Dear, Carson McDermott (The Dear letters Series Book 1)

by King Ellie

  He didn’t make any attempts to stop me from crying and luckily, no one got in the elevator. When we exited, I didn’t care about a damn thing but a moment after, I heard a door slam so loudly which prompted me to hang on to Carson tighter. My fingers reached out, gaining the strength, I held onto his tee-shirt not wanting him to discard me. I didn’t want him to be out of his arms. This was the only time the thoughts, the demons and everything else quieted down. When I was around my dark angel, he rescued me from the brink of death. Each time, I felt his light but rough touch, I wanted to live. Push me to live, Carson, please. Don’t let go of me again, don’t tell me to go away from you. I can’t do it a second time. It’s too much. I didn’t want to go anywhere else without him.

  “Please,” I begged. My sobs intensified. “Please, make it stop, Carson. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much but it won’t go away. Make it hurt less, I’m begging you.”

  I felt Carson’s arms tighten around me.

  “Shhh,” He shushed me as he rocked me side to side. “It’s okay… It’ll stop. It will stop. Trust me.” The sincerity in his words alarmed me because I didn’t expect it, yet it soothed me at the same time.

  I held on for dear life. It was selfish, it was wrong, but I couldn’t let go of the only man I’d hurt. I needed him to heal and he needed me even if he threatened to end my life. I made a decision as I sat in his arms, he comforted me when not too long ago, he spewed vicious words my way. Those vicious words betrayed him even more than he wanted them to. If he wanted me not to see right through him, then he wasn’t hiding enough. I saw the hurt, the pain that we both had deep within us as though it were coursing through our veins. My mind had never been so clear as I made my decision, I would take whatever punishment he wanted to give me head-on. Each vicious word would be met with a yearning for more. I would eat it all up getting full of his words because I needed to hear them. I had never had any other clear though before as I had right now. I wouldn’t complain, I wouldn’t falter because I owed him this much and even more. He deserved to hate me, but I loved him. He deserved better yet I wouldn’t let him go. I will heal him because I broke him.

  ****

  Carson

  When I walked back into the hotel room, the sight of Katerina still in the tub that I left her in this morning freaked me out. I had so many questions and I needed her to answer them but seeing her in this state caused a part of me that I thought I buried, come out. It was so protective of her and her fragile state. I wasn’t sure who could come in and take advantage of her in this state, I didn’t even want to think about that. When I first left her this morning, I didn’t expect her to be here. In the same spot, I knew she didn’t leave with her family because I said goodbye to them before they got on the jet yet finding that Katerina didn’t run away this time from me raised questions. So many questions yet no time for her to fully process what was going on. Even when I stepped closer to her to scoop her up in my arms, she didn’t fight me. She didn’t say a word, she just let me do it. Why? I saw the fear in her eyes earlier so why was she just let me do this now? This wasn’t the Katerina I knew. She was a fighter, she always had something to say but now, it was like that part of her was also where that part of me was too. Hiding in the shadows, trying to remain dormant but would it though?

  I dressed her, fighting the urge to hold her. I didn’t want her to think that we were okay because we definitely weren’t. I still hadn’t forgiven her for leaving me like that. When we got out of the room, I thought about my actions and what I was doing. Was I really going to keep her by me? And what was so good about it? Maybe if I kept her around then I could channel my anger much more by looking at her. My father always taught me to face my fears, hold on to the one thing that brings you anger and execute your enemy with it.

  I just didn’t expect her to begin sobbing in my arms. This was different. When we lost Jude, we tried, God, we really did try to comfort each other but we were so young. We were filled with such grief. Sometimes, when she slept in the night, I’d come in the room and hold her as she cried for Jude in her sleep, but I couldn’t be there when she woke up.

  I saw the way she looked at me; the sadness in her eyes, the guilt that ate at her core, but I wanted her to know that I never blamed her. I knew she had no control as to how we lost our son. She wasn’t the enemy. I really tried to tell her, I did but I knew that although, she wanted me to be with her. At the same time, she really didn’t. She once said what she loved so much about Jude was that he was the spitting image of me from my amber eyes to the way he smiled. Jude always had a way of making his mother smile in such a way, it would light up her entire face. Sometimes, I was jealous of their relationship, but she said she used to be jealous of the way Jude and I were. So how could I not see the anguish she faced when she would make eye contact with me yet turn away so quickly, you’d think I was the disease that she needed to escape.

  When we reached the parking lot, I wanted to put her in the car and drive off, but I couldn’t. I climbed in my truck, slamming the door due to my anger yet I held her so close to me as I let her cry. I don’t know what made me comfort her. I just had to. I needed her to be stronger than this because it was hard to hate someone who was so weak. How could I hate a woman who begged me to make the pain go away? I loved this woman with my whole heart, I can’t clarify that now, but I know I once did so how can I enjoy her being this weak?

  ****

  Settling her into my house wasn’t that hard. I let Katerina sleep for a couple of hours until I had to get her up. It was showtime. I walked into my room, shaking her a bit.

  “Get up,” I gruffly said.

  In another world, another time, I would’ve woken her up with kisses, showered her body with love, unfortunately, this wasn’t then. This was now. She grumbled but eventually opened her eyes. When her eyes made contact with mine, she practically oozed fear.

  “Wha-, what is it?” She asked as if she had a right to.

  “Get up, shower an’ let’s go,” I ordered.

  “Where are we going?” She asked as she eyed me from head to toe.

  I knew what I looked like. I wore a hoodie, sweats, and sneakers with my hair braided back like I used to do before a game.

  “You don’t get to ask where the hell we’re goin’. Get that ass up an’ move.”

  Katerina’s head reared back, surprised that I’d talked to her like that. She sneered reminding me of a girl I didn’t think was still in there. She clenched her teeth beginning to get out of bed. I smirked as I irritated her by watching every move she made until she was in the bathroom.

  After her shower and whatever the hell she did in there, she came back in the bedroom with the clothes I laid out for her. It was a tight strapless red number that stopped mid-thighs and she wore the heels that I left in there too. She looked uncomfortable as if she couldn’t stand me looking at her that way. I rolled my eyes walking away knowing she would follow me if she knew what was good for her.

  Katerina didn’t talk as I drove us where we needed to go. She didn’t know this, but I needed certain anger where I was going. I got rid of the feel of her in my arms, the comfort that I gave her and the way she pleaded for me to help her get rid of the pain. This wasn’t the time for it. I didn’t need to feel bad for her. I had a moment of weakness and it was best I showed not only her but my damn self that she left me. I didn’t leave her, I didn’t walk out on her at the most crucial, most painful time in her life. No! That was all her. She made her bed so now she can lay in it.

  I didn’t need to explain my actions to anyone especially her, so I refused to answer her questioning glances at me when we pulled up to a warehouse turned club. I parked the car, getting out and didn’t bother looking back. I heard the click-clack of her heels as they stomped the cement. She was getting riled up, good. This wasn’t what she thought, and I knew that by her small gasp behind me when we walked in.

  The place was filled with a lot of people as they sat around a caged ring set u
p for a fight. I was an underground fighter and I enjoyed this because as of now, I killed for sport. I didn’t want to excuse anything or lie saying that I did it due to my profession or the life I was born into. No, this was what those who did me wrong turned me into and I fully accepted it. In fact, I should call up my mother letting her know her vicious words, hands, personality and more worked. I should turn to Katerina and thank her for driving the final nail in the coffin of insane, that is me.

  I clapped hands with some folks and others as I made my way to the locker room. I knew I was up pretty soon. I never arrived hours before my fight, I didn’t want to mingle with these people or become friends. I came here for one thing, which was to kill. Sometimes, I stayed for the perks that came with the fights but that was when the kill was so deadly yet not enough to calm my urges.

