An Intentional Life

by Lisa Kentgen

  I asked Jane to think of a time when she didn’t, or nearly didn’t, meet a deadline at work. Interestingly, she perked up as she shared her resourcefulness at meeting the necessary deadlines. She thrived under pressure and prided herself on her ability to get things in under the wire. When thinking about it this way, Jane recognized that she wasn’t allowing Stefan to learn to monitor his own progress. Her fear loosened its grip and she could make more room for Stefan. Jane should still monitor his homework. Yet an allowing practice for Jane meant holding more lightly to how she does that.

  Several months later, Stefan continued to complete his assignments. Jane actively practiced allowing by letting Stefan experiment with how he approached his job (school). Jane recognized the importance of communicating more frequently to Stefan around what he did well. Homework was important but outcome was not the only important thing. Jane now tried to guide Stefan to be more supportive of himself. His high expectations got in the way of his finding satisfaction in the effort he put into his work. Jane recognized that how he felt about himself as he worked was more important than a homework assignment.

  Jane’s practice of allowing Stefan to learn about shaping his own life ushered in greater ease between them. This is a benefit of allowing room for the other’s experience in all relationships.

  Chapter 15

  At the End of the Search

  is Abundance

  The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for

  our wits to grow sharper.

  Eden Phillpotts

  The Rewards of an Intentional Life

  “I’m trusting a state of being I’m not accustomed to, now that I’m convinced it’s there. It is a part of myself I haven’t before accessed in this way.”

  “I want to trust myself because it is clear now that I can trust what’s there. And, without being self-conscious about it, I can give myself the opportunity to approach things differently.”

  “There is a kind of “just-enough” conscious awareness to allow me to dip down into aspects of myself I don’t generally access. I feel more “me.” The external world is responding to it, to me! I once thought self-analysis was the most important kind of knowing. But this is a different knowing, a deep awareness of myself and the world without so much thinking. I understand how I can move in alignment with myself, and the world, more of the time.”

  “It’s like putting a puzzle together—the pieces that I did not think belonged to me now fit perfectly into this new way of experiencing myself.”

  Above are descriptions of the experience of living in a state of abundance. A thread that runs through them is a clear awareness of transformation. There is a sense of having arrived at a place that has always existed. Like the metaphor of life as the long, meandering river, eventually meeting up with the ocean—transformation is a return to our most authentic version of ourselves. We just didn’t know it before or understand that we could access it through our own wise effort.

  The pillars of intentional living explored in this book lay the groundwork for the experience of abundance, which presents itself when you know how to look. You can only arrive at abundance when you stop striving. It is this state of abundance that brings joy and makes life precious.

  The qualities of residing in the state of abundance include a sense of plenitude, volition, and gratitude.

  Plenitude is the experience of being full or complete. You experience plenitude when you know that you are whole and worthy just as you are. The same goes for what is happening externally. You have a sense that things are just as they need to be. This is true even in times of upheaval and even as you take action to change the conditions that exist. You experience a sense of possibility and of being ready to receive good things. In this state, there is a keen awareness of what is here right now and happiness with this realization. Inherent in this experience is a profound sense of contentment and purpose.

  The experience of plenitude may be difficult to access in times of turmoil and great uncertainty. But it is precisely at these times that we have the opportunity to look with fresh eyes and discover new ways of living that are sustainable, in healthy collaboration with the needs of the planet. Misguided cultural views of abundance have caused great disparity and depletion of natural resources. Practicing intention opens you to the experience of plenitude that is not based on material wealth. You have an awareness that you don’t need what you once thought you did. This awareness is freeing. You also want others to have the same experience of plenitude.

  Having volition means that you experience yourself as having agency, able to make choices and act in a way that serves your interests. Living with intention, you understand that your interests are intimately bound to the well-being of others. Volition means that whatever circumstances you are in, no matter how challenging, you can still perceive and exercise choice, which is a powerful awareness. When you act with volition, your actions are influenced and initiated from within. They are not dependent on the immediate external environment because you recognize that what is here now will also pass. Along with this sense of greater agency, you develop an increased awareness of individual responsibility, a responsibility to your core values, to your own well-being, and to the well-being of others.

  Gratitude is the experience of being thankful, the state of appreciation for what is here right now. You can cultivate a state of gratitude without waiting to feel grateful for something in particular. Choose to place your awareness on what you feel grateful for. Give more attention and put more energy into what you have that is bountiful over what is missing. The state of gratitude amplifies your subjective sense of well-being. Expressing gratitude to others generates good feelings and has a positive influence on your relationships.

