by LeAnn Ashers
“What is one thing you want in this life?” Smiley asks.
I open my eyes and stare at the ground, thinking. One thing I want more than anything is happiness—that is what I want. I don’t want to feel alone anymore or struggle with anxiety and stress. I want to be able to go to sleep without feeling like the world is resting on my shoulders. “I want to be happy,” I tell him, my voice barely above a whisper.
His hand stops moving through my hair, like he is thinking about my answer. “Are you not happy, Adeline?” His voice is soft, deep, and soothing.
What do I say? Part of me wants to spill my guts to him, and the other is afraid to let anything loose for fear of being judged. Old habits die hard.
“I am happy, but I also am not.”
“How are you not happy?” His fingers glide softly through my hair.
I close my eyes for a second to calm my nerves. “I have not had an easy life. I just got out of a situation a little over a year ago.”
His silence is deafening. Did I just lose him for good?
“Baby, you don’t have to tell me details if you don't want to. I want this to be something that you tell me when you’re ready.” That shocks me. I realize what a good person he truly is. He is giving me space to learn to trust him.
I tilt my head back to look at him. “Thank you.”
He smiles, his hand going to my cheek. “Anything for you.” His lips touch mine, his words echoing in my mind.
He could really steal my heart.
Adeline
It’s around three o’clock in the morning, and I am exhausted. We have sat under the stars for hours, just talking and enjoying each other’s company.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks: how am I going to sleep next to him with my nightmares? What if he sees?
I follow him into the tent, my hands shaking at the thought of him seeing that part of me. I have to sleep in a bathtub; why did I agree to this?
He unzips a sleeping bag. “Here, sweet girl.”
I smile, settling into the sleeping bag.
He unzips his, setting it down beside mine. I stare at the top of the tent, worried. “Baby, I don’t expect anything from you. All I want to fucking do is hold you.”
I close my eyes tightly. I have been overreacting. He is probably a heavy sleeper and won’t see a thing.
“I know,” I whisper. Opening my eyes, I see him staring at me. He opens his arms, and I scoot over until my head is lying on his chest.
His scent comforts me, making me feel ten times better. His chest is warm and solid. The hand resting on my back moves in slow, soothing motions. I close my eyes, resting my hand on his stomach. I know he can sense my stress and worry. I just want to go with the flow and not worry so much, but I always get stuck in my head.
“Smiley?”
“Yeah?”
“I had a lot of fun today.” I really did. This has been one of the best days of my life.
“Me too, sweet girl.”
I smile and close my eyes once more, allowing my body to settle in for a long night of not sleeping.
But, to my utter shock, I do sleep.
Smiley
I wake up to the sound of Adeline crying out. Her face is scrunched up like she is in pain. I touch her face and press my lips against her forehead, gently trying to wake her up. I don’t want to startle her awake.
I should have seen it before; I think Adeline has PTSD. Something bad has happened to her, and it’s fucking burning me up not knowing—but pushing her away is the last thing I want to do.
She slowly opens her eyes—fear is buried so fucking deep. It hurts me that this woman has felt an ounce of fear in her life. She doesn’t deserve that.
“Go back to sleep. I have you, baby,” I whisper. As she closes her eyes, a tear falls and I catch it, wiping away her tears. Lying down I wrap my arms around her. I can feel her body shaking under her sleeping bag.
Right before we came to bed, I asked her if she was ready and she froze. Her face got pale, and she looked like she was ready to be sick.
I know why.
I push her hair out of her face and stroke her back until her body relaxes, slowly falling back to sleep with me right behind her.
Adeline
I wake up the next morning with the huge realization that this is the first time in a long time I have woken up feeling refreshed. I remember having a nightmare and Smiley gently waking me up, wiping away my tears, and holding me. He held me. Those three words resonate through my mind. He didn’t run off; he helped me go back to sleep and I wasn’t afraid.
I wasn’t afraid.
