by King Ellie
“You sure you’re doing good, brother?” Tony asked me.
I smiled at him, a genuine one. It took time for me to start doing even this but now, I was able to laugh and smile. I was healing. I knew that but there was always a part of me that would never heal.
“I’m doing the best I can. I miss him more every day. I don’t even know how that’s possible,”
I admitted.
He pulled me in for a hug, we were almost the same height now. He grew a little bit more, even though I didn’t know that was possible. I took the hug knowing that I needed it.
“I’m here for you Bubba. I’ll always be here for you. Anytime man, anytime.” He reassured me.
“I know, Tony, I know.”
“So, what, you’re just going to repeat everything I’m saying?” He teased.
I chuckled,
“Still annoyin’ as fuck, I see.”
Tony laughed along with me but then stopped. He pulled away, looking beyond me. I turned to see what he was looking at. I narrowed my eyes trying to see who it was, but she was quick and had already disappeared. I faced Tony again, the expression on his face gave me pause.
“What is it? Who was that?” I asked.
Tony’s eyes slowly met mine,
“That was Kitty.”
My heart began wildly beating as if someone just resuscitated me.
“What?” I looked back at the space I just saw her in, but no one was there. I swore to myself that if I ever saw her again, I wouldn’t care yet here I was, sprinting in all directions looking for her.
I didn’t know what I would say to her if I saw her. She couldn’t have gone far because I saw where the gate was to leave the cemetery and there’s no way she made it there already. I stopped in my tracks, I screamed like an unhinged lion. Roaring to let his kingdom, his jungle know that it wasn’t safe to mess with his emotions like this.
“Kitty!” I screamed but nothing. I took another deep breath, calling her name out, this time I bellowed out her name as though I was planning on waking the dead, “Katerina!”
I was breathing heavily, and when I turned back to see Tony in the distant near my truck, there Katerina stood. Tears filled her eyes as she watched me as though terrified of my presence, which she should be. My features were set on rage as I walked towards them, Tony saw it and stood in front protecting his twin. The same one who left all of us in distress. I didn’t blame him; I would’ve done the same thing, but I didn’t care. I was fuming. I felt some tendrils of hair escape from my low bun. I saw the shock on her face as I got closer to her, I wasn’t the same Carson she walked out on and she knew it.
Something snapped in me. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was scared as fuck right now. My hands were trembling. Everything in me screamed to kill her for leaving me. For just throwing me away like I was gum under her shoe. She ruined me when all I’ve ever wanted was to do right by her. Instead of stopping, I walked by her and Tony.
“Carson, wait!” Tony spoke up.
I didn’t dare turn around. I didn’t trust myself. That deep seeded anger was coming up and soon I would have to throw it up.
“No!” I roared. “Fuck her, Tony. Fuck her.” I got in my truck, slamming the door hard flinching at how hard that was.
I drove off not looking back at all. I wouldn’t let her back in no matter what. Never again.
****
Katerina
Through the whole ride, I didn’t say a word. Tony called us an uber and I was silent. I didn’t even know what to say to him. I was nervous as hell because what could I say not to have my entire family hate me too. Tony hadn’t said a word to me either. He just walked off and I followed. I felt like an outsider even from my own twin. I thought back to the way Carson yelled my name out. It took everything in me not to run towards him. I almost broke down and cried. I wanted to run away too but Tony held me in place and when Carson turned to face me, I knew I had lost all of him. That rage, the one he never truly directed towards me was all for me now.
When he began walking towards me, I knew for certain he was going to kill me but instead the closer he got, I shut my eyes. I couldn’t do it. I froze when he brushed by me. I don’t think he meant to do that, but I felt his suited covered arm brush mine. Goosebumps appeared and I knew that he affected me in more ways than one. He was gorgeous from his well-maintained beard, those same amber eyes that now held more rage than anything else and how well he wore that all black tie-less suit. I wondered what he did now or where he was going but I knew I had no right to his life or to ask.
His words still got to me.
No! Fuck her, Tony, fuck her.
I shuddered at the emotion that he held in his words. The hate that seeped right through them. I shouldn’t have left, but I had to. If I ever wanted to be myself again, I had to go. I just wish I didn’t do it in such a selfish way.
****
When we arrived at Tony’s hotel, he still didn’t talk. I sighed knowing that soon enough, I would have to leave him alone too. I was sure he hated me just as much. I saw the disappointment in his eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. He didn’t push me away when I followed him in, going into the elevator with him and then when we entered his room, I knew why he let me follow him. I gasped when I saw my father coming from a hall in the room. My father froze dropping the phone he had in his hands when his eyes landed on. I couldn’t move either. I don’t remember ever seeing my father cry but today, at this moment, he did.
“My baby,” was all that he said before he walked towards me.
He pulled me into a hug that I didn’t know I’d needed from him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, not able to hold back my ugly cry. I bawled like the biggest baby ever.
“Daddy, I’m so sorry.”