  The “Aha” of Not-A-Problem

  The recognition of the state of abundance is often expressed as an “aha” moment. It is as if the lights have gone on and you recognize something that was there all along.

  The radical shift that comes with living in a state of abundance is that what were once problems are no longer problems. This is a powerful awareness. The state of abundance allows you to embrace challenges rather than push them away or push through them. You can bring the same internal quality to all of your experiences and allow all experience to enrich you.

  Teresa beautifully described the “aha” of recognizing that she could transform the experience of struggle:

  “It’s an awareness that’s available to me much of the time now. And it enables me this kind of real time feedback. I’m like, ‘What’s happening? Where am I inside?’ For example, today, I was in the conference room working and was getting too revved up. I was able to notice it in real time and take a few minutes to shift gears inside.

  “And it extends to home. Last weekend I felt the effects of a really stressful week—month, actually. On Friday I had a really good night’s sleep. I woke up Saturday feeling good but had a kind of a hangover from stress. I had downloaded a couple of apps to help Alan [Teresa’s son] learn algebra. Alan was whiny and unappreciative. I could feel myself getting cranky and had an awareness of this low-level irritability. Yet, unlike in the past, I just said, ‘Alan, I have to take a break and do something else for half an hour and then I’ll come back.’ I went outside and just putzed around. After half an hour I came back and was fine. This is such a departure from how I operated in the past. In the past, I would have been cranky and struggling and snapping.

  “Now, difficult feelings still come up, but I touch base with myself naturally, automatically. “What’s happening inside?” My internal tools are maybe the same as they were a year ago. The difference is I now trust myself to shift more quickly out of situations that I had seen as a problem. Now, problems aren’t even problems! I can intervene and tweak … instead of having to go into major problem-solving mode which was the only response available to me in the past.”

  Teresa is referring to a qualitatively dif
ferent experience that comes from her newfound ability to tap into a persistent internal awareness. She describes breaking through to something that has always been there. There has been a major perceptual shift that infuses all of her experience. Teresa describes this state as one in which she is more consistently and naturally present. She is aware of her internal states while, at the same time, is less self-preoccupied. This is important and often misperceived. A state of heightened self-awareness is not self-involved, quite the opposite. In this state Teresa is centered within herself while also more aware of her surroundings. She has greater clarity and volition over how to respond to her shifting internal states as well as to the external environment. She is still at times reactive to external events. The radical shift is that, in this state of abundance, Teresa is now able to tap into an internal awareness feedback loop and has greater choice in how she responds. In this way, what were once problems are no longer problems.

  Teresa gave another example. She was recently thrown for a loop when her wife, Joanne, who didn’t work outside the home, applied for a job and told Teresa after the fact. “She jumped from the brainstorming phase to ‘Boom, I’m going to get a job.’”

  Teresa was upset that Joanne hadn’t first explored with Teresa the implications for the family if she went back to work. “Then I went through the day, literally, asking myself ‘What am I reacting to?’ ‘This is how Joanne does things—not in steps like I would, but all in. So, what am I reacting to?’ This question helped me wind down. I got home and wasn’t angry. I was still upset and, to be honest, I had some judgment. I had thoughts like ‘This is a selfish thing for her to do right now. The kids have been growing up with an engaged mom. We both are engaged, but she is always there, and they depend on this. There’s going to be less of her available to them and the change will be abrupt.’ I went through a couple of days with these thoughts.

  “But with access to this more constant awareness, I now had important feedback available. ‘I am angry’ ‘I am projecting onto the kids what they might go through.’ ‘Am I actually reacting to how this will be difficult for me?’ As I was thinking in this new way, I was understanding, in a profound way, that all these things were manageable. Maybe better than the word manageable, there’s more space … there’s room for everything. By the end of the weekend I felt like I still had an opinion on the matter—but it felt respectful of Joanne and her happiness. It felt healthy. I was able to see my way through to ‘You know the kids will adjust, this is what happens.’ And I was even able to see that I have a little more work to do around my judgment.” (Teresa laughs good-naturedly at herself).

  Teresa knows that even with her newfound experience of abundance, there will always be a need for an ongoing commitment to practice intention. But now she also has clear recognition of what is available right now, along with a sense of greater spaciousness. Teresa’s capacity to tap into this internal spaciousness—which is a manifestation of abundance—led to her wanting it for others, especially her wife. She recognized that, in an important way, it didn’t matter what adjustments needed to be made if Joanne returned to work. What mattered was that Joanne felt free to pursue her own way of being authentic.

  Another “aha” for Teresa was the recognition that it is because of these moments of constriction and struggle—perceived from the state of abundance—that she is able to experience new possibilities. What is radical and empowering is that she has a sense of how to transform the experience of struggle and unease, and this awareness brings deep happiness. Teresa recognizes her capacity to love herself, others, and her life more unconditionally.

  Abundance is not mastering the external conditions of your life or your responses to what is happening. It is instead tapping into your ability to reflect, choose, and act in new ways. In Teresa’s transformed way of living, she views challenges as opportunities for “data points” in how her life has radically shifted and how she can continue to evolve.

  “It is really interesting … really helpful … to see how the same experience can be received with a much more insightful overlay, in a sense that this is who I am now. In the past it was, ‘You have to do this to overcome.’ I was reacting to externalities. I now have this profound awareness that it doesn’t have to be this way. All situations that were once upsetting are now like experiments. I’m seeing things through a very different lens. It’s amazing.”

  Final Thoughts

  Practice Intention for

  the Benefit of All

  Living an intentional life is a means of flourishing as a human being. As we live intentionally, we seek to thrive in our conditions as they exist right now. This book is intended to guide you toward deepening your own comprehensive foundation for living. It is an ethics that addresses not only your personal concerns but the concerns of our time. Historically, it has never been clearer that they are part and parcel of the same thing.

  Readers of An Intentional Life: Five Foundations of Authenticity and Purpose may recognize Buddhist practices in these pages, practices which are a beautiful systemic framework that transform lives. They are not the only path. All paths have in common heartfelt individual inquiry, intentional practices, engagement with the concerns of our time, and tolerance of different ways of addressing ultimate concerns.

  If you stay on this path you are committing to not only your own personal welfare but to the well-being of all humans. How you place your awareness, reflect, make choices, and act has repercussions not only for yourself but for others. Intentional practices transform your life, and the world, when they are rooted in compassion. When you practice intentionality in all areas of your personal world, you are doing your part to act on behalf of the world.

  This book lays out the five building blocks of intentional living. While you develop practices in these five core areas—awareness, reflecting, choosing, acting, and allowing—you will also approach the practices in the spirit of intention. The spirit of intention offers the key to staying on the overarching path to intentional living. In other words, intentionality operates on a micro- and macro-level at the same time. It infuses the moments of your life with meaning that transforms you and, potentially, those around you. The spirit of intention motivates you to continue to practice. It focuses your attention, encourages reflection, wise choices and action. It gives you clarity on how and when to take action.

  Carve out time for intentional practices. Protect that time as sacrosanct. Allow the practices to gradually permeate all aspects of your life.

  If you choose to stay on this path, it requires a degree of seriousness—which is only fitting for a commitment to your ultimate concerns. A commitment to living intentionally may mean making difficult decisions. Please don’t let this scare you off. You cannot embody what you most highly value if you don’t use what matters most as a basis for your choices and actions.

  Find ways to continue on this very personal path. In this digital world, you have access to a wonderful range of materials that can support your practices. Take time and find resources that support and deepen your intentional lifestyle. It can be challenging to separate tools that overstate ways to make your life better from tools that help you live with greater intention.

  Ask important questions along the way: “How is this for me?” “Can it add to my ability to live more intentionally?” If you think a tool might be helpful, approach it with intention and test it out.

  The digital community does not replace the benefits of physically joining others to support each other on their individual paths. You may have the same question that many people do, “Now what?” “Where do I find support in my daily life to live in this way?” If there is no visible community to support you on this path, build it yourself. There are many people trying to find support in being authentic. Meet them. Cultivate relationships with them. The tools and supports you find helpful will organically change as you understand your path to intentional living on deeper and more subtle levels. />
  As you become increasingly adept at navigating your internal landscape and directing your life, take pleasure in your ability to skillfully bring intentionality to everything you do. Enjoy trusting your informed intuition to continue to guide you. Savor the abundance that comes from living in this way—and generously share it with others.

  List of Intentional Practices

  Chapter 1 Practices:

  How to Make Core

  Values Central in Your Life

  Awareness:

  • Become aware of two or three personal core values which resonate for you.

  • Can you bring these core values into your awareness more of the time—at work and in your personal relationships?

  • Notice when you are with people who share, and do not share, your core values. Notice the difference in your experience.

  Reflect: