Dear, Carson McDermott (The Dear letters Series Book 1)

by King Ellie

  When I woke up, Katerina was still asleep. I slowly pulled away so that she wouldn’t wake up. I didn’t want to linger but I found myself drawing closer to her again. I held her close to me once more taking in how much better this feels with her in my arms. I shook my head. No! I was supposed to hate her not want her back. I wasn’t lying when I said that I wanted to make her pay for leaving me, but could I truly do that? I didn’t know if that was something I could handle. I was frustrated with the confusion that I was experiencing, why did I care about this now? All because she gave me attention again. This wasn’t right at all.

  My body reacted the moment I got out of bed; I shook my head disgusted that my body didn’t understand what my brain was trying to tell it. I checked my phone knowing that I had a mark to complete today, and other shit to do besides sitting here playing husband to my estranged wife. I stood from the bed shaking my head as I turned to look back at Katerina asleep in my big ass bed. This wasn’t good.

  As I did my morning routines, I didn’t understand how I got here. What the hell was I going to do? One thing, I was holding on to was that I was not going to forgive her. I don’t trust her, and I don’t think I ever will. As I finished showering, brushing my teeth and all of that, my phone began to ring. I looked at it and smirked. It was Cross, I pressed the green button then put it on speaker,

  “the hell you wan’?” I asked.

  She laughed; her smoky voice erupted throughout my entire bathroom.

  “Shut the fuck up, Manu,” I heard glass clinking which meant she was in another country with a time difference. “You got your assignment?”

  I should’ve been honest with those around me that I wasn’t just an enforcer, I was a trained assassin. My father had trained me ever since he got full custody of me at five. I was surprised that I even stuck with the training away from him. Cross and I knew each other from a long time ago. We never used our real names over the phone especially when either one of us was in another country around strangers.

  I whistled as I braided my hair in that famous French braid I always put it in.

  “You called me to ask me that? Honestly, stop drinkin’ will ya?” I chuckled and shook my head.

  Her boisterous laughter could be heard from miles. I could just picture her now; her hair out in tight kinky curls that formed around her face stopping at her shoulders. Her brown eyes lighting up the room attracting men from all over. Her model height was intimidating to some as she stood at six feet and the killer part, her dark brown skin. It was a weird rich chocolate color that she made sure to never mar. I always made fun of her because she could kill any man where he stood but if she ever went to bed with makeup on, she’d freak.

  “I’ll stop drinkin’ when you take me out an’ buy me that rifle you promised,” She retorted. Her country accent was deeper than mine due to her drinking.

  I rolled my eyes; she was so annoying with this rifle shit and her ex-husband; my brother must’ve been listening on the calls because she only liked to use me to make him jealous. I don’t know why they don’t just get back together… Oh yeah, because Cross tried to shoot his ass when she thought he was cheating, and he left her. I didn’t blame either of them, she had a difficult past and as for him, dodging a bullet from your jealous, angry wife during a mission that cost you millions, can make a man do some crazy shit.

  “Leave me out of it, Cross,” I said and then tsked. “You called me because you saw him with his new girlfriend huh? That picture he posted on his Instagram even though you’re supposed to be blocked.” I snickered, shaking my head, “that’s why you’re drinkin’ yaself to death, ain’t it?”

  I didn’t even have to see her face to know that she was sneering at me.

  “Hol’ on,” Cross said and not even a second later, I heard glass shattering.

  I finished my task making my way out of the bathroom to my walk-in closet. I went about my business getting dressed in the closet. I could openly admit that I was hiding from Katerina, but I knew that soon enough, I had to leave my closet. I was so lost in my own world that even as I sat on my ottoman in the room to tie my boots, I forgot that Cross had ever been on the phone, to begin with even with the noise of tables breaking and guns going off. I was too busy caught up in tying and retying my shoes as I watched Katerina. She stretched her little body to its full capacity as she woke up and when she got out of the bed deciding to stretch giving me a full view of how flexible she was, I licked my lips but Cross interrupted.

