” she croaked out despite the hold I had on her neck.
I peered into her eyes wanting her to see that I wasn’t joking about a damn fucking thing.
“You don’ get to rid yourself of me. In this life that ya choose, you will stay alive. All the wron’ ya caused, all the pain you’ve inflicted. The emptiness you’ve expanded and fuckin’ hurt, agony, all that…” Gooseflesh appeared on her body. “I will give em’ back to you tenfold. You don’ get to go back home to your family because I am now and forever will be your family, Mrs. McDermott. You wanted this so this is what you’ll get. If you leave town, I will hun’ you down and bury you my goddamn self.” I leaned in closer wanting to see just how terrified I made her. I shouldn’t have but my tongue darted out as I tasted her tears. Tears that moved nothing in me… or did they? Fuck it, I don’t care.
The shudder that escaped her lips mad
e me relax on the hold around her neck, I didn’t know what I was going to do next, but I never got to find out as the sounds of the music box infiltrated my mind again. The lullaby haunting me, and I set her down. I stepped out of the shower as if I were the one afraid of the threats I just made. My mind was gone as I walked out of the hotel room, not even looking back to see if she was leaving or not. I leaned against a wall, shutting my eyes and placing my hands over my ears.
“Please, go away. Not right now. Please,” I begged, knowing for sure that no one was around. No one could help me get rid of this lullaby. It was haunting me just like it used to do when Katerina first left me. It took so many years for me to get it out of my head, why was it coming back now?
I took in a deep breath and then I released another, just like my old therapist taught me. I should’ve stayed with her, but I couldn’t. She didn’t get it, nothing fucking worked beside the breathing exercises. If anything, that was the only good thing I got from her. She was a good therapist but trying to ride my dick was not part of my bill.
My mind was wandering mixing with the lullaby, giving me the distorted version. I shook my head hard then I repeated the breathing exercise once more. I focused on what I had to do later. There was a kill. I had to kill someone. I needed to focus.
Focus, Bubba. Focus on the target.
Chapter 10
Katerina
When Carson left the room, I shuddered, breaking down in the bathtub. I cried out convinced that I broke him. I didn’t mean it. I really don’t. I thought I was doing the right thing. I swear I just wanted to give him what he wanted so why did it feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life?
I had shut the water out, but I didn’t bother getting up. I hugged myself as I sat in there just trying to think of the positive instead of the threat that Carson said to me yet the expression in his amber eyes rendered me immobile. He didn’t get one thing though, as he threatened me to tell me, he’d bury me himself…I wanted it. I wanted him to end this sufferance, take it all away because I deserved it. The lashing out, the way he angrily spat every word. That was my fault. I made him into something or rather, someone I didn’t recognize. Those demons that I swear I escaped still lurked in the background. I felt their taunting cackles in the dark and hidden part of my mind. Let him hurt you, they said. You deserve this. It’s your fault. Let him bury you, you ungrateful bitch! Drown yourself in this sorrow and never come back up for air. You’re a coward! You couldn’t kill yourself but the only way to redeem yourself now is by being dead and staying that way!
There was an imaginary hand over my throat ready to end it all. Die! Die, you stupid bitch! Then I heard him. I heard Carson’s voice as he screamed, begging for something to leave him alone. I wanted to go to him, so I mentally shook off the imaginary hand, deep down, I knew whose hand that was. Mine.
****
I didn’t know how long I had been in there, but I felt hands that came up taking me out of the tub. I shuddered at the contact of his tee-shirt on my cold skin. I looked up seeing Carson as he led me out of the bathroom straight into the bedroom. I expected him to throw me on the bed, but his gentleness unnerved me. He treated me like a wounded bird placing me on the bed, his eyes were still so intense as they glared in my direction. He was very much angry with me, but he didn’t choke me this time around. It was weird because I should’ve hated him for touching me in that way but instead, all it did was awaken a part of me that had died when he no longer touched me. The moment his touch was gone from my body, no other touch was wanted. I now craved for his touch, even if it meant him hurting me. What could I do to illicit such a touch from him? I knew how he felt towards me. The way he carried and placed me on the bed was with gentleness, yet his fingers scraped against my skin with harshness. The grip was painful, yet so satisfying because he was touching me. Nobody could touch me like Carson, he knew it, I knew it and the demons who were still cackling in the background wanted it more than I did. Hurt her, Carson. She deserves it. Look at you, you can do it. You’re her husband that she abandoned. Who the fuck does she think she is to hurt you like that? Her pathetic ass can see just how much damage she’s caused you, yet her weak self is watching instead of initiating. Push him! Push his buttons so we can all end you together!
I gazed at him, taking in the detail of how he had become now. He was still larger than me, but he was leaner, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was much more cut than when we were in college.
“I’m sorry,” I said to him again. There was nothing else I could do but beg him to forgive me for what I did, I knew that I walked away. I shouldn’t have but I did.
I didn’t need him to accept me back in his life, I just wanted him to know that I was sorry.
