Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

  Sarah and Paul

  Paul was a quiet, withdrawn man who was not very comfortable with closeness. The mother-son-girlfriend triangle served him well because it basically left him out of this intense family dynamic and kept him and his wife focused on parental rather than marital issues. When Sarah stopped focusing her major “worry energy” on her son, she and Paul came face to face with the distance and dissatisfaction that each of them experienced in their marriage, and they were forced to pay closer attention to their own relationship. As a consequence, Sarah and Paul informed Jerry that he was to move out because they were getting older and wanted to enjoy some time and space for themselves. Jerry did find his own apartment, but he still attempted to hang on harder to test out whether his parents really meant business. When Jerry learned that they had no plans to take him back in and that they were managing just fine without him, he began to put his energy into coming to grips with his own pattern of multiple failures at work and in relationships.

  Focusing on a “problem child” can work like magic to deflect awareness away from a potentially troubled marriage or a difficult emotional issue we may have with a parent or grandparent. Children have a radarlike sensitivity to the quality of their parents’ lives and they may unconsciously try to help the family out through their own underfunctoning behavior. The “difficult child” is often doing his or her very best to solve a problem for the family and keep anxiety-arousing issues from coming out in the open.

  Sarah and Sarah

  Sarah’s focus on Jerry and Julie also protected her from thinking about her own life goals. When she removed herself from the old triangle, she was suddenly confronted by some serious questions: What were her current priorities? What goals did she want to pursue at this point in her life? Sarah came face to face with her own self. How easy it is to avoid this challenge of self-confrontation by keeping our emotional energy narrowly focused on men and children, just as society encourages us to do.

  If you are directing your primary emotional energy toward an underfunctioning family member, have you ever wondered where all that worry energy or anger energy would go if that individual was off the map? When Sarah stopped busying herself with her son’s life, she began to worry about her own. Jerry, in turn, began to worry about his.

  TASKS FOR THE DARING AND COURAGEOUS

  Jog, meditate, ventilate, bite your tongue, silently count to ten . . .

  There is no shortage of advice about what you can do with anger in the short run. Some experts will tell you to get it out of your system as quickly as possible and others offer different advice. In the long run, however, it is not what you do or don’t do with your anger at a particular moment that counts. The important issue is whether, over time, you can use your anger as an incentive to achieve greater self-clarity and discover new ways to navigate old relationships. We have seen how getting angry gets us nowhere if we unwittingly perpetuate the old patterns from which our anger springs.

  If you are serious about making a change in a relationship, you may want to read this book more than once. The important how-to-do-it lessons are contained in each woman’s story. It is up to you to connect these with your own life. The patterns I have described are universal among women and you have undoubtedly recognized yourself many times. Nonetheless, you may initially feel discouraged when you try to move differently in your relationships. When you are in the dance, it is especially difficult to observe the broader pattern and change your own part. In this chapter I will suggest a few tasks to help you review some of what you have learned, add to your understanding of triangles and circular dances, and test out your ability to move differently in relationships. You may want to get together with a friend or form a group with other women who have read this book and who share your new vocabulary and insights.

  PRACTICING OBSERVATION

  Begin to observe your characteristic style of managing anger. Do you turn anger into tears, hurt, and self-doubt, as Karen did with her boss? Do you alternate between silent submission and nonproductive blaming, as Maggie did with her mother? We all have predictable patterned ways of managing anger and conflict, though they may vary in different relationships. For example, when conflict is about to surface, you may fight with your mother, distance from your father, underfunction with your boss, and pursue your boyfriend.

  Give some thought to your usual style of negotiating relationships when anxiety and stress are high. My own pattern goes something like this: When stress mounts, I tend to underfunction with my family of origin (I forget birthdays, become incompetent, and end up with a headache, diarrhea, a cold, or all of the above); I overfunction at work (I have advice for everyone and I am convinced that my way is best); I distance from my husband (both emotionally and physically); and I assume an angry, blaming position with my kids.

  If you are having difficulty labeling your own style, use the following as a guide:

  PURSUERS

  react to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship.

  place a high value on talking things out and expressing feelings, and believe others should do the same.

  feel rejected and take it personally when someone close to them wants more time and space alone or away from the relationship.

  tend to pursue harder and then coldly withdraw when an important person seeks distance.

  may negatively label themselves as “too dependent” or “too demanding” in a relationship.

  tend to criticize their partner as someone who can’t handle feelings or tolerate closeness.

  DISTANCERS

  seek emotional distance or physical space when stress is high.

  consider themselves to be self-reliant and private persons—more “do-it-yourselfers” than help-seekers.

  have difficulty showing their needy, vulnerable, and dependent sides.

  receive such labels as “emotionally unavailable,” “withholding,” “unable to deal with feelings” from significant others.

  manage anxiety in personal relationships by intensifying work-related projects.

  may cut off a relationship entirely when things get intense, rather than hanging in and working it out.

  open up most freely when they are not pushed or pursued.

  UNDERFUNCTIONERS

  tend to have several areas where they just can’t get organized.

  become less competent under stress, thus inviting others to take over.

  tend to develop physical or emotional symptoms when stress is high in either the family or the work situation.

  may become the focus of family gossip, worry, or concern.

  earn such labels as the “patient,” the “fragile one,” the “sick one,” the “problem,” the “irresponsible one.”

  have difficulty showing their strong, competent side to intimate others.

  OVERFUNCTIONERS

  know what’s best not only for themselves but for others as well.

  move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits.

  have difficulty staying out and allowing others to struggle with their own problems.

  avoid worrying about their own personal goals and problems by focusing on others.

  have difficulty sharing their own vulnerable, underfunctioning side, especially with those people who are viewed as having problems.

  may be labeled the person who is “always reliable” or “always together.”

  BLAMERS

  respond to anxiety with emotional intensity and fighting.

  have a short fuse.

  expend high levels of energy trying to change someone who does not want to change.

  engage in repetitive cycles of fighting that relieve tension but perpetuate the old pattern.

  hold another person responsible for one’s own feelings and actions.

  see others as the sole obstacle to making changes.

  As we have seen, women are trained to be pursuers and underfunctioners with men except in the areas of housework, child work, and fe
eling work, where we may overfunction with a vengeance. Men characteristically distance under relationship stress and are excused, if not rewarded, for this style. Both sexes blame, but women may do it more conspicuously than men, and for very good reasons indeed. These reasons include our deep-seated anger about our culturally prescribed de-selfed and one-down position, combined with the taboos against recognizing and directly protesting our subordinate status, as well as our fear and guilt about the potential loss of a relationship. Barbara’s blaming, underfunctioning position with her husband, who refused to “allow” her to attend the anger workshop (Chapter 2), was the first of many examples illustrating how blaming both protests and protects the status quo and how it differs from effectively taking a stand.

  In thinking about your own patterns of response, remember that none of the above categories are good or bad, right or wrong. They are simply different ways of managing anxiety. You will have a problem, however, if you are in an extreme position in any one of these categories or if you are unable to observe and change your pattern when it is keeping you angry and stuck.

  Begin to observe other people’s characteristic style of managing anger and negotiating relationships under stress. How does their style interact with your own? For example, if you are an overfunctioner who lives or works in close quarters with another overfunctioner, you may admire each other’s competence when anxiety is low. When anxiety is high, however, there may be some head-banging and locking of horns regarding the question of who’s in charge, who’s in control, and who has the right answers. (“Why did you go ahead and make a decision without consulting me!”) The most likely candidates for this pattern might be two firstborns, especially if each has a same-sex younger sibling. If you are an underfunctioner in a love or work relationship with another underfunctioner, each party may be angrily accusing the other of not assuming enough responsibility or simply not doing enough. Perhaps the bills aren’t getting paid or no one wants to get out of bed when the baby cries. When overfunctioners and underfunctioners—or distancers and pursuers—pair up, we have seen the kind of escalating pattern that gets set in motion under stress.

  Get as much practice as you can observing the interactional sequences in which your anger is embedded. That is, when things get hot, step back a bit in order to keep track of who does what, when . . . and then what. Observing is a skill that is definitely worth developing before you attempt to perform a daring and courageous act!

  CHOOSING A COURAGEOUS ACT

  Make a plan to do something different with your anger in a relationship—something that is not in keeping with your usual pattern. Using the earlier chapters as a guide, choose one small, specific task that you can calmly carry out and maintain when the countermoves begin and your own anxiety mounts. Anticipate the other person’s reaction and what you will do then. Even if you don’t hold your ground, moving differently in a relationship is the best way to learn about your own self and the relationship. Only after you begin to change a relationship can you really see it. Here are some examples:

  BREAKING OUT OF A CIRCULAR DANCE

  If you are pursuing a distancer in a romantic relationship or marriage, carefully reread Chapter 3, which describes how Sandra broke out of the pursuit cycle with Larry. If you are overfunctioning for a child, reread Chapter 8, focusing on the changes that Mr. and Ms. Kesler made in their relationships with their children. If you are in an underfunctioning position with your partner, go back to Stephanie’s relationship with Jane (Chapter 7) or Barbara’s dilemma with her husband (Chapter 2). Decide in advance on a length of time (for example, three weeks) that you will hold to a new position and see what happens.

  DEFINING A SELF

  Think of one or two ways in which you can more clearly define who you are with family members, without criticizing or trying to change them and without becoming defensive when anxiety mounts. For some of us, sharing our competence and strength is a move toward defining a whole, more balanced self. For others, a more courageous move may be to let others know that we have been depressed lately and that we are struggling with work or with a relationship. Stating a clear difference of opinion and standing behind it in a relationship where we have been the accommodating partner is another significant move toward defining a self. The more we work on this task, the clearer our thinking about our anger and how best to make it work for us.

  MOVING AGAINST CUTOFFS

  If you have been emotionally cut off from a family member, it can be an act of courage simply to send a birthday card or holiday greeting. Keep in mind that people—like other growing things—do not hold up well in the long run when severed from their roots. If you are emotionally disconnected from family members, you will be more intense and reactive in other relationships. An emotional cutoff with an important family member generates an underground anxiety that can pop up as anger somewhere else. Be brave and stay in touch.

  MOVING SLOWLY AND THINKING SMALL

  If you are feeling angry, think very carefully about what new position you want to take before doing anything. By its very nature anger propels us into quick action, so guard against this. You will only fall on your face if you attempt to take a new position that you are not yet ready to take or that you have only casually thought through.

  Alice was furious with an ex-roommate who had moved to Denver a year ago but was still storing her belongings in Alice’s basement. There was plenty of storage space, but for personal reasons Alice wanted the belongings out and was becoming increasingly angry with the excuses coming from Denver. (“I can’t afford to do it right now.” “The weather is too cold for me to move my stuff.”) Alice had a long history of overfunctioning for her ex-roommate and rescuing her from stressful situations, so this scenario was nothing new.

  After attending an anger workshop that I conducted, Alice enthusiastically rushed home and wrote the following letter to her ex-roommate:

  Dear Leslie,

  I am having a terrible problem with your belongings in my basement. It may be selfish or irrational of me, but for whatever reason, I just can’t live with it any longer. If you do not get your stuff out within three weeks, I am giving everything to the Salvation Army.

  Regretfully,

  Alice

  Leslie did not get her stuff out and Alice gave it to the Salvation Army. Leslie acted furious and despairing, and Alice, in response, became guilty, remorseful, and depressed. It is not that Alice did the wrong thing. The problem was that she too quickly defined and acted on a position that was not comfortable for her. Katy’s struggle to set new limits with her elderly father (Chapter 6) illustrates that it often takes time and effort to define a position that is congruent with our beliefs and values—a position that we can stick to without suffering undue anxiety and guilt when the countermoves start rolling in.

  Remember that women have a long legacy of assuming responsibility for other people’s feelings and for caring for others at the expense of the self. Some of us may care for others by picking up their dirty socks or doing their “feeling work”; some by being less strong, self-directed, and competent than we can be so as to avoid threatening those important to us. Changing our legacy is possible but not easy. Think small to begin with, but think.

  PREPARING FOR RESISTANCE

  As you attempt to shift a pattern, prepare yourself not only for intense reactions from others but also for the inner resistance that you will meet. Elizabeth was a twenty-nine-year-old lawyer who had been chronically angry with her parents, who she felt kept her in a childlike role by refusing to be guests in her home. Whenever they visited her apartment, they would insist on taking her to dinner at a restaurant—and picking up the check, as well. When Elizabeth herself was ready for a change, she found a way to let her parents know that it was important to her to be a hostess to them on her own turf. She cooked them an elegant gourmet dinner that was an undeniable statement of her competence and adulthood, and to her surprise, both her mother and father praised her profusely.

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bsp; The next morning Elizabeth woke up depressed and with a headache. She was beginning to mourn the loss of the old stuck-together bond with her parents that protected her from that funny feeling of separateness and aloneness that accompanies our moving from a fused to a more mature relationship. That same week her father fell on the golf course and ended up with his leg in a cast. You can’t be too prepared for the power of countermoves, as well as your own resistance to change. If you are planning to initiate a more adult, person-to-person relationship with a family member, read the chapter about Maggie and her mother (Chapter 4) several times.

  As you think about this book or discuss it with a friend, you will come up with your own ideas for a bold and courageous act. If anxiety about change is very high in your family or other intimate relationships, you may want to begin working on a relationship that is more flexible and less intense for you, perhaps with a co-worker, neighbor, or friend. Wherever you begin and whatever task you choose for yourself, here is a review of some basic do’s and don’ts to keep in mind when you are feeling angry: