The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter

by Matt Paxton;Phaedra Hise

  Sometimes I even joke about it. When a rattlesnake lashes out and starts yelling at me, I will say, “Hey, there’s no time for flirting. Let’s get back to work.” The hoarder is expecting me to get pissed, so a joke totally shakes up the dynamic.

  ▶ Pushing for Control

  Aimee, the former model, was a control freak during the cleanup phase. She had to touch or look at every single item, even five-year-old old junk mail and plastic shopping bags, which can be frustrating for a cleanup crew. But when Aimee came to understand that she was the one who would decide what to throw away and what to save, she realized that she did, indeed, have power over her situation.

  Aimee had been called a slob and a loser for years. To be able to keep her house, she had to believe that she could be a clutter-free winner. And the only way she could learn that about herself was to take control and make the right choices on her own.

  When a hoarder starts pushing for control, that’s something a helper should celebrate. It may slow down the cleanup process, but it can empower a hoarder to take control of other parts of his or her life.

  It is also possible for a cleanup organizer to control the hoarder’s control. One way to position this is to give the hoarder a choice between two options, “You are in control. Do you want us to throw away item A or item B?” The hoarder controls which item goes, but the crew has controlled the process and the options. A hoarder should focus on letting go, so whenever possible, it’s important to phrase options as “donate” or “trash” rather than “keep.”

  During the cleanup, Aimee got a lot of praise about her ability to make good choices. At first she didn’t respond to positive reinforcement, but by the end of the cleanup she was clearly making choices to hear the praise from the cleaning crew and her daughter.

  ▶ Expressing Anxiety

  Jackson, the Blondie hoarder, had a lot of anxiety. Over the phone he assured me that his house was worse than I could even imagine. I insisted that I had seen truly awful houses, and besides I didn’t really care about the state of the house, I cared about him as a person. Jackson also got very anxious during and even after the cleanup.

  When cleaning starts, hoarders tend to pick up and clutch items in their hands without putting them down. Pretty soon their arms and pockets start to fill up like they are a squirrel storing for the winter. They talk very fast and won’t look people in the eye. These are sure signs that anxiety is taking over. Someone having an anxiety attack simply can’t function.

  Dealing with anxiety is not necessarily the job of the cleanup crew, which is why it’s essential to have a trusted and empathetic advocate on call—a therapist, social worker, or clergyman—who is not involved in the physical cleanup. Depending on the severity of the hoarder’s anxiety, the cleanup may be halted briefly, or for a longer time if other professional and emotional support is needed.

  Trying to power through the cleaning process with a hoarder having an anxiety attack will only make it worse. Ignoring these emotions and not listening to the hoarder could cause major issues down the road for the cleaning and the relationship.

  ▶ Retreating into Denial

  Most hoarders are in denial at some level. Even hoarders who finally seem ready to clean up may head right into denial once the process begins. That’s where Thalia went. Even before she locked herself in her car and tried to swallow the pills, Thalia was rationalizing everything. She talked about how all of her things had importance, her mess wasn’t that bad, and she wasn’t even a hoarder.

  Unlike the other potential responses, denial is a dealbreaker . I’ll clean up a house full of anxiety any day of the week, but a house full of denial will stay full. When I hear denial from a hoarder, I stop everything and we talk. Often the hoarder will admit to being scared and that the process is hard. I will assure the hoarder that I respect that honesty and the fact that he or she is willing to take on such a difficult challenge. On some jobs that same conversation has been repeated every day.

  I had planned to give Thalia two days to come around and hopefully face her issues. I frequently reminded her that when my crew first came on she had already acknowledged that her hoarding was a problem. I asked her how that had changed. I was waiting for the moment when she would admit that she needed to stop hoarding. Most of the hoarders I work with eventually get there, but Thalia never did.

  When a hoarder like Thalia keeps insisting that everything is fine, then the cleanup is probably premature. When I hear denial, I don’t get angry, because I’ve come to understand that it’s an integral part of a hoarder’s mental process. But I also don’t waste my time trying to clean up a house that I know will be full again in six months.

  ▶ Dealing with Grief

  Not every hoarder is grieving from a recent loss, but some have had deaths or divorces that they are still processing. Others grieve the loss of their stuff. This is normal, and helpers have a great opportunity to support a hoarder who needs to work through grief and let it go.

  When I started cleaning houses for a living, my first paying customer was my grandmother. She hired me to help clean out her basement, which was full of gardening equipment, tools, and boxes of my late grandfather’s things. My grandmother was not a hoarder; we were just trying to help each other out.

  While I simply wanted to get the job done, about halfway through, I realized that she was struggling emotionally. She wasn’t ready yet to let my grandfather’s things go. Instead, she wanted to spend time enjoying the happy memories those things brought up.

  I had been volunteering for about two years at Comfort Zone Camp, a camp for bereaved children in Richmond, Virginia. As part of our counselor training, they taught us some techniques for encouraging kids to talk about their grief. When I saw that my grandmother was deep in that same grieving place, I decided to use some of the techniques I had learned with the kids.