Smiley opens his eyes, giving me that beautiful smile. “Good morning, beautiful.”
My stomach flips at his words. He sure knows how to make a woman feel good. I smile sheepishly. I probably look rough as hell after fishing, riding, and sleeping all night in a tent.
He sits up. “Want to head to the house for a shower and breakfast? How about pancakes?”
My stomach growls at the idea of breakfast. Pancakes sounds absolutely amazing right now.
He unzips the sleeping bag. Taking his cue I unzip the tent and step out, crossing my arms in the chilly morning air. Smiley immediately starts taking everything down, and I gather up our things around the fire pit.
Around an hour or so later, we manage to get everything packed into the side-by-side. I shut the small door and settle down on the seat. Smiley is already in his seat. He pulls a blanket from the back and wraps it around me.
Just so sweet. I lay my head back against my seat, feeling content. “Thank you, Smiley.”
He places his hand against my cheek and kisses me on the lips. My skin is immediately on edge, and excitement rushes through me. He pulls back, licking his lips, and I lean forward and kiss him again. His hand drifts to the back of my head, and he runs his fingers through my hair.
A minute or so later, I pull back and he kisses my forehead. Jeez, this man. He takes my hand, which is still under the blanket.
As we start toward the house, the cold wind hits me in the face. I lay my head against his shoulder and cover my face, and the heat of his arm immediately warms me up. Closing my eyes, I soak in his warmth and smell.
When we get back to his house, he puts his hand on the small of my back, walking me to the front door. I pull off my shoes and follow him into the living room.
“Want me to get you some clothes to change into? We’ll both take a shower, and I’ll make you some breakfast, baby.”
Goodness, I will never get over how sweet he is. “That would be amazing.”
His smile lights up his face. He is very rugged, but his smile makes him so handsome. It’s wild that he is interested in me. “Follow me.”
I follow him upstairs to a bedroom at the end of the hall. I immediately notice the smell and know this is his room. He walks into his closet and hands me a shirt and sweatpants. “Here you go, sweet girl.” I take the clothes, thanking him, and he walks out of the room.
A huge bathroom is connected to the bedroom. It is the size of my bedroom, if not bigger. There is a huge bathtub that I am dying to soak in, and the shower could hold ten people.
When I turn on the shower, I am hit with hot water. I close my eyes, rinsing away the day of fishing, riding, and sleeping inside the tent. I stay in the shower way longer than I usually would but, after a cold night, the warmth is amazing. After turning off the shower, I step out and hurry into his clothes. The smell of him once again hits me like a ton of bricks.
I clean up the bathroom, folding up my dirty clothes and setting them on the counter. I find my way back downstairs. Smiley’s hair is slightly wet, and he is at the stove flipping pancakes.
“Smells good,” I tell him.
He turns around, his nose flaring. “You look fucking amazing.”
I have to admit I love being in his clothes. “Do you need me to do anything for you?”
“Go
relax on the couch, and I will bring the food to you, honey.” I can’t believe someone like him is real. I’ve never had someone tell me to sit down and relax while they did something for me. I hesitantly walk into the living room and sit on the couch.
My cell phone is lying on the coffee table beside the remote. I have a text. Ryan told me that their daughter is sick and they have to cancel date night, so I have the night off.
Me: Is she okay? You sure you don’t need me?
Ryan: She has a stomach bug. Myra is taking good care of her. Enjoy your night off and relax.
Me: Let me know if you guys need me.
“Everything okay?” Smiley is holding two plates and a couple of waters.
“Ryan’s daughter is sick, so I have the night off tonight.”
He smiles widely. “Does that mean I get to spend the rest of the day with you?” He winks and sets the plate in front of me.
I look down at the meal of pancakes, eggs, and bacon. “Thank you so much and, yes, I can spend the day with you.”