“Shhh,” my dad shushed hugging me tighter. He kissed the top of my head just like he used to do, “It’s okay baby. Just as long as you’re here. I get my baby back. I love you carina, don’t ever forget that.”
His nickname for me caused me to cry harder. He shushed me not saying a word until I quieted down.
After I did, he let me go out of his arms, but he wiped my tears away. He tilted his head at me just watching me as if I would disappear out of his arms. I would never leave his arms again.
“I’m sorry,” I said one more time. I knew that my apology would never change things, but this was all I had to offer.
“It’s okay carina, I’ve forgiven you a long time ago. All I wanted was my daughter back and for her to be back in one piece. I couldn’t have asked for anything else.”
“Does mommy hate me?” I asked. Afraid of his answer.
“No, she doesn’t,” he responded as he smiled at me.
“She’s on her way here on the jet, I told the whole family,” Tony said from behind me.
This was the first time he spoke since he laid his eyes on me.
I took a deep breath and turned to face him.
“I’m sorry that I left and hurt you, Tony. You’re my twin, I shouldn’t have kept away from you especially.”
Tony shook his head,
“You shouldn’t have left. We all would’ve helped you. We would’ve pitched in, in any way, we knew how. Anything you needed; we would’ve given to you.”
I nodded. I understood what he was saying.
“I get it. I’m sorry I hurt everyone. I just hope that my apology and me being here can show how much I regret leaving.”
Tony didn’t say anything. Instead, he showed me how much he missed me by hugging me tightly. I forgot how warm his hugs always were.
“Don’t ever fucking do that again. I won’t forgive you another time. I swear to you Kitty,” He said, and I knew he was serious.
“I understand, Antonio.”
He grunted as a reply and kissed the top of my head like our dad just did.
Chapter 9
Katerina
When Mom finally made it to the hotel, I wasn’t able to rest. I sat on the couch
while my dad and my twin tried to get me to talk some more and tell them what happened to me but I wanted everyone there so I could explain it.
The knock on the door caused me to jump. I inhaled knowing mom was never as calm as Dad when it came to my shit. When she came into view, I stood. There she was beautiful as ever, but I could see the worry in her eyes and the sadness. She stood there with a now twenty-four-year-old Gabby and my twenty-two-year-old twin baby brothers. Gabby was the spitting image of mom, she stood at like five feet ten inches now. She looked like a model; she had both the height and the body for it. Matteo and Michel were about the same height as Tony. Their blue eyes were filled with worry, contrasting from their flawless faces. They were a mixture of mom and dad too.
The first person to run towards me was Matteo. I knew who he was because Matteo had a birthmark right under his right eye. He kept his dark brown hair shorter in the back, with the front longer now falling past his right eye. Michel had a similar cut to Matteo’s except his hair only fell to his eyebrows and he had no birthmark.
Matteo scooped me up in his arms and hugged me so tight, I thought my body was going to break. Both him and Michel were clearly playing sports, but I didn’t know which one.
“My munchkin, I missed you. I don’t care about anything else except that God answered my prayers.”
I didn’t dare move before something broke from his bear hug.
“Put her down, Teo,” Michel said as he got closer.
Matteo put me down but not before he placed a kiss on my forehead and for the first time in a long while, I smiled.
Michel took over in his hug and he whispered in my ear. “Don’t worry, tell them everything. I never told them what I did for you but it’s okay to say it now.”
I swear I was tired of crying, but I guess the tears were going to continue on flowing.
“I love you Mick; I’ll never forget what you did for me.”
He hugged me even tighter. “You mean the world to me Kit-Kat. I love you too,” He placed a kiss on my cheek before he let me go.
Mom and Gabby stood their ground. I didn’t know what to say or do.
“I’m sorry I hurt all of you guys. I shouldn’t have left.”
“You’re fucking right about that!” Gabby answered.
“Watch your language, piccolo,” little one. Dad still called her that nickname.
“It’s okay dad, I deserve it.”
“No, no, we don’t do that, and she knows better. If you’re mad at your older sister, you tell her without the damn foul language. Am I understood?” This was the side of Matthew Di’Maggio that none of us ever wanted to see.
Gabby nodded. “Yes papa.” She walked closer with her hands on her hips, “Why did you leave if you were going to come back huh? Do you know how many people you’ve hurt? You’re selfish. Look at our mother, you left her without telling her anything. You know she worries.”
Gabby was right. I looked at our mother as she just stood there. She had been looking at me, but she hadn’t moved from her spot. I didn’t say anything as Gabby continued.
“Have you seen what you did to this family? You’re lucky we’re not hateful or else we’d never talk to you again. Not only that, but you broke Carson!” She yelled the last bit to me.
I knew it was stupid, but I was hoping no one brought him up. It took so much to come back and go to him after I got better but I had to stay away from him. The image of the way he cried over Jude and him holding unto the casket held me prisoner. Not being able to open the casket because we knew our child’s face and the body was unrecognizable. Carson didn’t have to say it, but he looked at me differently after the funeral. I saw the hesitation in his words, his actions and in his eyes. He didn’t outright blame me for losing Jude but in a way, he did. I didn’t leave right after the funeral but those weeks after were excruciating. I tried not to succumb to the dark place that called for me unfortunately, it was a slippery slope and I wasn’t strong enough this time around. Every night when I slept, I’d reach out for Carson, searching for his warmth but he wouldn’t be in the bed instead I’d find him on the couch. I felt like he was repulsed by my touch, yet I understood. How could he look at me and feel okay?
There was one person who saw me every chance he got, and it was Michel. At the time, he was about fifteen years old. He got me out of bed when I no longer wanted to, he stayed with me when he should’ve gone back to Florida. He transferred to California for me and I will forever be grateful because he saw what I tried to hide from the world. It became too much one day, I couldn’t stop crying, no matter what and then it all became unbearable. That night, Carson never came home, nor did he come back the next night, the demons in that dark place knew they won. They rejoiced as I admitted to myself that my husband, the father of my now deceased child, hated me. I refused to face him, so I took the easiest yet most painful route, I left. I told Michel to drive me to the bus station and that I would figure out what to do with my life. He begged me to stay but I couldn’t. He swore to me that he wouldn’t say a word if I kept in contact with him and I did. He gave me his debit card and every month he deposited money.
****
“That’s enough!” Michel yelled causing everyone to look his way. He never yelled.
We all faced him, he stood near Tony and dad. His face was full of rage, blue eyes blazing as he stared at Gabby.
“Excuse me?” Gabby asked.
“Excuse you? Do you hear yourself? You came in here scolding your only sister about leaving us, her family and Carson? How dare you! Do you know how she was feeling? Were you there to watch your oldest sister lose herself every day? Or when she cried herself to sleep every night because she blamed herself for the death of her son? You don’t have a right to call her selfish because when she needed us, we weren’t there for her. None of you saw it but I did. She cried for two nights straight when Carson didn’t come back home. She thought he left her because he hated her. They were both young and in pain, they didn’t know what to do. I watched her break. I cried, begged her to come back to us. You don’t get the right to talk to her like that Gabby!”
Gabby grew furious,
“and why is that? Huh?”
Michel huffed as though he was going to explode, and he did.
“Because you didn’t see the life in her leave when out of anger, Carson and munchkin got into arguments. Though they weren’t major to the normal eye, for these two, it was something. It was what lead to their misunderstandings. I was mad for her, taking her side all the time but then I drew back. It wasn’t my fight nor my relationship, I saw that and begged her to stay. I wanted her to face Carson, but I couldn’t make her do it. She had to do it for herself. I now understand I feel both of their pain, but you fucked up when you didn’t ask her why but rather jumped down her throat. She was severely depressed and needed help!” He shouted the last bit.
“Mick…” I whispered but it was too late.
Mom was the first to break as she walked to me. She eyed me from head to toe. I knew it was because I lost a lot of weight. I lost both the baby weight and the weight that I had from before. I wasn’t thin but I lost a lot of my curves, ass, and breasts.
“Why?” Mom asked me. “Why didn’t you come to me? I’m your mama. I would’ve done anything to help you. I would’ve sat with you or done whatever. Did you think we’d love you any less?”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t look her in the eye.
“I’m so sorry.” I was a machine at this point.
My mother tried to not cry as she tsked. She pulled me in for a hug, one I knew no one but her could give me.
“I shouldn’t have said that to you Kitty,” I heard Gabby say. I looked up from mom’s shoulder.
“No, it’s okay, I deserved it and I’m sorry that I hurt you all and Carson as well. Although, he will never forgive me which I guess I’m okay with. I’m not here to hurt him again. I just wanted to apologize and visit Jude. I wanted him to know that I’m better
now and that I promise to stay close to him.”
“Shit,” Gabby said as tears escaped her eyes. She came behind me and hugged me too.
All the boys came in and joined in the hug too.
“Are you better now, munchkin?” Matteo asked me.
“Yeah, now that I’m with you guys, everything is better. I missed you guys way too much.” I confessed. Never revealing how much more I ached for Carson. My heart must’ve been worse than broken because it wanted him when he hasn’t wanted me since we lost our Jude.
****
Carson
I went quiet for two days even though Tony was trying to contact me. I was too shaken up to see him, afraid that Katerina was going to pop up again. Fuck, I was hurt. I had never in my life, felt my chest ache in the way that it did when I saw her again. I refused to linger on what she looked like for fear; I would memorize what she looks like now and replay it in my mind over and over until I dove headfirst into delirium. I would mix all the details about her with the feelings that I thought were buried deep within me yet now, they lurked at the surface of me, ready to spill over. They just wanted to be worn on my sleeves, but I refused that. I didn't need these feelings. I abandoned them just like the owners of said feelings did. They no longer were welcomed here.
I took another sip of my drink; I shouldn’t be out here at the hotel bar downstairs waiting for Tony. She was too close, and my nerves were acting up. I grunted giving Tony five more minutes before I left and as if he knew what I decided, he walked into the bar. He nodded at me before he sat down,