  So, instead of asking why she was holding on to some old golf bag, I asked her what it brought to mind. She started telling me stories about my grandfather, and then finally she said, “I guess we don’t need that anymore. We can let it go.” I could see her physically release her grief. And when she let that go, she could also release his possessions.

  I’ve learned that for hoarders, every cleanup is a grieving process. We are asking them to say good-bye to items that are heavy with memories—some wonderful, some painful. But all are important and deserve respect. A hoarder finds safety in the hoard, in the stacks and piles, and he or she will grieve over the loss of those items when they are gone. The week after the house cleaning is usually the worst. Instead of being happy and enjoying the new space, hoarders go through a difficult process. They miss their possessions, which were their closest friends for years.

  WHERE HOARDER STUFF GOES

  A hoarder’s things may look like trash to someone helping with a cleanup, but the hoarder usually has plans for those items. During a cleanup, the crew’s job is to implement those plans. That may mean making phone calls to find donation sites, talking to auction houses about selling items, or listing things on eBay. Disposing of a hoarder’s things can take as much time as the cleanup itself.

  During the course of our cleanups we regularly have to handle anything from dead animals to diapers filled with human waste, junk cars to old containers of pesticides, insulin needles to bloodstained clothing. None of this can be simply bagged and tossed at the dump, as it requires special handling. Not only is it the law, but a lot of this stuff is toxic and can cause serious injury if it’s not disposed of correctly. And that’s to say nothing of live animals, pests, and vermin, which also require special attention.

  ▶ Dumping

  The Environmental Protection Agency’s website lists hazardous waste that must be disposed of by approved methods and facilities. (See the resources section at the back of this book for contact information.) During a cleanup, it is best to put suspected toxic items to the side, make a list, and then contact the EPA or other agency to determine how best to handle each
type of material.

  For example, used needles have to be taken to a medical waste facility, where they are incinerated. A biohazard like human feces must go there too, as does anything with blood on it. As human waste sits, it develops deadly microbes, bacteria, and viruses. Flies spread those around, so a house where human waste is only in one room may still have e-coli present in other parts of the house. The hoarder may have been living in the house for years, but that doesn’t make it safe. Chemicals, paints, paint thinners, and batteries also require special handling. A local dump should either have special days for hazardous waste drop-off or know of a nearby site that takes it.

  With any of these materials, cleanup crews should be fully protected by masks, Tyvek suits, and heavy gloves. The fumes alone can sometimes be deadly or can burn human skin. Wearing protective gear may feel awkward when the hoarder is walking around the house in normal clothes, but nobody knows what hidden ailments the hoarder has developed. And it’s impossible to predict someone’s reaction to a chemical—one person might be fine, another might have a life-threatening reaction. It’s not worth the risk.

  Dead pets must be either cremated by a certified facility or buried (some localities no longer allow burials so check local regulations). Dead pests, like mice, must be handled by pest control experts, who know how to protect against the diseases their bodies and feces carry. Mice and rats can eat all kinds of toxins and survive to litter those chemicals around the house in their waste, which makes them extra dangerous. A rule of thumb that we use is that for every live mouse seen in the house, there are ten more in the walls.

  Old cars can be dangerous because of the oils, antifreeze, and gasoline that might still be inside. The safest disposal method is to call a wrecker or tow truck to haul away the vehicle, and the driver will usually pay something for it because the car can be sold for scrap metal value. When in doubt about whether or not something is hazardous, or how to dispose of it, call the EPA and ask.

  ▶ Donating

  Hoarders often have an easier time parting with items when they know they will go to good use. Brad and Ellen donated their boxed and canned food to a local food bank. Household items can go to whatever donation sites the hoarder cares about and wants to support. Charities and churches may decline certain items, so be prepared with alternatives.

  For useful household items, we usually recommend a local battered women’s shelter because they help people who are truly in immediate need. Families often arrive there empty-handed and can use bedding, clothing, toiletries, and small appliances. Larger donation sites, like Goodwill, often sell the bulk of their items to third world countries.

  An organization such as the Salvation Army will often pick up donations quickly. People feel good about helping other people, and hoarders are no different. They are often motivated to give something away if they have an emotional connection with the charity, and it’s reassuring to know that their things will be well used.

  Some hoarders hang on to family mementos, intending to pass them to future generations. Here, the hoarder needs to prove that the family member actually wants the item. Does the hoarder’s niece really want her aunt’s costume jewelry? This is another opportunity for a hoarder reality check. If the family member doesn’t care, then there is no reason to save the item.

  I see a lot of hoarders saving soda bottle tops because they’ve read somewhere that a child in the hospital needs them to raise money for some type of surgery or organ transplant. I don’t know if the story is an urban legend or not, but I do know that many hoarders have been saving these bottle tops for years, by which point, little Timmy is either a dad with his own kids or has passed on. Either way, Timmy doesn’t need those bottle tops anymore.

  ▶ Selling

  Nika was a clothes hoarder extraordinaire, and a lot of her items had never been worn. She had ordered most of the clothes from a television shopping channel, and a lot of things were still in the original packaging. Nika was convinced that she was going to make a fortune selling her clothing. In Nika’s mind, the clothing was worth what she paid for it. She expected to earn all that back.

  Unfortunately, that’s rare. Most hoarders are convinced their collections are valuable, but usually what they have just isn’t collectible. Even if there is a market for the items, the price isn’t anywhere near what the hoarder paid, and often the value is so low that it’s not even worth the trouble to sell the stuff.

  Nika thought she could sell her clothing in a consignment store. But the first store she visited rejected more than half of what she brought in (too out-of-style, or the label wasn’t impressive enough), and for the rest they offered Nika pennies on the dollar. She eventually took what was offered and donated the rest of the clothes.

  Some collectibles and antiques have real value, but there’s almost always a huge difference between what the hoarder paid (or thinks something is worth) and what someone else is willing to pay. The reality is that any item is only worth what someone will pay for it.

  If the items are useful, consider a yard sale or an auction house. These options work particularly well for shopping hoarders, who often have a big collection of new items still in the boxes. An auction house will only get a small percentage of the new price of the item, but it’s better than nothing.

  I often hear hoarders tell me that they are going to sell an item on eBay. I ask if they have ever sold an item online, and most of them acknowledge that they do not even have a working computer. The truth is that they know they have blown a lot of money on their collection and they are hoping to get some back. If money is not an issue, encourage donation. If money is an issue, go with the auction houses. Selling items one by one at a place like eBay is not realistic and can lead to more hoarding and buying online.

  Unfortunately, selling items doesn’t mean they’re gone. Thalia, a television shopping network addict, sent most of her collectibles to an auction house. The day of the auction, Thalia was in the front row, tearfully bidding to buy back all of her items. Thalia proves that a successful cleanup doesn’t end with a clean house. A hoarder has to stay clean, which means working day after day on new life skills, and replacing the hoarding behavior with something fulfilling.

  7

  STAYING CLEAN

  Li’s large, hundred-year-old farmhouse and barn in rural Connecticut were filled with top-quality clothing and appliances. There was no trash.

  With her children grown and living away when her husband died, Li slipped completely out of control as she took to shopping to ease her loneliness. When her daughter, Sunny, called me, she said that the house had been cluttered when they were growing up, but now it was so bad that Li was pretty well confined to living in the kitchen and its adjoining bathroom.

  Li was unusual in that she didn’t look like a stereotypical hoarder. Now in her early eighties, she appeared to be thirty years younger. She was always well turned out in designer clothes, nicely made up, and well groomed. That she still cared about her looks seemed to be a sign that she might care enough to want a tidy house.

  Li’s children had tried to get her to clean up for years, but she fought it and just kept shopping. Finally, Sunny put together a carefully researched “business plan” outlining the advantages of de-cluttering the house, and begged her mother to try a single day of cleaning. If she didn’t like that, Sunny assured her she would send the crew away.

  Li was an old-school parent, very authoritarian and always wanting to be in charge, so nobody knew what to expect when our crew of ten came into the house to handle her possessions.

  Fortunately, Li was ready to get it done. Because her family had let her make the decision and presented her with a plan that made sense to her, Li stayed engaged in the process, realizing the benefits to having a clean house. After meeting the crew briefly, she trusted her children enough to go and stay at one of their houses while the work was being done.

  On that first day, at the bottom of a six-foot pile of kitchen appliances and boxes of food,
the crew found $40,000 worth of savings bonds. Sunny called to tell Li the exciting news, and although she was still anxious, that convinced her to continue with the cleanup. Li had thought the bonds were expired, and we were happy to explain the difference between expiration and maturity.

  We spent five days cleaning and ended up loading two eighteen-wheeler trucks full of items to donate to the nearby shelter.

  After the cleanup, the house looked pretty good. The downstairs carpet needed to be replaced and the walls needed painting. But the hundred-year-old structure was sturdy enough that it had withstood a decade of hoarding without any serious damage.

  Li was delighted with her new, empty house. She had actually forgotten how huge the house was. Until the cleanup, her hoarding had become the only topic of discussion between Li and her daughters, and none of them wanted that to continue. After the cleanup, the time Li spent with her family was so much happier—and motivated her to stay clean.

  Therapy is a critical part of staying clean for advanced hoarders, and fortunately Li was open to working with a therapist, who helped her understand the issues driving her hoarding urge and how to deal with those in a more positive way. Li started spending time with her daughters and grandchildren instead of buying them things.

  THE ELEMENTS OF SUCCESS

  Cleaning is easy; nearly anyone can empty a hoarded house. The real challenge is helping a hoarder make the lifestyle changes needed to stay clean. The longer a hoarder has been collecting, the harder those changes are, and the more support and help the hoarder needs. An early-stage hoarder can probably get by with a few checklists and a daily tidying up. A hard-core hoarder needs family, friends, therapy, maybe an organizer, and pretty much a whole new way of living his or her life. Like any addiction, hoarding is something the hoarder will face and fight every single day, and the more support that person has, the more likely it is that he or she will be successful. From my experience with hundreds of hoarders, I’ve discovered that there are some elements that can determine a hoarder’s best chance for success.