Smiley
And that is exactly what she did. It’s around nine o’clock at night, and she is lying against my side, laughing at something on TV. We have spent the whole day on the couch, watching TV and eating. Little by little she has grown more comfortable with me. She is smiling more easily. Before it was like she was walking on eggshells, but not anymore. I was fucking thrilled that she got to spend the day with me.
“You just want to stay the night, sweet girl?”
She sits up, her eyes searching my face. “Yeah, I would love to.”
Fuck me, I am such a goner.
Adeline
Should I stay with him? Probably not but, nonetheless, I am going to stay with him, because I want to. I spent the whole day relaxing on the couch and enjoying myself with him, and not once did he make a move on me. But he has done everything possible to make me comfortable and happy. That means so much to me.
“You want to go upstairs and finish the movie, relax in bed?”
I nod. “Yeah, that actually sounds amazing.” He takes my hand, putting the remote on the coffee table, and leads me upstairs to his bedroom.
When we step inside, I am nervous. I mean who wouldn’t be? He pulls back the blanket and gets into bed. Okay then. I get into bed next to him. He takes the remote off the nightstand and turns on the movie we were just watching.
“Come here, my sweet girl, let me hold you.”
A pile of goo—that’s what I am right now. I scoot over, cuddling into his side. I get that warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. He kisses the top of my head, and we go back to the movie, just enjoying each other’s company.
Smiley
Looking at the clock on the wall, I see that it’s around 3:00 a.m. The TV is still on; we must have fallen asleep.
“Please,” she whispers. She is deep into another dream. Fuck. She is clutching my arm for dear life. I reach over with my free hand and touch her cheek gently so I don’t frighten her.
“Wake up, sweet girl,” I whisper softly, my thumb stroking her cheekbone.
Little by little she wakes up, her eyes looking into mine.
“I got you, baby.”
She hides her face in my neck, and I feel wetness against my skin. “Baby, don’t cry,” I whisper, my voice rough with emotion. It’s fucking heartbreaking that a woman with such an amazing heart has these demons that haunt her dreams. That seep into her everyday life. I see that shit a mile wide. I have fucking demons myself, because I had a shitty father. I shut it down years ago, but I can see the shit she is dealing with is fresh.
“I am sorry.” Her voice is barely a whisper.
I rub her back soothingly. “Never fucking apologize, baby, never to me.”
Her small hands grip my shirt, and her body is shaking with emotion. Under my hands she slowly calms down and allows sleep to take her once again, but this time she is practically on top of my body, holding on to me for dear life.
I fucking promise myself that I will find the people who hurt her and I will make them pay.
Adeline
I wake up around 10:00 a.m. I am lying on my back, with Smiley lying on top of me. I look at his face, and he looks so peaceful. I slip my hand out from underneath his arm and touch his cheekbone.
He is beautiful.
I smile, running my finger down the side of his face. Last night I had another nightmare, and he brought me out of it and comforted me through the aftermath.
A lot of men would have kicked me out last night—baggage is something that many people do not like. Smiley is surprising me.
His eyes are open, and his head is lying on my breasts. He kisses me on the lips.
“Good morning, sweet girl.” His voice is rough from sleep, making him sound ten times sexier. He shifts his body so he is lying on top of me and tucks his head into the side of my neck.
How cute is he?
I wrap my arms around him. One arm is across his broad shoulders, and the other hand is buried in his hair. I could get used to this. I could get used to waking up with Smiley and him being sweet like this.
My phone buzzes on the bedside table, and Smiley hands it to me. I unlock my phone and see that it’s a message from Kyle.
Kyle: Hey Gigi, the club is taking a family vacation, including your daughter, so you have two weeks off. You’re more than welcome to join, but you can stay home and relax, your choice.
Why do I feel like this is intentional? Smiley comes into my life and, all of a sudden, I have a lot of time off?
“Hm,” I say out loud.
Smiley props himself up on his elbow, and I show him Kyle’s text. He smiles.
Oh boy.
“Want me to take you home to get some clothes? Before I take you out again tonight?”
I laugh at how confident he is. “Yeah, how do you know that I am going out with you?”
He winks and kisses me once again. “Because you’re my Ade.” He kisses my forehead, leaving me a pile of goo as he slides out of the bed.
I lie in bed trying to comprehend everything that is Smiley, and he chuckles so softly I can barely hear him. I roll my eyes before covering my head with his blanket, trying to keep him from seeing me grinning like a goon. He wraps his large hands around my feet and pulls me down the bed. I laugh, gripping the sheets, trying to stop my momentum. He laughs right along with me. As I’m about to hit the ground, he picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. I grin at him, and his face softens. Not able to help myself, I put my hands on either side of his face and lean down, kissing him softly. With one hand braced on my ass, he runs the other hand through my hair.
Minutes, hours…I don’t know how much time has passed when he slowly pulls back. “A man can used to this.” He kisses my cheek, gently placing me on the ground.
I sure could get used to this too; I could get used to him.
We arrive outside my apartment around an hour later. I am still in his clothes. We walk to the door, hand in hand. The door opens before I turn my key in the lock. Smiley gently moves me behind him, and I peek around his arm. He flips on the light, and my pulse races at the sight of my apartment. It’s completely ruined.
I cover my mouth, my body shaking. I touch Smiley’s back and clutch his shirt. He reaches behind him and presses his hand to the small of my back, pulling me even closer to him. Protecting me.
We walk further into my apartment. All the cushions on my new couch have been slashed, and my tables have been broken into pieces. My magazines have been ripped to shreds, and the TV is busted. We check all the rooms, leaving my bedroom for last. My bed has been slashed, and my chest of drawers has been turned over. All of my panties are lying on the ground.
“Fuck,” he says, looking at the wall.
“Oh my god,” I whisper, my stomach hurting at the sight of the words written on the wall.
“You owe me.”
You owe me. Oh my god. Who coul
d this be?
I should have known my past would catch up to me sometime. Tears are falling down my face, and my whole body is hurting. They have found me.
Smiley
I look at her fucking bedroom, completely destroyed. Her clothes, even her panties, are ruined. Then the fucking words. “You owe me,” written across the wall in red paint. I open her closet and am hit with the fucking smell of piss. This fucker has pissed all over her clothes.
She is fucking falling apart right in front of me. “Baby,” I say. The ghosts in her eyes fade slightly as she looks at me. “You will be okay, you come with me,” I say. Tears are falling down her beautiful face. The face of someone who has been haunted by her fucking past and just realized the past has caught up with her.
I pick her up, and she buries her face in the crook of my neck. She needs to be away from this fucking shit. I carry her out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind me.
I walk to my truck and set her inside. I gently touch the bottom of her chin, and her wet eyes meet mine.
Fucking killing me.
Adeline
He looks me straight in the eye. “Baby, please stop crying. I have you. You are coming home with me, and I will protect you from whatever this shit is. You’re my woman, and I don’t say that shit lightly.”
I look at him, letting his words sink in. “Okay,” I whisper, letting my head fall against his chest. He kisses the top of my head, wrapping his arms around me. Just holding me.
I hate that this can’t be a normal relationship, without all of my baggage. I hate that I am always crying and withdrawn into myself. I am a mess. I don’t know why he didn’t leave me sitting there in my ruined apartment.
But he didn’t. He is still here, promising to protect me and that I am his. Hope blossoms in my chest.
Maybe this will be okay?
Adeline
Smiley sets out another pair of sweatpants and T-shirt on the bed, and I step into the shower, turning on the water, allowing the heat to wash over me.
What do I tell him? He is going to want to know who trashed my apartment but, honestly, I am not even sure. It could be Alisha’s dad’s boss. He ran a drug ring, and my ex was one of the dealers, which is why he had an endless supply to pump into my veins.