An Intentional Life

by Lisa Kentgen

  Within a month, Liam returned to a state of contentment. Rather than perceiving his earlier reactivity as a problem, he now understood it as an important source of information. He used the experience of reactivity to deepen his commitment to act with intention and to take meaningful risks. For Liam, this meant challenging his style of taking on too much, and being willing to let go of activities. He received an overwhelmingly positive response from others. But this was not guaranteed. Liam’s willingness to challenge his way of acting in the world, because it interfered with his well-being, transformed his experience of himself and created openness to options he had not before considered.

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  If you can be a more intentional actor just 5 percent of the time, it will make a difference. This will set the foundation to act with greater intention 10 percent of the time, which is transformative. You will have greater clarity on how and when to act. If you are proactive rather than reactive, even when things aren’t going how you would like, you will not find yourself in a state of waiting for things to get better. You will continue to take meaningful action in ways that serve your interests. You aren’t invested in any particular outcome because you know that, regardless of the results of any particular action, you are empowered to act on your own behalf.

  Chapter 12

  Focus on the Effort, Not

  the Outcome

  Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment;

  full effort is full victory.

  Mahatma Gandhi

  All outcome is uncertain. We often resist this truth. When we do, we suffer.

  Intentional action requires holding lightly to the wish that things will happen in a particular way. You’ve heard the dictum “it’s the journey, not the destination.” But letting go of a strong attachment to the results of our actions does not come naturally to most of us. It is easy to cling to wanting what we have worked hard to attain.

  Holding lightly to outcome means that while you maintain a clear vision that guides your actions, you loosen the grip of desire on what happens as a result of the action. Focusing on the effort, not the result, is a skill that requires practice to develop. With practice, you’ll act with greater flexibility, which then makes you a more effective actor.

  A metaphor to help you act with intention is to think of your life like a long, meandering river. The path of the river is not a straight line–-it changes as it meets rock and picks up sediment. The river’s edges and water levels are in frequent flux. It grows larger as it collects water from tributaries and streams. Over time the river creates a wide valley so that it can flow unimpeded to meet the ocean, which is its destination. In an intentional life, think of your destination as becoming your most authentic version of yourself. Like the river, your life branches off in different directions as you make choices and take action. Your life course shifts in ways you can’t predict or control as you encounter opportunities and challenges. While you know the general direction you are headed, it is folly to try to dictate the specific course beforehand. As you practice wise effort, your actions enable you to more effectively impact your life, paving the way to move with greater ease within a life that fully embodies what you value.

  We Live in a Culture Obsessed With Winning

  The frequent adages about staying present and enjoying the process are at odds with a cultural obsession with winning. There is pressure to accumulate accomplishments and be number one. This is so prevalent that we can conflate accomplishments that are the result of ongoing meaningful effort from those that are, for example, resume padding. A number of years ago, while working in a university research clinic, I occasionally hired research assistants. Most of the resumes I received were from young adults just out of college. I saw a number of five to ten page single-spaced resumes. Sure, they got bad advice on how to write a resume. But the bulky documents also reflected the excessive pressure to report long lists of accomplishments by the time they graduate college. There is pressure to be an expert before you have had the time to develop expertise.

  Our cultural obsession with a winning outcome is nearly ubiquitous. Take for example the passionate frenzy over professional sports teams. There is nothing like an exciting, nail-biting, down-to-the-wire match-up. The only thing better is a close game that your beloved team wins. But the amount of money invested in sports teams is, in a large part, due to our obsession with winning. It is as if winning a game, or a championship, validates our worthiness. If some cities invested as much into transforming their schools as they do in subsidizing professional sports arenas, imagine the number of quieter, and lasting, success stories that would result.

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  How do you act on your own behalf and not be attached to outcome? It doesn’t serve to be a relativist in relation to your aspirations. You are attached to results when you believe they will add to your life in a meaningful way. That is why it is more helpful to think about holding lightly to the particular outcome you want rather than practicing non-attachment. The challenge is to get perspective on, and distance from, your attachments.

  If you really want something, set a high bar and go for it! Be directed and persistent in your actions. Then, develop a certain engaged detachment about how things unfold. Know that your goals will likely unfold in ways other than you imagine. And let that be interesting, not a problem.

  When things don’t work out the way you want, it can be difficult to have faith that, ultimately, things will turn out alright. You sometimes need external validation to feel OK about how you are doing. Everyone needs positive reinforcement. But it is not always available. And sometimes it is available but not in a way you recognize. By looking for the success or “the win,” it can place you at a disadvantage, making it more difficult to skillfully act over time. This is why a cultural obsession with winning does not bring out the best in any of us, even when we “win.”