  “Alrigh’ I’m back. So that date?” she asked.

  Katerina straightened so fast, I almost snickered. I had to clear my throat a couple of times. She turned to face me with a cocked eyebrow and hands on her hips.

  “The date with the rifle as a gift?” I replied to Cross just to tick Katerina off a bit more than she already was.

  Cross gasped,

  “Wait, what?” She replied.

  I didn’t even get another chance to reply as Katerina stomped her tiny ass to stand in front of me.

  “Who the fuck is that!” She yelled. “Wait, you’re with someone? A date!” She shrieked.

  I smirked as I watched her for a moment. I glanced at her,

  “It’s none of your fuckin’ business who I take out, now is it?” I went back to tying my boots as if she was a nonfactor.

  Her growl sounded like those miniature dogs barking at you. It was much cuter than scary.

  “It’s my damn business!” She yelled again at the top of her lungs. Dramatic much? “You know why? Because I’m your wife!”

  “Oh shit! Your wife is back? Where has she been!” Cross yelled into the phone as if this was the time to ask.

  Katerina was fuming at this point. She narrowed her eyes as I stood, I leaned in getting close to her face, I placed the phone in between us.

  “I’ll call you back, babe,” As I said this, Katerina turned a shade of red I had never seen her turn. I should’ve stopped but fuck, this was turning me on, and I didn’t know how to properly turn that off.

  “Babe!” Cross shrieked. “The fuc-.” I didn’t give her a chance to continue as I hung up on her.

  I winked at Katerina and turned to leave. Katerina grabbed my wrist; she was trembling at this point. I faced her,

  “yes?”

  If smoke could come out of her ears, nose, and mouth, it would.

  “I’ll kill her, if you don’t break up with her, I’ll slit her throat in your face. I’m so fucking serious.”

  In another time, I’d pull her to me and fuck the shit out of her but right now, that was a definite no. Well not a no but more of, I can’t untangle myself in something I knew damn well I couldn’t get out of a second time.

  “Don’t wait up for me, my wife,” I said it with a low growl. “I’m going to Prague to look a man in the eye and put a bullet between them since he lied not only to me but someone I respect.”

  Katerina didn’t say a word, but she watched me as I eyed her from head to toe. I bit my bottom lip-loving how much it turned her on to hear me tell her I was going to put a bullet in someone.

  “Who is she?” She finally got out after realizing I didn’t tell her.

  I knew my eyes held a stern expression from the way she tried to match it.

  “Someone I trust with my life,” Was all the answer I was giving her. I pulled my wrist from her hand harshly causing her to stumble a bit.

  I didn’t give her the opportunity to say anything else as I left her in my bedroom. I had shit to do and a clear mind was what I needed the most right now.

  Chapter 13

  Katerina

  I wanted to feel bad for the way I reacted to whoever Carson was talking to but at the same time, I knew that deep down inside, I genuinely didn’t. The first day and night that Carson was gone, there wasn’t much to do. I explored his house trying to take a good look at it. I found his gym downstairs, a shooting range in the backyard and binge-watched shows I missed. I called my family to let them know that I was doing alrigh
t and also reactivated my Facebook along with Instagram.

  It was odd being back online and seeing how all my friends or rather people I knew moved on with their lives. I got a lot of random posts on my timeline welcoming back. I didn’t reply to any, but I get a message from Cassie. I hadn’t seen her since Jude’s funeral. I barely registered that anyone was there but I remember my family and her.

  We chitchatted, I learned now that she was married and that she lived in Los Angeles just like us except she lived in Oakland and us, well Carson lived in Santa Clara. She was paying me a visit today since we started chatting yesterday. I heard the doorbell ring and I got excited, hoping to see a familiar face that didn’t hate me years after. As I opened the door to this massive house and its cream, beige, and browns décor, I was met with a tall delivery man and a puppy in his hands.