  Jacks, one of the big guys that ran this joint spotted me. He stood from where he was seated and made his way to me. He was a bit taller than me, big as hell, filled with muscle but I knew it was all for show because I could take him down if I wanted to. I almost came to doing so a couple of times when he got on my last nerve. His big blue eyes must’ve spotted Katerina with the way he looked past me. I didn’t like that lustful look in his eyes, she wasn’t for him to look nor touch.

  “Who is this fine piece of ass, Manu?” He called me that name because in the Samoan language it meant beast.

  I didn’t want them calling me by my actual name and neither did it matter to them, so they called me what my grandfather always called me when he referenced my abilities to play football. Manu.

  “She isn’t to be looked at or touched, am I clear?” I glared at him.

  He chuckled,

  “come on brother, share a little, will you?”

  I tried to control my anger,

  “I’ll fuckin’ kill you where you stand if you touch my wife. AM. I. Fuckin’ clear?”

  I didn’t even know when I got all up in his space, but I was in it and didn’t give a shit. I wanted a good enough reason to be provoked. I didn’t need the ring tonight if Jacks didn’t comprehend my use of the basic English language.

  “Your wife?” His eyes widened and I cocked an eyebrow waiting for his answer, “crystal clear.” He said clearing his throat.

  I shoved him out of my way, I turned to grab Katerina’s wrist as we made our way to my locker room. I needed to kill something as soon as possible.

  Chapter 11

  Katerina

  I didn’t know how to react to anything as I sat there in a chair that was much more comfortable than it appeared. I wanted to ask Carson why the hell we were here, but I didn’t feel like seeing him unleash the side of him that I hadn’t gotten a full read on yet. There was something about the way he directed his anger at me. At first I was scared but now, it was like he was calling to a part of me I thought I lost when we lost Jude and ourselves. His anger embraced me much more than I thought. Just as I sometimes heard the call of the darkness, it had somehow shifted towards Carson. I hadn’t even been around him for a full week and his anger sang to me. It hit all sorts of high keys that made me break out into goosebumps. It wanted me to grovel, beg, plead, anything to succumb to its torture but there was one thing that it didn’t get, I wanted to be here. I wanted to feel that anger if it was the only thing that Carson could give me then I wanted it. Him. Him. Him.

  The uproar of the crowd that came to watch this match pulled me out of my thoughts. The cage was just as big as those MMA cages and when the bell rung, there Carson and a man double his size in width began going toe-to-toe. For a second, I was worried about Carson, I didn’t know anything about his skills, and I had so many questions swimming through my mind. Like why was he doing this? Was this legal? It didn’t seem to be and that was fine by me but that meant this could go bad and no one would say a word about it. A punch so loud and harsh shocked me out of my chair. I stood as the big man’s fist connected to Carson’s jaw. I shouldn’t have moved but I did, I got closer to the ring and no one seemed to stop it.

  I felt the cold cement beneath me. I didn’t remember taking off my heels, but I didn’t care about any of that. I watched intensely as Carson began to punch the guy as well, but it was like Carson was holding back. I wasn’t an expert in this, but this wasn’t a fair match. I gritted my teeth as blow by blow landed on all parts of his body that the guy could get a hold of and I wanted to jump in there. I shook the metal cage,

  “stop it!” I screeched at the top of my lungs, but it was as though my words got lost in the crowd's uproar. “Stop it! Please!” I screamed, shaking the damn metal cage and it got lost in the crowd. Did they think I was cheering this shit on? Because I wasn’t.

  Carson shook his head not looking my way but as if warning me to stop screaming as though he was going to die. I didn’t stop yelling nor did I stop shaking the cage. Something flashed, if I wasn’t so close, I would have missed it. Carson all of a sudden, swung on the big guy aiming for his ribs and he caught him. The punch must’ve been powerful because the big guy stumbled a bit. The impact of the pain was written all over his face, but Carson didn’t even blink nor rest as he did before. He began throwing his fists in perfect precision at the guy. He aimed for his ribs much more than anything else and when the big guy fell to his knees clutching his side, Carson focused on his face.