“Don’t.” He warned as he walked off.
I watched him as I thought he was leaving but instead, he went to the duffel bag that I kept some of my clothes in. Anything I had acquired over the years, I had either donated to the salvation army or sold. I never kept anything personal because none of it gave me pleasure. None of it felt right, it didn’t make me feel complete. It wasn’t Carson.
Carson came back with a shirt, yoga pants, socks, and my sneakers. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, I could get up and do it myself but as soon as I tried, I fell back on the bed. When was the last time I ate? I couldn’t remember because this was something that I did way too often. I forgot to eat, sometimes by mistake, and other times… on purpose. It didn’t help with the way my mind would wander. I would find myself losing the day over and over again because I’d be sitting somewhere staring out, just watching, waiting for something I knew I would never get back. Him.
Carson watched me carefully as if trying to see where else I hurt myself but there wasn’t any other mark on my body except for the small tattoo of Jude’s footprint on my lower tummy area and another one on my back. I don’t think he saw that one cause if he had, he would’ve mentioned it. Carson paused at that; he didn’t say a word, but he lingered on that small tattoo. He sat on the side of the bed pulling my upper body up as he helped me put the shirt on, then he moved on to helping me put my yoga pants on, he placed my socks and sneakers on himself. Meanwhile, there wasn’t a peep from him, and I began to panic, why was he doing this to me? Was he dressing me up so that he could kill me finally? I didn’t know this Carson and I would be lying if I said he didn’t scare me a lot more than anything else in this world… Would I be grateful that he was going to end it all or would I regret what that dark part of me wants?
He didn’t say anything else as he went back to my duffel bag, picking it up when he came to my bed scooping me up in his arms again. It felt foreign, strange yet comforting. His body ran hot while his heart and eyes ran cold when he looked at me. Not once had he even given me the satisfaction of knowing he took my apology for what it was worth, and it was worth a lot. It was worth so much, yet I knew he would never believe me again. I know that he thought I abandoned him, which in hindsight, I did but he wanted me to go. He didn’t want me there anymore and I understood because I failed him. He didn’t deserve this; he was a good man, one that I was beginning to think was long gone and if he wasn’t, it meant he refused to show that side of him to me.
I wanted to say I knew why I stayed away for seven years but I didn’t know the proper answer to that. At first, I had been so depressed that I couldn’t pull myself out of the abyss that I was falling deeper and deeper into. No matter how much I talked to Michel or rather pretended to be okay, I couldn’t go to him. Then a couple of years went by, nothing improved, and I was haunted by dreams, nightmares, daydreams of the moment before the accident. Jude’s little laughter, the way his amber eyes lit up when we sang along to a song on the radio. The way he clapped his little hands in his car seat giggling at my crazy antics. We were at a red light when I looked up at him and he at me. He smiled, reminding me so much of Carson then his last words were, Mama, I love Daddy this big! He spread his arms as far as he could then he’d go on and say, But
, I love, love, love, love youuuuuu.
This was his thing, he loved to tell me how much he loved his father and me. My heart had warmed at that. There was no regret in my life because this little boy that belonged to me and the only man I loved, told me that he loved us right back. The light turned green, I made my way and within seconds, less than a minute, we were hit. I don’t remember ever screaming or crying out, but I called out for Jude yet the silence in the car was deafening. He didn’t die on impact instead he was thrown out of the car but that wasn’t what killed him. I could never bring myself to revisit what took my angel from me, I refused to ever revisit that moment. The only thing I focused on was that he used his last breath to tell me how much he loved me and his father. Our little angel. Our only angel.
I shouldn’t have but I cuddled more into Carson’s arms as we got into the elevator. I didn’t care where he was taking me but all I knew was that I wanted to feel his warmth one last time before I lost him. Before he snatched his warmth away from me, I turned into his chest and sobbed. I wanted to stop crying but nothing, no one could stop this, and Carson cursed under his breath. The pain of what I endured, the loss expressed in his eyes and the realization that even though I was able to get help to get out of depression, the lingering effects called to me as those it was a siren and I was its sailor man. I wanted to get rid of that demon. I knew which demons lurked there; there was depression calling me back, wanting me to embrace with it and forever be with it. Then, there was guilt, it blamed me for everything that happened. For losing my son, watching him lose his life in front of me yet not being able to do anything about it. The last of the demons was so strong, I wasn’t sure if I would beat her. That demon masked itself taking my face as though it were me, but I knew who she was. She was suicide. She wanted me to end it all and never look back. There in the darkness, all three called to me as though I owed them something. Sometimes, I tuned them out and other days, I cry so hard. Like right now, she wanted me to kill myself so badly but how could I do that? How could I leave Carson here, all alone in this world? Didn’t I take enough away from him? I took his son and my love from him even though, he wanted me to. It didn’t mean I had to. He saved me in more than one way, he was the only light in my dark mind even if he now appeared as though he belonged to the dark; he was my dark angel.