An Intentional Life

by Lisa Kentgen

  The content of your life—who you love and befriend, your lifestyle, what you do for work—makes you happy only when experienced from within. What matters more than the whats of your life is your capacity to savor and be grateful for what is here right now. It is not even the nature of these opportunities, however important they may be, but the fact that you personally perceive them, open to them, help create them, and act upon them.

  By focusing on how you approach your whats and bringing greater awareness to them, you will naturally gravitate toward the whats that are most meaningful to you. This is true in how you choose relationships, how you engage with work, what you do for fun, and how you take care of yourself.

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  Roberta, a vivacious woman, exudes confidence and joie de vivre. She has a high-powered career and a family she cherishes. For years Roberta has experienced conflict between these two aspects of her life. Both family and work are enlivening to her, yet she has difficulty finding energy for both. In the past year, she carved out time in her overly full life for thirty minutes of meditation on most days. This practice ushered in an awareness of how to make more room for all of it—the messiness of her full life. Since she began meditating, Roberta has ease and well-being that until now had eluded her. She is experiencing more moments of deep happiness that she describes in the following way:

  “Even though everything doesn’t always go smoothly or as I would like—not by a long shot!—the difference for me now is that I am aware, almost all of the time, of how fortunate I feel to have this life. And, more than before, I experience it as me having it. I told my husband the other night that I could die tomorrow and be happy, and he thought I was being morbid! I’m not planning on dying soon, and I hope I stay around for a long time. Still, there’s something about how good where I am feels, that I can’t help thinking about death and being OK with it.”

  Roberta is relatively young, in her mid-40s, and probably not close to death. Her husband’s belief that it is morbid to associate deep contentment with death is a common misconception. It is anything but. When we are most present to our life as we are living it, when we are most deeply happy, we are more aware of the finiteness of life, and comfortable with it. This is not morbid at all. It is life-affirming.

  A Curriculum for an Intentional Life

  If I could implement one thing in the world to change it for the better, it might be to have every school adopt a curriculum in developing the quality of presence. Unfortunately, school curriculums don’t typically include guidance in meaningful self-reflection, and in methods to understand what you most value and how to shape life in a way that promotes well-being.

  This curriculum would help children develop skills in contemplative practices, in becoming comfortable directing their attention inward. They would learn to notice what enlivens them and to develop their budding core values, and how to put these values into action. They would develop the skills needed to come to trust their unique internal voice. This kind of exploration, much more than a content-driven curriculum, would help kids ask themselves the most relevant questions and provide a method for seeking answers to those questions. A mandatory part of this curriculum would be to build in time to do nothing, a focused unplugged nothing, to create internal space free from distraction.

  A few years ago, I facilitated a mindfulness group for teenage boys who came from over-crowded, underfunded schools and “at-risk” neighborhoods. The boys were intelligent and had academic promise, but had some catching up to do to help them meet that promise. The umbrella program under which I ran the group provided an environment to help them prepare for entry into good colleges.

  One night in the group I asked the boys about their interests—what types of activities excited them, what kinds of environments they worked best in, what their strengths were. They had not considered these types of questions before, or at least had not had conversations around them. I wasn’t so interested in the what but, rather, the qualities of the whats that could help them understand themselves more. The boys had clear ideas about what they liked and did not like, what they liked about themselves and the personal challenges they had, and spoke animatedly.

  “I’m good at science!” “Oh, man, I hate science, I’m good at math.” “Math is OK but Ms. Smith is a tough teacher.” “I like Mr. Roberts, he knows how to keep us awake and he is funny.” “I make people laugh, even Ms. Smith can’t help but laugh at my jokes.” “I like classes but I can’t stand sitting still for hours every day. I get hyper and need to play ball. I rule the court.” “I like music, I want to be like Jay Z.” “Jay Z, come on, since when can you sing?” “I don’t need to sing, I’ll produce music like my cousin. And have beautiful women around me and you’ll be begging to hang with me, Junior.” “I want to be in charge and not have to listen to adults who think they know what’s best for me. They are always telling you what you got to do different.”

  A quiet, studious member of the group waited until I singled him out and asked him. “I want to go to Harvard or Princeton.”

  I then asked what I thought was a natural follow up. How might they take their skills and interests and use them in the future as adults? Could they imagine ways to do this? I thought the question was generative and interesting. I was wrong. The question flopped and took all the air out of the room. The boys heard it as “What do you want to be when you grow up?” They dutifully responded, by rote, listing various professions.

  My off-the-mark inquiry got me thinking more at length about how to help children become curious about and develop a language for their internal landscape, what enlivens them, what their life mission statement is, how they naturally move in the world. Of course, an understanding of these questions takes time to unfold. Even as adults, if we ask these questions, our answers change and evolve. But the skills to approach these explorations are best developed starting as young as possible!

  These kinds of inquiries are not unlike the ones undertaken in my individual work with clients. I work in the same way with nine-year-olds as I do with eighty-year-olds. The language of exploration may be developmentally different for clients of different ages but the approach is the same.

  Psychotherapy clients often come to this work because they are struggling. Some are experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. Maybe they are having a crisis or radical shift in their life and want skills to navigate through it. As a clinician, I help them with tools to reduce painful and disruptive symptoms. But the method for the deep work of being present and shaping their lives is the same regardless of what brought them through the door.

  Wouldn’t it be amazing if this kind of exploration was not the purview of mindfulness retreats or some types of psychotherapies? The sooner we start to create a language and a method for understanding and developing our unique internal voices, the less likely we will be to hit a wall or have some sort of crisis motivate us to look more closely at our internal landscape.

  Chapter 3

  Distinguish Desire

  from What Makes You Happy

  There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire.

  The other is to gain it.

  George Bernard Shaw

  What you desire and what makes you happy are often different. Standing in a realtor’s window and having a momentary fantasy about an unaffordable dream home is not a problem. Nor is a fantasy about receiving accolades from someone you greatly admire. What gets you into trouble is when you are unaware of the amount of energy being directed toward your desires. That’s the thing about objects of desire: They are easy to get lost in. Problems arise when you believe that fulfilling a desire will lead to an end of craving. When, in reality, it generally perpetuates it. Desires become a trap when you believe you are moving toward what will bring happiness and satisfaction and, instead, you are creating restlessness and dissatisfaction.

  How Desire Can Trap You

  Sebastian chaired an academic
department. He had a longstanding habit of perceiving ways, real or imagined, that he was not respected. The desire to be respected and admired drove Sebastian to succeed. Wanting respect is natural, and it is deserved when we put our best efforts forward. A desire to be admired, though, often comes from not trusting our fundamental worthiness. In other words, we have to prove ourselves and receive external validation to experience ourselves as worthy. This was Sebastian’s trap. In spite of having achieved respect from many, he continued to place disproportionate attention on those circumstances where he felt slighted.

  Now with an awareness of how this deep-seated desire got in the way of his well-being, Sebastian felt discouraged that he had recently gotten riled up over a departmental event. John, a junior colleague, had held a meeting without him to strategize around achieving departmental goals. The goals had been established, in large part, by Sebastian. This was not a crucial meeting, nor was it the best use of Sebastian’s time. John had even come to him with the meeting minutes for his feedback. Sebastian initially experienced this as a challenge to his authority and felt in a one-down position. He knew this feeling was irrational. While intellectually aware that he had asked John to assume increasing responsibility for meeting departmental goals, John’s compliance left Sebastian feeling excluded and challenged. His craving for recognition left him feeling small.

  In the room with me, Sebastian initially berated himself for feeling small. Getting down on himself for being caught in a desire trap did not help. By bringing self-compassion to desire traps, once they are recognized as a source of pain (because they are unquenchable) we are better able to get out of the trap. For Sebastian, bringing awareness to his self-judgment about his trap helped him create internal space, and he was then in a better position to let go of negative feelings.

  With humor, Sebastian acknowledged, “I’ve begun to have some reasonable success at decreasing the number of damn meetings I have to go to! If I cut the number in half I could accomplish just as much and probably even more. And here I am being miserable that John was doing what I asked. Instead of recognizing that he is protecting my time, I viewed it as a personal affront.”

  Because Sebastian had an intentional practice of placing awareness on his internal response to what was happening, he was able to experience the irrational reactivity and let it pass without acting on it. Internally, though, he still reacted, feeling humbled as he shared with me the snarky comments to John that he had played out in his head.

  Through intentional awareness practices, Sebastian could clearly see his experience as being in the grip of craving. He was trapped by a desire for a sense of importance and belonging that could not be fulfilled. He could not undo the painful past experiences in his life that helped create this trap, when he had felt belittled and dismissed. What he could do, now, was recognize when painful feelings from past experiences arose and distorted his perception of what was happening in the present moment.

  With self-compassion Sebastian could now watch his perceptions and feelings around being slighted wash over without judging himself. By getting distance from his trap, he no longer saw his experience as a personal weakness.

  The path to an intentional life requires an awareness of your desires as they are happening. There is no need to judge them. But try not to feed them. It isn’t a problem to try to fulfill your desires. But how much energy and resources do they get? Can you see your desires for what they are, and recognize that they are temporary, whether or not they get fulfilled?

  You may occasionally get trapped by your desires. By intentionally placing awareness on them as they arise, you can see them for what they are, putting them in healthy perspective rather than believing that fulfilling them will end craving or create happiness.

  Which Types of Desire Pull You?

  Desires can be pursued in both healthy and unhealthy ways. It is your relationship to the desire that is important to understand and develop practices around. Below are three categories of desires.