  The big guy was exhausted, I know got why Carson didn’t fight back at first, he was tiring him out. I watched in pure fascination as Carson sauntered behind the big guy wrapping his arm around his neck and held him in a chokehold. Carson and I made eye contact but there was something so much more shocking in his amber eyes. There was a look, a faraway one that I had never seen before. He was staring right at me, but it was as though there were no emotions there. The hollowness shown at this moment, it froze my entire body. Nothing else mattered at this moment as I experienced something I hadn’t since we were first in love. The crowd disappeared, the yelling, the chanting of his Manu name but Carson didn’t.

  Was this the moment we were waiting for? For him, to see that I wasn’t going anywhere. I couldn’t tell but the only thing I knew for sure was that now, I was much more determined. Not only did I heart Carson’s call to me, but I accepted it. I wanted his torture, the pain, the anger, the lashing out and the sadness. Give it to me Carson. This time, the demons were quiet, confused as fuck because they didn’t understand my aim, but they didn’t get it because I wasn’t aiming with my mind, I was aiming with my heart. This time I didn’t even have to say it, my heartbeat matched the words. Him. Pain. Him. Torture. Him. Hate.

  He seemed to change his mind, there was a shift so quick in his eyes. He knew that I was no longer thinking with my mind but with my heart. It was his, he deserved to have it back and if I had to rip it out of my chest while it bled, I would. I’d hold it preciously in both hands, pass it over to him even as the blood leaked making a mess, pooling around my bare feet. Take the heart Carson, it’s yours. Not if you want it but because you asked for it. Instead of continuing to choke the big guy, he dropped him to the cage floor. He positioned the guy different than he was before, I wondered why, and my curiosity was answered as Carson got on top of the big guy. His fists began going at a speed so fast, I could’ve sworn it was competing with my heartbeat. Each hit harder than the next but that’s not what freaked me out. What got me was that his amber eyes were on me and not his target.

  He punched and punched, yet he didn’t waver in the way he watched me. A sick smile formed on his face as he suddenly stopped. I made the mistake of glancing down at why he stopped. The man’s face was so full of blood, I wasn’t sure if he was breathing or not. It was confirmed though as Carson broke the big guy’s neck so easily that out of reaction, my hand went to my neck while the other gripped the cage. I peered into his eyes once more and his lips moved, his words gripped me so hard by the throat, the legs, my heart, and the sickest part was that I loved it. It turned me on. This was what I wanted, what I needed. Those words I would never forget, and
he made sure of it. You’re never going to leave me again. You’re mine forever, Lil’ Darlin’.

  If Carson knew what he just did, he would’ve believed in himself as much as I did. The demons, my demons cowered further away in the dark corner. Scared because my dark angel was darker than them. He came to get me. The regal way he spread his black wings taking over everything in my mind and protecting me under his wings made me smile at my demons. They could never get to me as long as I was with him.

  ****

  Carson

  Hitting that big waste of space was nothing and killing him meant absolutely not a damn thing to me. I hissed as the hot water from the locker room hit the sore spot that the big guy tried to fracture. I rolled my eyes at my movements due to the strength I put behind my punches. I shouldn’t have gone that hard because my fingers were precious to me. These were the reason I made my money and pulled the trigger for the individuals that needed to be dropped in plain sight.

  I sighed, finally getting out. I didn’t even think as I did everything on autopilot. I was used to taking care of myself after a fight no matter how hurt I was so when I bypassed Katerina, I hadn’t done it on purpose. None of it registered to me as I dropped my towel, the act of moisturizing my body or even as I re-braided my hair naked as the day I was born. The small gasp came from her mouth the moment I turned around, which alerted me to her presence.

  This entire time, she had been sitting down on the bench behind me. Her eyes ventured from my hair all the way down to my dick that decided to get so painfully hard so fast that I almost cussed. I grunted not liking that even it betrayed me like the rest of my body did earlier in the cage. My eyes were the worst because they weren’t supposed to look up at her yet that’s what they did. The intensity in her gaze then was the same one now. I gritted my teeth as I slipped my sweats on ignoring that I couldn’t even fix my shit in peace for fear that if I touched it, I’d want to give her a show.