Tell Me It's Real

by TJ Klune

  But now I hated his stupid fucking face because he was standing way too fucking close to my fucking boyfriend who wasn’t doing a fucking thing to move back. They looked awfully chummy standing next to each other, their muscles bunching together like they were going to be sitting on some couch in their near future, talking about how their girlfriends didn’t know they were there, that they’d never really thought about doing anything with another guy, and then deep-throating each other like they’d been sucking cock all their lives.

  And, of course, right then was the moment Vince obviously chose to say something about me, because he pointed up toward the balcony and they both glanced my way. I’m pretty sure they saw me with my crazy “I want to murder you because I’m weirdly jealous” face going on. I attempted to school it quickly and looked away, but not before I saw the flicker of confusion go across Vince’s face and the amused little smile on Darren’s. The fucker.

  Ever-watching, Charlie hadn’t missed this exchange at all. “Give him a little credit,” he chided me. “I’m pretty sure he’s not bored with you yet.”

  “Or maybe I’m the other woman,” I said forlornly. “Or maybe he and Darren have been together for twelve years and I was meant to be a present for Darren’s birthday and we’re going to have a threesome and then they’ll throw me to the curb like a box of unwanted newborn kittens before they go back to their lives, where they’re planning on adopting a Croatian baby named Braslav.”

  “Sometimes I wonder if you should be on medication,” Charlie said. “It can’t be healthy to have you thinking all by yourself without some kind of pharmaceutical intervention.”

  The DJ proceeded to announce Helena, and Charlie trained the spotlight on the curtains while flicking on the video camera. Before she started, he leaned over to me and said, “You’re being summoned.”

  I looked down and saw Vince crooking a finger at me. I thought about shaking my head, but Charlie must have known that I was acting a bit stupid because he kicked my stool and knocked me over. I almost fell to the floor, but instead gracefully stumbled, making it sound like an obese herd of elephants had just been spooked by lions and was trampling up on the balcony to get away. People below looked up as if they expected the roof to come caving down on them, which, to be fair, it probably almost did. Charlie didn’t even have the common decency to look slightly repentant, instead just smirking and waving me away.

  So I started toward the Stairs Of Doom which would lead me to one of the most horrifying experiences of any young gay man’s life: meeting the friends of the new boyfriend. By the time I had reached the halfway point, I’d convinced myself that not only were Darren and Vince butt buddies, but that they had orgies all the time with all the jocky pretending-to-be-straight-to-be-slightly-more-appealing boys and I really was getting Freddie Prinze Juniored and this was going to be the moment that I would stand in the middle of the dance floor, the period ghost up on the balcony, and blood would rain down on top of me like I was Carrie at the prom. Then they would all point and laugh at me, and Vince would be at the front, getting handed money by Darren because he won their bet and then they would start blowing each other and Darren would have the world’s biggest cock and I would sit there and watch, having been menstruated on all over my head.

  Pretty much convinced meeting new people was the worst idea ever in my current state, I decided to make a run for the exit as soon as I passed through the door. I would tell Vince later that I saw a robbery in progress and attempted to thwart it, only to end up being kidnapped and held against my will in an Islamic prison, which would be the reason he wouldn’t hear from me for a few days. Plan set, I opened the door.

  Vince stood on the other side.

  “Oh sweat balls,” I muttered, looking longingly at the front of the bar.

  “Going somewhere?” he asked, slightly amused.

  “No, dear,” I said. “Just coming down to see you like I promised. I’m super excited about meeting Darren.”

  “Good,” he said cheerfully, grabbing my arm. “Glad to hear you are so ready for this.”

  “I was being sarcastic,” I snapped at him, trying to pull from his grasp as he weaved his way through the crowd. Helena did her patented backward cartwheel look-how-special-I-am move, and the crowd roared around me. Please. If only they knew how long it took her to perfect that and how much I had to help and how much of her sweat I got on me, they wouldn’t be cheering. They would be fleeing in terror.

  I tried to relay to the people we were passing that I was being forced somewhere against my will in hopes that one would step in and save me. However, apparently Good Samaritan laws do not apply in gay clubs as no one stepped forward to risk their life for me.

  I smashed into the back of Vince when he came to a sudden stop in front of me. I thought about burying my face in his back and hiding behind him but figured he didn’t want his friends to know he was dating the world’s most gaping vagina, so I steeled my balls a bit and looked up at him when he brought me to his side, dropping his arm on my shoulder. He leaned over and nuzzled my neck. “It’ll be fine,” he said for only me to hear. “You’ll see.”

  Somehow, I managed to keep my eyes from rolling. I put on my best smile, preparing to relay to the group that I was just thrilled to meet them all, when I realized it was only Darren standing in front of me. The rest of Vince’s jock posse was gone, as if they’d never been there at all. I could only think about Darren with his arm wrapped around Vince’s shoulders, like he thought he had every right to be there. I thought I had every right to make him live the rest of his life as an amputee.

  “Paul,” Vince said above the music. “This is Darren. Darren, this is my boyfriend, Paul.”

  I held out my hand and Darren looked at it for a moment as if deciding whether I had scabies and running chances in his head of getting it himself if he touched me. It was about to get awkward when he reached out and shook my hand. “Nice to meet you,” I mumbled.

  “What?” he said, raising his voice.

  Hurray. This is weird already. “I said nice to meet you!” And of course, as I shouted this as loud as I could to be heard, there was a pause in the music and my voice echoed over the silent club like I was some screeching capuchin monkey who had just discovered masturbation. Everyone in the club (and most likely on Earth) turned to look at me.

  “That was my distant acquaintance Paul, everyone!” Helena said into the mic. The music picked up again and she rolled back into her routine.

  Vince chuckled quietly in my ear. “Still haven’t found that time machine yet,” he said. “I’ll keep a list for you of all the things you’ll want to undo.”

  I glared at him.

  “Nice to meet you too,” Darren said, smirking at me like I was the funniest piece of shit he’d ever seen. “I wish I could say I’d heard a lot about you, but that would be a lie.”

  Oh, there goes the chance for the three-way. Maybe they’re a monogamous couple and Vince just sprung this on him out of the blue. “Oh!” I said back loudly. “That’s… I don’t know what that is.”

  “No, it’s fine,” he said, as if trying to reassure me there was a chance it could have been not fine. “I’m just surprised that Vince jumped into this so… quickly.”

  “That’s what I told him.”

  “It’s a good thing I don’t listen to either one of you,” Vince said happily. “God knows where I’d be then.”

  I rolled my eyes right as Darren did, and I felt a strange kinship with him, at least for a second, that we could both be exasperated by Vince. Darren caught my eye for a moment and a small smile formed on his face. It was either genuine or calculating, and since I didn’t know him, I couldn’t tell which. The next words out of his mouth didn’t bode well for the latter. “Hey, Vince. Why don’t you go buy us a round of drinks. I’ll keep Paul company here.”

  Don’t leave. Don’t leave. Don’t leave.

  “Sure! Paul, what do you want?”

  To not be left here with t
he Homo Jock King. “SKYY vodka cranberry is fine. With a lime.”

  “And I’ll have a beer,” Darren said, obviously way manlier than me. “No lime.”

  Asshole.

  “Be right back.” Vince leaned in and kissed me briefly, then took off through the crowd.

  Darren and I sized each other up for a moment, and I realized only then just how big he was. Vince and I were almost the same height, but Darren had to have at least three inches on me. He was also very wide, built like a tree trunk. A very intimidating tree trunk with pale-blue eyes that were more shrewd than I cared for. He was all hard lines and planes, and I felt soft and squishy inside and out standing next to him.

  He looked away for a moment to watch Helena perform a complicated series of kicks and twists, as if he knew her routine and when that part was coming up. Helena had worked months on getting it just right, and it was a sight to behold. His eyes softened a little bit as he watched, and I had this strange moment where I wondered if he liked what he was watching before the look disappeared and he turned back to me.

  “So,” he said.

  “So,” I replied.

  “You and Vince, huh?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  He moved closer to me so we could hear each other above the music. I wanted to take a step back to keep space between us, but he wouldn’t allow it, crowding me near the wall. “I’ve never known Vince to have a boyfriend,” he said.

  “Oh? That’s… cool.” With the reception I’m getting from you, I wonder why.

  “And then he disappears for a few days and comes back with bruises and the biggest grin on his face.”

  “I’m not abusive,” I said stupidly.

  He laughed, but he didn’t sound like he thought it was funny. “Didn’t say you were. Though I’d appreciate it if you didn’t hit him with your car again.”

  “I didn’t—” It was no use. Forever I would be defined as that guy. “Fine. I won’t ever hit him with my car again. Next time I want to get his attention, I’ll ask him for it.”

  “Vince isn’t smart,” he said suddenly. “Not like I am and not like I’m assuming you are.”

  This caused unbidden fury to roil through me. “He’s perfectly smart,” I growled at him. “You better not be calling him an idiot.”

  Darren seemed amused as he held up his hands to placate me. “I’m not,” he said. “I’m just saying… he doesn’t think like most people. He needs to have people watch out for him, otherwise he ends up getting hurt. He hasn’t had that a lot in his life.”

  “And you’re saying you think I’m going to hurt him? No offense, but you don’t know me and I’d really like to tell you to go fuck yourself.” And, um. I’d really like to take that back but I’m trying to be intimidating here. So, sorry. Didn’t really mean it.

  “You’ve got some balls, don’t you?” I couldn’t tell if that impressed him or pissed him off.

  “Last time I checked.”

  “What do you want from him?”

  This baffled me. “What? What are you talking about? I don’t want anything from him. He’s the one that came after me.”

  “If you don’t want anything, then why are you here?”

  This pissed me off even more. I was tired of getting questioned. I was tired of doubting myself. But you know what? Out of all of it, I was tired of having it sound like I wasn’t good enough, like I didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as the homo jock royalty, that I didn’t deserve to have Vince come after me like he did. I’d had enough.

  “Look,” I said with a scowl. “You don’t know me. I sure as shit don’t know you. But I do know I don’t have to explain a goddamn thing to you. So you can stand there and look all badass and like a big, fat fucking jerk, but you’re not going to chase me away. I’m sorry if you want to fuck him, but you can’t because he’s mine. He picked me, and sure as shit, I’m not going to back down just because you’re having this little bitch fit of yours. Go bench press a llama, you fucking ’roid queen, and stop being an asshole.” I quickly reviewed my words and thought it went quite well (except for the llama thing. And the part where I insulted him. And the part where I sounded slightly douchey).

  His eyes went comically wide. “Do you talk to Vince like that?” he asked.

  “He was annoying for a little bit,” I admitted. “I thought he was trying to play a joke on me by asking me out so much.”

  Darren shook his head. “Vince doesn’t do shit like that, Paul.”

  “Well, I know that now.” And I did. For the most part.

  “Look, I don’t think you understand. Vince doesn’t pursue anyone. Usually, it’s all these shitty fucking guys trying to get up on his nuts for a good fuck, then dropping him as soon as they’re done using him. He tries not to get his hopes up anytime someone new comes along, but he keeps getting shat on, and I fucking hate it. They like how he looks, they like how his body moves, but they don’t like it when he talks because of the dumb shit he says.”

  “I like it when he talks,” I said. Which was weird, because I didn’t know when that started happening.

  “Good, because you’re the first thing he’s been excited about for a long time,” Darren says. “And I have no problem telling you that if you fuck this up, I will break you in half.”

  “Really?” I asked as I caught him glancing over at Helena again. “You do that and I won’t introduce you to a certain drag queen you seem to be eyeing.”

  He stiffened. “Go fuck yourself,” he rumbled at me, not meeting my eyes.

  Oh, Sandy’s going to shit himself silly. “I don’t want to hurt him,” I said seriously. “I promise you that. But….”

  “But what?”

  I shook my head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Of course it matters. You wouldn’t have said it if it didn’t. Don’t be a dick, Paul. What is it?”

  I hesitated. “You’ve known Vince a long time?”

  He eyed me warily. “You could say that.”

  I wanted to know what he meant, but didn’t ask. “You know his… parents?”

  “Uh. You could say that.”

  “I know who they are.”

  He hung his head. “He said he hadn’t told you. That you hadn’t figured it out.”

  “He didn’t. But I know.”

  “You can’t be mad at him for that.”

  “I’m not. I… will he tell me? When it happens? You know, with his mom?”

  Darren watched me for a moment before answering, as if trying to gauge my sincerity and trying to choose his words before speaking. “He trusts you,” he finally said. “I don’t know how it happened or why it happened so fast, but he does. I think he will. He’s not going to let you think it’ll hurt him, but it will. Maybe not destroy him, because there’s too much bad shit between them. But it’s still going to hurt. He’s going to need you, I think. He’ll need me too, but I think you’re going to be the one he leans on. If you let him.”

  “Okay.” I hoped he was right.

  “Hey, Paul? You’re okay, you know that?” He was looking at me with something that bordered on respect. Homo jocks were so confusing. They were supposed to be pounding beers and twinks, not talking to me.

  But he was right, so I nodded. “I am pretty awesome.”

  He laughed, glancing over at the bar to check on Vince. His eyes hardened quickly and the smile slid from his face. I followed his line of sight and saw Vince up against the bar, drinks in front of him, another guy bent over near him to speak in his ear. I bristled immediately when I saw it was hottie Bear Dude from last weekend, the one that had been grinding up against Vince on the dance floor. Bear Dude was trying to get pretty chummy with Vince again, crowding up against him, his hand on Vince’s bicep, squeezing it tightly so that I could see the dimples in Vince’s skin. It was a possessive grip, and the man’s stance screamed mine. I tensed, not able to stop the flood of doubt washing over me.

  “Wait,” Darren breathed next to me. “Just wa
tch.”

  I didn’t want to watch. I wanted to push my way through the bar and piss in a circle around Vince so that everyone else stayed the fuck away from him. My skin crawled a bit when Vince laughed at something Bear Dude said, and Bear Dude leaned back, smirking at him as if in victory. Bear Dude nodded his head toward the door, wanting Vince to leave with him. Vince shook his head and pointed back to where we stood and said something in return. This appeared to piss Bear Dude off because he frowned at Vince and tugged on his arm. Vince took a step back and shook his head again. Bear Dude turned and left.

  Vince must have felt us watching him because he glanced over our way and saw us staring at him. His gaze immediately went to me, and he jerked his head in the direction Bear Dude had disappeared and rolled his eyes. Then he brought his hand up to the side of his head and made a pistol shape and committed fake suicide, blowing his imaginary brains out and collapsing on the top of the bar. Then he rose up and winked at me. He picked up our drinks and started moving out back to us. Through his little performance, not once had he looked guilty, like he’d been caught doing something wrong.

  “He’s different,” Darren said near my ear. “He’s not like you or me, or anyone else for that matter.”

  “His mime skills are obviously going to waste in the insurance industry,” I said, unable to think clearly.

  Darren cuffed the back of my head as if he’d been doing it for years. “Don’t be a jerk,” he scolded me. “You know as well as I do that the thought of doing anything with that guy never even crossed his mind. He doesn’t think like that. Remember that, Paul. Remember that and he’ll give you everything.”

  “Why haven’t you gone after him then, if he’s so great?” I asked, honestly curious.

  Darren’s eyes went instantly dark. “That doesn’t matter,” he muttered and looked away.

  But it did. In the end, it did.

  Chapter 14

  I Am So Fucking Screwed (Figuratively And Literally)