  It is sometimes difficult to know when something is working, if you are making progress and need to stay at it. Likewise, it can be hard to know when something is not working and it’s time to let go and redirect your efforts. Most successful endeavors have had setbacks and disappointments. How do you know when to hang in there if things are not going according to plan? How do you stay invested without giving too much away? There is no best answer to these questions. But if you value effort over outcome, you will have greater confidence in your ability to answer them.

  How to Act in the Face of Doubt

  Gary left his job in the entertainment industry and took a year to travel around the world. This experience opened his eyes to how driven he had been in his career and how little joy it had brought him. He had focused exclusively on climbing the corporate ladder without reflecting on how to meaningfully get there. Gary now wanted a fundamentally different relationship to work, one that matched his clarified values. He decided that he could not return to his company. He now wanted to bring his skills to a company that made a positive impact in the world and valued its employees’ well-being as central to its mission.

  Gary discovered that his skills were not as transferrable as he hoped. He anticipated the need to work for a lower salary, but nothing was materializing that paid any stable salary whatsoever. He needed to earn an income that would help him live simply in New York City—no small task. Gary persisted and had some real possibilities. Yet after six months with no job offer, he was anxious and deflated.

  Making a radical change in lifestyle, like Gary was trying to do, takes a leap of faith and persistence. This is true whether that change is primarily internal or external. There is often a crisis of faith. There are not ready-made models or opportunities. You must create them. When you most need encouragement it can be hard to find. At these times, it is important to know that you aren’t alone. The feeling of being lost comes with the territory. It is easy to start telling yourself a story that other people have made these transitions more successfully and with greater ease. When this happens, the story
becomes about your failure or your unworthiness. The story may be about fairness or unfairness. Be aware of these unhelpful stories that thwart your ability to stay the course.

  Gary gradually built a small internet business in order to pay his bills while he continued to pursue a purposeful relationship to work. Gary did not initially view the work in his side business as meaningful. He actually experienced it as drudgery. But when he recognized that the business was a good fit for him at that moment, because it helped him accomplish other valued goals, he found meaning in it. He limited his time commitment to this business because he wanted to keep sight of working in the kind of company he envisioned. But he no longer resisted this work and even found it engaging at times.

  This is an example of Gary practicing intentional action and learning to hold lightly to a particular outcome. He moved from feeling lost to honing his actions in ways that furthered his aspirations. As Gary practiced holding his desired outcomes lightly, he was better able to recognize and be heartened by changes he was gradually making and took further action to build on them. For over two years, he felt encouraged at times, yet discouragement was often just around the corner. During those two years, he continued to occasionally feel lost and, at times, wondered if his vision for the kind of life he wanted was unattainable. But he persisted; practicing direct reflection, taking small steps, and learning from the outcome. Gary came to appreciate the length of time it can take to lay the groundwork for pervasive, qualitative change. In so doing, he valued the small steps he took as he understood their importance.

  Did Gary find a place in the kind of company he envisioned? He did, but not in the way he had imagined. Through trying to solve some issues with his internet company, he met some entrepreneurs with a creative model of delivering services. Gary found their work to be meaningful and, while they didn’t have the finances to hire him, he now has a small stake in the company by providing his services to them. He is hopeful that the company will grow and, when it does, there will be a central place for him.

  Focus on What’s Here Right Now

  Being an intentional actor means understanding where and when to act. The key to wise effort is to understand what is here for you right now. And, importantly, it means redirecting energy away from what is not possible at this moment in time. Sometimes you won’t know what is here for you until you take action.

  The following is a sequence to help you practice wise effort. First, take intentional action and put out, clearly, what you would like. Then pause and assess the results of your action. Take further intentional action in response to what is unfolding in the present moment. Don’t be afraid to go for what you want. Don’t hold back from investing your time and resources. Again, take a step and see the response that you get. Don’t try to force a response. If you get a response in kind, take another step.

  As an example, Gary expressed his desire to transfer his skills to a company he found inspiring and got rejected from all to which he applied. If he wanted to continue to pursue this dream he needed a new approach. What Gary discovered is true for many of us; finding a way to transfer skills often means we have to create opportunity.

  Apply for your dream job. If you don’t get it, pause and assess if taking further action—like pursuing education or gaining different experience—would be helpful or possible. If so, do so. Formal education, though, is often not as helpful as experience, and it can seem impossible to get the needed experience. Holding lightly to outcome often means exploring models of creating opportunity that are not obvious. Sometimes it takes multiple actions, over a longer period of time, to increase the chances of opportunity presenting itself.

  Another example, you are dating someone who is available but who does not seem as enthusiastic as you are. How much time do you spend waiting to see if his or her interest changes? The answer depends on if you are in a state of waiting. If so, and you can’t step out of this state, then it is often healthiest to step away before investing further. If you can hold lightly and be sincerely open to others who are fully present to you right now, there is no harm in seeing what unfolds with the person who doesn’t share your enthusiasm. But, as will be seen later in the example of Dyanna it can be easy to fall into a state of waiting that interferes with meaningful action.

  As a final example: What about an established relationship, an old friendship, or even a partnership, which has lost its closeness and is unhappy? How much do you keep investing? You don’t take stepping away from a relationship which once worked lightly. But you can’t keep acting with intention in a relationship if it is not mutual. There is no clear answer about whether to stay or leave, but the approach is the same. Take action by being clear about what you want. If you would like to reestablish closeness, aspire to it, communicate it clearly, and be willing to show up for it yourself. Take a small measurable step. Then see what comes back to you. If you take action and the other person responds, but not in the way you would like, then pause, reevaluate and take another step. Can you take small steps and build your way back to closeness together? When you approach the relationship in this way, you will both have greater clarity about whether this relationship can regain its intimacy.

  We suffer when we take action to make something come about that we cannot control. When we don’t get the result we want, we can feel helpless and thwarted. We can become angry and impatient. It can be easy to double down and try to make something happen or, through inaction, wait for something to happen. Neither of these two approaches is helpful.

  Holding lightly is not the same as feigning disinterest or being noncommittal. Some people confuse holding lightly as a way of playing a situation—which is another way of holding tightly to a particular outcome. Holding tight to a desired outcome leads to distorting and misinterpreting information so that you can still hold onto what is not here for you. The belief that if you just keep trying harder—or that by waiting longer—it may come is a common misconception. It wastes far more time than the practice of holding lightly, feeling the pain of disappointment, and redirecting energy to the real possibilities that are right here now.

  When your efforts are not met with the outcome you want, it is natural to feel disappointment. Disappointment can be overcome if you respond skillfully to it. A disappointing outcome is not a reflection on your character or a personal affront. As you develop practices around wise effort, you will have plenty of opportunity to experience disappointment and move on! Don’t underestimate how important this practice is—experiencing the disappointment and moving on. How you respond to missteps and disappointments is key in being an effective actor. This is more important than initial successes.

  When you are disappointed, you have the opportunity to examine your expectations. Expectations around outcomes you can’t control impair your ability to take meaningful action. Have hopes, have vision—but let go of expectations. When you do, your mind is nimble and open to the greatest range of possibility.

  When to Persist and When to Move On

  Dyanna, a dynamic woman in her late twenties, had a best friend named Dan who was slightly older. She was in a state of waiting in her friendship with Dan. Close confidants, they knew each other for over one year and had never been romantic. They shared a sensibility and humor. When Dan traveled for work, he called Dyanna regularly. They supported each other’s careers; often bouncing ideas off of each other. Dyanna wanted more from their relationship. She knew that Dan cared for her but didn’t know if he had thought about taking their relationship to another level. After a year, when Dan had still not shown romantic interest, Dyanna told herself that she needed to start dating. When she did, she compared every person to Dan. As a result, no relationship had a chance to get out of the starting gate. Dyanna recognized that her feelings for Dan were limiting her. She did want the possibility of finding a partner—if not Dan, then someone else.

  Dyanna held tightly to her fantasies about a different kind of relationship with Dan
but took no action to see if it was possible. This not only kept her in a state of waiting, it also resulted in her friendship with him, which meant a lot to her, paling in comparison to her fantasies.

  Dyanna recognized that she needed to take action in her relationship with Dan in order to know what was possible and move on if need be. Though it was difficult at first, she became willing to let go of fantasies of a romantic partnership in order to open to what was actually possible between them. Dyanna gathered the courage to tell Dan she was open to more than friendship with him. The conversation was awkward. Dan told Dyanna that he did love her and valued her friendship. He shared with her that he had questioned himself why he wasn’t open to taking the relationship to another level. He just knew he didn’t feel that it was the right step to take. He was grateful that what was unspoken was now out in the open between them. Dan hoped he wouldn’t lose Dyanna as a dear friend. She told him she also valued his friendship and hoped they could remain friends.

  Dyanna felt sadness—and also relief. Her deepest sadness was that she had kept herself in a state of waiting for nearly two years by valuing fantasy over what was real and here for her. Along with sadness, she also felt energized that she had taken action to free herself from the state of waiting. This intentional, and difficult, action ushered in sincere openness to other people. She could now imagine the possibility of a relationship with someone other than Dan.