  1. The desire for physical pleasures or material things is familiar to everyone. There is sometimes a fine line between a healthy pursuit of a desire and overvaluing it. If too many of your resources go toward fulfilling a desire, for example by chronic overwork, spending a lot of time thinking about material objects, or defining yourself by your sexual prowess, then you are prioritizing desires over experiences. Try to notice when passion or an appreciation for pleasure tips over into a craving.

  2. There are desires to be something or someone we are not. I want to be fitter, more informed, more relevant, more patient, more whatever. You have to be careful of these desires because they can be mistaken for a healthy desire for self-improvement. These desires come from a position of being not enough and cannot be fulfilled. Perfectionism, the need to be perfect, is this type of desire. This is a trap because it encourages you to compare yourself to others, and even when you feel good enough, this situation is only temporary. The desire to be something other than you are inevitably leads to the dead end of looking outside yourself for validation.

  3. Another desire that can trap you is the desire to get away from, to numb or blunt yourself. We can do this in many different ways: drugs, alcohol, food, video games, shopping, porn, oversleeping, overuse of social media. These desires come from an inability to look at or tolerate what is happening inside. Like the other desires, these can become compulsive or addictive, and physically take on a life of their own.

  The desire for money deserves special mention because it actually represents different types of desires. For example, a preoccupation with money can be a fear of not having enough or being enough. It can be a desire for material wealth, recognition, pleasure, or validation. We live in a culture that can deify wealth in an unhealthy way, so it is easy to give it too much head space. This is perhaps why we are one of the wealthiest countries in the world while also one of the most stressed out, with climbing rates of anxiety and depression.

  Some desires really do serve your highest nature, are in line with what matters most, and make you happy. For example: the desire to feel free, the desire to love and be loved, the desire to be generous, the desire to make a difference in the world.

  Even with healthy higher-level desires, you can still get lost in desire traps. For example, imagine that you work for a non-profit for a cause you believe in deeply. You have taken a pay cut because the work is more in alignment with your core values. This job choice in the service of a higher-level desire does not stop you from craving recognition from others and feeling small when you don’t get it. Another example: You have the desire to be generous with others, but fulfilling the desire is dependent on others admiring your generosity. Generosity not given freely, conditioned on admiration, becomes a trap. And still another example: You value practicing meditation or mindfulness, but it’s important for you to be viewed as someone who is highly evolved. In this way, even meditation can become a trap.

  When tremendous energy goes to fulfilling your desires, and you believe these desires will give you something more or deeper, you will feel restless and as if something is missing. Your awareness of all that is here, right now, is dimmed.

  A healthy relationship to desires is to respect and enjoy them, open to them without getting lost in them. Give them some energy without giving them too much of yourself. You don’t need to act on every desire in order to open to them. Denying desire is also unhealthy because they are a natural part of being in your body. Allowing room for desires, with an intention to understand them and their impact, leads to a greater understanding of yourself. In an intentional life, desires are enjoyed without being chased. They aren’t confused with what brings lasting happiness.

  Chasing Desire: Blind to the Forest Through the Trees

  Pam grew up a “good girl,” a straight-A student who listened to her parents. She craved her father’s approval but couldn’t remember ever having received it. She learned from a young age to take care of her mother’s
emotional needs. Striving to do everything right was her characteristic style in childhood. When she got to college, she experienced herself as a completely different person, partying heavily and feeling empowered by being both sexual and sexually desired.

  Pam’s desire became a trap because, while she did enjoy being sexually free, she was unaware that what she really longed for was the experience of being special to someone. She didn’t give this much conscious thought and assumed someday she’d meet the right person for her and settle down. Yet an unexamined belief was thwarting her happiness. This belief was that she would never meet someone who would love her just as she was.

  Now in her thirties, Pam wondered why she wasn’t meeting anyone she found special who found her special in return. She was still chasing physical desire as a form of connection, hoping it would lead to deeper intimacy. Of course, Pam’s enjoyment of her sexuality wasn’t interfering with her relationship aspirations, but her approach to desire was. She often drank heavily on first dates and enjoyed sexual banter with someone she just recently met. By mixing up desire with a longing to meaningfully connect, Pam was unconsciously perpetuating her belief that the men she was interested in desired her sexually but did not wish to pursue a more significant relationship.

  By placing awareness on her desires and how she pursued them, Pam understood how she conflated desire with deeper connection, and how doing so left her frustrated and increasingly hopeless.

  In contrast to Pam’s romantic life, she approached friendships in ways that led to rich connections and deep bonds. These same skills extended to colleagues and clients where she felt valued. In these relationships, Pam was open without giving too much away. She initially presented her best self and left others curious to know more. She was more judicious about how she revealed herself. Being judicious is different from being guarded.