  “Umm hello?” I greeted him.

  The delivery man, Frankie, according to his nametag, smiled at me.

  “I was told to bring this little guy here for you. He was supposed to get here yesterday but we had issues with other things. I am so sorry.”

  I looked from Frankie to the tiny chocolate Labrador. Its big, soulful brown eyes melted my heart.

  “Aww,” I said then I looked up at Frankie. “It pains me to say this, but I think you have the wrong house,” I pouted just taking to the damn little thing.

  “Are you Mrs. McDermott?” He asked.

  I nodded,

  “Yeah, I am.” I couldn’t help the smile on my face. It had been years since someone referred to me as Mrs. McDermott.

  Frankie smiled with me,

  “well, then ma’am. This here, the little guy is for you. His name is Brownie,” he handed him over to me. “Can I bring all his stuff in too?”

  I stepped to the side, as I lifted the little guy up in the air. I smiled at the name wondering who sent me him. I waited until Frankie brought in all of Brownie’s toys, bed, and whatever else he needed then before he left, I asked him a question.

  “Uh, excuse me, Frankie? Can I ask you something?”

  He smiled at me; I should tip the poor guy for doing all this.

  “Sure.” He replied.

  “Who sent me this gift?”

  “Oh!” Frankie’s face lit up as though he just remembered something. He ran to his delivery van and came back in with a card. “I almost forgot this, I’m so sorry ma’am.”

  I politely smiled,

  “It’s okay,” I took the card out of his hand.

  As I opened the card, the lullaby Greensleeves started to play. It brought an ache to my chest for a second, but I read on.

  I could never give you Jude back,

  but I can give you something he always wanted us to get.

  Along with naming him his favorite dessert. Certain memories torture me but because you are his mother, you have the right to preserve his memories; this song, this card…Jude’s song, you can have for yourself.

  Enjoy Brownie.

  Carson

  My mind was blank. Everything in me wanted to scream but what for? I didn’t even notice when Frankie left or when I sat on the couch. All I could think of was how Carson was able to heal with Jude being gone. How was he able to not trust me or make me jealous yet put me first? Did I deserve him?

  I know that some women would say to me that I should act as if he deserves me but come on, I know when I’ve fucked up much more than the next person. I know when stupidity and the repercussions of my actions are staring me in the face. I was a Di’Maggio and when we were wrong, we owned up to it. My father taught me that and so did my mother. I realized where I made the mistake when Carson threatened me to stay; I obeyed him, I cowered to him and his threats. I let him know that I feared him momentarily, but he hated that. Carson has never liked weak women and I sure as hell am not weak. We both went through a messed-up situation and we can never get our son back no matter what we do but we owe it to Jude. I owe it to Jude to protect the only man I have left in my life that loves me as much as Jude did.

  Others would say, oh you have your father and brothers… Of course, I do. I love them dearly, but they won’t ever love me the way Carson and Jude loved me. They won’t smile at me the way they did. I accept now that I will never be able to hear my precious baby boy call me mommy but that didn’t mean I couldn’t preserve his memories. Memories. That word hurt me because Carson said there were certain memories that tortured him, and I knew it had something to do with the song in the card. His words that day, in the shower, don’t fucking hum that lullaby. You have no right. Fuck. We had to fix this. We had to fix us, and I knew what the first step would be, being Carson’s friend. I didn’t simply walk away from my husband, I walked away from my best friend. He not only lost his wife that night, but he also lost his best friend, his companion, someone he could be himself with. I had abandoned him as his mother had done. He loved her and he also loved me but we both hurt him. We both left and never looked back letting him nurse his own broken heart. Shit, that’s so fucked up on so many levels. I shook my head as I held Brownie close to me. I kissed his tiny head and whispered,

  “He needed a friend more than anything else in this world and it’s time I act like one.”

  ****

  Cassie coming by a bit later made me happy and got me to forget for a little bit. I sat back, laughing with her as she shared her stories of how she met her husband Jason. He was a real estate agent, a big one from the looks of it.

  “It’s nice to see you again Cassie, I mean it and I’m glad you ditched those little fuckboys. You were a hot ass mess in high school.”

  I laughed along with her. She still looked relatively the same, if anything, she looked even better.

  “Girl, shut the hell up. Listen, we all didn’t get the Bubba McDermott in high school or the perfect love story.”

  I chuckled, shaking my head at her.

  “Bubba and I have had our shares of issues, it’s life.”

  She just stared at me for a moment as if waiting for more, but I didn’t want to talk to her about anything involving Carson and me. I just felt like I didn’t know her anymore to really dish out all my business.

  “Well, how about we take a little drive and get some food on me? I haven’t seen you in so long.”

  I smiled at her, then glanced at Brownie who was asleep on my lap.

  “I don’t want to leave him all alone,” I said but I wasn’t sure if I was talking about Brownie or Carson.

  Cassie nodded,

  “I understand, and don’t worry, we can just go for a coffee near the Starbs that I saw coming here. Tell me you still love it? It’s your favorite.”

  I lightly chuckled.

  “I do. Let’s go and this way, Brownie here can get a walk-in or two.”

  ****

  Carson

  I have some news.

  Those words made me so uncomfortable and when my father told me what he found out, I lost it all. Everything in me wanted to kill. His words replayed in my mind.

  “It took us so long, Bubba,” my father said to me as he sat across from me.

  He had sent me a message to fly out to France from Prague since he had business there. Now, I sat in his private jet as he wore an impeccable suit. My father was not the normal type of enforcer that everyone expected him to be. He looked more like a businessman and that’s what fooled those around him especially his marks. Dad came from old money, yet he never stopped working to make more. I stared into the same amber eyes I inherited from him, neck length dark brown hair that had a hint of salt and pepper. His beard was also the same as his hair but that was all the indication of how old he was. He didn’t look a day over forty which threw a lot of people off when they saw him and I. They wondered if dad had me when he was really young, but I had to explain to them that this man was pushing sixty. I snapped out of it and stared at him,

  “What are you implying’?” I questioned.

  “Jude,” as he said my son’s name, I gasped. “Do you know
a guy named Ricardo Estevez?”

  I tilted my head in confusion,

  “no, am I supposed to?”

  He no longer looked me in my eyes as he continued to talk, and my father never did that.

  “He’s your mama’s husband. Well, when you first met em’, he was her boyfriend. You may not remember em’ then but before I knew about you. Before I-,” he shut his eyes. I understood his turmoil. “took you from them sons of bitches and their abusive ways towards you. He was a so-called well-known man with connections. At the time, Carlie thought I didn’t make enough, so she cheated on me with em’ and left without lookin’ back. Called me a country boy who knew absolutely nothin’ bout nothin’ but that was on er’ because I knew so much. Anyways, got the news from a client, Ronan O’Brien that word on the streets was that Ricardo the Lil’ bitch owed money at the time that you were at USC so he lied to whoever said that you, his son could pay.”

  My brows shot up,

  “his son?”

  Dad shook his head.

  “Don’ ask. Long story short, he thought you were his but when he saw me and how we look alike, it was evident, you weren’t.”

  My blood began boiling,

  “You mean to tell me that he thought I was his son and still put his hands on me? Both of em’ took turns hittin’ me!”

  I gritted my teeth trying not to lose it.

  My father turned to face me, the regret and remorse in his eyes calmed me down.

  “I’m sorry,” he apologized again. “I’m sorry I didn’ find out bout you til’ much later. I wish I knew about you when you were a baby. I would have taken you then and figured it out just like I did when you were five. I regret not killin’ Ricardo now. He hurt my son and now, I’ve learned he had a hand in taking my grandson from me. He also took my daughter-in-law from me too. Look how much shit they’ve caused you. You don’ trust yourself or ya wife.”